SRS So she wants a divorce....

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by jheric, Feb 17, 2009.

  1. jheric

    jheric New Member

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    I never post on OT, but figure now is as good a time as any..

    I've been with my wife for a little over 7 years (officially married for 2). We just bought a new house in December, which was exciting for us. We had a great Valentine's weekend. I took her to dinner, bought her a bottle of her favorite wine, 2 dozen roses, etc.. and she seemed really happy. Then she sits next down next to me on Sunday and tells me she wants a divorce. :eek4:

    She says that she has not felt the way she should for a while now, (at least over 1 year). I asked if we could do counseling, but she feels that it is too late for that.

    She got an apartment on Monday and started packing up all her stuff. She plans on moving out by the end of the week. She was going to stay with her parents, but they are VERY religious and keep reminding her that she is sinning and what not, so she decided to just stay in the house with me. (I stayed on the couch)

    I realize that she is very determined to get out of the house, so I offered to help move her over the weekend, and even help with the deposit on her utilities to help get her on her feet. She has very little money saved up, so she is extra stressed about the initial move. I have no plans to help her with her bills after this and informed her of this. She understands that she will be doing this on her own.

    This has hit me pretty hard. I have a hard time concentrating on anything anymore, I can't sleep well, and I have no appetite. I think the last time I really ate was sometime Sunday. This sucks! :wtc:

    So what do I do now? Should I keep up hope that she will come back after some time away? Should I try to be cordial and supportive as long as it does not hurt me?

    I'm so lost and confused...:sadwavey:
     
  2. jheric

    jheric New Member

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    btw, the "Guide to facing divorce" link in the The Asylum (Wisdom + Rules) thread appears to be broken. I looked for help there first
     
  3. Deadhead9150

    Deadhead9150 Banned

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    I wish I had any sort of advice that was better than telling you that I feel for you, sorry. I can only imagine how much it sucks :hug:
     
  4. Dahlia

    Dahlia Active Member

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    I would say do not help her at all. Do not pay for any of her new bills, none of it. She is leaving you, and is not willing to go try to get help, why would you honestly want to help her?
     
  5. jheric

    jheric New Member

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    I will not be paying any of her bills. I can't afford to pay for the new house AND her apartment. Plus, I would feel like a tool for doing that.

    I don't mind helping her get setup in the new place to show her that I am still willing to help her out, even if I don't agree with her decision or the reasons.

    Now if later down the road she asks me for money, that will be a different story. It may hurt to see her struggle, but this was her decision to make. Maybe it will open her eyes a bit.

    Then again, maybe I am being an idiot? :wtc:
     
  6. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    you have kids?
     
  7. Dahlia

    Dahlia Active Member

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    I would suggest digging through the asylum and reading some of the many divorce threads. If I were in your shoes, I would be telling my husband he has X amount of days to get his shit out, no help from me would be offered. He would not be helped with getting started on her utilities as you offered.

    Divorce is an ugly thing, especially if you had no idea it's coming. It's better to start distancing yourself from her now, because trying to hold on when this is clearly something she has been thinking about for awhile is just going to make it hurt more. And I know it will be hard treating her like this when it's still so fresh, but she made her bed, and she can lie in it.
     
  8. jheric

    jheric New Member

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    No, no kids. Good thing I found out about this BEFORE we got that far.

    Just a dog, who is going with her.
     
  9. Vysion

    Vysion New Member

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    How old are you both?
     
  10. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    you're going to have to deal with the feelings and shit. good luck, it's going to suck for a while.



    just being pragmatic, even though you have a house together you have no idea how much shit you're avoiding by not having kids.
     
  11. jheric

    jheric New Member

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    I'm 31, she is 26.
     
  12. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    sorry to hear man. as said above i would help her w. nothing.

    she is making this decision and has w.held her unhappiness for a year. why did she not bring this up? try to work it out?

    its hard but you have to let her be. the worst thing you can do is sit there and hope she changes her mind. ive been there and it only prolongs the pain.
     
  13. Mint

    Mint Active Member

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    I know its hard but like other said at least kids are involved..

    Thank god she made up her mind before that happened.

    Distance yourself from her, and hang out with friends and stuff, a lot.
     
  14. jheric

    jheric New Member

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    I would feel really guilty for doing that. Let me explain a bit..

    When we first met, I was still going through an ugly divorce with 2 kids involved. I had a feeling that neither kid was mine, but was going to be an idiot and just deal with that. I didn't have the money to move forward since she was sucking 50% of my income.

    She got me off my ass and even paid for the blood work to be done AND paid for the lawyer. A lot of people may have just walked away from that situation because that is a LOT of baggage.

    The tests came back and showed that neither kid was mine. The Judge stopped the required child support immediatly. We found out later that my FATHER actually slept with my ex-wife and got her pregnant... :eek3::eek3::eek3::eek3:.

    But back to the current topic, I just cannot throw her out like that. Maybe it's my way of saying "Thanks for supporting me when you could have just walked away"

    I may be setting myself up for more hurt, but the guilt from just looking the other way would be just as bad for me.
     
  15. Drifter87

    Drifter87 Yippi-kay-ay, Motherfucker

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    What?! Are you serious? That is really F***ed up... I'm sorry.
     
  16. jheric

    jheric New Member

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    Ya, I'm sure I will be in a straight jacket pretending I am Darth Vader or something really screwed up in the future...
     
  17. Spaceering

    Spaceering I bite.

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    from what ive seen so far, she just randomly wanted a divorce out of nowhere. And someone said to give her a date to be out and enforce it. And you were hesitant to act this way from experience in the past. Or was the real reason because it would just feel unnatural to kick her out?

    If you are really just the type that does not want to end all, and instead would rather try to work out problems, then do that. By no means would I suggest acting on this matter in a fashion that would not reflect who you truly are.

    Personally speaking of myself, I am the type of person who would have something like this happen as well, and I would do all possible to salvage or work around finding a solution. I worked in a place for 2 years not happy, and other people tell me I should consider that wasted time. It was bad that it took two years to realize, but I am not a bit regretful for the two years, because I acted like myself in that time, and learned for myself what I needed to learn. People look back and say "i told you so" but that did not matter a bit to me.

    You are who you are, dont try to change that. If it was me, I would do two things. First try to talk to her and ask her why she never brought up her feelings at all during that year. Maybe it can be talked out and fixed? Second, I would just try to snoop around a bit and use my intuition or get a sense as to why exactly she is so insistant on a divorce. First normal reason to come to my head is she found someone else. It could be that, or anything else. But I would try to figure out the real reason, just for closure if nothing else.
     
  18. Vysion

    Vysion New Member

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    That's fucked up... :eek4:

    Yeah, but she's walking away now.
     
  19. Mulsanne

    Mulsanne The Man = Funk Fusion Chaos

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    this x 11ty.,

    She's already ripping your heart out...you want to give her some money on the way too?
     
  20. Dodger Blue

    Dodger Blue OT Supporter

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    I'm so sorry this is happening. Looking back did you see any signs of this? Just really sad how you can be with somebody for so long and suddenly they don't want to be with you.
     
  21. djshotglass

    djshotglass New Member

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    Nice guys finish last. It may be why she's leaving you :hs:

    and wtf @ your dad I'd kill him. Seriously.
     
  22. northw3st

    northw3st New Member

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    you seem like you have a good heart, but she is divorcing you. don't worry if she struggles or not. she has told you she doesn't want to spend her life with you any longer - she'll have to deal with this on her own.
     
  23. jheric

    jheric New Member

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    Looking back now, after I had time to sit and think a lot, I can now see there were some signs that she was not happy. I was just an idiot and ignored them, thinking she was just being emotional and she would get over them. Big mistake. :nono:

    I'm pretty sure there is no other guy. I think she was starting to feel tempted by other guys with greener grass, which lead to her making her decision now, before she cheated.

    I figured out a way to go about the money thing that helps us both out.

    Her mother recently gave her a few things for the house... a new vacuum, a few small appliances, and such. She was going to take these with her, but instead I offered to buy them from her. I would have had to go and purchase a lot of these things eventually anyway.

    So she gets the money she needs, I get the stuff I would have to buy anyway.
     
  24. Daria

    Daria New Member

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    I would disown immediately.

    There is one thing I'm confused about in your original post. You said you bought a house in December. This December? If she said she didn't have feelings for your for a year, why would she have let you purchase a home for the two of you without notifying you of this issue?
     
  25. PlayForBlood

    PlayForBlood The rules, rules don't apply to you. You're specia

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    she will be the first woman I have ever seen actually tell someone that they don't love them anymore and actually move out before hooking up with someone new
    If this is true, then consider yourself lucky, most sleep with someone else first and only do the above after being caught.
     

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