stereotypical breakup thread v.long and emo

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Falconer, Jun 21, 2009.

  1. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    I'm sure only a few people will actually read all of this, and I know who that will be and you are the people that I actually want to read all of it :big grin:

    Besides, it's me; what did you expect, a short post? :fawk:

    i never thought i'd be in this situation but here I am. With all my other relationships, in the back of my mind I always thought "this will eventually end because of xyz," and while sometimes I was very depressed when we broke up, I always knew it was the right decision, even if I wasn't the one to end it and even if I didn't want to end it.

    But of course this one is different.

    I know people always say no really, this one is different I swear!

    But fuck you, this one was different.

    So now I'm gonna emo vent a little.

    It sucks because I keep thinking about how much she cared about me and how that made me feel and how much I loved her back. To tell her "I might have a chronic disease" and her reaction is "baby, I don't care" and then she starts sending me recipies of meals she can make me that won't upset my stomach was an incredible feeling. To hear "baby, I think you're fucking hot; you worry too much" always made me feel good. And to know that I felt the same was awesome.

    Everything in my apartment reminds me of her. Half the stuff I have I either got with her or she got for me. My steak knives. The spatula she just bought me cuz "I needed another one." The blanket on my couch. The painting. Massage oils. Half the shows on my DVR are things we recorded to watch together. That makes it hard.

    She used to print out her work shedule and put it up on my fridge and circle the days she was gonna come over. She'd leave work an hour early on Friday to take the early train and spend more time with me.

    The food she left in my fridge and cabinets.

    Her mannerisms were so cute. From how she loved to eat cereal in the morning to how she'd come up behind me while I was cooking in the kitchen and put her arms around me and kiss my neck and say she loved me.

    I really believed that she and I were in that tiny little category of people who continue to fall in love over and over throughout their relationship (remember that thread, I think it was posted by JJJ).

    She loves animals. She has a pet bunny who is super cute and sweet. She has great taste in music. She has great taste in movies and comedy. She likes to watch chick flicks and cry and was always embarrassed by it.

    She is brilliant. She loves to read. She watches smart shows on Discovery channel. She likes fantasy and is writing her own high fantasy book. She's introverted and shy.

    She would talk about our future and the things we wanted to do together.

    And I absolutely loved every single one of those things about her.

    Most people have some interests or habits that, deep down inside, you're just like "really? That's dumb" and you just put up with while you're dating them. But not with her. Everything I learned about her made me like her even more than before.

    Everything she did was so genuinely compassionate. She didn't do stuff cuz she had to, she did stuff because she wanted to.

    The most mundane things, like walking down the street to get Chinese food, or going grocery shopping, when we did them together, were more fun than being a little kid on Christmas morning.

    It was like there was constantly an invisible bubble of love and happiness that surrounded us.

    And when we were apart, we'd be in frequent contact via txt which I know some people here think is odd, but it was like an extension of the invisible bubble of love. I liked knowing how her day was going and she liked knowing how my day was going. It's hard to explain... it wasn't needy... it wasn't codependent... it was just a beautiful expression of love.

    And the sex was fantastic. She could have orgasms from penetration alone (awesome, and great for my ego), clit stimulation, and oral, and sometimes multiples. She was giving and always made sure i was satisfied. And of course I did the same for her. It no doubt contributed to the bubble of love.

    And needless to say, she was gorgeous.

    And I miss all of that.


    I fully admit now that I am looking at this from a scarcity mentality:

    - how often do i find someone who I match with so wonderfully?
    - how often do i find someone who isn't judgmental?
    - how often is this person attractive, single, and mentally stable?

    And I know this is probably bad, but I look at it like this:

    - when she met me, I was awesome and hot. She fell in love with me. Then I got sick and she was already in love with me.

    Now, I feel like I have an extra issue or two that is going to make me unattractive. "Hey ladies, i'm Falconer - I'm awesome but I'm super skinny (granted some chicks like that) and I can't eat normally and I might have a chronic disease! Aren't I attractive?!" It's probably one of those things where it's only as big of a deal as I make it out to be, but still.

    Scarcity mentality. The creator of neediness.




    But it's funny. Maybe it just hasn't kicked in yet, but while I'm completely heartbroken and sad, I'm in a much better place mentally right now than I was after one of my previous breakups.

    I think it's related to the fact that I took action and told her how I feel at the end. Even tho now we're actually broken up, I'm experiencing less anxiety than I was during the last 2 weeks when I didn't know what was going on. Like I said, it could just have not hit me yet. But I have no regrets. I mean, I regret being insecure and overreacting which I think pushed her away, but after that, I don't regret anything I said or did in the last week. I tried my hardest and if she and I were meant to be together, then she would have said to me "baby, I love you and I want to work through things with you."

    I saw part of Fight Club last night where Tyler Durden was in the car with the guys and he drove into the oncoming lane and asked "if you died tonight, what would you regret not doing?" or something like that.

    I would regret it if I didn't tell her how I felt at the end.

    I would regret it if I didn't put my heart out on the line one last time.

    I would always wonder "what if..."

    But I don't, and that is a comforting feeling.

    Or maybe it's that my brain actually started to process the breakup 2 weeks ago when she got distant and so everything isn't technically super fresh like it would have been if she randomly dumped me one day when everything was perfect.

    Or maybe it's that I've been smoking a bit of weed today to help ease the emotions (and it helps my abdominal pain, too!).

    I'm proud of myself for correctly identifying that something weird was going on in our relationship. It means I'm not completely socially oblivious.

    Eventually the memories of this relationship will fade and I will just remember concepts but not specifics. It makes me sad to think of such beautiful memories not being preserved, but that is what makes moving on possible. That's why it's so hard now; everything is a specific: I remember exactly what she said, how she said it, how she smelled, where we were standing, what I was thinking at the time, the look in her eyes when she said it, how it felt to be in love.




    I know that I will get through this. It will suck fucking ass, but I know I will get through this.


    And tonight will suck cuz all my friends are out of town and normally I'd be with her. Oh well. I guess I'm gonna chill at my place and try to not think about her.





    So this is long but I don't give a shit. Writing it made me feel better. And now I'm gonna post it. And then I'm gonna take all the pics of her off my phone and save them to a folder on my computer and look at them in the future when I have moved on. Seeing them now will be painful, but I'm not ready to delete them just yet. And then I have like a year's worth of txts to delete. That's going to be hard (I wish my phone let me put them into folders cuz then i'd have all hers in a folder i could just delete, but it doesn't).

    And I made it through this entire post without starting to cry until just now.
     
  2. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    be strong buddy. you did try to salvage the relationship. if she broke up with you for getting rightfully upset about the grind incident, then that is weak shit and you do not deserve that.

    who knows, maybe she lost interest because you got sick, maybe she did not. i highly doubt it was one incident and if it was, thats weak and not on your part. either way now you have 100% time to completely focus on finding a way or a doctor to heal you and regain normalcy in your mind and get back to liftin weights. could very well be a blessing in disguise.

    nobody is perfect, man or woman, and you will be able to find someone that makes you just as happy if not even more happy. not to mention someone that will communicate with you clearly and effectively and not give up on you and be willing to work through tough spots like you are.

    what i think you need to do is leave the apartment tonight and go see an action movie even if its by yourself, the worst shit is sitting at home and brooding.. believe me.
     
  3. HSTexan

    HSTexan Active Member

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    How long did you guys date? It's always hard to get over someone that you think matches so perfectly. I had to do it, but luckily it was distance that helped...and I wasn't nearly as involved with her as you were with your ex.

    Do you have Celiac Disease? Don't let that even worry you about appealing to the opposite sex. Any person you would reasonably want to be with will be understanding. If she isn't, then I wouldn't think you would want to date her. It's going to be hard, but try to spend time with your friends as much as you can. Try not to think about her when you walk around your apartment. You can't think of the spatula she gave you as a gift from her...think about it as a kitchen utensil. Granted, you can't throw away everything you had. Take every life experience and use it to built who you become. You will become stronger from this
     
  4. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    So I see you decided not to contact her?
     
  5. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    A bit over 1.5 years.

    I might have Crohn's. I've been getting tests for 6 months from 5 or 6 different doctors now and no one knows what's wrong with me. I'm getting a capsule endoscopy (the pill with a camera in it) on Tuesday. There's another thread where I talk about the 11ty billion tests I've had and how they're all either negative or inconclusive. I've basically lost over 30 pounds and am in pain almost every day and haven't taken a normal shit in 6 months.

    I know that is true but my philosophy has always been to keep myself extremely attractive so I can feel confident dating beautiful women.

    I know dude. But she JUST got it for me last month when we were at the store and I always considered it the first thing we got that was eventually going to end up in "our" kitchen one day and we'd look back and be like "hey, remember when you got me this spatula back when I was living in [city] and blah blah reminisce lovey dovey etc."
     
  6. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    long story. you've been PMified.
     
  7. ChipOnShoulder

    ChipOnShoulder New Member

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    The girl I like has crohns

    Pretty serious disease, feel bad for her. Silver lining: always a challenge for her to maintain let alone gain weight
     
  8. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Have her look into marijuana. I'm totally serious. Everyone I've talked to online says that weed helps get them into remission much faster than all the Crohn's drugs out there and without the side effects like osteoporosis and destruction of your immune system.

    Another guy said his whole family has it, and they all have colostomy bags except for him, because he's the only one who smokes weed.
     
  9. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    I guess it hurts to know that someone went from "I don't think you realize how much i love you" to "I don't know how I feel about you anymore."

    I make the mistake of assuming that love and high interest levels are forever, just because the person at the time thinks they are.

    Still tho, it hurts.

    She was also so reassuring and demonstrative of her love that it made me feel very happy and secure.

    Not only do I miss that, but it seems that she was wrong in her opinion of how into me she actually was.
     
  10. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    One morning in the winter she left for work before me, and when I got out to my car she had drawn a heart in the snow on my window:

    [​IMG]

    It was a total "aww" moment.
     
  11. Amanda Ann

    Amanda Ann New Member

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  12. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    well clue me in too!
     
  13. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    :bowdown:

    How did you figure this out???? Good job!
     
  14. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    long story short I was right about the entire situation
     
  15. Kev07

    Kev07 New Member

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    forward that pm falconer :bowdown:
     
  16. Bob Brown

    Bob Brown bewshit, bewshit, bewshit

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    damn man........now I'm all :( about your situation too. But yea......sometimes writing stuff out helps.

    Good luck to you and hopefully it'll take a short time before you are all better again.

    p.s. for all those crazily in love things to happen in a span of 1.5 years is amazing :hs: but the bright side is that at least you got to experience them all and had a great time even if their memories are now painful.
     
  17. Kev07

    Kev07 New Member

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    and i just went back and read that

    :hug: :wtc:

    go watch a comedy movie or something :dunno:
     
  18. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Also, she didn't have a whorish past and liked that I was the same way :big grin:
     
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2009
  19. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    I googled "marijuana crohn's" :)

    It's not a cure, it has just proven to be somewhat effective for some people.

    And I'd rather smoke weed than have my immune system fucked by $5,000 per month IV treatments, too.

    edit - it's not even certain that I have Crohn's yet, but I just had 6 more tests for other things come back negative and with each negative test for something else, it raises the chances that I have Crohn's.
     
  20. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    get in line :squint:
     
  21. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    I just realized what happened.

    Some comments that I made permanently changed her opinion of me.

    It just hit me with perfect clarity, because I've experienced that before. I can remember one girl I was dating who said something very significant one day and it literally made me think "I cannot be with you longterm" and it was the beginning of the end (plus the girl in question was crazy anyway so this helped).

    Wow.

    It really is my fault, although indirectly.

    And it's funny because the comment I'm thinking of, I didn't even mean it how she took it.

    But she brought it up on Thursday and said something to the extent of "and I wouldn't want you raising any kids we may one day have with those values."

    I guess I will tell you the comment because I can't remember if I had mentioned it before in the other thread.

    This was about a month ago, and I was feeling depressed from being sick, and I made a comment along the lines of "this sucks, I feel like I'm all average now." I said it half joking, and the frame was that "I'm so awesome, or at least I used to be."

    From my perspective, I was saying that before I felt very attractive and successful and everything, and now I was just "regular" and I didn't like the change. I mentioned that I used to like knowing that I had one of the best bodies in a room, was decently attractive (partially because it helped me in my job of being a corporate trainer... not being egotistical, but studies have proven that attractive people can hold a crowd's attention better), etc. I think she pressed for further information and I went on to say that I always wanted to be better than average, because average people are dumb (be honest, it's true and you know it), suck with money, have debt, are divorced, etc., and I didn't want to be any of those.

    That's all I meant by it.

    I literally could have just said "now I don't feel like I'm reaching my goals" and it would've had exactly the same meaning.

    So fast forward to Thursday. She brought it up again under the context of "I can't believe you see people that way" (funny, because she used to agree with me about how dumb most people are) and "it makes me not want to bring you around my friends or family because they might not meet your standards."

    :eek3:

    It blew my fucking mind because I did NOT mean it that way. I simply meant it as an internal gauge by which I judged my own progress in life.

    I even told her then that it was just something I applied to myself and I didn't go around judging people. I was just judging myself.

    "...and i wouldn't want you passing those values onto any kids we may have one day..."

    I think I knew then that the rest of the conversation was going to be very, very bad.

    "...and it makes me worry that one day I won't be able to live up to your standards..."

    Alaya was right.


    I was actually doing pretty well this evening. I wonder if this realization is going to cause me to sink into a depression.


    But you know what? If she was having an issue with that from a month ago, then it's her fault for not bringing it up and for allowing it to become a big issue.

    The rare times I had an issue with something, I would bring it up before it turned into a big issue.

    I need a SO who says to me "hey, I have an issue with this thing you said. Let's talk about it."

    Not one who says "oh, btw, this thing you said a month ago that I haven't mentioned since, I'm not in love with you anymore."


    So in a way, it is partially related to my insecurities, which are why I made that comment in the first place. But it's her fault for letting it become a huge issue.


    It sucks a little bit more to know that it was because of something I said that I didn't even mean that way.


    So in conclusion, I think it was a combination of that "average" comment plus me freaking out when she got back from her cruise that caused her feelings to change.


    But I still stand by my statement that I need a SO who is open to communication when there are problems.
     
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2009
  22. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Oh, and I could fart in front of her :mamoru:
     
  23. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    if she cant handle the fact that you strive to be the best then :ugh2: at her

    and i agree it sucks to be average
     
  24. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    lol she does not want you to pass on the value of being the best you can be to your kids ? :rofl:
     
  25. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    When she used to leave super early for work, like if she was working the early shift and I was working the normal or late shift, she used to tell me "seeing you in bed in the morning all snuggled up, you look so cute, it makes me not want to leave!"

    I always thought that was really sweet.
     

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