A&P Something I wrote...

Discussion in 'Lifestyle' started by Aiden26, Dec 18, 2009.

  1. Aiden26

    Aiden26 New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2008
    Messages:
    41
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    CT
    Just looking for thoughts and opinions on this.
    I just wrote it, still somewhat rough, but just wondering what you all thought.
    Thanks in advance to anyone who takes the time to read and tell me what they thought!

    “Sunset”


    I admire the beauty
    As I watch it slowly fade
    Knowing a cruel fate
    Is all that awaits

    It runs its course
    Nothing can stop it now
    I shout one last plea
    ‘Please, dont leave me’

    I sit and I stare
    Wishing that you cared
    I start to weep
    As I prepare for the leap

    A few moments more
    And it will all be gone
    I ponder to myself
    “Is this really happening”
    As I watch it slowly fade away
     
  2. HighTachPres

    HighTachPres New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2004
    Messages:
    11,712
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Greenville, SC
    well this is certainly new to OTAP

    Reads well to me :)
    I keep wondering what's so bad about the sun going away? Is that the conflict?
     
  3. Aiden26

    Aiden26 New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2008
    Messages:
    41
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    CT
    Its actually dual meaning to losing a loved one.
    I had nowhere to post it, and I really wanted to hear some thoughts on it because I have never written anything before.
    I suppose emotional turmoil causes us to do funny things.


    If anyone is interested in the back story behind this, I will elaborate.
    The sunset is actually referring to my first anniversary with my would be fiance. I took her to a mountain top and watched the sunset with her. It also symbolizes the collapse or ending of a relationship.
    Now, she is walking away from the relationship, and as she does, even though all options have been attempted, all you can do is sit back and watch it go.

    After reading that little bit, does it still read well? Does it add to the piece at all?
     
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2009
  4. johan

    johan Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2003
    Messages:
    5,123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sahasrara; magnetic violet infinite
    Nicely written. I read it, and wondered...is the night, really so terrible.
     
  5. Aiden26

    Aiden26 New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2008
    Messages:
    41
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    CT
    Thank you for the comment!
    I updated my last post to reveal some of the meaning behind it. :]
     
  6. The Cable Guy

    The Cable Guy New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 10, 2006
    Messages:
    16,075
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Rowland Heights, CA
    Sounds suicidal.
     
  7. yexy

    yexy New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 8, 2008
    Messages:
    2,110
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Saskatchewan, Canada
    Reads a helluva lot better than my first writing attempt, but yeah, it sounds a bit like you're about to jump off a building.
     
  8. Aiden26

    Aiden26 New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2008
    Messages:
    41
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    CT
    Well, I figured it helps convey the pain of this whole thing. It's not like after a serious breakup its not a normal thing to think about... this is just a writing piece.
     
    Last edited: Dec 20, 2009
  9. johan

    johan Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2003
    Messages:
    5,123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sahasrara; magnetic violet infinite
    You should try the Asylum.
     

Share This Page