SRS Stepson Troubles

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by sneva, Jan 20, 2008.

  1. sneva

    sneva OT Supporter

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    :( I have a situation on my hands that I know the answer to, but I just want to make sure with you guys/gals that I'm not being an asshole. My Stepson is home from culinary school, which he failed, and is now staying with his aunt, my wifes sister.

    My wifes parents started some shit with her, that she should be supporting him financially because her sister can't afford to have him live there. Keep in mind the boy is capable of working, he is 20. My wifes sister also agrees that we should give her money to take the weight off of her.

    We did offer him a room in our house, but he refused because he and I don't see eye to eye on anything. Last Thanksgiving we had a near knock down drag out because he questioned my authority in my own house. I told my 12 year old daughter that she couldn't do something,(slips my memory now what it was) and he stated that he didn't understand why, and that I should let her do what she wants. Totally ruined the holiday.

    I don't particlarly want him living in my house again, but he is my wifes son, and I would support anything she wanted.

    Back to the main subject though. Are we financially responsible for this adult child? Do I have to live the curse of this kid my entire life, or at some point can I sit back and let him make his own decisions and his own way? When I turned 18 I joined the military. At 21, I was married to a woman with a child, and at 22 I had a son of my own. When do I JUST SAY NO?

    My in-laws are really pressing my wife to give her sister money. She feels obligated to do so. I don't. They also told me that they think I am a bum, that if I asn't living off of their daughter, that she would be able to take care of her most important child.(their words, not mine) In my defense I am a Lab Manager/Process Chemist. I make near 6 figures in that alone. I also own an apartment building, and another small mobile oil changing busines that doesn't do to bad. They have no idea. I make more in a year than they made in the last 10.

    It's not that I don't want to help the boy, he refuses to help himself. I come from a broken family and as a kid, my family (me, my mom, and younger brother) had very little. I've worked my ass off to never be in that position again. I tried to instill this same strong work ethic into my stepson but it never took, so to speak. I refuse to give him a hand out if he isn't making an effort to work, and make his own way. I have nothing but respect for people that work hard to achieve. I have helped total strangers, and never expected anything in return, and even refused it. Their success is payment enough.

    Am I wrong here? If you tell me I am, I'll reconsider my decision. I want to help him, but as I stated earlier, he won't help himself.

    What do I do?
     
  2. Punky72

    Punky72 New Member

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    First of all your sister in law obviously agreed to let your step son live with her. Therefore, in my opinion, she agreed to take on the responsibility of supporting him while he stays with her as well!!!!!!

    Well, it's not for him to "understand why" because YOU are the parent not him. This kid obviously has absolutely NO respect for anyone. I believe it was a generous offer to let a GROWN child stay with you...it's a lot more than I would have done!!!!

    He is an ADULT!!!! There is NO WAY IN HELL you and your wife should be financially responsible for a grown man!!!! He needs to get a job and support himself or pay his aunt rent...it is not your responsibility at all. The time to just say no was probably a while back but now is a good time to start.

    Your in-laws opinion is irrelevant because (even though they are family) this matter is none of their business.I would probably tell my parents (if they tried to get involved like this) that I would start paying my sister money to help her support my grown son, just as soon as they start sending my husband money to help support me!!!!(same difference right?)

    Again it is no longer you and your wife's responsibility to support a grown child fully capable of working to support himself...I personally would not give my sister money for that...if she can't support the dead beat then she should not have offered to let him loaf off of her in the first place. She made that choice now she has to either live with it, make him get a job, or kick him out...not your problem really!!!!
     
  3. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    her sister should not be giving him money.

    well that sounds like he should be in his own apt then.

    if its your daughter its none of his biz. he should know that. if he was his blood sister, then he has a vested interest. and should have some say.... of course whatever it was matters.
    you do realize that if you have that attitude and he lives there, hes going to hate you more. you gotta change your attitude, hes not going away. hes always going to be in your wifes life. you gotta mend fences buddy.

    no but depending on your financial situation, you may want to consider putting down a deposit for his new apartment. . . . not cosigning it though.
    why not rent him a room in the apt building. unless its extremely high end....
    you do realize, that not all people have that attitude, i share and respect that attitude. however, hes not your son. you dont really have the authority to install that in him. you shouldnt try either, he will resent you more for it. remember no matter how good of a dad you are, you are never going to be his father.

    however you dont owe them any money. throwing money at a problem never solves it. tell the family yourself, not through the proxy of your wife, that he is welcome to come live with us. but chose to live on his own. We dont want to throw money at the problem, however he is welcome to live in our home as long as he gets a job and becomes a productive member of society. if he chooses to refuse that offer, then yes, he is on his own financially


    thats just what i think you should do.
     
  4. Amanda Ann

    Amanda Ann New Member

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    This might be totally irrelevant, but where's his biological father? Obviously speaking, this boy should not live with you if there's tension and problems. However, I do feel that as parents who care about their children (even if they don't see eye to eye), it's perfectly normal to want to help out - the key word being HELP. I am not suggesting that you guys throw pennies at him for everything down to a pair of sneakers, but help him out. He sounds to have hit a rough patch. Let him know he NEEDS to find a job, and give him a deadline. Have his aunt give him a deadline as to when he needs to move out of her house. When he's found this job and has saved a few bucks, HELP him (financially) put down a deposit for an apartment, maybe even throw him a few bucks for his first month's rent and bills. Moving on your own is tough the first month especially. Be firm in telling him that's all you guys will provide, that you will not bail him out if he is financially irresponsible. You would be surprise how quickly some people mature when they're faced with living on their own and supporting themselves financially.

    I only asked about his father because it only seems fair that is you guys are going to help him out that he should, too. That is, providing, that he's around/in the picture.
     
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2008
  5. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    yea like shoe princess said and ask yourself, would you be more likely to help him if you saw him moving in the right direction? (getting a job)
     
  6. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Alright, background context.

    It's important to first understand why he failed out of Culinary school. What is the context? People don't just fail out without a reason. Find out the reason first. And don't assume, find out directly from him if possible.

    Ok one event, you two don't agree on some things and he's apparently rebelling against authority figures.

    Supporting doesn't mean tolerating.

    He is not you. He has had an entirely different path and understanding that is important. He is an adult, but not every 20 year old has the tools to handle the world, especially if the young man has some problems that he doesn't know how to handle. I'd need more information.
    The best time to say no is when you believe you've made a sincere effort to understand the context surrounding the boy and his past and present behavior, and the reasons he's done or said what he has. If you feel you just can't tolerate it, and that it would be a sacrifice at your expense then you say no. You can say no anywhere a long the way really, but I suggest you find out everything you can, because the boy is your "moral" responsibility, he's apart of the woman you love, so love him too (even if you don't like him).

    Clearly their opinion isn't based on actual financial issues, but perhaps they feel it's along the lines of emotional finances. Emotional finances are the costs and expenses of having a marriage or romantic relationship. Everything comes with a cost, and some people really are bankrupt in this area even when their monetary bank account is 6 figures full. Now I don't know whether you are or aren't any particular way, but it's good to understand why people think we are the way we are. People don't just up and decide these things unless it's true, partially true, or their headcases, and if they're headcases that means their daughter couldn't have grown up healthy and sound, and the chance of her being a headcase is 100%. I'd say the truth lay somewhere inbetween all this, but I'm not judging, just pointing out what is common.

    She is his mother, she is still responsible even when he's an adult. Mothers who love their children will reach out to them, to understand their plights. Whether she should pay isn't up to me to decide, but she ought to go to any length to find out what her son needs and why. And as her supporter, you ought to be there to support her in doing that.

    Notice I'm not telling anyone to give anyone money or anything, I'm suggesting you get to the common demoninator of why this is happening. Young men rarely rarely rarely ever just fail out of school and act like pieces of shit (That's the impression I'm getting from you) by themselves.

    He is not you. His past is not a reflection of yours. He has encountered different trials that have left entirely different impressions. The boy isn't defying authority or behaving this way because he's lazy or that it serves him. I'm sure he's quite unhappy inside, but why? What is going on?

    Why wouldn't a young man want to work, unless something happened to him that is disabling his motivation, his passion, or his desire. What is the history of your wifes family? I'm getting the impression there is much more here than meets the eye.

    It's not a matter of whether you're right or wrong, but whether your choices serve you in the larger picture. Does it serve you to alienate him and "teach him a lesson" by abandoning him? Perhaps if he already has the tools, he'd be capable and successful under those circumstances. However would it serve you if something was severely wrong with the boy, that you nor anyone knows about, and the boy is suffering greatly (though on the outside looks quite fine) -- would it serve you then?

    Find out what is happening, communicate fairly without judging or condemning or blaming. Find out how to help rather than hurt. What you perceive as "not helping himself" may in-fact be a cry for help.

    You can take or leave what I'm putting forth. I do hope my blunt approach won't be taken offensively but rather will help all involved to look both at themselves, as well as to try to lift the boy up and get to the root of things.
     
  7. sneva

    sneva OT Supporter

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    I think I didn't give enough detail in my first post, and I don't want this to become a point- counterpoint discussion. I did disagree with Yuppy saying that if she was his blood sister he would have a vested interest. I wouldn't tolerate anyone trying to stake their authority in my business, but I do understand what you meant. No disrespect intended here.

    It's not as though I have raised him as an outsider. I raised him as my son. And as far as his father is concerned, he wasn't allowed to have contact with him. My in laws wouldn't let him see him in the begining and it became harder for my wife after we were married to try and make contact with the father. I actually sought the guy out and arranged a meeting with him. He was very defensive about the whole thing. All he was concerned about was having to pay child support, and what that was going to cost him. I knew this guy from high-school, he was kind of strange then, and I could see that he hadn't changed much. I tried to get him to just contact my wife, and get her permission to meet his son. And, yes he needed her permission, because after all the crap that had taken place, and I'm sure my in-laws made it difficult for both of them, he did know that he had a 14 year old kid out there that needed him.

    As for Metallic Blue's comment about possibly being emotionally bankrupt, we have been married for almost 19 years. We've had our ups and downs, but the last 10 years or so have really been good. I'm not saying the first 9 were bad, just that we had gotten married young and hadn't had time to grow and mature into adults that were actually ready for a long term relationship.

    We have always bee loving and caring to all three of our kids. And the other two are well rounded individuals. They do well in school, but are not over-achievers. They both have quite a large social circle, but are very independant. And I like to say that I have treated them all the same, but I know that isn't true. They have all been treated and dealt with as individuals, but I never singled out the oldest because he wasn't my blood. Actually I think I give less "handouts" to his siblings, because of the lessons I learned with him.

    The failing out of school wasn't exactly the way it happened, just easier way of putting it. I paid for his school, it's what he wanted to do. I didn't pressure him into furthering his education. I let him make that decission on his own. I helped him gather the information, and helped him make an informed decision. (I don't believe that you have to have a degree to "make it", but I do know that it certainly does help speed the process). We looked into the military too. He didn't like the idea of even being the support staff in what he calls "a baby killing machine". What had happened is his last month in school he cashed out the remaining tuition to buy a car and didn't tell us that he didn't have enough money left to finish school. I found this out through the school, and later got the full truth out of him after he had reached the point of no return with the school. (I wouldn't buy him another car because the previous two I had bought he wrecked, and treated like shit.)

    Not sure if I filled in all the blanks for you, but I think we are good parents. Our kids are treated with respect, any punishments have been minimal, as beating a dead horse rarely is productive. They have all been taught to learn from their mistakes, not dwell on them, but to grow stronger from the experience, and never forget where they have been. It's the only way to chart where you are going, and sail ahead or change course and move in the direction you want to go.
     
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2008
  8. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    I don't think it was in the boys best interest to be introduced to a man who both abandoned him and had ongoing disinterest in providing the minimum financial support needed for the child. I have a better idea of why he's rebelling against your authority. The man who was supposed to be there wasn't -- the feeling of anger and abandonment is likely there. You represent the male figure (The father), so he's likely overlaying the feelings.

    Additionally, while it's not always the rule, why would a man of this character(the father who left) have been involved with your wife to begin with? What attracted your wife to him, and led to her pregnancy? What can you tell me about that?

    What types of ups and downs did you experience, and when was the boy born along the process? He's 20 years old, so was she pregnant before she met you?

    If everyone is doing well except this one boy, then something happened to him beyond the family dynamic. Have you talked to him one on one, and asked him if anything has happened to him? Is he defensive or secretive?

    Sounds like a typical young male idealist. I suspect he is interested in art, writing, music etc?

    Do you know how these accidents occurred? It's important to ask what would compel a young man to crash his vehicles, then lie and basically destroy his academic access to the school he chose to attend by cashing out. Do you have any idea why he may have done this? There is something deeper.

    Fair enough, it all seems very reasonable, but we have to ask the big question. Why would a boy from this type of environment behave this way? The only difference in variable that I can see is that he's not blood related, he was abandoned by the one male figure who was supposed to love him. Children who are abandoned by their fathers -- depending on their earlier experiences -- will often respond in a similar way that he is.

    What else have you noticed? Another variable is, has he ever mentioned feeling unloved, treated like an outside, or what emotions or statements has he expressed? Now I want to make it clear here, that whatever he has said doesn't mean it's true, or that you're bad parents. I'm not judging you, but rather trying to find the root. As I've said in other threads, if you stare at the leaves of a tree you may never understand the tree, but should you seek out the root, you will understand all that grows from it.
     
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2008
  9. sneva

    sneva OT Supporter

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    Blue, you asked why this guy would be involved with my wife. Keep in mind that their relationship happened some 20+ years ago. In my opinion, it was more of a rebelion towards her father than anything, and she ended up having a child out of the relationship. When she informed her parents they made all of her decisions for her. She had shown to that point that she wasn't capable of making proper decisions, in their eyes.

    After we were married, I would like you to keep in mind that any decisions that I made concerning my step-sons welfare, unbeknownst to me at the time, were being overturned by my in-laws. They would also bad mouth me in front of him. I didn't find this out until years later. My wife didn't have the nerve to tell them to stop. She was/is afraid of her father. From an early age he was given a very poor opinion of me. I didn't realize it at the time, but this also created much tension between my wife and I.

    I have since confronted my father-in-law with facts that have taken me years to put together. I know confrontation heals nothing, but I wanted him to know that I knew what he had done. That aside I was then able to move forward and salvage what was left of my marriage.

    The sad part for my step son is that he acts a lot like his grandfather. Sneaky, deceptive, and lies about everything. By the way you were correct, music is very important to him as well as drawing and other forms of art. Thanks for your input, it's helping me see how things are. I have known it all along, I guess, and this is also helping me remember a lot of important facts. I'm certain that I have forgotten most of them. I want to se this kid develope and become a productive adult, but every time I have tried to help him he takes it more for my being in his business and trying to make him do what I want. That just isn't the case. Maybe he feels he's been burnt and lashing out at me will fix it for him. I do know that everytime I try to help or offer advice, he does the exact opposite, out of spite, no matter the consequences. I don't force my opinions on him, rather present options his limited experience hasn't seen yet.

    I did speak to him today, asked how he was, anything I could do for him. He said he was fine. He found out in the last couple of months that three of four of his good friends from high school are serving lengthy prison sentences.(Drug dealing, armed robbery, and grand theft auto.) He said he feels a bit lost because of this. I offered him words of encouragement, that he made decisions in the past that would affect the rest of his life and so had they. Again, I told him to not dwell in the past, what is done is done, just to learn from it. I did find out that for the past two weeks, he has been holding down two part time jobs, and is looking into buying a car. I also asked him to come over for dinner one night this week, let me or his mother know which night is good for him.

    You asked about the two cars I bought him. The first one he wrecked while street racing. He lied to the cops and us about it and avoided any legal repercussions. The second car his buddies and him spray painted obscenities on it, broke out the windows and slashed the interior. I woke up the next morning to see it parked in the street and thinking it had been done overnight by anyone but him,(it never even crossed my mind) I called the cops. They talked to the boy about it and he filed a report. They asked him were he had been the night before, and he told them the names of his friends. We later learned that the two friends had been questioned and the admitted to trashing the car with my stepsons help and permission. He was charged with filing a false report and obstruction.

    I understand where you are going with this Metallic, and I also know it's easy to sit back and say "oh I see your mistakes, try this." I know you are offering advice because I asked for it. I do however believe that a more clear view can be made from the outside. That is wht I'm here. Thanks for your encouragement and analysis. Believe it or not you nailed alot of it dead on. The only one you did miss was, I have been there for him. I have offered my support and love unconditionally to him. He just doesn't see it that way sometimes, and I blame my wifes parents for that. I also want to say I'm not a person who passes blame onto others. I almost always understand that things happen because of some sort of outside influence and there is ultimately somebody responsible for those actions. I do take responsibility for my actions or inactions.
     
  10. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Like mother like son. It appears the "control" issues she endured having lived in that environment is somehow being passed along. Not genetically, but through perhaps the family dynamic, between the tension you all have experienced. The age of your children, he is the oldest, and I suspect there are a number of years separating your kids?

    What is it that would cause them to choose you as a target? What have your experiences with them been like? The boy being placed in between this would help explain further why he's responding the way he is.

    What had he done that impacted your marriage and otherwise?

    What is put into a child is what you get out. The child appears to be rebelling out of "control" -- he feels controlled, who is controlling him?

    When other outlets don't allow a child to express themselves, they often turn to symbolic and abstract concepts to convey the emotion and experience they perceive. Art is like an encrypted file, only a select few who are non-threatening can interpret the art work. Fellow artists who suffer in similar ways tend to intuitively understand, providing another outlet, though isolation tends to be the primary problem.

    The people he is closest to are probably troubled, likely involved with crime and withdrawn and or arrogant and tough acting, but secretly they too seek out expression in art or in private vulnerability. Write, rap, be in bands, etc. Another irony is that while their behavior is often damaging, they're often intelligent.

    There is a solution to this. Given he sees you as an authority figure who he probably feels controlled by (Not saying you are controlling) -- rather letting go of him, not advising him, and allowing him to come to you by making yourself accessible, will provide an outlet. He will likely not feel safe doing this, but in time trust will build as you "act" in his best interest relative to what he's come forward expressing. You may feel you've acted in his best interest all along, but the logic can easily confirm the contradiction. He needs something you haven't provided, but your intention was to provide it, only it wasn't in a format he could accept or perhaps understand.

    It is a bit like a person trying to insert a tape cassette into a CD player, or VHS tape into a DVD player and vice versa. Different people need different things, and communication has to be adapted to suit their ability much like learning styles. He may respond to hugs in communicating love behavior having someone say the words. Or perhaps he may need to hear the words rather than be hugged.

    Communicate on his level, and you should see a change. For someone like your son, he doesn't respond to counter-advice. A lot of people respond to this. Counter advice is when someone is doing something, and you tell them "That isn't the best decision, because if you do that, the consequences will probably cause you to end up like this or that and it will be bad." -- it's also called consequential fear.

    One person who hears that advice and responds positively to that will commonly respond to it and thus avoid making the error, while someone who doesn't respond often requires the opposite approach.

    The pro-consequence is information which suggests "Moving towards something, rather than moving away from something." If you say for example "If you choose this and this, you can get from here to here -- is that what you'd like?" -- this bypasses the counter (fear driven motivation) towards "Proactive motivation."

    When a child behaves that way, or is angry -- it's a cry for help. If you could literally exchange the words said, you would here "Help me, understand me, want me" It's very much the same way for most adults, unless they're delusional and mentally psychotic/sociopaths.

    See this pattern? It repeats. Only when asked for advice is it wise to give advice to someone with his pattern, and when advice is given it ought to avoid at all cost stating the consequence in terms of negative outcomes and be provided on their level. It is important to pay attention to tone as well. A young man like this will perceive any condescension on well intended advice as an excuse to ignore it.

    He perceives them as forced, so changing the pattern on your end can help alter his pattern. If you behave and change a certain way, he'll be forced to adapt.

    That is very good that you provided an opening. He feels lost because he sees his inevitably future (unconsciously in himself) if the course of his life isn't encouraged and changed. He has to be motivated to have a reason to live, but there is little reason to try if his needs still go unmet and his individuality feels suppressed or not accepted.

    I think this approach may appear to work on the surface, but in actuality with someone who demonstrates his pattern this only serves to reinforce what he's already heard. In other words it minimizes his experience and his feelings. He will feel that he doesn't have a right to own his feelings. If he can't own them, he won't be able to learn from his past. He'll feel as empty as he always had and perhaps for a temporary moment be enlightened by his own knowledge of his fate, and thus "pick himself up by his bootstraps" but in reality he'll fall right back down, because there is no real substance to support him.

    If you can support him beyond cliche, and listen to him talk about the past, and to express how he really feels without judgment or interruption, you will find it will begin to bridge the chasm between you.

    Here is the "pick himself up by the bootstraps" part -- you can see it's easy to predict the pattern if you've seen it before. He will fall down again unless the changes I've pointed out take place.

    This was that "symbolic" expression I spoke about earlier." It was directed at your family. He did all of this unconsciously. It was a message, much like the dreams we have at night. It was saying "I'm real, I have needs, I will be heard, I am in control now, not you." Inevitably this pattern leads to a loss of control, but that isn't the point. The message is what is important.

    You're welcome. It is only good advice if you take it. I suggest you do, it will not be easy, and it will test your patience, but it will begin the healing.

    I don't remember suggesting you hadn't been. It was assumed you had been given you made the thread.

    Clearly you understand that the way you were doing it wasn't working, even with the best intentions, so now hopefully you have more tools. If what I've said isn't enough, I'm going to suggest counseling for the young man, but the problem is -- you can't be the one to suggest it, so that's quite a conundrum.
     
  11. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    Oh, wow. Thats what my roommate did. Its basically stealing in my book.

    Congrats, that would have taken balls.

    ive noticed....

    Ive got a few who have gone in for Dealing and assualt (which they called burglary)... he fell into the wrong crowd, best bet, get him to an out of state or more than 200 miles away school.... it worked for me, just a thought....

    good work, now you gotta act right during this meeting. treat him like an adult. ask if he likes his job. dont ask about his future too much. that stresses kids out and makes em feel pressured to do better. talk sports, whatever hes into....

    well, thats what i would do and what i would tell my kid to do.... id tell him cops are never friends and that they can't help you as much as a lawyer.. i say this because I believe there is no reason to pay 3000 dollars on top of a wrecked car, kuz thats all that could come of it..... i dont believe in the legal system in general as a way to solve problems like this. if i did it would be like saying, yea i deserve to pay 150 bucks for not wearing a seatbelt.... which i dont believe i do.

    I have a friend who served 3 years for a manslaughter charge. He was street racing on a crotch rocket; the other guy crashed and then he got arrested... not 100% sure on the details. My other friend, actually met the guy in prison and introduced us. If you met this guy, you wouldnt have any clue he ever served any time. Hes a productive member of society who made a stupid move as a teenager.

    yea that whole thing about the cars, its screwed up. hes on his own with those.... id say.


    good luck with him @ dinner. just be a pleasant man. it takes a bigger man to swallow his ego than it does to preach about his beliefs. you may find that you 2 will get along as long as you avoid the touchy subjects. maybe ask him about his girlfriend? or if hes met anyone.... idk im trying to think of things, talking to step kids has to be hard....
     
  12. sneva

    sneva OT Supporter

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    Blue, I didn't mean to offend you, I just read and maybe misunderstood you earlier that you thought I hadn't been there for him. Thanks for the response though. You're entitled because I asked for it, seriously. Yuppie, I never avoid touchy subjects. I see what you are saying, but gut the fuckin' thing and look at it. I used to be 'scared' to ask one of my tenants for the rent on the 15th when it was due the 1st, but FFFF em, it's a business deal and it may not be pretty. I know my relationship with this young man isn't business, but I don't pull punches with my kids. They hear it for what it is! Somebody owes me money and they don't pay, they might as well have pulled a gun on me and will be dealt with accordingly. Business is business, period. I'm a very straight forward kind of person, you know a REPUBLICAN. I love this kid like you can't imagine. I will not be held an emotional hostage, while his mother will, which, retorically means, I will be too. I want to help him, but I want him to want to help himself. Until he puts anybody ahead of himself I don't think that's possible. Sometimes I think you have to care about others before you can care about yourself. Maybe This is where I have failed him, and myself, US. I want him to want something, he just has to figure out what that is, for himself.

    Thanks again.
     
  13. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    A relationship with your step son is not a tenant/ land lord relationship. Treat him like a human.

    hey i vote republican too...

    i dont mean for you to be an emotional hostage. I mean for you treat him with respect and dignity, like you would your friends.

    He is an adult, treat him like one. Treat him with dignity and respect, like anyone deserves. Sure you can justify it to yourself by saying that you had it tough and it built character but you also have to remember that its a different day and age now. Sometimes it helps to be a little more progressive (see: Neocons for a continuation of your metaphor)

    If you dont treat him with respect. He will never feel validated. Its prolly important to him that you treat him like a grown up, and it might help him grow up a little.

    If you continue to treat him like a little boy he will continue to act like one. Help him do something, like set up an IRA or goto a ball game together. Don't just preach to him because hes not you. He is himself, hes grown up to be his own man. I mean do you constantly tell your fellow adults that they need to grow up? Id doubt it.


    I say avoid touchy subjects because you have fences to mend. Act like an adult and try to mend them. Don't act like your better than him.
     
  14. sneva

    sneva OT Supporter

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    Look Blue, i don't want to beat my wife up in this. You asked what impact my in-laws have had in our marriage. 11 years or so ago, she cheated on me. If you do a search on my screen name you can see that I responded to a thread that DATACOMGUY started and I explained this extremely hard time in my life. I did find that my in-laws encouraged her behavior. One reason that we no longer speak.(the in-laws) Besides, they honestly believe that I don't work. Their problem, not mine. I put 65 hours a week at he office plus my own persoal interests.( appts, and small buz). Don't over-analyze my wifes' and my past, it's not that complicated. Don't think I resent him(step-son)
    for her. I don't pass the blame to him, again, not how I function. Again thanks for your input.
     
  15. sneva

    sneva OT Supporter

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    Yuppie, your a damn genious, treat him like an equal. Maybe that's something I've missed. It seems so simple, yet so easily overlooked. Thank you.
     
  16. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    lol i dont know if youre being sarcastic or not... im going to assume you are considering taking it to heart. but for the most part i think that is good advice.

    im just a 23 year old guy, who had fights with my parents for a long time, but its gotten a lot better now.
     
  17. sneva

    sneva OT Supporter

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    I was being sincere.
     
  18. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    No offense taken man.
     
  19. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Of course not. I'm not interested in making her look bad. We're discussing the past in order to find the root of where this boy may have been affected. Certainly nothing good comes of blame, but the truth whether we like or not should always be looked at.

    That's quite a hard thing to endure. What was the affect it had on the family, especially the boy? Did they know about it?

    I'm still not sure why they would encourage that type of behavior and make claims that were so blatantly false, given your array of business ventures. There is clearly a problem on your wifes side of the family. Are they alcoholics?

    I won't continue if you wish, but I do think it holds the key to his present behavior.

    I don't think that. I think you care.

    I didn't think you did. Best wishes with handling this young man. If you want to talk further about it let me know.
     
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2008
  20. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    I think it's quite good advice.
     
  21. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    good deal man. good luck. keep us updated on how things are going.
     
  22. sneva

    sneva OT Supporter

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    We had dinner last night. Went pretty well. He was talking about going back to school this coming fall. I told him I thought that might be good for him. He did bring up how to pay for it. I still feel burnt from the last time, so I didn't offer to pay this time. I'll talk to the wife this weekend about it, see if she's going to help me help him this time. Last time I paid for the whole thing. I didn't bring any of it up last night though, didn't want to take a crap on an otherwise nice evening.
    I would prefer this not turning into a money issue, but I really fear that it is going to. I'm not so ready to whip out the check book this time. I know that I'm going to look like a mean ogre to my wife and my in-laws if I say no, but it wasn't their money that was wasted on what was supposed to be a car, but turned out to be weed and beer. (found that out recently) What do you guys think? Let me know if there is any other information you need to really piece this together. Thanks again.:wavey:
     
  23. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    wow sneva, it sounds like you have grown a little! (by 'not shitting on the night')

    you know you could make him get student loans and offer to pay for them if he gets a 3.0 or a 2.5 even (for at least a semester)
     
  24. Punky72

    Punky72 New Member

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    My question is: Is there any way (if you do pay again) that the school can not refund tuition to anyone beside you??? I think before I spoke to anyone about it or planned on paying again I would check with the school about that first. I for one would not want to be burned again. So, if you decide to lend that helping hand, just ensure it doesn't get chopped off this time.
     
  25. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Help, but protect yourself. There are many ways to ensure the money goes specifically to the school. They have debit cards for schools that allow them to only use it for very specific things. You can also talk directly with the school.

    Be helpful, but don't carry him. He's an adult, so while you show respect, you also show commitment to allowing him to be responsible for himself and his behavior.
     

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