SRS So is this really my only cure for mental illness/depression? (Anonymous Post)

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Darketernal, May 1, 2009.

  1. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    I don't really know how to say this so I'll keep it an anonymous post. I've had a LOT of issues growing up. Probably more issues than my mind could have handled, especially when I was a child.

    It's left me pretty screwed up. I don't care for therapists/psychologists, at all. I don't like how they pretend to listen and pretend to care and greedily take your money as if that's all that matters. The few I've seen I haven't talked to long enough for them to make a proper diagnosis because I worry so much that they're going to take me away and lock me up. Besides I have yet to find a therapist that actually listens. They just want to take the latest hot drug on the market and shove it down your throat without caring what's wrong with you.

    I've been on several meds including Seroquel, Paxil, Wellbutrin, and Risperdal over the past 4 years. They either turn me into an emotionless zombie or make things much much worse. I rather live life with neither of those affects and deal with my mental issues.

    So things have pretty much become hopeless. I feel like I'm actually getting worse and worse as time goes on and there's nothing I can do about it. Recently a friend at work has seen me fall deeper and deeper into depression and we had a long talk about all the things going on in my life and how nothing I've been prescribed has helped.

    His suggestion? To smoke with him. And I did. I used to when I was younger and in high school mostly to fit in with the friends I hung around with. I never remembered the feeling though. I never knew it made all the voices shut up and actually allowed me to see through the clouds and enjoy the world.

    I was able to look at myself and not want to throw up. I was able to genuinely smile and enjoy the company of my friend. I haven't feel like that in years.

    I know it's a drug and that's the effect it has. It seems to take away some of my brain function in all the right places to give me these rose colored glasses. I know it's just a temporary effect. But you know what? I don't care.

    I've been on prescription drugs before and they can't touch how I felt that night. They can't touch how I feel right now. That same friend asked me to hang out with him after work and I feel great right now. I came home, I cleaned up, I showered, I cooked some food, I watched a little TV. I mean it's like I'm a normal person. On a normal night I come home, get undressed on the way to bed, and just lie down and cry. Or I'll pace around my room for a few hours arguing with myself over things I did during the day. Or I spend all night trying to read or listen to music or distract my mind in any way possible to shut it all up.

    I'm scared. What if this is the only thing that helps? What if the only time I'll ever not feel like I want to be dead is when I'm stoned? I don't want to turn into a stoner. I saw what it did to my friends in school. I don't want to become that. But I don't want the only time I smile be when I'm thinking of different ways to exit this life, this body, and this world.

    The only reason I'm even able to write this is because it's given me the courage to talk about it. This is normally stuff that only goes on in my head. I dare not speak of any of it. I just don't know what to do.
     
  2. DrK_Mrk_iV

    DrK_Mrk_iV OT Supporter

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    That's funny you mention that. I am in the same similar situation as you are. VERY screwed up child hood and depression because the person I loved the most died, my girlfriend of 3 years dumped me on that day and money problems shortly thereafter. I thought it was over for me. Smoking pot with potheads is a good way to get some shit off your shoulders (but don't blather on for hours about it). It certainly has helped me a lot and I'm pretty damn happy at this point in my life.

    Bro, I smoke pot on a daily basis (more or less) for years. I was on the dean's list in college, interned at NASA and DOE, and now have an excellent job waiting for me in Texas. What are you afraid of? I've met all my friends through smoking circles and wouldn't trade most of them for the world.

    So, it sounds like you need an esteem lift, some friends, herb, a hobby or two and possibly a short term goal or two, like working for habitat for humanity or investing some money in the stock market and following that. Constructive stuff that offsets the gannge. Hope this helped.
     
  3. Victoriono

    Victoriono New Member

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    Have you tried exercising? Eating well? Getting enough sleep? Going out and socializing? Being passionate about something/Finding something your passionate about?

    I think you have tried all the options that are easy. Time to man up buddy.
     
  4. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    your estrogen levels could be too high, your test levels could be too low, your prolactin levels could be too high, your thyroid could be fucked up all leading to possible depression

    have your amazing competent doctors checked any of these?

    oh and +1 to everything Vic has said
     
  5. Ford4Life

    Ford4Life Guest

    Smoking weed is only masking it, as soon as you come down you'll be the same miserable bastard you were before.

    Personally, I'm pretty depressed right now to, and I have been for a while. Sometimes I think of suicide. Within the last month, I have tried to start eating better. I stopped drinking any type of soda, water only now, and have been looking into which exercise program would be best for me. Hell, from the no soda alone in the last month I have lost 15 pounds, and I feel a little better. Take baby steps, if you are depressed already if you try for some huge goal, you'll probably end up more depressed because of disappointment.

    Just go for a walk sometimes to clear your head. I know it sounds kind of retarded, but it helps. When I get to feeling pretty shit I go for a walk around the neighborhood for an hour, sometimes more, and I usually feel a little better when I come back.
     
  6. notcreative

    notcreative New Member

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    you seem to have only a negative view of "stoners". There are alot of your typical guys who smoke pot and do nothing, no ambitions or life. But there are alot of those who enjoy weed and can balance it with life. If it helps you, it's a HOLE lot better than prescription drugs.

    give yourself some goals, when you smoke, go for a walk, go to the park, do something that gets you out a little. Read some books on philosophy, meditate, etc... It's better than pacing in your room dwelling on the negatives of life.
     
  7. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    seirously your hormones may be all fucked up go get a full blood panel done
     
  8. Genghis.Tron

    Genghis.Tron New Member

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    You most likely didn't see a psychologist since the ones you saw actually prescribed meds (which means that they are psychiatrists, not psychologists).
     

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