SRS So this is where OT goes for advice?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by SaMMy SiZZLe, Feb 24, 2008.

  1. SaMMy SiZZLe

    SaMMy SiZZLe New Member

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    Maybe you guys can help me out.

    I've been with my bf for a little over a year. When I met him I was a few months out of a previous relationship that was TERRIBLE. Needless to say I didn't really want a serious relationship. It turned into that anyway and I'm pretty happy with it.

    A few months ago I told him I loved him and I got "I know you do." I hated that. I got that answer EVERY TIME for months until my birthday back in december when I basically flipped out and told him how much I can't stand it.

    NOW..if I tell him I don't get any response. I know he cares for me but I don't understand why he won't tell me he loves me. It's not like he's had a problem in the past expressing that because I know he's told his ex, and that's pretty much what makes it so hard.

    To top it all off he's decided he's gonna go back to school for a new major in arizona for a year and if he can't tell me how he feels now it's not gonna be any easier when he leaves.

    I've confronted him about it but in the past he's just told me "i wanna be sure" and eventually I stopped asking him.

    I'm happy with him but this is always in the back of my mind. I just don't understand. I know he cares and it's been more than a year. What could the problem be ?

    iballthatshitbyyou
     
  2. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    He will say it when he is ready to say it.

    Would you rather he say it and not mean it?

    In the meantime, you obviously know he cares about you, look at his actions. He has been with you for a year and it is still going strong.

    Don't push him on it.
     
  3. 04JETTA

    04JETTA OT Supporter

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    .
     
  4. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    We'll try.

    Alright, so he ignored a red flag. I don't date girls who just got out of difficult relationships. I take my time.

    That's funny because that's exactly what I've been telling my girlfriend for the past couple months when she says it to me.

    Because he's not ready to. Why would you want to force something like that? Don't you know that this type of thinking will kill a relationship from the inside out?

    You're trying to cross bridges before you get to them. Why does everyone want a guarantee? Why can't you simply enjoy what you have now while you have it? You'll never have anything but right this moment, it all begins and ends here, there is nothing else, don't you know that? The past is history and tomorrow is a mystery, you have no idea what is going to happen. You're looking for a bridge you can't burn down all the while holding a match!

    That sounds like the problem, you need to get your head out of the future and into the present and appreciate "right now."

    *shakeshead*. The more you fear something the more likely you'll create it. There is nothing more divisive than someone expecting you to promise and force what love itself never would.

    You're doing it right now. That's the problem.

    Let's revisit something you said earlier:

    My girlfriend has told me she loves me, and I never said it. She never hassled me, she never questioned me, she never confronted me. I was surprised about this, because other women have given me a hard time about it. One day I told her "You know I really like how you just know what I need, and where I am. It's like you have this confidence and just know that I'm working through a process and I'll arrive in my own time."

    You know what she said to me? She said "What would be the point? I know how you feel, I know you'll do or say what you need to when you're ready and even if you don't, you're with me right now not some other girl. Your actions speak louder than words. The words will come.........when you're ready."

    She understands what you don't. Today is all you'll ever have, and everything and everyone is going through a process. We all lose, we all grieve, everything fails. Relationships are no different. She just "let's it be." That's where true joy comes from.
     
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2008
  5. Punky72

    Punky72 New Member

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    Question is, are you afraid to be alone? Personally after a relationship ends for me I am completely happy alone and just date. If you were not ready for anything serious yet then how did it get serious? I just don't understand this concept. Maybe it's a confidence thing, which I have a lot of.

    No offense but this sounds somewhat "clingy". If you love the man then you would have no problem letting him express his true feelings (when and IF HE is ready). Why in God's green earth would you flip out when someone is being HONEST about their feelings??? See, my bf has told me he loved me very deeply (in fact he was first to say it) however, if he never told me that again I would KNOW it because his actions show me how much he loves me...words don't mean anything unless you have the actions to back them up. Sadly too many women get tied up in the whole "I just want him to say it" thing..again a concept I do not understand.

    What the heck did you expect him to do. You flipped out on him, he probably feels as if he can't say anything honestly without being wrong in your eye's or without consequence. I actually admire him for not saying anything at all...He's honest, holy shit do you not even realize how rare of a quality that is in most people (men and women like???)

    "absence makes the heart grow fonder"..why is the words soo important to hear? If not for your own self satisfaction? Even if he "lied" (which come on if he said it right this minute would you believe it...I wouldn't since it would be forced) how does that guarantee anything??? Again they are just words.

    Honesty...why do people want to be lied to? Please for the love of God be HONEST with me...I would be pissed off and completely insulted if someone told me something only because they thought I WANTED to ear it.

    Why are you lying to yourself...if you were truly "happy" with him this would not be a problem at all.

    Look, I am not trying to be harsh, just honest. The true problem is you have no self confidence and you "need" him to build this up for you. If you continue to think and act this way, you are going to drive him away. Be happy with what you have right now and give the guy some space and let him know you don't want him to be dishonest with you. Seriously, if you TRULY love him then you will be willing to wait for him to express himself when HE is ready.

    I have no idea what the future holds for my bf and I, all I do know is that I am COMPLETELY happy with what we have right now. If things do not work out in the future, well, then he will lose the best thing that has ever happened to him and some other man will benefit from what I have to offer when I am ready to give it out again. Don't be mistaken here this is not conceit but it is confidence in myself!!!! This is something you have to develop confidence, love, and respect for YOURSELF. If you can not feel this way toward yourself how in the world can you expect this from anyone else?
     
  6. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    I don't know... if he didn't know after AN ENTIRE YEAR if he loved me or not, I'd hit the door. :dunno:

    Just me though.
     
  7. Arclight

    Arclight Hypercube

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    Threadstarter, you do realize that by pressuring him into saying it you're merely cheapening it when he does say it? How will you know if he says it because that's what he really feels, or if he's just saying it to make you stop bothering him about it?
     
  8. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    Absolutely. But what are the chances that he's actually going to say it :dunno: At this point, I'm gonna go with, not very good.

    I'm sorry OP- but maybe its time to reevaluate this situation. :hs:
     
  9. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    Ask these dooming words "So where are we at baby?"

    you might get the :ugh: response. so dont get mad about that.... men are not hardwired to speak of their feelings
     
  10. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    that depends.

    Is the thread starter a guy or a girl? Username makes me think that it's a guy and that this is a gay relationship. If so, then that changes things a little bit.
     
  11. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    She's a chick. She's got a pic in the pyp thread.
     
  12. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    i guess i assume all relationships are straight relationships by default....
     
  13. RedVsBlue

    RedVsBlue Penguins > *

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    Sounds great. Id much rather never hear those words, than to hear them from someone who doesnt truly mean them. Ive been married for a few years now, and I tell ya what, love isn't an easy thing all the time. There are far to many people out there that throw around the word love like its meaningless. Be happy it means something to him, and understand how much it will mean if he ever does say it.
     

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