So the best response out of me would be...

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by eljefedetonto, Mar 31, 2009.

  1. eljefedetonto

    eljefedetonto OT Supporter

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    Uh, where do I start? I'm not one for typing out these rambling stories, but I didn't feel comfortable turning to anyone else but my beloved Vag crew. :wavey:

    I started talking to this girl on okcupid about two months ago, and after two weeks it seemed like things were going really well so I asked her to get coffee with me (we apparently had a mutual favorite brew stop). It also turned out we had a lot of mutual acquaintances, so that was kind of a bonus.

    Anyway, shortly after I did that, she closes her account and tells me to add her on facebook... and shortly after that, she tells me she's taking a hiatus from dating for a while. I took her at face value and left it at that, since we hadn't been talking too long and hadn't actually done anything together.

    We didn't talk for a few weeks, until she showed up at my usual Thursday bar. It was the first time we'd seen each other in person, but I didn't want to be 'that guy' so I pretended not to notice her. I guess one of my friends has her as a TA, so they were talking and towards closing he comes over and tells me I should talk to her, she's been saying how cute I am, etc.

    So I walk over, tap her on the shoulder, and we get right on talking, hanging out, long after closing. Eventually she asks me if I wanna take a walk-- even though I have shit to do the next morning, I roll the dice and go with her. As far as I know, we're just walking around downtown, until she stops and says "well, this is my apartment." I thought she just had me walk her home until she invited me in. Even then, we end up talking to one of her roommates in the kitchen for an hour until she's like "okay. I'm gonna go downstairs." I figure that's my cue to head home, until she gives me that finger motion like "come on".

    We just hang out in her room, listening to music and talking, it's going nicely. Getting closer, and closer. Once she's spooned up next to me, I decide to tuck her head back and kiss her (this is new for me, usually the girl makes a move at me or nothing happens), and we end up making out/talking for a while. Somehow she brings up stuff about her ex (who she dated when she went on her first "dating hiatus") cheating on her, and asks if I'm leading her on. Of course, I'm not.

    I end up sleeping over until the next morning... when I stumbled through downtown back to my apartment so I can get ready for work :mamoru:

    Things seemed to be running pretty smooth, we kept talking for another couple weeks. But when I tried to get her to hang out (maybe once or twice over two weeks), she'd say she was feeling sick. Maybe she was, I have no idea. I know she's busy with her thesis, too.

    (sit tight, we're finally getting to the end) after those two weeks, spring break rolls around. She's in DC, I'm back home in STL. I send her a facebook message on the first Sunday, and a phone call on Friday. I think there was a text somewhere in the middle that she responded to. She didn't reply to the facebook message until the next Sunday (yesterday, actually), where she told me a little about her trip, asked me about my break, and then wrote this:

    "Look, I feel like I should tell you that I am not really up for dating anyone right now. I wanted to call you and talk to you about it, but I'm wimping out. It sounds retarded, but I think sometimes when you get burned bad it seems easier to lay low for awhile. When I was younger I seemed to bounce from person to person but now I require long periods of solitude between dating people. It sounds stupid, but I really do want to be your friend. I'm just, still, in a weird place. And I have 75 pages of thesis to pound out before May 1. It's doable, but it won't be pretty and I really need to focus on work for a bit.

    Ah, I hate this email. At any rate, I did have fun hanging out and hope we can do it again sometime when I'm more normal."

    (I'm wholly uncomfortable posting that, but there's no name on it, so as long as she's not on OT we're golden)

    I really wasn't sure how to respond. The feeling I had reading that was oddly numb. The one person I asked about it said I shouldn't say anything at all. I was initially tempted to say something like "well, come find me when you think you're ready, and if I'm free, we'll figure something out." I haven't said anything so far.

    I wanted to know how Vag crew would respond/what do you think I should say?

    Oddly enough, I was pretty friendly around the workplace today. Usually something like this has me visibly bogged down.
     
  2. wolfskymoon

    wolfskymoon Guest

    Well since I have never been in any relationship, take my advice as h/e you want. But I personally think that she isn't satisfied with you and thinks she can do better (different), or likes sleeping around without getting into a strong relationship.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 31, 2009
  3. Bob Brown

    Bob Brown bewshit, bewshit, bewshit

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    as in on the couch? spoon with her in bed? did you guys have sex?
     
  4. eljefedetonto

    eljefedetonto OT Supporter

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    Yeah, that, and nope, I didn't have any condoms on me. Believe me, it crossed my mind.
     
  5. roddick

    roddick New Member

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    I feel that she might be telling you the truth, but regardless she is carrying around some baggage from the ex and probably has major trust issues now. Not something I would want to deal with personally.
     
  6. eljefedetonto

    eljefedetonto OT Supporter

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    I thought this, too. But even going off of that, I'm not sure how to reply to her, if at all. (which is the main point of the thread)
     
  7. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    Whether she is being straightforward or not, my advice is the same- move on. Your initial reaction for a response sounds good enough to me. It's honest and realistic. Go with that, then go on with your life. Sorry she didn't turn out to be who you hoped she was, but there are other girls out there.
     
  8. just_another_on

    just_another_on New Member

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    Wow no serious replies from my vaggers yet? Hmph.

    K, well heres my input on the whole situation.

    Shes being honest.

    It seems like she is at the point in her life where she realizes what she wants, but KNOWS what needs to be done. She is obviously totally interested in you, enough to the point where on the first night you guys met she invited you into her house, let alone cuddle/sleep in the same bed.

    But I think shes being honest with you. She obviously has emotions/feelings still tied up/involving her ex since hes a constant subject, but at the same time knows she likes you but with the recent break up and with her current school work/thesis she doesn't have the time to really get into something new. Sadly, if she were to just continue and just 'date' you, i have a feeling you would be falling into the rebound category, but it seems like she is trying to prevent that.

    If you're looking for advice for her, I would be totally honest.

    "Well, im not going to lie, thats totally not what I expected out of the email, but I do appreciate your honesty and being up front with me. I had a great time with you and really enjoyed your company, but I understand and totally agree with you that you have a big load on your shoulders.

    Although I understand the situation, it still saddens me (maybe insert clever carlin line here?), you should definitely hit me up when you get some free time. Id really like to see you sometime again"
     
  9. eljefedetonto

    eljefedetonto OT Supporter

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    Seems like you guys got it in one page... good work team :h5:

    I'll think of exactly what to say tomorrow.
     
  10. ldaggerl

    ldaggerl New Member

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    Dude, don't talk back to her. Your ready to date and she isn't. Don't stick around and don't leave yourself open. You could drop the line of well when your ready come find me but who knows my status then. No one wants what they know they can have.
     
  11. chica&buddies

    chica&buddies Active Member

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    i agree...

    she's being open and honest with you. i think you should respond to her email in a thoughtful manner. hopefully things will work out, and you'll be able to hang out more frequently when her schedule lightens up a bit. :)
     
  12. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    It's quite simple really. She just got out of a long term relationship that ruined her trust and faith in men for a whle. Even if you attempted to date her the relationship would likely fail or be a nightmare due to her insecurity of being cheated on.

    Back off completely from here. Since you know a lot of the same people and she does have interest in you you stand a good chance of hooking up in the future if you play it cool and move on gracefully.
     
  13. eljefedetonto

    eljefedetonto OT Supporter

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    Pretty much exactly what I did. Just said hey, I understand, you're going through a thing, I enjoyed hanging out so definitely come find me when you feel you're ready.
     
  14. aaholland

    aaholland New Member

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    :bowdown:.....
     
  15. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    i agree w. the above. she seems like she is being honest. take her words at face value and move on.

    your initial response that you were thinking about giving sounds good to me.
     
  16. jmezz

    jmezz layin in bed stretchin my pumped quads for hours

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    LOL what a dumb broad, asks if you're leading her on while clearly leading you on. :bowrofl:
     
  17. eljefedetonto

    eljefedetonto OT Supporter

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    :rofl:
     
  18. Reign

    Reign Banned

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    .

    Having experience with almost this exact same situation, more than once even, don't respond. Or if you do respond, be very non-shalant about it, something along the lines of "I understand, see you around". Don't go into detail, leave her wondering. I almost guaruntee you'll be getting a phone call, email, one of your friends "arranging" a get together that you're both at about... a month or two down the road.

    I mean, yeah, you're gonna be kinda acting like a dick but she did lead you on. If I were to bet on this, her self-esteem seems low enough and she respects/likes you enough to at least email you saying "blah blah blah I hate writing this, blah blah blah", I would bet on her trying to get back in contact with you.

    WHAT EVER YOU DO, DO NOT PUSH IT! It will drive her away further. Best thing to do is go out and find some short time tail, or someone else entirely.
     

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