SRS So it looks like my engagement may never take the next step.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Dr. Woo, Jan 16, 2007.

  1. Dr. Woo

    Dr. Woo Guns don't kill people

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    So it looks like my engagement may never take the next step. (UPDATE! It's over.)

    My fiancée and I are at a huge roadblock. Here's the situation.

    I'm from Virginia Beach. My family is all there, which makes it convenient, but the real reason I want to move back is because of a HUGE job opportunity that would suit my skills and make for a very lucrative career. It would mean financial stability and great educational value. My father is able to hook me up because he knows most of the guys standing up this new infrastructure.

    She lives in Cincinnati. It's about a 12 hour drive from my hometown. She's never lived outside of home for all 22 years of her life. She is supremely uncomfortable with the prospect of leaving all of her friends and family behind, and told me that if she were to move in with me in Virginia Beach, she'd be "abandoning" her grandmother, who gives her guilt trips about leaving. I'm positive that she and possibly her mother have fostered this guilt to the point where she'd rather just stay home.

    We've been engaged since December 15, and I think it was rushed. We always knew this was an issue, but I was under the impression that she would move to where I would have a good career opportunity what with all of our discussions about being financially stable. Apparently this isn't the case.

    So now we're at this roadblock and I don't see her changing her mind. We've been together for about a year and a half now, but we've known each other for over 6 years. It really rubs me the wrong way when I think about her using the term "abandoning" when she refers to moving in with the love of her life.

    I mean, I can understand her hesitation to this. All she's ever known is home, and I know how it was to move out when I was 20. It was to go to Basic Training, so mine was a bit harsher than this hypothetical (which, up until yesterday, was all but a certainty), but I can still understand it and respect it.

    This is the biggest point I made to her last night: I'm not the kind of person who wants to put her into a situation where she's being forced to choose. None of this "what's it gonna be?" pressure. If she is on the fence about this, then I will do what I can to ease her decision. If she's this hesitant, then I don't think this was meant to work in the first place.

    It's funny...I'm not all that torn up about it for some reason. Maybe it's all for the best... :hsughno:

    EDIT: Well, it's official. We're no longer together as of the 18th. We're going to remain very very good friends and the breakup was very mutual, very intelligent, and uneventful...but still painful.
     
    Last edited: Jan 19, 2007
  2. Crush

    Crush Epidural hematoma up in this bitch

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    Be understanding, but not a doormat. When a woman marries a man, she puts her old family behind her and forges a new one with her mate.

    Good luck.
     
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2007
  3. Dr. Woo

    Dr. Woo Guns don't kill people

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    It sounds to me like she isn't ready for that.
     
  4. Gregsaidthat

    Gregsaidthat "Individuality is the new conformity"

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    You have to look at it this way. If she isn't ready then she isn't ready. Now her mom and grandmother putting a guilt trip on her is stupid if you ask me. I just think that they don't want to see their baby leave their side! The best thing might be for you to leave and follow this HUGE job opportunity. If she realizes what she has lost and wants to come out there then let her. If not then it probably wasn't meant to be! Good luck to you. Hope everything works and keep us updated!
     
  5. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    Tell her you two need some time. While taking that time, move to virginia. When she finally comes around to wanting to talk about it tell her she's gonna have to drive because, although you didn't want to force HER to make a decision it wasn't going to prevent YOU from making one.

    Then make another thread titled "the engagement is formally off".
     
  6. Gregsaidthat

    Gregsaidthat "Individuality is the new conformity"

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    ....then we can help you through that!
     
  7. Crush

    Crush Epidural hematoma up in this bitch

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    First round is on me! For all you northern virginia(ers)
     
  8. johan

    johan Active Member

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    I don't think she's ready to marry you. I don't think she understands the fullness of what all is meant in that concept.
     
  9. The Secretary

    The Secretary My domestic skills will rock your socks off!

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    This is something that will probably present itself to my bf and I if we ever get engaged.

    He lives with his parents and I live with my parents 3 hours away.

    Ive expressed to him that I would like him to move here if we were to get married because I have a lot deeper family roots here, and his mother and I have a mutal extreme dislike for each other. Id rather not deal with her drama that she creates and makes everyones life hell. Hes objected it thus far because he doesnt want to move away from his parents. So the crossroads has ensued. We are nowhere near engagement at this point but its a possibity I guess. But its still an issue with me.

    Good luck to you in finding out what you need. (key word is need)
    Please do not rush anything especially marriage. She will be there if she is the one, though indecisiveness is very frustrating. Your young let it pan out and see.
     
  10. deviant

    deviant rest your trigger on my finger

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    what's the rush to get married? :dunno: she's only 22 (i don't know how old you are), and personally i think that's too young for anyone to get married anyway. :hs: if you guys are having fun together now, then just keep at that and see where it goes from here. i don't think you need to force anything when at least one of you is that young, but that's just my .02 :o
     
  11. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

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    Sorry about the situation... while I don't think I can blame your fiancee for fearing detachment from her family and her home, it DOES reveal that she just isn't ready for you and for marriage. :hsd:
     
  12. Dr. Woo

    Dr. Woo Guns don't kill people

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    Precisely.

    I harbor no ill will to her. I still love her, and very very deeply. But if it can't end up the way we envisioned it, then...well, that's all there is to it. I can understand her situation, which is why I don't want to throw her into a forced decision-making mode.
     
  13. Cthalupa

    Cthalupa New Member

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    I'm going to have to toss my hat in with the people who are saying "She isn't ready for marriage/doesn't understand what it truly means, so tell her you guys are taking a break and you're moving".

    If she calls you up in a bit of time and decides that she really does want to marry you - that's cool. If she says she can't do it, that's cool too. Plenty of time left for other relationships, etc. Can't alway step up to the plate and hit a home run.
     
  14. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    A woman does not have to give up her family simply because she gets married. This is the 21st century, not 1600.
     
  15. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    Women "vote" with their feet. If she is not willing to make a move for the man she loves, then she probably does not love you enough.

    People move. It's the way of life. Things change.

    What's next? Is this how she is going to handle all big issues?

    (My fiancée has already moved three times with me!)
     
  16. Dr. Woo

    Dr. Woo Guns don't kill people

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    My Dad just gave me some great advice:

    "People with strong opinions on everything--even things that aren't fundamental to who you are--seldom can make a marriage work. We all have to identify those things that are fundamental to us, and then, in a marriage, let the other things go. It's in the area of fundamentals that you absolutely must have compatibility. If even one fundamental causes friction, marriage won't work. Often folks get married before they even understand what those fundamentals are for them. It happened to me. We all evolve as human beings, with that evolution in the highest rate of change in about the 18 to 25 year old timeframe, and then gradually slowing down up through 30. We're actually identifying our fundamentals throughout. I'm sure if you look at divorce rates by age when married, you'll find that for the teens and early-to-mid 20s they're triple that of the post-30 crowd. I think your engagement has prompted [your fiancée] to start defining her fundamentals."
     
  17. Elphaba

    Elphaba New Member

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    True. But a relationship is about compromise and working together, it doesnt seem like she's willing to work with him at all. I wouldnt expect her to just pick-up and leave for no good reason but if the person you love and expect to be with for the rest of your life has a great opportunity, well, I think that changes things. I dont think it was anyones intention to imply that she's supposed to cut off all contact or love for her mother or grandma. They're still her family too.

    Also true.
    I see your point that in this situation, you have a great job opportunity, and I dont think you should give that up. Ask her what she would expect you to do if the situation was reversed. Would she expect you to leave your family in VA Beach and move where ever her great new opportunity was? Maybe a little perspective on her part will help.
     
  18. Dr. Woo

    Dr. Woo Guns don't kill people

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    Well, I just got off the phone with her...and we're officially no longer romantically together. :sad2:

    And the thing is...I'd just taken a nap before we got on the phone and had a nightmare about us. We hadn't officially broken up and she was already going out with her friends as a "single girl." Ugh. This is pretty rough.
     
  19. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Asylum is never wrong. Sorry about your loss. Well, you think of it now as a loss.

    But eventually you will come to realize that on this day, you were set free.
     
  20. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    God damn. You're a lucky son.
     

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