SRS So... uh... what now?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by slikna, Apr 17, 2008.

  1. slikna

    slikna Grenade

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    Basically I am going to start this long story about how I am where I am today... and start it from the beginning.

    I was a horrible kid. Ask anyone who knew me strictly from outside my home and I was an angel, nicest kid they knew, but at home I was a fucking devil. As far back as I can remember is about when my sister was born. I was maybe 5, and I can remember doing shit to her when she was a baby to get attention. This basically progressed in later years and I did the same stuff.

    Forward to what I can fully remember which is I would say from about 8+, mom worked from home and dad was gone most the day. Basically on a regular basis I would do some shit to either my sister or my mom in order to get a rise out of them. I dont really know if I just enjoyed fighting or what it was, but I would basically just start some shit. My mom would then give me some kind of punishment and I would sit and scream and yell and sometimes it would escalate to physical contact untill she would either give in and remove the punishment or my dad came home and either hit me or what ever. Basically once he was home I was too scared to do anything and just accepted the punishment untill the next day when he was gone and I could scream and fight again in an attempt to reduce the punishment. I would say I spent a good 5 years grounded if I had to count haha. Anyways sadly and ashamedly to say this kept up untill probably the age of 15 or 16...

    Finally I pretty much realized that me leaving my room and socializing with my family would lead to me having some sort of urge to start shit for some reason, and I would get in trouble. Eventually I learned that if I just stayed in my room I would not be in trouble, likewise if I just left the house. Flash forward to today, and I barely talk to either of my parents (mostly dad) or my sister even though we all live in the same house, rarely leave my room other than to leave the house or to eat or something. I feel like I am not even part of this family even though I know my parents both love me and want me to talk to them. I guess I am so ashamed of what I did and I know it really fucked with my mom and made her day more stressful that I dont want to face them. I have turned into a better person now, I dont do any of that shit I used to do but now I have the problem of being secluded. I am really distant from my father which I link to his being the enforcer of the punishments and me always linking him to bad and pain... and I am not really close to my mom probably from being so ashamed. My sister I dont really like because we have never gotten along and she is really a bitch.

    I feel like I cant change anything about this situation and I will probably be moving out soon, coupled with the fact that my parents are only getting older and my time with them is limited... I really just dont know what to do about this...
     
  2. BTCollins

    BTCollins I met a gypsy and she hipped me to some life game

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    I know how you feel, it's hard sometimes to change your ways that you go about things. Just keep in mind that this is your family, these are the loved ones in you life that will be there through the thick and thin. Does your sister talk to them a lot?
     
  3. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    Lack of attention.

    Basically what you experienced isn't so uncommon , when you are a kid you need attention, when a new baby is born the attention shifts from the oldest to the youngest. Basically a form of selfishness manifests(understandably)

    What you basically did was yell for attention , for years actually.

    What you builded up in those years were layers of anger(due to the lack of attention) Emotionally this is blocking your aura even up till today.

    The third chakra gets out of balance, which results into a passive lifestyle and feelings of shame. You don't have to believe all that chakra mumbo jumbo, and questioning more like what now. Well , what you need is emotional restoration. And understanding a few things first, your sister is not a bitch, and your father is not an abusive asshole who gives you pain by hitting you, your mom is not the symbol of shame.

    Recognize the domino effect.

    Lack of attention->hate towards family->fighting with them = bad family relationship.

    The solution.

    Investment of attention->Love towards family->Bonding with them = good family relationship.

    The MOST essensial understanding is that you need to make a continues investment of love,giving attention and helping them out ,towards them, this will give you the love and attention you seek in return.

    Start slowly, you don't have to say anything , start helping out your mom. Do the dishes for her, talk about the weather, vacuum clean the house, help her with doing the croceries. Then goto your dad, ask him if you can help him with anything, if he ask for a reason , just say your bored or something,and your father will know enough, trust me on that. And as last go up to your sister and apologize for your asshole behaviour in the past. Even if she reacts negative, keep trying. She's probably the most difficult one to convert because of all the years of hate that you put into your life. (although it was a normal reaction from your side and your not to blame, it is a domino effect ,result due to the years of bullying).

    And then stepping over your issue of lack of attention and moving on with your loved ones as one happy family. :)
     
  4. Hellcat

    Hellcat New Member

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    what exactly do you mean by "start shit" with your sister? hit her? abuse her? fight with her?

    did your dad excessively punish you/abuse you? if not, i don't see why you blame him.

    as for the solution, i agree with darketernal. it will be a slow process, but you can definitely attempt to make moves towards re-developing relationships with your family members. you dont' have to accept seclusion as a permanent punishment for your previous behavior. because you've noted that you are remorseful, that's already a good step towards mending things.
     
  5. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    If you don't feel comfortable telling them how you feel in person then you could always write them a letter/email instead. You can change the situation but it will require some work on your part and you'll have to man up and admit that you messed up in the past.
     
  6. slikna

    slikna Grenade

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    By start shit I meant basically call her a name, maybe flick water on her, throw a piece of paper at her... anything to get her mad. My dad didnt do anything to me unless I did something wrong first. The most extreme case is he threw me on my bed and ended up breaking my arm on the wooden part of it due to the way I landed when I was like 8. Most of the time it wasnt anything I didnt deserve though. Its not that I blame him so much as I just associate him with pain and anger since thats what was displayed by him most the time.

    Also my dad is pretty much like a real life version of an OT elitest. He is always right no matter the circumstances, and his way is always best. Also he pretty much expects you to know how to do everything the first time, pretty much just a hard person to get along with which makes it even worse.
     

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