SRS Starting to lose it (long vent)

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by konrad109, Jun 7, 2006.

  1. konrad109

    konrad109 New Member

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    I don't even know where to start. I always had trouble dealing with people, but I still managed to make some friends and could open up and have fun around em.

    Lately I just can't stand being around people. I don't like a lot of my friends that I've had for years. They interrupt me and put me down or just don't pay me any attention at all. They also talk shit about me and other people in the group. When I bring in a friend that is actually nice to me into the group they reject that friend or totally ignore me while talking to the new friend. In elementary school if there was a problem it would usually just escalate and I would end up beating them up. That won't work today cause we are all 3x as heavy and adults so the physical and social consequences would be too much. Plus if I bring something up that I have a problem with they laugh it off or just ignore it and try to change the subject.

    I quit my last job because I couldn't stand the people I was around. It was just so tense. Again people either ignored me and stayed far away from me. I did my job well and worked hard, but I felt like nobody wanted me there. People would talk amongst each other and when I tried to say something they would give me these blank looks like "uh oh what do you want?" College is fine and I'm starting to do well in my core electrical engineering classes. But I'm worried that even when I get my degree I won't be able to handle myself in a workplace environment. I have problems dealing with authority figures. It always feels like they are either afraid of me or want me gone.

    Its pretty much the same deal with my family. My dad would generally just keep to himself untill the tension would just build up and he would explode and go into a rage. A year or so ago he burst into my room and wanted to fight me because he thought I broke the towel rack in the bathroom, even though everyone knew my autistic older brother did it. I jumped right up to him and stuck my chin out, wanting him to try and hit me. I was ready to kill him, but he backed down. A few days later I talked to him about it, and he wouldn't believe me that I didn't break the towel rack. I'm sure he simply needed to use seomeone else as a scapegoat other than my brother, who had been the family scapegoat for a long time. Since then we haven't really talked.

    My mom is like a pathetic little child. She constantly needs attention and turns into a martyr if she doesnt get it. She comments negatively on everything I do, and constantly asks me questions about random shit. I've never hit her, but its becoming harder and harder to stop myself. She used to beat on me and both my brothers sometimes when I was younger. She would also get into these fits and make us feel guilty for everything we did and always threatened to leave and never come back.

    Females in general irritate me. I never really trusted them and usually brushed off flirting because I didn't think it was genuine. Having a foot fetish never really helped my confidence around girls either. In high school girls who already had boyfriends would seemingly flirt with me. I figured they just needed some attention and I kind of resented it. THere was one girl who seemed genuinley interested and I really liked her. But the more I saw her the more paranoid I became. I started thinking that she felt sorry for me or something. I started avoiding her even though she still seemed very open towards me. I felt like I needed to make her feel guilty, even though she technically didn't do anything wrong.

    First year of college the same thing happened. Met a girl that I kind of liked and managed to remain cool for a while. She caught me staring at her feet (I wasnt really trying to hide it) she seemed to enjoy the attention and gave me a smirk. But again I had no idea whether she actually liked me. When her friend asked me if I liked her, I bolted. I called her like 4 months later and left a message but she never called back. This year I met a girl in class who seemingly flirted with me (laughed at everything I said and would give me little play punches and stuff). Then one day I'm talking to her and find out shes married. I wasn't really that much into her but it was still a bit of a wtf? moment for me.

    The person I used to rely on, my best friend from high school started acting weird towards me late into high school. We used to back each other up and give each other support. We were very similar in our distrust of people and anger issues. But together we got along great and built a little group of friends. Then he started growing distant towards me and accused me of turning people against him, which wasnt true, but he didn't seem to believe me. I was really hurt by the fact that he didn't trust me. When he found out about my fetish (I dont know how) he started always bringing attention to his feet. I didn't understand why he was doing it. At first I thought he was trying to experiment and was kind of flattered because I felt like he really did trust me, though I never gave any indication I was interested. When he started doing that infront of other people I started feeling like I was getting mocked.

    I still talk to him every once in a while and he seems cool for a while. Then he again will knowingly bring attention to his feet, even though he has a girlfriend. I feel like he is still trying to get back at me for something when he does that by making me feel uncomfortable. Once I asked him why he does that but he avoided it and I didn't feel like pushing the question. The whole situation makes me feel like I don't have a firm grip on reality because he plays it off so well.

    I have no idea how to make new friends. I have acquaintances that I talk to in school here but I don't like spending too much time with them. I don't feel like I can really connect with anybody. Sometimes when I'm just walking around and someone looks at me more than once I get an adrenaline dump like I'm about to get into a fight. I joined a boxing gym and I really enjoyed it even though most of the time I felt like nobody wanted me there either. After I quit my job I couldnt afford to go there anymore. The only thing I look forward to now is boxing with a friend, though he lives far away so we rarely get together to do that.

    I'm really starting to feel isolated and extremely aggresive when I do go out. I don't even understand the point of interacting with people anymore. I don't understand why people talk to one another. I feel like when people talk to me its only because I pay attention to them, but they never pay attention to me. It never actually leads to anything except me feeling like shat.

    My therapist tells me most of this is all in my head and doesn't really offer much other advice. I think my initial distrust of people is all in my head. But when I come off as an asshole or an angry dude people do genuinley want to stay away from me or treat me like crap, so then my distrust is reinforced.
    Right now I can't even begin to imagine how to change my situation. Even if I do get a decent engineering job once I graduate, I can't imagine being able to keep that job because it would require some decent social skills. Eventually they would try and get rid of me cause I would piss off the boss.

    Anyway, I really needed to put that in writing so I could read it and see whether I still have some sort of grip on reality cause lately it really doesnt feel like it.
     
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2006
  2. Arclight

    Arclight Hypercube

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    You seem to be very aggressive and confrontational. Just relax and be more laid back.

    Smoke some weed? :mamoru: ;)

    Seriously now, relax and be more confident. It sounds like a lot of this "people don't want me around" mentality stems from a lack of confidence. Perhaps this lack of confidence was instilled by your mother criticizing you for everything and making you feel guilty for everything you did when you were younger.

    Also your friends sound like a bunch of pricks. Why is your friend bringing your attention to his feet? Are you Gay/Bi?

    Hmm there's a lot to say here but for starters work on not coming across as agressive and be more confident in yourself. People don't generally hate you from the instant they see you, so don't think that just because someone gives you a second glance that it's mortal kombat time.

    The surge of adrenaline stems from the fight or flight response that is genetically built-into all humans. It stems from fear. What are you afraid of when someone glances at you? Who cares? Just ignore them. :dunno:
     
  3. konrad109

    konrad109 New Member

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    I don't think I'm gay or bi. I am attracted to feet though, so it can be confusing when a male is bringing attention to his feet. I don't think he's gay either, so I see it as a way for him to make me self concious.

    I agree about the fear and lack of confidence. My mom, dad, and older brother were pretty unpredictable and as a kid i could never tell the next time i was gonna get attacked. Someone giving me an extended look without saying anything or smiling or nodding and looking away is enough for me see them as potentially aggressive towards me.
     
  4. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    I see two things happening here:

    1. You're outgrowing behaviors you learned as a child, and you may know what those behaviors are or you may not, but either way you haven't figured out how to behave "better" yet, perhaps because you don't yet know what you think is better.

    2. You're a sucker for giving away a little free attention (see point #1), and since people always like getting a little free attention, you've been used for that purpose for a long time and you're sick of it. I'm not sure I can say at this point what the best approach is to stop being taken advantage of, but your defensiveness suggests that you're busy trying to figure that out yourself too.
     
  5. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    I don't think that many people don't want you around. I agree with the therapist, most of it is in your head. Maybe you don't know how to interpret signals people send correctly. When someone does something immediately you assume it is a sign that they don't want you around, only you are misreading that signal. I don't know since I don't know you, but I find it hard to believe that no one wants you around.
     
  6. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    Depends on how typecast the guy has become in the eyes of his friends. If he's changing and maturing and they don't like it, they'll get nasty. People always do.
     
  7. konrad109

    konrad109 New Member

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    I'm not sure what you mean by typecast, but there is definetley some opposition to any "mature" behavior. They seem threatened if I interact well with girls or with guys who are not part of our group. They will actually interrupt my conversation sometimes to talk to this other person.

    And if its just 3 of us hanging out, most of the time its them talking amongst themselves (sometimes even whispering.) If I do manage to get a word in they usually change the subject pretty quickly. They've tried to blame me for things that there is no way I could have done. The one guy who always seemed to have my back and was actually happy when I felt good is giving me this weird foot tease thing. Maybe he mistook me looking up to him as me being attracted to him. Untill I met him I never really knew a male that I felt like I could look up to.
     
  8. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    He wasn't talking about just his friends, he was talking about everyone from his friends, to the boxing gym, to his job.
     
  9. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    The common thread is they are all people he's known for a little while. Besides, sudden behavioral changes leave the person who's changing in a position where they don't really know how to behave because they're not good at being "the new them" yet. That throws people off as well.
     
  10. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    I think your taking the wrong kind of theraphy and should receive anger management instead. But asides that, you can't connect because you don't know what friendship is all about , you know something is wrong tho but can't really place a finger on it. The thing is everyone around you is making you dead unhappy. You have to realise , most misery in your life comes from other people.

    My father has belittled me, yelled and tried to convince me to commit suicide and with anything i did it was never good enough.

    Was this a reality tho? Absolutely not.

    I learned that 'negativity leads to nowhere.' , you know when someone 'constantly' stamps whatever you try to do into the ground with negative comments and negative actions then you notice that nothing is allowed to be born. Thus everything in your life becomes miserable because when its 24/7/365 negativity in your life you get a pretty devastated overal picture.

    What you want to do is to get rid of the negativity out of your life, because if you ask yourself the question, what happyness has all that negative stuff added to your life = zero. Thus if it doesn't benefit your life you might as well trashcan it and refuse to allow any of it in your life. So what i want you to do is to grab a cup of coffee and read this http://iands.org/ascension.html it should be self explanatory enough from there.
     
  11. konrad109

    konrad109 New Member

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    The more I interact with some of my friends the more I feel like I need to whoop their asses. One of them specifically ruins the cohesivness of the group and actively tries to play people against each other. Yet no one stands up to him. Instead they suck up to him to try to gain favor so he shares some of his "power". The guy is a sociopath by the very definition of the word and loves playing power games. He's been threatened by tons of people and is completely unaffected. Hes a big guy with tons of "confidence" so no one stands up to him except for me when I get seriously pissed.

    10 years ago I would have beaten this guy to a pulp without thinking twice. Now I feel powerless and weak and stupid for letting this go on for so long. Next time he tries to humiliate me I'm seriously going to hurt him bad. Hes bigger than me but I'm gonna go straight in for the sucker elbow. We've had tons of confrontations where I never actually hit him, so he won't expect it next time I walk up to him in a challenging manner. I can't believe I may have to stoop to this to regain some sanity in my life, but right now I feel like I either put this guy in his place or I have to drop my friends completely.
     
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2006
  12. johan

    johan Active Member

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    So you want to beat this guy to a pulp and yet he's the sociopath?
    Resist the misguided urge to beat someone "for their own good" or dishing out your own "justice".

    Stop associating with this guy. It's for his good, but mostly for YOUR own good.

    It's not your place to smash his face in because it would satisfy you or what you believe he somehow "deserves". Violence solves nothing and only begets more violence and more hate.

    As for these other people who suckle on his teat and thereby increase their social rank...so what else is new in the world? That's how power games work. It is their right to suckle at whatever teat for however long they want.

    Live and let live. You go do your own thing and find your own path. It is no longer with this crowd.
     
  13. konrad109

    konrad109 New Member

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    Just cause I wanna beat him to a pulp doesn't make me a sociopath. If I were to pick on him for no reason than to enjoy myself, that would make me a sociopath. I'm not doing anything for his good either, its for my own. The guy consistently tries to humiliate and put people down within the group. People don't stand up to him because he has a way of singeling his targets out where they feel like the whole group is against them. Its been done against me and I've seen him do it against other people in the group. Its a tiresome game I feel its ruining my friendships. I don't see why I should lay down and be the one to leave.

    You're right though, people have the right to suck on any teet they want, but thats not really whats bothering me. If he was really an alpha with an interest in the people in the group I would have no problem with him being leader. Instead he puts people down within the group and tries to play them against each other to make himself look better to outgroups. How can this possibly be right?
     
  14. miniml

    miniml New Member

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    i think you have a severe inferiority complex. you really should go to a shrink, but if youre like me, you probably hate shrinks.
     
  15. konrad109

    konrad109 New Member

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    I definetley feel small, thx to my parents and some of my "friends." I'm tired of feeling small and plan on standing up for myself. I've been going to a therapist for 3 years and I do like the guy. Hes like the grandpa I never had. While he certainly doesn't condone violence, he agrees that I have a difficult situation with my friends and need to do "something" about it. Though like johan, he says I should not spend much time with my old group anymore.

    Thats prolly the best thing to do. I definetley reduced the amount of time I spend with em, especially when this guy is going to be involved. Its definetley not a good idea to start a fight over verbal insults. But I don't like being physically intimidated, and I can't think of any other way to stop this guy from doing it. Reasoning and threatening clearly haven't worked.
     
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2006
  16. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    Hmmm. Maybe he does need his ass whipped.
     
  17. Erisu Kimu

    Erisu Kimu New Member

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    Wow man...a lot of those social struggles are like my own. Often times, I also can't stand it when people look at me more than once or stare. It just gets me really going, but I try to keep my cool. Also, I generally dislike people too for the fact that they always seem to ridicule me or prejudge me with their eyes or something. I always get this feeling that I don't belong anywhere in any of these social groups. I'm pretty much a loner who has friends, but I don't even use the term 'friends' anymore, because I think it's used way too loosely. It's more like acquaintances. Everyone just breaks off into their own little circle of friends, while I'm always the one that has to try extra hard just to get a conversation going, and even then, it's not an easy thing. It's like they just change the subject or rather listen to the next person standing beside them. I also always feel like I'm the last person anyone would want to talk to and I mean, when everyone else is out of the room, I'd probably be the last person to approach. People are also pretty passive, so it's like we're just ants that bump into each other while going about our own businesses. I often think 'why even bother?'
     
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2006

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