Ok. this is hard to explain. This is not another "hatem all" thread, that was another phase of my life. First off I've been diagnozed with schizophrenia, and all that I'm about to type can be explained easily by myself, but I feel so lost I have to write something to somebody. I've been on anti psychotics for about 1 year or so, and everything went fine, a month back I started with abilify, and it went fine, but then a week ago shit went to hell. I've always been a loner, I like to be by myself most of the time, why? I don't know. A week ago my psychiatrist told me that generally if there's no progress, they'll kick me out because others are waiting. The psychiatrist office is run on tax money, so I don't pay anything except medication. This scared me shitless, if I lost him, I would die. I would have nobody who understands me, but on the other hand I feel like I'm not making any progress. Lately I've been losing myself bigtime. I usually wake up sweating in my sleep, lying on the bed the other way around with my head where my feet should be. I dream about a big block of concrete falling over me. I wake up catching my breath, almost in tears. Something is not right with the world, our dog freaks me out. I'm playing the piano, home alone, and suddenly it starts barking at windows, then suddenly it barks inside the house at walls, I look at the wall and there's nothing there. I get scared shitless so I take the dog out for a walk. I'm lying on the sofa just taking a rest when suddenly I hear a whisper in my ear, I turn around and nothings there. I get scared again. 6 years ago I was in Spain, and everyone was out while I was having a rest in my bed, suddenly I hear a distant sound, sort of a mix of a woman screaming and a metallic scream, like a robot screaming. I find out that if I don't move my head, it comes closer, and if I move my head it goes farther away. So I lie completely still, wanting it to come very close, and it does. I lie there for awhile, with my head tilted to the side not being able to see in the direction the sound is coming from. I'm not scared. Suddenly it goes farther and farther away, and I lose control over it with my mind like I had before. I get up from the bed, and just as the sound abruptly stops, the lights in the WHOLE complex goes out. I start to cry and run out the door. Fast forward to 3 days ago. I'm walking to the store, and like usual I get anxiety, chest pains and dizziness. I start to think that I'm going to be paralyzed, I hate that thought. I get physically ill, I sense tears in my eyes, I start to cough wildly, and my stomach feels bad. I run into a bush by the road and puke all over it. Sometimes I think I can control the weather, and that I'm a chosen one for some great mission I don't know what is. I used to think my gift was intelligence and finding out what the universe was, but now I know the universe is never going to be solved and gave up on that thought. Plus there are much smarter people than me out there. Regardless, the bottom line I feel like I'm in a dream, I feel like aliens are after me, like monsters and demons exist, like everything I ever thought I knew to be untrue, is true. It feels like I'm a child again, a 5 year old boy who's just seen a horror movie and everything is real. I feel like I'm wallowing in my own head and thoughts, like the world is a magical place, and that all eyes are pointed towards me. I feel so lost, I have no idea where I am or where I'm heading and sometimes I wish for the peaceful consolation that is death.