SRS SO stealing from me?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Fiya, Jul 17, 2006.

  1. Fiya

    Fiya Guest

    :wtc:

    Ok here's what happened.

    Over the weekend, my mom and I had a garage sale here at my apartment. The first night, just $3 came up missing and we assumed it was because some one had brought something back and we forgot to mark it or maybe that one of us miscalculated how much money we took out for food, etc. No biggie.

    The second night, we came up $6 short. At this point, we were a little amazed as to how we could be this careless with money... we ended up ruling the possibility of any negative thing happening again. We then divied out the money, and split it into plastic baggies. My SO knew that my baggie was in my purse, and my purse stayed on the kitchen table all night. (He was up until 5am, I fell asleep around 2:30am)

    Today, he and I went to walmart to get some cat food etc, and I pulled out my bag-o-cash to pay and found $10 in 1 dollar bills missing. At this point, we're $19 in the hole and my red flag is drawn. Upon coming home, my SO goes outside to smoke and converses with a neighbor who supposedly says that three doors down some one stole 5 guns. He had me ask my mom if she took it, and when she said no, he INSISTED that he get his gun toting liscence and buy a gun, that we are NOT safe in this neighborhood, and he's just shooting flames everywhere.

    Typically, when some one is lying, don't they try and make a bigger deal about things, like make excuses and get all upset like that? :dunno:

    To make things worse, he has a history of stealing. 4-5 months ago... (to make this part easier to understand you should know he drives MY old car, and uses MY things. All he has at our apartment are clothes, he owns nothing.) His parents live 2 1/2 hours away and he went for a visit. I gave him $45 for gas and food etc. He was going to be gone just over the weekend. But on my online bank statement, it showed a $100 withdrawl on the date he left, and I had never been to the ATM at the new bank, so I knew I didn't do it. He later confessed.

    I don't know how to confront him about this, I don't want to just accuse him of it because things have been really awesome in our relationship lately. We're having a baby due Oct. 9th. So I can't just break up with him. But I know he'll get heated and upset if I even suggest for a second that it was him. It took A LOT for me to regain any sort of trust with him and I really hope he's not doing anything, but I'm so afraid that he is, and I'm just so at a loss as to how I should approach the situation. It's got me so upset though. :wtc:
     
  2. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    I'm confused here to be honest. :o Are you saying that he accused your mom of stealing guns or your SO of stealing them?
    What does your financial situation look like? Do the two of you live together? When you are creating a life together (and I'm not talking about the baby here), doesn't your stuff become his and vice versa? That's the way it was for us so forgive me if you do things different. I remember you saying that he has a relatively low paying job (yet enough to support you and the baby). Does he have extra money left over for himself out of his paycheck? It may sound funny but I know that's something that is essential. My husband supports us right now and he gets stressed working hard to do so if there isn't anything left after paying the bills. It's just something to think about.
    You should never stay just because you have a child with the man. You should stay because you want to be with him, NOT because you feel obligated.

    That being said I know you are a very traditional woman, so I'm not saying that you should leave him over that. What I am saying is that you really need to sit down and discuss the situation with him. If he is stealing from you, why do you need to regain his trust? Shouldn't it be the other way around?

    If the two of you are truly in love and you are planning on spending the rest of your lives together (which I'm assuming? Forgive me if I'm wrong) shouldn't you be able to have a serious discussion? If you can't sit down and talk with him about things and you don't have trust in your relationship right now, what do you have?

    I know you don't agree with me on a lot of things, but I do have experience with rough times in my marriage (as I think everyone does). Take my advice for what it's worth. :hs:
     
  3. redna

    redna New Member

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    He sounds like just the kind of guy you want raising your child....


    You're a fucking moron for staying with him. the first time he stole from you should have been the end of it.

    A theif is a liar, and if he's lied about stealing, he'll lie about anything. Dump his ass and take care of the baby yourself. The heart ache and trouble that it will take to raise a child on your own will be much less than raising a child with some loser that is just holding you back. Essentially you'll be raising two children!!!


    GTFO NOW!
     
  4. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    I was gonna say this, but you beat me to it.

    The guy's a loser, a user, and a thief, and you're staying with him why?
    You fucked up in getting pregnant with him, so that's something you're going to have to deal with. No sense in making the situation worse by staying with him.
     
  5. familyguy101

    familyguy101 New Member

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    Fiya, maybe you have never gotten involved or even knew a person like this before. I have had friends who do the same thing. It took me 5 years to realize that these people are not good, and they wont change. Does he smoke pot? any drugs? Either way, you will wake up one morning and see that you have wasted a lot of time with this guy. Let me guess, your constantly putting up with bullshit. For example, he uses your car, lives with you, losing money, losing valuables, he comes home late, doesn't answer his phone, mistreats you sometimes, and he's just shady in general. Trust me, you don't want anything to do with this sort of person. Like I said, he wont' change.

    BTW....what nationality is he?
     
  6. Arclight

    Arclight Hypercube

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    The bold parts are really relevant to the conversation because we all know that if he does drugs and/or he is messican/black then he must be worthless. Right? :ugh:
     
  7. Arclight

    Arclight Hypercube

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    Dump this guy and decide what you want to do with the baby.
     
  8. nish81

    nish81 OT Supporter

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    Get rid of the guy..not sure about the baby though
     
  9. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Your baby would be better off without him around. You think you need him to help shoulder the burden of child-care.
    You're wrong.

    Everything you've written indicates that this guy is like a second child, needing as much care and DIRECT SUPERVISION as a child does or else he misbehaves.

    He will be incapable of parenting and nurturing and setting a good example for this child. He will instead neglect the child to attend to his own needs.

    Your trouble will be magnified because you will always have to watch him, you can't trust him, you can't trust his word, you can't relax because it seems like the minute your guard is down...he's off doing something.
    How long can you live like this? And with a newborn to take care of?


    Your life and your child's life will be much better off with him.
    Strong words, but if your history of your life together is accurate...it's warranted.


    You'll probably end up staying with him though, so come back in in a few months and let us know how it's going.
     
  10. redna

    redna New Member

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    Ha ha... I was going to say the same thing just now, but you beat me to it..
     
  11. Fiya

    Fiya Guest

    There are a lot of really good aspects of our relationship.
    No he doesn't do any drugs, hardly even drinks but once every 3 months.
    03, the neighbor was just saying that another neighbor of ours had guns stolen from them, insinuating that there could be a theif around, and that's how the money could have been stolen.

    To tell you all the truth, I don't think it's as black&white as I should leave him or not... here are some good things about him:
    He rubs my belly on a nightly basis, and cries when the baby kicks his hand, it really touches him.
    He's spent so many restless hours in the baby's room making her crib, and just pondering life, I suppose.
    He really treats me with a lot of respect, to any given person he would NOT come off as a liar or a theif.
    He works his ass off to pay the bills, he has only ever called off work for a funeral, and he even got promoted.

    That being said, I think it's like a strange problem he has. (the lying/stealing) like he's a pathological liar, something more psychological than 'he's just a bad person' etc etc.

    He's the only guy I've ever dated that my parents approve of, and it's not like I dated a bunch of losers or bad guys. He just projects himself to be a very upright, intelligent, hard working, respectable individual.

    Right now, he's technically supporting my mother and I. She just moved from FLA and hasn't gotten a job yet. I'm not allowed to work, so says my doctor. (not that I really want to because I'm the only one who cooks/cleans the house. and I'm going to college atm.)
     
  12. redna

    redna New Member

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    So, he's a good actor... maybe he's crying because he feels trapped now that he got you preggers...

    Again, pondering how he fucked his life up so badly that he has to steal from the woman he "loves" in order to do whatever it is he needed to do with the extra 19 bucks...

    I see... :ugh:. You do know that stealing isn't respectful right? Neither is lying.

    At least he's good at what he does....

    This adds nothing to the conversation. Perhaps he should find a higher paying job if he still needs to steal.

    Apparently your parents have bad judgement.

    That's what theives do... they act like someone they're not. How effective do you think he would be at stealing if he ran around yelling "HEY EVERYONE, I STEAL THINGS!"

    He gets A point (as in 1) for helping out the mom... maybe that's why she likes him. Still doesnt mean he's the guy you should stick with.



    In all seriousness, you need to take a look at the situation and determine if it truely is something that is psychological or if he's just a guy that makes bad choices. Then you need to asses the frequency of his stupid choices. Then you need to decide if that's something you can deal with until your kid is 18.

    The last thing you want (or I need) is to have to pay to jail some kid that was raised by a pathological liar/theif and a woman that wasnt brave enough to do the right thing and get the situation under control before it became a situation...

    It sounds like you need to start thinking real quick too, because you're due soon and you need to have this handled by then. It's far better to have a child without a father than to split up during the most critical times. Children learn from the interaction of their mother and father about all kinds of things. That's where they learn to handle life situations in their adult life.

    Start thinking about who you want your child to be, and then become the mother that can raise that kind of child.
     
  13. Fiya

    Fiya Guest

    well, ok in response...

    he has a high paying job atm, but he has things on chexsystems(sp) preventing him from getting a bank account so he deposits the whole check in my account. He never carries his own cash. But if he asked, I would let him, he just doesn't... :dunno:

    That's why I think it's a psychological thing though, maybe he feels out of control... ??
     
  14. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    I don't know if OnTopic is a protected forum (I don't think it is, but forgive me if it is), but you mentioned a couple of days ago that he makes $18,000. That's not exactly high paying. :hs:
     
  15. nish81

    nish81 OT Supporter

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    Does he project himself as an upright individual, or do you think that he truly is one?
     
  16. Fiya

    Fiya Guest

    yeah he just got a promotion that took him up to nearly $30k a year. And we get assistance via metropolitan housing authority, they pay 2/3s of our rent, and give us an $80 check every month on top of what he earns. My mom has food stamps. We aren't living rich or anything, but we're definately getting things together.
     
  17. Fiya

    Fiya Guest

    He does absolutely NOTHING wrong outside of the stealing.
    And again, I can't prove that he actually is stealing this time.
    But another $3 came up 'missing' today.
     
  18. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    I find it interesting that you used the word "projects" instead of saying that he IS a respectable individual. I would like you to answer this question with your gut instinct (if you don't want to post the answer here, that's fine. Just be honest with yourself for a moment). Is he the upright, intelligent, hardworking, respectable individual? Is he the type of person you want to spend the rest of your life with?
    Call me crazy, but I actually disagree with most of the other posters here. I think that there is a possibility, if you get him the help he needs, for your relationship to be able to grow as you would like. I do think he needs counseling at the very least (to be honest I think the two of you also need counseling together).
    I know the two of you are young, is it possible that he is really feeling the stress of having a baby so young? Are the two of you planning on getting married anytime soon?
     
  19. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    Congratulations to him on the promotion, that is a HUGE step up in pay. Hopefully you two will have things together so you won't have to take government assistance (please note I'm not saying anything negative about it at all). Some men have a really hard time accepting the fact that they can't support their family financially. It can cause a huge amount of stress on a relationship too.
     
  20. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    Why haven't you talked to him about this?

    Do you make him account for every single penny he spends? I know in our relationship my husband has nothing to do with the bills or the checking account (besides having a debit card) or anything like that. He has a certain amount of money that he is allowed to spend each week and I can't say a word about it. It's a meager amount since we're poor too :o but I have found that it seems to help a lot. It was stressful to him to have me watching over every penny (which I used to do) that either one of us spent. Money can be a huge issue within a relationship.
     
  21. Fiya

    Fiya Guest

    I love him so much, we have an awesome relationship outside of this. He IS a respectable, etc, individual, but I get so frusterated upon suspecting him of these things. I've been trying to talk him into counselling for some time now, just because he had made a mention that he was so young and didn't expect to be where he is right now in life, having a child on the way... He is the one that talked me into keeping her though, he wanted to go through with this... I just think he feels a lot of pressure because he has to 'take care' of me AND my mom, with a baby on the way... And in a month, his sister is having her wedding, his grandmother just passed away about 2 weeks ago, and his other grandmother is really sick with diabetes, so there is just A LOT going on right now for him.

    When I confronted him the last time, he denied taking the money. We broke up for about 2 weeks and he went back to his parents house, and when we spoke again, he said that he had taken it when he went for a visit one time, and didn't think it would be that big of a deal, seeing as we had about $7000+ in the bank at the time. I kept trying to tell him that the money was NOT a big deal, but I just didn't want to be lied to. He conceded to that, but it took a whole mess of fighting just to get him to that point, hence the break-up etc...

    I really want to work things out with him, I'd like to get it off of my chest, but I will say that I'm somewhat of a strict person when it comes to finances, and my whole life, really. I come to him with my problems quite often. (i.e. I didn't like it when he was talking to girls (friends) he went to high school with on AIM and keeping it a secret, but after a big fuss, he showed me a convo or two and I was OK after that, I don't suspect him of cheating. And I kind of made a fuss about having to spend $150 on a tux for his sisters wedding, because we just had to save up $650 for this new apt deposit, and money has been tight.) And bringing this up on top of what was mentioned above.... is just a lot for him to handle, and he reacts extremely defensively.
     
  22. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    He's lied about taking money in the past. Chances are VERY good that he will lie about taking money in the future.

    The real issue in my mind is that dishonesty breeds dishonesty. What ELSE has he lied about?? Keep in mind you may not have caught him doing anything else dishonest yet.

    When I find that I'm dating a person that lies, I dump them and look for another. Sorry it's just not in my nature to be patient with liars. IMO it's better to punt them and move on.
     
  23. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    Fiya, do you stay because you want to stay, or do you stay because it is the only way you think you will achieve what you want in life (staying home with your baby etc)?
     
  24. Lucifer

    Lucifer New Member

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    This same sort of thing happened to my sister some years back.

    Perfect guy, did everything buy the book, good $75k a year job, etc. He lied about one small thing, than another, and then a larger one, and another. Once busted, he promised that he would never do it again. His excuss to the whole thing was that things had just gotten to stressful at work and the lies built on top of each other (i.e. he had to lie to cover all the others).

    Skip 2 years to the future. He starts lying again, only this time about much larger things (i.e. morgage payments not being made but "mailed last week", intercepting mail to cover collections notices, maxing all credit cards on still untold items). To keep this story short, skip to current day and my sister now has a 7 year old son and a dead beat exhusband that's $17,000 in the hole for child support.
     
  25. Fiya

    Fiya Guest

    I actually genuinely love him and want to work things out if possible. Just because that IS what's best for the baby - to be raised in a home with BOTH parents - that is, if both parents have their hearts into it. I know I do, and I'm 99% when it comes to the baby, so is he.

    I think I'm just a damn dictator and he feels like he doesn't have any control. But I don't want to give him his own debit card, etc, because he's a spendthrift. He'd buy things we couldn't afford and make promises that he'd 'work' to make up for it, it would just be a really bad situation. He loveees to spend money though, not on big stuff, just like a milkshake here, and a meal there, some candy and pop at work on top of that, and a fancy cigar from the cigar shop downtown... it would never end... Like, if I were to give him $20 out of his paycheck per week, it would be gone within the first 2 days, with NOTHING to show for it.

    I love him so much, it's so hard to think badly of him. I truly only want to do whats best for my baby, and I know if we can work things out, then THAT is what would be best for her... I just don't know where to start. Every time I try and talk to him about his personal problems he gets mad at me and says I'm trying to psychoanalyze him and I just want to help... But he doesn't talk to me at all... I feel like I'm doing all of the talking. I have all these opinions and feelings and I'm expressive and emotional... he is the exact opposite. :wtc:
     

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