So my relationship may almost be over

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Falconer, Jun 13, 2009.

  1. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Just to note, this is unrelated to all the recent threads I have made. Those were just mental masturbation cuz I was bored.


    For the past 1.5 years my relationship with my gf has been awesome. By far the best relationship I've ever had: barely any drama, and she is the sweetest woman I have ever dated. Her interest level in me was always like 100, she was always trying to get close to me, or touch me, or snuggle, or kiss me, or tell me how much she loves me, etc. On days we're not together, we probably text each other 100 times a day with little random things. It's sweet, and I loved it. To give an example, I recently made the half-serious comment that "if I end up having Crohn's, I'm going to move to California so I can get medicinal marijuana" to which she replied "and I would move with you."

    So a week ago, I had a bit of an insecure moment over something. I saw her interest level drop.

    For the next few days, she probably texted me a total of 20 times, and they were super impersonal texts instead of the sweet things she usually sends me. This was confirmation of her loss of interest.

    During those days I was thinking that her drop in interst level was because of my insecurity, but I just had a revelation this morning that it was actually more likely because of how reactive I was, and not so much about the fact that I was insecure. I made a big deal out of something and had a very emotional reaction when I should have stayed more calm. That's actually very out of character for me.

    I went over to her place from Thursday through Saturday morning (now) and the dynamic was very different. She wasn't the super lovey dovey girl that I'd been dating for the last 1.5 years. We still snuggled and had (super hot) sex, but it felt different.

    It scared me. I realized that I'm in a bad place now where I'm afraid of losing her (I would never admit this to her, but I was literally an anxious wreck for a few days last week with no appetite and unable to focus on anything, I had no appetite, etc.) So what did that do? In typical textbook fashion, it made me super needy and clingy. As I was being an idiot and pointing out how things now feel differently between us, I even made the comment that "a month ago you would've moved to California with me, and now I don't think you would." She was like "I dunno, baby." I had a bit of an emo moment while we were together yesterday. I immediately recognized it that it was bad and not helping anything, and then to make matters worse I even said "wow, look at me now, being all needy and clingy. I'm sure this isn't helping anything." lol :hs:

    Anyway, before all this, she also admitted that things feel different between us now, but she still loves me and doesn't want to break up.

    What I am worried about is this: In the past, I have felt how she feels right now, and my gf at the time got super needy and clingy as a result and I ended up dumping her. I think that before last week, my gf was super into me and wouldn't have been interested in any other guy, but I think that now if the situation was right, she might allow herself to become interested in another guy.

    But last night I also had a revelation... I'm done being needy and insecure.

    I'm going to not text her unless she texts me first. I'm going to try to make myself busy so she can see I have other things going on in my life besides her. She knows how I feel, and I can't logically convince her to feel a certain way about me. If she's the right person for me, then this will work out, and if not, then it won't.

    But I'm going to put into play Yail's advice that no one here ever follows: "Nothing makes a girl want to be with you like ignoring her."

    I'm basically just going to try and be extra awesome for a while and hope that she'll get back to the place where she was before so our relationship can get back to how it was before. I'm definitely NOT going to be needy or clingy anymore or send some super needy text like "baby I miss you so much, I hope we can work through this." Like, that's exactly what I'm thinking, but sending a text like that would be counter-productive.

    She knows I'm thinking about her. She doesn't need to be reminded. In fact, doing so would have the opposite effect.

    What I need to do is get HER to be thinking about me the way I am thinking about her right now.

    Of course I'm open to Vag's advice, too. If any of you awesome guys have any last-minute relationship saving advice, I'm all for hearing it.

    I like to believe, though, that if it's meant to be, that one little snag like this in an otherwise wonderful relationship wouldn't bring things to an end.

    I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, no matter how good the memories are (obviously this is easier said than done).
     
  2. bowrofl

    bowrofl New Member

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    You can't really "get her" to do anything. A "drop of interest" like this is normal in a relationship but I don't think you should interpret it as she is losing interest in you. It could be anything, from personal stress going on in her life, or maybe the honeymoon stage is just over for her. That doesn't mean she loves you any less though.

    Mainly, I think your insecurities are just biting you in the ass. I know what it's like, I used to feel the same way. You just need to relax, and trust her. If there is no trust, the relationship is not going to go much further. If it bothers you so much, just calmly have a rational discussion about it with her... ask her if anything has been bothering her lately? I don't know... that was what I thought after reading your post, though. Just another perspective.
     
  3. BlackIce72

    BlackIce72 New Member

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    As far as relationships go you need to completely cut yourself off from PUA stuff and make a SERIOUS SUSTAINED EFFORT to stop analyzing shit so much.

    How many PUAs on those forums are in really awesome healthy relationships?

    Pretty much NONE of them. Yet you go there for relationship advice. Or advice on getting girls in the first place.

    You know all the shit you need to know. So sack the fuck up, use your intuition, and take steps to get over your insecurities.
     
  4. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    .

    I told you your insecurities would push her away eventually.
     
  5. Boy Bravado

    Boy Bravado fuck this

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    I've been in the same spot as you, dude. I had a great girlfriend who was into me and everything else you've described. We broke up last month for the exact same reason. She stopped being interested in me and starting becoming cold toward me, I freaked out and became insecure, and then it all went downhill from there. We talked about it and she dropped the bomb on me "I think it'll be better if we were friends".

    In my moment of anger, I was so vindictive to her, I deleted all of pictures I had of her and us on my Facebook, pretty much deleted all my comments to her, and anything I could find that pertains to her, then removed her as a friend. Not my proudest moment, but I was going through a hard time at the time (work stress, moving back with my parents, shitty school transcript, and now breaking up). I perceived this as her abandoning me when I needed her the most.

    Then the next day she sent me a friend request and I broke down and added her, then I pleaded like a fucking dog to get her back, but the damage was already done. I laid all the cards on the table too soon and now she has the upper hand on me, plus she was so mature about the breaking up.

    Dude... While it seems you still have a better chance than I did, be prepared to lose her. Don't go ballistic and lose your cool like I did. Then maybe there'll be a second chance later on. Just spend time with your friends and take up an hobby, keep your mind off her at all costs.

    I still kick myself in the head daily about my misconduct. I rank it up there as one of my biggest regrets ever. Fuck.
     
  6. Alaya

    Alaya Active Member

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    :werd:

    That being said, :hug: Falconer :hsd:

    It's like you said, if one little snag like this would end an otherwise amazing relationship - it probably wouldn't have endured the test of time anyways, which is better to find out sooner than later [which I know is little comfort right now, but it may be in retrospect should it come to that].

    That being said, stuff like this happens. I have confidence that you can likely work through it. Sometimes people do, sometimes people don't. It isn't necessarily the end all, but if you treat it as such it may turn out to be. Just keep your insecurities in check and do what you know you have to do.
     
  7. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    Drop the PUA shit. You're standing in your own way. You think you're helping the situation but you're are not.

    You ARE going to lose her if you continue to over analyze everything.
     
  8. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    The funny thing is this particular insecurity wasn't even a common one of mine.

    She has a few pretty big insecurities, too, but whenever they get brought up (with somewhat regular frequency), I always try my best to reassure her because I know how much feeling insecure sucks. I'm a pretty compassionate person and it doing so doesn't annoy me.

    Again, I don't think she was necessarily turned off by the fact that it was my insecurity... it was how I reacted. I made a big deal out of something
     
  9. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    To be honest, if I had never studied PUA and social dynamics, then I would've been a blubbering baby while I was at her place yesterday. I would have been apologizing over and over again and telling her that I would do anything to fix things between us and how much I don't want to lose her.

    And then we probably would've broken up immediately after.

    I've been in that situation once before and it doesn't work.

    I've been on the other end of that situation (me losing interest and the other person getting super needy and clingy) and, again, it doesn't work.

    So in that regard, PUA is helping me better understand these social things.
     
  10. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    Wtf... wait... so you're telling us that because you uncharacteristically overreacted you think she's rethinking your year and a half long relationship?

    Here's the thing, the insecurities that are going to push her away aren't the ones you freaked out about the other day. The insecurities that will push her away are the ones that lead you to believe that your relationship is so fragile that you can't make one misstep before her 'interest level' plummets and you try to get her back by not contacting her.

    All this overthinking. All the second guessing. You have a good relationship. :slap: Fucking relax and enjoy it.
     
  11. haargerman

    haargerman ayuh.

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    Wow, you sound exactly like me.

    My GF went from being really nice, would sent random texts, and overall we had a great time together. She just had a sudden loss of interest and I went crazy. Still am, but trying not to show it.
     
  12. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    how did it turn out?
     
  13. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    If you are a settler, then it won't bother you.
     
  14. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    Don't view it as "getting her" to do something. View it as doing her the favor of giving her the form of love that she is able to receive. The form that involves less emotional reactivity, more challenge, etc.

    Also, dude, don't go 100% in the opposite direction of needy / clingy, because that is reactive!!!!!!

    In other words you still want to have an attractive amount of vulnerability.

    You need to just get back to a happy medium.
     
  15. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    this whole thing makes me even more :wtf: with women than I was before.

    I see myself becoming paranoid that, at any point, a women can go from hardcore attraction to uninterested.

    How can you relax and enjoy a relationship knowing that at any random moment it can turn?
     
  16. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    can you be a little more specific? I'm confused.
     
  17. Diesel66

    Diesel66 My standards for women is like rent-a-centers stan OT Supporter

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    except it's your own mind causing the issue.
     
  18. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    I never had that insecurity because I never thought that could possibly happen in this relationship, therefore it's not that insecurity that is causing this.
     
  19. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    P.S. When you get those nasty feelings... write them down. Then if you want to share them a week later, go ahead. But give it time to rest before angsting out on your girlfriend.
     
  20. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    Really??

    OK. Look, your girlfriend can accept love in a certain form (when it has a certain level of high-value behavior attached to it), but not in the form that society (arbitrarily) deems to be "clingy/needy/fearful."

    This is not how every girl is, but this is how your girlfriend is. So. Do her the favor of giving her love in a form she can take.

    I'm just reframing. We're saying the same thing, I'm just putting it in a better frame for you to think about it.

    Instead of thinking about "getting her to be interested," think about "doing her the favor of giving her love in a form she can receive."

    Because the current form of love that you WERE giving her was a form of love she could NOT receive, as evidenced by 20 impersonal text messages.
     
  21. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    Diesel, even if true, that advice just sticks a guy with mind issues into an infinite loop.

    "It is just in my mind, so if I think differently it will be fine."
    "But wait, I can't approach this by thinking differently because my mind has issues."
    etc.
     
  22. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    the next time I'm supposed to see her is on Thursday after work. She has Friday off so she's supposed to take the train over to my place after work on Friday.

    Hopefully I can play it cool until then.
     
  23. Joybang

    Joybang New Member

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    His SO is also like 5000 miles away for a few months.
     
  24. Diesel66

    Diesel66 My standards for women is like rent-a-centers stan OT Supporter

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    fair enough.

    Sad thing is he's using a very low meter of what's up. My texting can sometimes be all day long, or it can be near zero. Depends on how I feel, if busy or not, etc..
     
  25. knucks

    knucks Active Member

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    Yeah, it happens, what seems like, all the time to me and I still haven't learned what to do.

    Best advice is not to try to analyze it because that will just make you go nuts.
     

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