SO with friends with x's a prob?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by keelay, Jul 29, 2008.

  1. keelay

    keelay New Member

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    my fiance just got a job offer back in the town she is from. the problem is that she grew up there and has mostly guy friends. whom she has slept with most. on top of that most of them do/sell drugs.
    am i out of the way by requesting that if we move there she not hang around them that much? these are the kinda guys that are like most, manipulative, and shit talking (about me, etc... we've all done it).
    i am just very uncomfortable with her being aroung these guys, even though they grew up together. i dont want to be around a buch of dudes that have fucked my wife.
    and im trying to get custody of my daughter, and i dont want a reputation of my house being frequented my drug addicts/ dealers.
    am i wrong, or do i need to let the past go?
     
  2. Offender

    Offender OT Supporter

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    seems reasonable and responsible. is your wife making you second guess this, downplaying it like it's not a big deal?
     
  3. no lol today

    no lol today Soy la bailarina de la muerta. OT Supporter

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    Do. Not. Send. Her. On. A. Guilt. Trip. It will rip your relationship apart from the inside out & eliminate trust between you. Tell her you want to have a talk about feelings. Make it sound as gay as possible so you sound as sincere as you can manage. It's a serious fucking topic that can't be taken lightly. So don't. Just don't point fingers like she's already planning to do bad shit or the discussion will become a hell of an argument.

    Unless she actually crosses the line, trust the hell out of her. Be sure to let her know that trust is there. Keep your relationship happy. You can't control a person & remain happy. It will eat you up.
     
  4. keelay

    keelay New Member

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    she says "we all been friends forever". i can understand that, and i do trust her, i just dont trust her friends....
    and we already kinda started that argument, an your right, its a hell of an argument.... im still waiting for her to come home
     
  5. AutoEuphoria

    AutoEuphoria New Member

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    It is unreasonable to tell her not to hang out with anyone, but lay down the ground rules as far as what you will and will not accept. Since you're not married right now, you still have a very easy exit. If it's after the wedding, it'll be harder, but still...if she cheats the marriage is pretty much over anyways. The saying I always go by is:

    Hang out with whoever you want, but keep it to friendship only. You will know when it has crossed from friends to something more if they start saying or doing things they wouldn't say if I were standing there next to you.

    I don't think that's unreasonable...you're giving her the choice to do whatever she wants, but letting her know that if she decides to cross the line from friends to anything more you won't put up with it. She has the right to hang out with whoever she wants, but you still have the right to leave her if she fucks up and you don't want to deal with it. Let her know that she can do whatever she wants, but she will have to deal with the consequences of making a decision that you will not put up with. I've told this to my girlfriend before, and things got much better...we were going through a rough time when she was hanging around guys that constantly hit on her, asked her to cheat on me with them, etc. She wouldn't say anything to them to make them stop, but she would come home and tell me what they said. It got really annoying, and I ended up telling her that I wouldn't deal with her inaction anymore...if she had respect for me and our relationship she would tell these guys to stop talking like that or she would end the friendship. She ended up cutting a lot of guys out of her life because they wouldn't stop, and she didn't want to risk losing me...but again, it was her choice to do that, not mine. I just told her I wouldn't put up with that kind of thing anymore, which was perfectly within my rights to say/do
     
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2008
  6. dan7532

    dan7532 New Member

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    This is a tough one. I'd say if they were platonic friends ... yeah, I wouldn't want drug dealers around either, but you can't pick her friends for her. The kicker is, she's slept with all of them. I think it is common courtesy that, if you are in a relationship, you should cut off ties to past relationships/hook-ups out of respect for your SO. How do other people feel on this?

    I've been in that same situation too, and each time I've left the girl and told her if I actually mattered to her, she would tell other guys "you already know I have a boyfriend, I'd appreciate it if you'd stop hitting on me." Usually they allow it to happen because 1) Their interest level in you is not very high or 2) they are insecure and like the attention. Either way, I'm outta there!
     
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2008
  7. Elphaba

    Elphaba New Member

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    They're radioactive? :noes: I'd keep her away from them then!!

    Sorry, I know what you meant, it just made me lol.

    As for a serious response...I'd go at it from the "drug dealer/bad person" aspect rather than the "they're youre ex's" aspect. I mean, if they wherent her exs and still bad people you wouldnt want her (or your kid) around them anyway, and I'm sure if they werent drug dealers/bad people but still her exs you wouldnt have as much of a problem with it, right? That sounds much more reasonable than taking a hard line on "no being friends with exs"
     
  8. Chuck

    Chuck New Member

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    Don't give her restrictions, give her the freedom to do what she wants. If she chooses to cheat on you, then you know what kind of person she is and you know you don't need to marry her.
     
  9. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Classy....

    Telling an SO who they can and can't be friends with =
    [​IMG]
     
  10. Vysion

    Vysion New Member

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    This whole situation sounds really bad for the TS.
     
  11. k1ko

    k1ko OT Supporter

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    "if you lie with dogs, you get fleas"
     
  12. CorpseStreet

    CorpseStreet New Member

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    I personally would prefer for my SO not to hang out with people like that. I believe that your friends reflect you and those aren't exactly the greatest of friends. Besides, you mentioned that you want custody of your daughter. You really don't want to risk something like that ruining your chances. If you do get your daughter you also night not want drug dealers hanging around. It's not right to choose some one's friends for them but I think this is a case where you should tell your SO you would really prefer that she not hang out with those kinds of people. On another note, she slept with them. In my opinion that isn't the kind of thing you ever really put behind you.
     
  13. fishjie

    fishjie New Member

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    to repeat what i said in the other thread, guys don't have female friends. 99% of the time, they want to fuck them. that's the truth plain and simple, anyone who pretends otherwise is lying to themselves.
     
  14. Mugen92GS-R

    Mugen92GS-R New Member

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    My girlfriend has a bunch of guys friends that she's slept with / been together with in the past. Hell, some of the times when we're at the same place, theres been 4 guys plus me in the same room that have banged her. At first it was somewhat awkward, but thats shit she's done in the past and I'm not going to hold it against her.

    By the same token, I probably wouldn't be ok with her hanging out one-on-one with most of them (with one of her better friends being the exception). If she were to start hanging out with ANY guy one-on-one for any significant amount of time, THEN I'd have a talk with her, but in a group situation I'm not too worried. Most of these guys / people have known her for YEARS. I've known her for 5 months. Who am I to say whether or not they're good people?

    Truth is, don't control your SO. Like someone said, I'd rather let a girl CHOOSE to cheat on me so I could move on, then FORCE her in to cheating on me by being over controlling.

    However, It's FULLY in your right to let her know you don't feel comfortable with the situation, and honestly... it's a reasonable request.
     
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2008
  15. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Yeah, SOs being friends with their exes is usually an issue.

    Exes are only friend because one of them still wants to get back together or still wants sex, and the other one keeps them around because they like the attention.

    Neither of those are positions you want your SO in (ie. you don't want them still pining over their ex and you don't want them being an attention whore).

    So yeah it's a deal breaker in 99.9% of cases.

    I don't still talk to exes for the aforementioned reasons and I expect the same from my SO.
     
  16. fishjie

    fishjie New Member

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    nail has been hit on the head
     
  17. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    you cant tell her what to do, but you can tell her how you feel about the situation. i would focus on the drug dealers and you wanting to have your daughter, and how that doesnt mesh well together. hopefully your fiance will be smart and make a good choice. if not, then its better to find out before the wedding that she doesnt take you or your daughter into consideration when she makes decisions
     
  18. Joybang

    Joybang New Member

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    Where did he say he was going to tell her what to do? He's clearly asking for advice here and you post something I'd expect from the OT forum.

    I think he has a legitimate concern, though more so from the fact these people are mostly all scumbags.
     
  19. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Thanks.

    iwishyouwerebeer, it's not an issue of telling them who they can and can't be friends with. But if they want to be friends with them, it's a massive red flag.

    I wouldn't tell my gf who she can and can't be friends with, but she most likely wouldn't be my gf if she wanted to be friends/hang out with her ex(es).

    Of course I'm talking about a serious relationship here. I know some people don't care cuz they're fucking like 5 people at the same time. You know what I mean.
     
  20. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    I'm saying the entire situation in general has fail written all over it. It sounds like a nightmare!

    and when he wrote this
    just because he asks us and uses the word "request" doesn't mean he's still thinking of doing anything less than still telling her who she should not stay friends with. This is obviously not the typical "my gf has guy friends and I'm jealous!" this is a whole other degree...but if he can seriously lay out how he feels about those guys and how he feels about her with them and she can just blow it off then he might need to put his foot down in other ways or rethink their situation.

    I agree this is a disaster and for his young daughter's sake I can't understand how on Earth them moving back to a place where his wife/gf will want to hang around drug dealers that she used to fuck...but really, shouldn't this make him re-evaluate who he is with? Her decision-making it selfish and awful.
     
  21. Joybang

    Joybang New Member

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    Ah k, I think I missed him saying that. :greddy:

    And you;re correct, the whole situation sounds like crap. If she hasn't moved on from hanging around these types of people then IDK, a definite reevaluation is in order, especially if a small child will be in the picture.
     

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