So my friend's gf says to him...

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Falconer, Nov 22, 2006.

  1. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    I feel like a chick with all the stuff my friend gossips to me about his gf... :mamoru:

    Anyway, the only reason I'm posting this is because I almost see where his gf is coming from, and because I've learned so much here, I need to check my opinion with other Vagers.

    The situation:

    My friend lives with another friend. He has an hour commute to and from work. His gf lives about 30 min from where HE works, so she's like "why don't you stay with me a few nights a week?" Nice, right? Oh, he usually spends the weekends over there, too (I know because the bastard never hangs out with us anymore).

    So today he tells me that last night his gf basically said that she either wants him to "move in" or "only come over 2 days a week." She said she's sick of him staying there for free while she pays rent.

    Alright, at first, I was like "dude, you have your own rent to pay." But then I was like "no, wait, I think I see where she is coming from." But THEN, I thought that the thing about "or else only see me 2 days a week" is BS because a) it's an ultimatum (I think ultimatums are BS) and b) if she really wanted to see him, she would still want him to come over as much as possible, right? I think she is being manipulative.

    My friend doesn't want to move in with her right now because they have a, um, volatile past, and he doesn't feel comfortable moving in at this point. He said even tho he's pretty much over there 4 or 5 nights a week, he still likes having his own place because it provides a "safety net."

    I think if I were in the reverse situation, I wouldn't mind having a live-in gf, and I wouldn't charge her rent I don't think, either.

    So, what does the Vag think?
     
  2. R6_rider

    R6_rider Pure Awesomeness

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    well my girlfriend spends alot of time over my house, longest is 4 days in a row, i never considered asking her to pay rent, although i own the house. but i can see if i was in the reverse situation i wouldnt feel the same way hangin at my girlfriends house the same way, i just wouldnt feel comfortable.
    maybe ur friend's girl wants him to move in but just being really stupid about it. Does she have roommates? if she does then maybe they are complaining about him being over for such an extended period of time, if ur friend moves in the roommates could go. they just need to talk CALMLY about it cuz it sounds like the chick may get defensive if ur friend asks her the reason why she wants him to move in.
     
  3. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    Frankly I think I can see where she's comming from as well; if he's there in her place, using her stuff, utilities, or whatever, he SHOULD be willing to contribute at least SOMETHING to the expenses for said residence.

    Now, here's the kicker: does SHE ever stay with him at HIS place?


    Also, aside from that issue, if I were your friend I would seriously start re-evaluating the relationship as a whole. For her to even offer the "only come over 2 days a week" thing as an option, it sends up a HUGE red flag to me. It doesn't sound like she's really dedicated to the relationship, and depending on if he's thinking he wants to be "in it for the long haul" or not, she may not share his motives/goals.
     
  4. dipset420

    dipset420 New Member

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    I think the GF giving the ulitmatum is BS. fuck that
     
  5. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    What she is doing is testing him to see if he wants to take the next step and make a larger commitment to the relationship. He is playing it "safe" as you mention, which to her means that he is NOT willing to commit. Basically, she thinks she is being treated like a booty call.

    This is his big red flag that he either needs to commit or she's going to dump him, or otherwise make his life miserable until he dumps her.

    [Note: This is what is going through my head as I think about this: "Hang on folks, the ride is about to start, and it's going to be a bumpy ride!"]

    He has been failing the "man test" so to speak by not committing to her. He's about to get the boot if he doesn't wake up. However, considering the volatile past, as you mention, I doubt it will work out in the long run. He clearly has his reasons for not wanting to get committed to her, because he instinctively *knows* it's the wrong thing. I would suggest to him to REALLY examine his relationship and ask himself if he wants to marry her, because that is next on her agenda. If he is not 110% (yes, over 100%) thrilled to be with her, and she is not the perfect woman for him, I would suggest he REALLY think about backing out until he can find the woman who he has no qualms marrying.
     
  6. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Commitment issues/tests aside...if he's staying over there 5 nights a week, he SHOULD contribute to the rent. Otherwise he's just getting a free roof over his head. If he's eating her food and things like that too, he has even more reason to contribute.

    If the girl was coming over to his place 5 nights a week, I'm sure he'd feel the same way. He really does need to quit taking advantage of her hospitality.
     
  7. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    No, she has a single apartment.

    My friend makes abotu 40% more than her. He kind of thinks she just wants him to move in so she can save more money.

    She used to. He has 3 roommates now. She lives alone.

    That's kind of what I was thinking. She sounds dedicated enough to want to live together, but wants to see him less if he doesn't move in? wtf kind of female indecision is that?

    If he was living at home or somethign I could see her wanting him to help pay the bills, but he has his own bills to pay where he lives now.

    I'm bothered by it because the conclusion I keep coming to is that she is basically saying: I only want to spend time with you if you give me money.

    See, HER bills won't change regardless of if he comes over or not. His being there does not affect her rent. He pays for his own food, he might user her toilet paper or something but whatever. It's not like spending time with him is costing HER money.

    He's very willing to commit, and she knows that. His reason for not wanting to move in is not an issue of commitment; it's an issue of he's not positive it's going to work out. He doesn't want to be "stuck" there if it doesn't.

    That's kinda what I was thinking, too.

    He has his own place, too, that he's paying rent on. His concern is that what if he moves in and it doesn't work out and he has to move out in a few weeks? Right now, if that happened, he could just go back to his own place.

    He used to live by himself, and she would come over a lot, too. Now she doesn't go stay with him because a) he lives far away and b) he has 3 roommates now.

    Check this out. As I was posting this, he FWDed me an email she just wrote him:

    Hey,

    Just want to let you know that I've been thinking all morning and I have decided that we are not going to be seeing each other during the week as much as we have been lately. I feel that you have taken advantage of me whether you see it or not. I am not giving an ultimatum I am letting you know that we will see each other a few times a week and if you want more than that, you will have to figure out a way to help me with things. Especially the past few months you have been "living" with me for the majority of the time. Within that time, I have paid for everything inside and outside of the apartment, including bills, rent, and food. With little to no help from you. You have taught me a lesson, that lesson is I should not have to pay for your company or your time with me. Those have been your words to me and they also now apply to you.

    Hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving and I'm sure we'll talk soon.

    I understand where she's coming from, but her methods for going about this suck royally.
     
  8. enfiniti

    enfiniti How firm thy friendship ... OHIO!

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    should write a reply back and say


    I was doing that same stuff last year, I was living at my girlfriends 6 days a week. Her rent was 500/month and mine was 700/month. So I was paying a ton of money for an apartemnt I wasnt even setting foot in and most of the time just used it as a parking spot close to campus. She gave me the "hey since you are over here why dont you pay for rent" and I gave her back the "hey I guess I will now be spending more time in the apartment I am paying for"

    women...
     
  9. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Well he lives with 3 other people so he's not paying that much. He's even not on the lease so he can leave whenever he wants. She knows this.

    I think I don't like this situation because it seems like she's calling the shots. "You can come stay with me if." "I will let you be with me if." Does it seem that way to you guys, too? Am I the only one thinking she should be saying "I like it when you stay with me..." "I want you to stay with me and we can work out something." She's being a bitch, methinks.
     
  10. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    The "women" line doesn't apply here. Regardless of the fact that he has his own place, if he's staying there for 5 days of the week, he's practically living there. It 's completely reasonable for her to want her unoffical roommate to help pay the bills. If he doesn't feel that's reasonable, he needs to go back to living at his place for the majority of the time.

    The women in this topic (the ones who have people over all the time) are simply saying, if you're going to pretty much live here, you should contribute. It's completely understandable and reasonable.

    To those who say "but he's already paying bills for his apartment"....why is he not living there then?

    Basically, this whole "him spending the night over there all the time" thing needs to stop.

    1. It's taking advantage of the gf.
    2. It's illogical and wasteful...he's paying for a place where he doesn't really live.
    3. If he complains about paying too much (aka for his place and to help her) then he needs to go back to living more at his place, or live with her.

    Flip the situation around guys...if a woman was spending all the time at your place, living there, and not helping at all, wouldn't you get a little upset about it?
     
  11. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    sorry for the double post...but you're reading too much into the control/power aspect of it I think.

    As I asked in my last post...if it was the girl spending all the time at the guy's place, wouldn't you think it was reasonable for the guy to want her to contribute?
     
  12. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    You're all missing the point:

    She doesn't give a rat's ass about money. She wants a commitment. No matter what she says about money, the GOAL is to get him to move it. The rent is simply a tool to distract stupid men who like to solve problems. We all look at it and say "Oh, well $700/mo + utilities is this and that and I can fix it by doing this blah, blah, blah."

    Women look at this and say "Why doesn't he love me enough to move in?" She is feeling the fact that he is NOT living with her. He is NOT the provider, he is NOT there for her 100%. He is a child, not a father. The child comes home every once in a while. The father lives there.

    He's about to get dumped.

    If he's so worried about being stuck, just remember to save enough money to move out at any time, which is usually around $1,000, in an account that she does not know about.

    As mentioned, if he's not 110% sure she is the right one for him, he needs to make a break. Things are going to get worse.

    Notice, also, that she is taking control of the relationship. She is calling the shots, like a mother would to a child. The balance of power in this relationship is skewed if she thinks she can be so bold as to give him an ultimatum. If my SO and I were in that situation and she sent me an email like that, she'd get a talking to and I would let her know that her tone was unacceptable and her method of dealing with this issue is clearly not about this issue, but the fact that she wants to spend more time with me. Then we could talk.
     
  13. dscallaway69

    dscallaway69 New Member

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    I have one problem with this whole situation. She asked him to start staying over there more. It is not fair for her to ask him to stay there more and then tell him if he is going to do it he needs to pay for it. she should have brought this up a lot sooner.

    I understand where you friend is coming from. I actually just got done going through all of this with my g/f. we stay at her place 5-7 nights a week and she never stays at my place. I still keep my own apartment though for a "safety net". If he is not ready to move then he shouldn't do it.

    Also, her giving him a ultimatum is just immature. There is no reason she should be doing that. I think he needs to reevaluate the whole relationship.
     
  14. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Ding ding ding. My point exactly.

    She used to stay at his place a lot back when he lived by himself. He never asked her to contribute anything.

    See, if he stays at her place, her rent is $x per month. If he doesn't stay at her place, her rent is still $x per month. That's why I cannot completely justify what she is asking. It's not like he's living off of her. It's not like he's increasing her expenses.
     
  15. Lindsay Loo

    Lindsay Loo ミ★ Mikel's POZ Partner ミ★

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    honestly she just wants him to commit. if a guy and a girl are staying together that much then shes thinking what the difference in him living there with her. i think that if theyre gonna live together though that they need to just start over fresh at a new place. :)

    but i think shes going about it the wrong way.
     
  16. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    she is being a huge bitch about this either way. What kind of person talks to someone they care about like that? :wtf:
     
  17. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    :werd:

    And it's ridiculous to expect someone to pay half your rent when they have their own rent to pay. He should buy food for them if he's there all the time but there's no reason he needs to be paying her bills if she asked him to be there.
     
  18. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    So....

    Updates?
     
  19. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Not yet. Everyone's home for Thanksgiving. I agree, tho; her email was uber-bitchy.
     
  20. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Alright, so I talked to my friend yesterday.

    edit - I've added my own comments in, called "Falconer note"s, in italics. The section I marked with an asterisk I want to make a sub-discussion within this thread, because I've had experience with this as well.

    He said they talked over the weekend and his gf was like "fine, forget it. I guess we'll see each other when we see each other then." (wtf does that mean?) He emailed me their phone conversation. Here you go:

    Him: "look, the reason I don't feel comfortable moving in with you is because of the volatility of our fights."
    Her: "fights are normal in a relationship, duh. You need to stop expecting everything to be perfect" (Falconer note: holy disrespectful with the "duh").
    Him: "I know, it's not that we fight, it's how we fight. I don't want to move in until I'm comfortable with things, and I mean specifically when things are not good between us. I should still feel comfortable, even when we're fighting."
    Her: "Whatever. You just don't want to move in because you're talking to (another girl) behind my back and you can't give that up." (Falconer note: No, he's not talking to anyone else, but she always accuses him of doing so)
    Him: "Again, no I'm not. But you're proving my point; you're presumptuous and I don't want to move into an environment like this..."
    Her: "Whatever. You have commitment issues."
    Him: "If I had commitment issues I wouldn't be trying to work things out with you. I would give up because it would be easier."
    Her: "That's ok, because you don't even have the option of moving in anymore. You think you're going to get to live here for free, but you're not. I guess I'll see you when I see you" (Falconer note: again, wtf does that mean?)
    Him: "So when things don't go your way on your time schedule, you get pissed off and give ultimatums? You're proving to me that I made the right choice to not move in with you. A relationship should be a team effort, not a power struggle."
    Her: "Whatever. You're so full of bullshit. It's one excuse right after the other."
    Him: "Again, you're convincing me I made the right choice. What would have been nice to hear would have been 'ok honey, well, I'd like for you to move in with me, but I can understand why you're unsure about things right now...' and then see YOU meet me halfway in an effort to try and fix things."
    Her: "Whatever. You love to tell me what I should do."
    Him: "That was what I said I would like to have heard, in a respectful relationship. I wasn't telling you to do anything."
    Her: "Whatever." (Falconer note: do chicks say "whatever." when they've been proven wrong? Or does it mean they don't give a shit?)
    Him: "So because I won't move in with you when you want me to, you don't want me to come over anymore? What kind of relationship do we have when my gf doesn't even want to see me?"
    Her: "We can still see each other, you just can't come over anymore."
    Him: "Uh... yeah. It really doesn't sound like you're interested or have our best interests in mind."
    Her: "It doesn't sound like YOU give a shit about ME, or else you'd move in."
    Him: "Again, I've told you why I'm not comfortable moving in, and you're certainly not making me feel any more comfortable with this conversation."

    -etc-

    He said the phone call was over an hour, but that was the jist of it.

    Then he said at the end, he had to go cuz he was at the store, so he's like "alright, I have to go. I'll email you tomorrow at work." She's like "fine." He's like "bye honey." She hangs up.

    *I think not saying "bye" is bitchy. Apparently she does this a lot when she's pissed off. Personally, I think it's important to maintain tact and a sense of politeness and respect, even when you're pissed off. I would actually like to make this a sub-topic within this thread: do you feel it's important to maintain a sense of tact when in a fight with your SO? Why or why not? I feel doing so is a sign of maturity and respect for the other person .

    So he texts her: "Did you forget to say 'bye' again?"
    Her: "Whatever."
    Him: "Does that mean 'yes' or 'no'?"
    Her: "What?" (Falconer note: omg how could she not know what he's talking about)
    Him: "I asked if you forgot to say 'bye.' You replied 'whatever.' I asked if that meant 'yes' or 'no.'"
    Her: -no reply-

    Wow. :ugh:
     
    Last edited: Nov 27, 2006
  21. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    That is all I needed to read. She is saying: You don't want to commit to me, you don't need to worry about seeing me. I predict that your friend is going to be dumped very soon.

    Yes, she went about this the wrong way, but she has already made up her mind.
     
  22. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    The reason I have such an interest in this drama is because it reminds me very much of how one of my exes acted.

    I kind of disagree with what you are saying, tho. My friend is VERY committed to her. He doesn't want to move in because she's being a nutcase. He told me that if she was acting differently, ie. was respectful and would talk about issues rather than jumping to conclusions and being a bitch, he would have moved in already.

    And his conversation with her reminds me of my ex because he's basically illustrating exactly what is wrong, and rather than her saying "oh ok, I see where you're coming from, let's work on that," (which would imply an interest in the relationship), she's instead getting bitchy on him.

    edit - I wish I knew what to tell him. That's why I'm posting here. I broke up with my ex when she chose to be a bitch rather than calmly and maturely discussing our problems (over a period of months), but I thought the seduction guys here might be able to give my friend some advice so he can work some magic and fix things in his relationship. She's very hot and cold, and when things are going well, I've never seen my friend happier. I know how he feels. I almost feel like he should give HER an ultimatum (stop being a short-tempered bitch or I'm gone, but at the same time know that there's nothing we can't calmly discuss and work through), but that's childish and playing her game...
     
    Last edited: Nov 27, 2006
  23. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Falconer, I didn't say anything about the level of committment from your friend. I was just saying that it looks like his gf saw that he wasn't going to move in with her, and made up her mind.

    My translation was for what SHE was thinking. I guarantee, she's made up her mind already.
     
  24. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Oh, so the fact that she's being unreasonable and won't discuss things calmly and rationally and has already made up her mind should be proof to him that she's not good gf material?
     
  25. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    I don't see it lasting either way. The way she is doing things shows that she isn't handling this in a mature fashion...that is a good enough reason to dump her.

    However, she''ll probably dump him first. She's halfway there. She basically gave him a commitment test (although she did phrase it/bring it up in the wrong way).

    Your friend said no (because of the way she handled it).

    However, she doesn't really notice or care about the way she brought it up. All she cares about is his answer. This is what is going on in her head:

    "I asked him to move in with me, he said no, I'm done with him".

    She clearly shows she has checked out of the relationship with that ""fine, forget it. I guess we'll see each other when we see each other then" comment.
     

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