13 Step program for recovering Soldier. Soldier's Anonymous 1. I am a Soldier, I have a problem. This is the first step to recovery... 2. Speech: -Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred, it is not 0530 or 1400 it is 5:30 in the morning (AKA God-awful early). -Words like deck, rack, and "PT" will get you weird looks; floor, bed, work out, get used to it. -"F *ck" cannot be used to replace whatever word you can't think of right now, try "um". -Grunting is not talking. -It's a phone, not a radio, conversations on a phone do not end in "out" -People will not know what you are talking about if you tell them you are coming from Camp Lejeune with the MWSS platoon or that you spent a deployment in the OCAC 3. Style: -Do not put creases in your jeans. -Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts. -A horseshoe cut looks dumb, not motivating. -A high and tight looks really dumb as well. -So does a low reg, but not as bad. -A hat indoors does not make you a bad person, it makes you like the rest of the world. -you do not have to wear a belt ALL the time. 4. Women: -Air Force girls are easy, very easy, not all women are this easy and will probably punch you in the nuts if you treat them like Air Force girls. -Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal, neither are 6 month marriages, even if it is your first. -Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make "financial sense", it makes you a retard. 5. Personal accomplishments: -In the real world, being able to do pushups will not make you good at your job. -Most people will be slightly disturbed by you if you tell them about people you have killed or seen die. -How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment. -The time you got really drunk and passed the sobriety test anyway is also not a personal accomplishment. 6. Drinking: -In the real world, being drunk before 5pm will get you an intervention, not a "good for you" -That time you drank a 5th of Jaeger and pissed in your closet is not a conversation starter. -That time you went to the combat medic school and practiced giving vodka iv's will also not be a good conversation starter 7. Bodily functions: -Farting on your co-workers and then giggling while you run away may be viewed as "unprofessional". -The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny no matter how big it was, how much it burned, or how much it smelled. -You can't make fun of someone for being sick, no matter how funny it is -VD will also not be funny 8. The human body: -Most people will not want to hear about your balls. Odd as that may seem, it's true. 9. Spending habits: -One day, you will have to pay bills -Buying a $30, 000 car on a $16, 000 a year salary is a really bad idea. -Spending money on video games instead of on diapers makes you a fool. -One day you will need health insurance 10. Interacting with civilians (AKA YOU): -Making fun of your neighbor to his face for being fat will not be normal. 11. Real jobs: -They really can fire you. -On the flip side you really can quit. -Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal, remember they really can quit too. -Taking naps at work will not be acceptable. -Remember 9-5 not 0530 to 1800 12. The Law: -Non-judicial punishment does not exist and will not save you from prison. -Your workplace unlike your command can't save you and probably won't, in fact most likely you will fired about 5 minutes after they find out you've been arrested -Even McDonalds does background checks, and "conviction" isn't going to help you get the job -Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you really arrested, not yelled at Monday morning before they ask you if you won. 13. General knowledge: -You can in fact really say what you think about the President in public. -Pain is not weakness leaving the body, it's just pain. -They won't wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important then you are, be polite. -Read the contracts before you sign them, remember what happened the first time.