SRS Something the wife said made me freaking emo as hell v.death

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by heebdawg16, Feb 4, 2009.

  1. heebdawg16

    heebdawg16 New Member

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    The wife and I (we're both in our mid-20's) were talking about death earlier today, and she said something that really made me think hard about it and get pretty upset about later. We were talking about how a friend of ours passed away about a year ago, and how strange it is to think that we know people the same age as us who have died already, from both natural and unnatural causes. Thinking about the fact that I am going to have to face death one day has never really bothered me before, I have the natural curiosity about what it is going to be like to die, I've thought about it many times. It doesn't scare me, I've always been OK talking about it before. I've lost friends and relatives, and while it obviously makes me sad, it was nothing more than a passing feeling.

    However, tonight, the wife said something about how weird it is to think about the two of us growing old together, and more than likely, at some point, one of us is probably going to have to deal with the other one of us declining in health and eventually dying.

    At first, I just agreed with her and kept on with the conversation, but the more I thought about it over the past few hours, I am suddenly feeling incredibly sad and depressed about that statement. Just knowing that some day, one of us is going to lose the other one of us to death really bothers me. We're young, and we've only been married for a little over a year, and normally it just feels like we have all the time in the world together. But now, I can't shake this feeling that it is a certainty that our time together is limited, and nothing we do can change that. If I am the one who declines in health and dies, it depresses me to think that I will leave her behind, alone and unable to be there for her when she needs me to. If she is the one who dies first, I can't even imagine being able to handle the remainder of my life without her in it.

    I know some of you are going to read this and think to yourselves that it is pathetic for a 20-something who still hasn't come to terms with the fact that life must come to an end eventually, but I assure you that I have come to terms with this many years ago. I'm just having an incredibly hard time coming to terms with it today, knowing that some day it is going to come between my wife and I.

    Just throwing this out there to see what you guys think about this, and whether or not I am the only married person who has never really sat down and come to terms with this before.
     
  2. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    It'll only really matter to you if she goes first.











    Sorry, but dwelling on this kind of stuff is useless. Some day you'll die. Some day she'll die. That's just how it goes. Hug her, open a bottle of wine, tell her how you feel, and then shag her on the living room floor. You'll feel better.
     
  3. T-R-T

    T-R-T New Member

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    .


    Plus, the odds are 3:2 that you're gonna get a divorce anyway.
     
  4. heebdawg16

    heebdawg16 New Member

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    Yeah, I know it is pretty useless to dwell on something that is inevitable and completely out of my control, but it just kind of caught me off guard because I never really thought about it that way. And it wont just affect me if she goes first. The thing that made me the most emo was the thought of one of us watching the other one slowly pass, from a disease or sickness or general decline in health, as opposed to something instant (like a car crash or a heart attack or something). I can't even imagine what it must be like to sit there for a period of time knowing that the end is only days/weeks away for the person you love and care about most on the planet.

    Makes me think of my parents best friends, they were the nicest, happiest people you could ever meet. Lovely kids, lovely family in general. Both in their mid 40's. Happy and healthy as could be, until out of the blue, the wife started having an issue or two one day and was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Went from 100% healthy to passing away in just 5 months, never had a chance. I can't even imagine what that must have been like for her husband and her three kids.
     
  5. heebdawg16

    heebdawg16 New Member

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    There are many if's, and's, and but's, but neither of us use that form of thinking, I think that kind of attitude is one of the big problems behind the high divorce rate.

    We have discussed it many times before, and agree. So many people go into their marriages thinking "its ok, if it doesnt work out, we can just get a divorce and thats that". I think that mental state is the main issue. You can't look at divorce as a possibility if you want any chance of having a successful marriage. You have to get yourself in the mindset that divorce is NOT an option, we both agreed on that prior to getting married, well, to that train of thought atleast.

    Sure, there is still always a chance it could happen, im sure it would in the case of infidelity or some other major, irreversible issue that occurred. But as it stands, it definitely helps to go into any argument or to face any issue with the thought in your head that divorce is not even in the cards as a possible outcome of the fight. If you have a big issue, you do whats necessary to solve it, you learn to compromise when you have to.
     
  6. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    I prefer to be aware of the facts. I don't see myself as unique or special. Science is leading us down a path that may result in ending "Life and Death" as we know it.

    I hear it all the time "Death is inevitable" -- so were a lot of things through out history. Doesn't mean it's true just because someone says so.

    Also, death to me is no different than prior to birth. I expect the same result, same place, same experience (Or lack-of), I don't require some fanciful myth or hope that it'll be anything other than what it likely will be.

    Life is precious (in my opinion), we are a spark of consciousness upon the universe, sharing a unique experience together, with an ability to know we are one process.

    Skip the philosophy lesson and the practical experience is clear. You're not dead"now", she's not dead "Now" -- the present is all you'll ever have, so if I were you, I'd cross all those bridges when I get to them.
     
  7. deleterious

    deleterious OT Supporter

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    oh and sorry to say you're not guarenteed to make it that long. sad truth is you might be driving on the highway somewhere and both be involved in a wreck that kills you. just live it up
     
  8. heebdawg16

    heebdawg16 New Member

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    Exactly, it could end at any time. I dont know. It was just a thought I was having last night, I'm feeling much better from it now. It was really just something about the way she said it, just came out in a way that I had never thought about before.


    And I agree, the only thing I can do about it is live in the present and make the best of the time we have, and I intend to do that. The million other variables that come into play (sudden death, divorce, etc) are things that will come as they may, and I'm OK with that.
     
  9. Redneck Shinobi

    Redneck Shinobi Well Jules, the funny thing about my back is that

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    I get incredibly sad when I think about my mother or step father passing. I just try to push those thoughts out of my mind as soon as they come in, as others have said, there is no point dwelling in it. Life will come to you and unfortunately death, it's something we all have to face, but we should focus on life while we can. This just shows how much you actually care about her, since I've never thought about that with my gf.
     
  10. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Everything is temporary. We're here like sparks and stars, burning out as merely a flicker in an instant in this large universe. That's all, period. Take those facts and live each day as though it never happened. Make your choices for the sake of passion. Your relationship, like everything else, will be relegated to history eventually.

    This reminds me of a song. It's a little off-topic since it's about money vs. what really matters, but still....

    She told him she'd rather fix her make-up,
    Then to fix what's going on
    But the problem keeps on calling even with the cell phone off.
    She told him that she believes in living, bigger than she's living now
    But her world keeps spinning backwards and upside down.

    Don't say so long
    You're not that far gone
    Today could be your big chance to make up
    Because today will soon be gone.

    Gone, like history is gone
    Like Saturday is Gone
    Just try and prove me wrong
    And you live like you're immortal.

    Gone, like Frank Sinatra,
    Like Elvis and his Mom
    Like Al Pacino's Cash
    Nothing lasts in this life.
    My highschool dreams are gone
    My childhood sweets are gone
    Life is a day, that doesn't last for long.

    Time is more than money
    Time was never money
    Time was never cash
    Life is still more than girls
    Life is more than hundred dollar bills
    All the riches of kings end up in wills
     
  11. chica&buddies

    chica&buddies Active Member

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    :hs:

    yup... i've thought about this before as well, and i'm single. :rofl: i think that makes me a little more emo than you ;)

    i just try to keep in mind one of my favorite quotes:

    "everything that has a beginning has an ending. make your peace with that and all will be well."
    --- buddha
     
  12. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

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    No point in dwelling on this everyone dies at some point :dunno: You both should write up a will though for how to distribute your possessions/money and how you want to be buried. I still need to do this I don't want any arguments after my death about who gets what, etc it would only be fair to your wife and vice versa :hs:
     
  13. Daria

    Daria New Member

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    To the threadstarter, I completely understand what you're going through, but I am also the same age as you. I just wanted to let you know that I sympathize with your feelings. At 13, I discovered that my mother had Hepatitis C and the doctors said she had about 5 years to live. I was completely devastated and did not know if I could go on without my mother. Now that I am older and living on my own, I feel that it's something that will still devastate me, but that I can survive and provide for myself, and I have others around me who love me that can help me through it. She is still alive 11 years since then, so I still think about this.

    However, a few years ago I started dating a long-time friend and discovered that I care for this person very deeply. I was aware, going into the relationship, that this person had health issues, and I do as well. When I decided that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this person, the thought of losing him somwhere along the way was unimaginable.

    At first, I could hardly bear the thought and for months I was having nightmares about losing him, and spending my days thinking of nothing else. Eventually, I realized that what is going to happen, will happen. All I can do is encourage him to exercise and make healthy meals together, to keep the both of us in the best health possible. All we can do is our best.

    If this is the first time you have been seriously affected by the thoughts of death of someone you love, it will be huge emotional shock and I believe it's a normal reaction. My suggestion to you is that the more you think about it, the more you will learn how to cope with it. However, take a break from those thoughts once in awhile and try not to think about them. Try instead to appreciate and spend the best and most possible time with the person / people that you love.
     
  14. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    I did this. :eek3:
     
  15. bimmer318

    bimmer318 I'm out of applesauce

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    Maybe you should have waited longer till you got married? :)

    That's my take on it, really... Do you feel this way because you're already married and can see your wife and yourself as old people when you look in the mirror?
     
  16. northw3st

    northw3st New Member

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    i wouldn't think about it if i were you. it's one of those ignorance is bliss deals. i have thought about that sort of thing too, and i've decided i am wasting my days thinking about death.
     

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