SRS So, my wife of almost 6 years told me to leave and that she needs space

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by riot, Nov 13, 2007.

  1. riot

    riot Guest

    I am having a hard time not pushing her away and giving her the space. I know I need to. I need to work on my flaws that caused her to leave me and hopefully she'll miss me when she sees I am changing. It's just so hard because of the way things went down.

    It has happened in the past where we had our problems and worked through them but I reverted right back to the same old me. Selfish selfish selfish. This came out of the blue this weekend but she had been thinking it for a while. It was a huge shock to me but at the same time I'm not surprised it happened. I'm hurt so bad.

    Her and my most of my family live in the same apartment complex. She is a leasing consulting while my mom is the apartment manager. I am staying with my mom but it's so close, it's so hard to give her the space. Especially when I have to see her every day because of my daughter.

    I really need to buckle down and work towards change. Do the things I always say I'm going to do like working out and taking better care of myself. Get looking and acting good and confident so that she misses me and we can start working through it.

    I want to rekindle our love and start dating her again. Eventually I want to work to proposing to her the right way and having the wedding she has always wanted.

    It just hard right now, giving her the space. Granted it's only been 2 days, me trying to talk about it or get answers to my questions only shows how selfish I still am. I just really need some moral support, advice, thoughts... help...
     
  2. Dysfnctnl85

    Dysfnctnl85 IT/Apple/Rotary/(D)SLR Crew

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    I'm not even going to pretend like I know what marriage is, or the dynamics of your relationship. What I do know a little bit about is how to try and recover from the separation.

    Change is good. Get into a gym, for sure. You can meet so many people (as in, make new friends) you would be amazed. And the best thing about meeting people at the gym is that in general, people are there to improve themselves, so that's definitely something positive, you know? I've also tried to (I probably sound like a broken record to a lot of people on here now) rediscover myself. Spend time doing what makes you an independently happy person. It's really hard to discover these things again because it's so *easy* to remember your connections to other people.

    As trite as it may be, in the long run, it will be better for you to go through this process to remember who you are. You can't have a successful relationship if you are not successful (in life, or just being happy) by yourself.

    :hug:
     
  3. jmezz

    jmezz layin in bed stretchin my pumped quads for hours

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    What are the reasons she wants space?
     
  4. Doc Love

    Doc Love Guest

    The relationship is over, plan to move on and get going with your life.
     
  5. SpectreMatrix

    SpectreMatrix New Member

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    Good luck man
     
  6. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    This is not entirely your fault. It takes 2 people to make a relationship work, and it takes 2 people to fix it.
     
  7. registeredPORK

    registeredPORK Happy Poo Poo

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    I can relate somewhat to what you're going through, and how you're feeling. Although I was married, I was not on the receiving end of this; but I can still maybe give you some insight and some thoughts on this with my own personal experience.

    Through my marriage of three years, whenever him and I would sit down, and talk about our problems, talk about things that we both needed to work on, within a week or two he would always revert back to the way he was. Even when we had long discussions and when he would tell me that it was "really a wake up call" to do better in the marriage, he would only stick to it for a little bit and not follow through with what he said he would do.

    While being in this marriage with him, I was a full time student trying to get my culinary degree and working full time as well so usually at the end of the day, I'm just pooped out. Not only that, i worked on the weekends so whenever I did have a day off, I wanted to do something fun or do something relaxing, whether that was going out to a movie or something. But while I'm doing all of this, he expects me to be a home maker all at the same time. Have food ready for him on the table when he gets home, have laundry done every week, keep the house clean, keep everything clean. Do things that a woman "needs" to do. I've always told him that going to school is a lot more stressful then it really sounded, and on top of that I was working full time at a country club.

    Every time we talked, the only thing that came out of it was empty promises. I've told him time and time again I would say to him: to not make empty promises but you know; how some of us girls are, we just can't help it but to believe that you'll stick to it this time.

    After it all, I told him I needed space to think about what I want to do and how I really felt about the marriage. It was only then that I realized how much damage he had really done to me--emotionally and mentally. He made me feel really inadequate, made me feel like my thoughts and how I felt really didn't count for anything at all. He made me feel like I was always the one at fault, because he was too proud to actually apologize. I had to do his apologizing for him. He made me feel like I was worthless, and that I am just here for his enjoyment, his pleasure, his entertainment. I felt like I really didn't mean much to him. Sure, we had our ups and downs, and sure, I've stuck by him by even then, he made me feel like shit all the time. That was probably the only thing he was really good at: making me feel horrible about myself, and abusing me.

    He never did anything that would count towards romantic or sweet. He called me stingy and greedy and gold-digger when he was living on my $8.50 and hour job working at the country club. He called me that when I didn't want to buy him something that wasn't necessary, like all his video games, the Xbox he wanted, the PSP that he 'needed'. He was too materialistic; and his motto has always been, "You only live once, so you might as well spend it on things you want to enjoy."

    He neglected his bills, ignored collection agencies, and never took responsibility of anything. This includes all the things in the relationship that he's never done or that he's never tried to improve on.

    I remember when he called me to pick him up and take him to the bank because he wanted to cash his check. He didn't have a bank account because he overdrawn his account (a total of like $800) so he wanted me to do it. I tell him that I'm in school and I only really have enough gas to go to work and then come back home. He tells me he'll give me gas money if I pick him up and when I do and need to go back to school for a few more classes, he hands me $3.00 and tells me that it should be enough. I look at him in amazement and wonderment, thinking how in the world he believed that I could go back to school and go to work and then come back home... a total of ~62 miles from home, to school, to work, and back to home.

    Even when I brought up something like this to him, he would always put me down, saying that the reason why he did that was because I did something wrong. He would never take responsibility for anything that he's done; and that includes doing drugs.

    I knew he was doing marijuana and I talked to him about it and he apologized and said that he wouldn't do it again but he just did it behind my back. I didn't care if he experimented with drugs in his past but as long as he didn't do any now, it didn't matter if he did do drugs in the past. Everyone experiments, and he wouldn't of had been the first person that I knew that has experimented.

    I can still remember the most hurtful he's ever done or said to me. This goes past his physical abuse--it was emotionally and mentally hurtful. My body can heal; it was made to be healed by wounds. But my emotions? My feelings? My trust? It takes so much time, and sometimes it just never does heal.

    I told him that, while growing up, my family was a lot more on the poor side. We were never really well off like him because he was an only child. I had a lot of siblings, and there was a lot of mouths to feed, so what my mom and my older sisters would do to keep us fed was that they'd go behind restaurants and grab food that was thrown away. With this knowledge, he twisted it around and said some really awful and hurtful things. My mom did that so we could survive; and it's one of those things about me that not everyone knows about. Only very few people actually know this deeply about my past. We needed to survive and it was one way of doing it. My mom was already working two jobs, and my dad was never really there, but off somewhere in the world looking for a second wife or fucking some gold-digger that only wants him for the money that he has.

    Either way, he really said some hurtful things that night, and I don't think I really want to forgive him.

    Anyway, after three years of all of that, I drove to a state park, had my whole day there, and wrote down all my thoughts. What I thought about the relationship. What I thought about him. What I thought about myself. I wrote a long letter, because I knew that when I would try saying it, it wouldn't come out right, or I would forget to say some of the more important things that mattered more. I then sat down, and talked to him. Told him that I fell out of love with him because of the things that he's done and the things that he's said. I told him the most hurtful moment he has ever made me experience, and that I still hurt because of it. I told him that I don't know if I really loved him anymore. I told him that I don't know if I really wanted to be with him anymore.

    I told him that--when people as k me why I love him, I couldn't answer it. Most importantly, when I asked myself why I loved him, I couldn't answer it.

    After this was out in the open, he was pretty hurt, didn't really know what to do. He wanted to give me space, but at the same time, he really didn't want to at all... and then all of a sudden, he kicked me out of the house, took back all the keys--including the car keys, the house keys and everything and I said goodbye to him.

    I was homeless for a week, and after all of that, I'm good, and doing a lot better then I would ever of had if I was still with him.

    All I can say to you is that give her the space that she needs, because denying her that might drive her away further from you. Respect her, and through out this, show her that you are willing to change--and that you mean it. Do it in baby steps, like if you said to her you would go out to the gym, and you really didn't... now's your chance. Do that--go to the gym, work out, get your stress out that way. And at the end of it all, feel good about yourself.

    It's hard, as people of habit, to change. So like I said, take steps, and write goals down for yourself and what you want out of the relationship. Also, go to a marriage counselor; make sure the communication lines between you two are still open and that it hasn't closed down.

    It's going to be hard, and difficult, but it might bring you two together or it might bring you a new light about things in life.

    Good luck, :hug:
     
  8. riot

    riot Guest

    Thank you so much for this. I really feel that she has a lot of the same views. Although I have never been mentally or physically abusive I have neglected her feelings for far too long and it is just as bad. It's more about what I didnt do than about what I have done. Right now during this time where she needs space, I want so bad to talk to her about it, but I know I shouldn't try. We do talk because we have things that require our attention like bills and our daughter. I make a point not to bring anything up about the separation, be positive, and at least seem like I'm happy about what I am doing. Hopefully if she sees me not only doing things I said I wouldn't do but being happy, she will start to miss me and we can begin to talk about whats going on.
     
  9. blackgrrl23

    blackgrrl23 If the game ain't money, then I ain't playing.

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    thanks for sharing that, it drew parallels to my ex too with the broken promises (he did the same thing, ask me to take him to cash his check and drive 60-70 miles roundtrip and only put $10 in...or promise to pay a week of daycare for our son when I really needed the help that week and renig forcing me to use up all my vacation time and take off because no money=no babysitter, among other things....)...made me think and feel proud I had let his ass go....I have a thread in here, just search for it....


    stay strong sista :hug:
     
  10. registeredPORK

    registeredPORK Happy Poo Poo

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    I think a lot of the time, it is more of the things that you haven't done, and the things you say you would do. I think, the reason for this is because there has been more bad then good, and so the good becomes easily forgotten.

    Allow her the time to recollect herself. Allow her the time to make herself feel like her--because when I was in that marriage, I didn't feel like me at all. I felt like I was becoming another person that I didn't enjoy being; I felt like I was acting out all my lines, and my part. It's not a good feeling to have, to feel like you have to pretend to just stay happy. We get so lost in all the stereotypical views of marriage and what it's supposed to be like that we lose ourselves. We allow ourselves to succumb to it so we can hear words of appraisal and to all those outsiders looking in, they can be fed the lies that we bring out while on the inside, it's a lot darker then it looks.

    You--you should also do some thinking about yourself, about the marriage, about what you want to do to make things work. She'll probably think about all the things that happened to make it to this breaking point of separation. If I were in your shoes, I would ask myself these questions:
    • What can I do right now to make myself a bit stress-free?
      • And I'm sure you're mature enough to not result in alcoholism, drugs, and the likes. Like I said, maybe take the time to go to the gym, release some steam, some stress, some thoughts, some worry, some anger. Release it there so when you go back home, you feel fresh and renewed. Like for example, you want to let out some anger? Free-weights, weight training, or laps in the pool. You want to let go of some hurt? RUN, jog, float in the pool on your back and pretend that the water is washing it all away. Want to do some thinking? STEAM room, the sauna or even the hot tub. I did all of that...
    • What are my goals and expectations for myself in life--in the short and long run?
      • Again, throughout this separation, you should also focus on yourself. You should make an outline of the things that you can do, that you can change, that you can and want to achieve. Don't write goals and expectations for her, do it for yourself. When I had those couple of days of space from myself and him, I wrote down things that I wanted to do. And even after we totally separated, I was still able to do them. One of my goals was to be able to live on my (or our) own; more or less, to be able to actually become independents and not just live with his parents for the rest of our lives. Yes, we did live with his parents, but I suppose you can blame that on cultural beliefs.
    • What are the things in life that I can change, to improve myself, the life of my child, and my spouse?
      • Be realistic here, she may come back, she may not, but still, think about her. Make sure that you think of improving your life and your daughter's life, because if you can accomplish that, then that will improve the relationship that you and your spouse had. Things that you can change is setting your priorities straight if you believe that you may have overlooked something. I've changed a lot since my marriage; but one of the things that I've changed was to be able to be myself again. To be able to say, and do the things that I want to do without fear of repercussion(s).
    Like I said, we are people of habit and it's hard for change to actually exist in our lives. That is why I suggested making change in baby steps. Learn to dance, learn to play the guitar. Learn to paint, take a walk, get a dog.

    Small changes can also be (if you've never done this before), ask her how her day was when she comes and sees her daughter, or when you go to visit your daughter; and when you say it, you should really mean it. When (or if) she answers you in full, nod your head or do/say something that lets her know you're listening to her.

    Other small things that you can say or do is if she cut her hair, make note of it and say, "Oh, you changed your hair. I like how it looks now." Be heartfelt when you're mentioning small things like this but don't go all out. Let her know that she is still your wife, and still the mother to your daughter. Make small gestures that lets her know you still love her, and that you hope she'll be able to come to a conclusion.

    And who knows, the next time you see her and it's a day you know she has off or free time, ask her if she wants a cup of coffee (hot chocolate, whatever) and take your daughter to the park. Maybe she'll say yes.

    Again, giver her room, giver her time, and don't force things. Don't shove her away for the room that she wants in the relationship, but acknowledge why she wants it, why she needs it, and why she's asking for it.

    It takes two to make a relationship work. Hopefully she might also realize some of her own flaws as well, as you will be able to realize some of your flaws and be able to talk about it and work on it together.

    :hug:

    I really do hope things work out, and keep us (or me at least) updated on this. If you ever need someone to talk to, or share something with, or just listen to your ramblings, The Aslyum, and personally--myself--will be here to listen.
     
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2007
  11. registeredPORK

    registeredPORK Happy Poo Poo

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    Yeah. I didn't know how bad of a relationship I was in until someone drew a line for me, and showed me the light. I was blinded by my hope and love for this guy that I hadn't realize things would never change. I think one of the life altering things I've ever told him was that, on new years day, I looked at him in the eyes and said, "I'm letting you know right now, that because this is a new year, there can be great changes. I think that, one of those changes will be, if you ever hit me, abuse me in anyway (and this includes physically, mentally, emotionally, and all the likes), I will separate myself away from you, and we're over."

    Although I've said that a few times, it was never really a realization of "He's never going to change" until that one night.

    I've been told all the time that I'm a bitter person when it comes to people and humanity. That I've been jaded by this. But you know what? I'm not so jaded that I'm afraid to go out, have fun, meet guys, me new people. I'm not so jaded by all of this that I can't be with someone else until I've come to terms with it.

    Like they said, I'm one of the lucky ones.

    And a day doesn't go by where I am not glad that I'm being loved by a man who's gentle in each and every way. I <3 him, but he lurks too much on here :mamoru:

    :hugs: to you too, :)
     
  12. riot

    riot Guest

    I did something stupid today.


    I went to work, everything was fine, I came home feeling really good. I went and got my haircut I went for a jog and I was feeling really good. I picked up my daughter so that Amanda could go to the tanning bed and go work out. Well, Scarlett, my daughter, wanted to go home so I pick up her stuff to take her home. We go and the door is locked so I know amanda is still at the gym. Which is in our apartment complex. I go there and there is a guy on the machine next to her and they are talking and laughing and whatever. So I take scarlett in there, I act perfectly cool and calm. I set scarlett up on the computer to play her pbskids games and I say bye to amanda and leave. handled it perfectly right?

    Just wait. So on the way home, I start thinking.. who is that guy... how can she be laughing at a time like this.. how could she be happy. Is that someone she has known for a while blah blah all kinds of shit.

    So I go home and tell my mother about it and she knows the guy. He works out every morning and every evening. Amanda also has been working out every evening.. so I start being stupid and irrational and thinking.. shfjskahfkjshf

    I call her and say "hey, i just wanted to let you know, i tried as hard as I could to be cool about it but I have to ask. Who was that guy that you were working out with" she proceeds to tel me that the same group is in the gym every evening and telling me its innocent and all that. this started a whole mess of conversation that only worked to push her away a little more im sure. It sucks that I act so irrationally about little stuff. Say there is nothing going on between them .. I'm an idiot.

    jkahfdkljas I'm so stupid.
     
  13. riot

    riot Guest

    I need to give her space. I know this. I am trying as hard as I can, she is just being so unfair to me. It's making me read all kinds of stuff into what is most likely nothing.
     
  14. registeredPORK

    registeredPORK Happy Poo Poo

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    To tell you the truth, I don't think she's be unfair at all to you. I think you're being really insecure about it. She goes to the gym in the evenings regularly so of course she's going to know some people who goes there regularly too. You're really reading too much into how she's reacting towards other people--especially the male gender.

    You're probably on her mind, as well as the relationship between you two as well as her daughter. I don't think she would be so brash to throw all of that away within a few days. In all honesty, she was probably there because of a regular routine and it's probably something she enjoys doing. Like I said, you should probably do something that you enjoy and that will make you happy. Something that will make you smile and laugh through all of this. Laughter comes with joy, happiness and most of all, healing.

    She's not laughing at you or the situation. It's something that we need to do through the hard times. Let her have her space; allow her to speak to people she knows and allow her to be who she is. I know that, waiting sucks, but you can do something about it too. You can pick up a hobby, or start on a project that you've been meaning to get your hands on.

    You shouldn't feel insecure, and I know it's something hard to do but for six years,she's been faithful to you. If she has had her head on straight this long, I don't think she would be so compulsive as to seeing someone else on her road to enlightenment.
     
  15. Durka Durka

    Durka Durka Guest

    rest of the thread aside, always be careful.
     
  16. fourtwizzy

    fourtwizzy New Member

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    Asking about the guy in the guy was not good. Remember the past is a dry erase board just don't go sniffing the markers.
     
  17. riot

    riot Guest

    So, we've been civil and not talking about the breakup. Today I was talking to her. Since our daughter is going to the grandparents this weekend. I asked what she was doing tomorrow and she said she was just gonna stay home and paint and stuff. I aksed her if she wanted to do something and she said no she just felt like staying home. I aksed her if she was sure and she said she just didn't feel like doing anything. I said" you dont feel like doing anything or you dont feel like doing anything with me". She said both. I laughed but it hurt. She isn't even giving me the common courtesy of being just someone who wants to hang out.
     
  18. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    A person that was married for over 50 years once gave me the advice: A relationship is all about being together, but also about letting them do their own thing. Its giving and receiving of love. When one becomes selfish, one travels a one way road. A marriage is a joint experience so the road has got to go both ways.

    Try to put yourself in another persons shoes, if you where always neglected how would that make you feel?

    You have plenty of food,a roof on top of you, most likely a car outside, for what possible reason do you need to be selfish and ask for more for yourself at this moment? The meaning of life is to love and help other people ,while not neglecting yourself (which is something different from being selfish) for now be there to love your daughter, to love your wife. A relationship is a continues investment of love,time and attention to eachother in a balanced way.

    Always communicate always ask how they are feeling, give them love, add something wonderfull to their lives instead of being self centered.

    Its ok to self preserve yourself but you have to keep in mind that you are connected to everything and everyone in more or less way, especially to those who are close to you, you should not commit to neglicence as the road to selfishness destroys the bonds of love that you have.
     
  19. riot

    riot Guest

    Thank you for your words. I know they are true.


    I wrote this poem today.




    It was a fairy tale from the start.
    From the first kiss and quickening of our hearts.

    We said I love you too fast and we meant it until now.
    The bad times outweighed the good and it got to us somehow.

    We always said forever and forever always too,
    but I let you down too many times to make those words come true.

    Today we are worlds apart even in the same room.
    You say we may never rejoin and now is way too soon.

    I cant help but try to express the remorse that I am feeling.
    Hoping that what I say my stop your heart from peeling.

    With every word I write you, I cannot help but think,
    that every word you read could flush me further down the sink

    What I am feeling now hasnt ever been so clear or true.
    I can only believe you feel the same of your feelings too.

    Place them aside once more and let me speak directly to your soul.
    Give our love another chance and removing the pain I've caused will be my only goal.

    The end has come now and I have one more thing to do.
    I want this fairy tale to end in happily ever after, especially for you.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 16, 2007
  20. riot

    riot Guest

    Right now, I've been giving her the space she asked for but her nonchalant attitude about everything is really pissing me off. She is being very cold.

    Also, this cannot possibly be all my fault. She has her down points too. Why the fuck did she not want to talk this out with me? I'm starting to think her friend buzzin in her ear about shit got her thinking this way. It's fucking horseshit.
     
  21. registeredPORK

    registeredPORK Happy Poo Poo

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    I agree, that it's not all your fault. It's her fault, just as well as it is yours but you have to realize that, you can't start assuming all of these things. It's a tough time right now, but I don't think you honestly have time to assume who's talking badly about you to your wife.

    Have faith in your wife. Have faith in yourself.
     
  22. riot

    riot Guest

    I told her yesterday that I really dont want to get back together after all this. I said what I had to say, gave her a hug and got one last kiss. I guess it's a stage that I am going through but its helping me get over this. I would still like to get back with her sometime, but I am just gonna do my own thing and let her do her own thing.
     
  23. Schadenfreude1

    Schadenfreude1 New Member

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    In my experience, a woman needs space when she becomes bored or has met someone else. You are a known quantity, and you are obviously (as evidenced by your first post) willing to take 100% of the blame for the potential failure of this marriage. This whole thing smells like manipulation and her desire to be a victim of an uncaring "selfish" husband.

    Take care of you, get/keep your life in order, and come what may.
     
  24. YourMomOnRyeBun

    YourMomOnRyeBun New Member

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    It takes 2 people to fuck it up too...so not all hope is lost. If the problems are not IN the relationship, but are actually relating to one of you (you mentioned your selfishness) that you might be able to salvage things by YOU changing. Fortunately this is within your control if you want it bad enough.

    I think there is no hope in other situations when you both just "fall out of love" or whatever the real reason is. That is an issue IN the relationship.

    Know what I mean? Or was that just confusing?
     
  25. sway

    sway New Member

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    Wow. Good thread. :hsd:
     

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