I don't even know where to start. I always had trouble dealing with people, but I still managed to make some friends and could open up and have fun around em. Lately I just can't stand being around people. I don't like a lot of my friends that I've had for years. They interrupt me and put me down or just don't pay me any attention at all. They also talk shit about me and other people in the group. When I bring in a friend that is actually nice to me into the group they reject that friend or totally ignore me while talking to the new friend. In elementary school if there was a problem it would usually just escalate and I would end up beating them up. That won't work today cause we are all 3x as heavy and adults so the physical and social consequences would be too much. Plus if I bring something up that I have a problem with they laugh it off or just ignore it and try to change the subject. I quit my last job because I couldn't stand the people I was around. It was just so tense. Again people either ignored me and stayed far away from me. I did my job well and worked hard, but I felt like nobody wanted me there. People would talk amongst each other and when I tried to say something they would give me these blank looks like "uh oh what do you want?" College is fine and I'm starting to do well in my core electrical engineering classes. But I'm worried that even when I get my degree I won't be able to handle myself in a workplace environment. I have problems dealing with authority figures. It always feels like they are either afraid of me or want me gone. Its pretty much the same deal with my family. My dad would generally just keep to himself untill the tension would just build up and he would explode and go into a rage. A year or so ago he burst into my room and wanted to fight me because he thought I broke the towel rack in the bathroom, even though everyone knew my autistic older brother did it. I jumped right up to him and stuck my chin out, wanting him to try and hit me. I was ready to kill him, but he backed down. A few days later I talked to him about it, and he wouldn't believe me that I didn't break the towel rack. I'm sure he simply needed to use seomeone else as a scapegoat other than my brother, who had been the family scapegoat for a long time. Since then we haven't really talked. My mom is like a pathetic little child. She constantly needs attention and turns into a martyr if she doesnt get it. She comments negatively on everything I do, and constantly asks me questions about random shit. I've never hit her, but its becoming harder and harder to stop myself. She used to beat on me and both my brothers sometimes when I was younger. She would also get into these fits and make us feel guilty for everything we did and always threatened to leave and never come back. Females in general irritate me. I never really trusted them and usually brushed off flirting because I didn't think it was genuine. Having a foot fetish never really helped my confidence around girls either. In high school girls who already had boyfriends would seemingly flirt with me. I figured they just needed some attention and I kind of resented it. THere was one girl who seemed genuinley interested and I really liked her. But the more I saw her the more paranoid I became. I started thinking that she felt sorry for me or something. I started avoiding her even though she still seemed very open towards me. I felt like I needed to make her feel guilty, even though she technically didn't do anything wrong. First year of college the same thing happened. Met a girl that I kind of liked and managed to remain cool for a while. She caught me staring at her feet (I wasnt really trying to hide it) she seemed to enjoy the attention and gave me a smirk. But again I had no idea whether she actually liked me. When her friend asked me if I liked her, I bolted. I called her like 4 months later and left a message but she never called back. This year I met a girl in class who seemingly flirted with me (laughed at everything I said and would give me little play punches and stuff). Then one day I'm talking to her and find out shes married. I wasn't really that much into her but it was still a bit of a wtf? moment for me. The person I used to rely on, my best friend from high school started acting weird towards me late into high school. We used to back each other up and give each other support. We were very similar in our distrust of people and anger issues. But together we got along great and built a little group of friends. Then he started growing distant towards me and accused me of turning people against him, which wasnt true, but he didn't seem to believe me. I was really hurt by the fact that he didn't trust me. When he found out about my fetish (I dont know how) he started always bringing attention to his feet. I didn't understand why he was doing it. At first I thought he was trying to experiment and was kind of flattered because I felt like he really did trust me, though I never gave any indication I was interested. When he started doing that infront of other people I started feeling like I was getting mocked. I still talk to him every once in a while and he seems cool for a while. Then he again will knowingly bring attention to his feet, even though he has a girlfriend. I feel like he is still trying to get back at me for something when he does that by making me feel uncomfortable. Once I asked him why he does that but he avoided it and I didn't feel like pushing the question. The whole situation makes me feel like I don't have a firm grip on reality because he plays it off so well. I have no idea how to make new friends. I have acquaintances that I talk to in school here but I don't like spending too much time with them. I don't feel like I can really connect with anybody. Sometimes when I'm just walking around and someone looks at me more than once I get an adrenaline dump like I'm about to get into a fight. I joined a boxing gym and I really enjoyed it even though most of the time I felt like nobody wanted me there either. After I quit my job I couldnt afford to go there anymore. The only thing I look forward to now is boxing with a friend, though he lives far away so we rarely get together to do that. I'm really starting to feel isolated and extremely aggresive when I do go out. I don't even understand the point of interacting with people anymore. I don't understand why people talk to one another. I feel like when people talk to me its only because I pay attention to them, but they never pay attention to me. It never actually leads to anything except me feeling like shat. My therapist tells me most of this is all in my head and doesn't really offer much other advice. I think my initial distrust of people is all in my head. But when I come off as an asshole or an angry dude people do genuinley want to stay away from me or treat me like crap, so then my distrust is reinforced. Right now I can't even begin to imagine how to change my situation. Even if I do get a decent engineering job once I graduate, I can't imagine being able to keep that job because it would require some decent social skills. Eventually they would try and get rid of me cause I would piss off the boss. Anyway, I really needed to put that in writing so I could read it and see whether I still have some sort of grip on reality cause lately it really doesnt feel like it.