So.. I'm seeing a married woman

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by scrotomus, Jul 4, 2006.

  1. scrotomus

    scrotomus you're a scumbag

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    to give some background
    her husband works a lot.. like 20 hours a day
    known her for about 2 months, I see her almost everyday, she stops by my house for a beer or a glass of wine or whatever then goes home... we talk all the time, text messages and emails when we are at work.
    she is quite a bit younger than me - 24, i am 29, she has been married 2 years.
    we talk about everything, she said she was happy in her marriage until she met me..but ive made her realize that there is more to life, and that she never really believed in love until she met me.
    this girl is pretty much perfect for me - except for the married part. we have never slept together, although we have been pretty close. she talks about leaving him sometimes, but I get mixed signals... she always says she is confused or doesnt know what to do, or scared of her feelings or whatever else... however she also tells me that she could see herself having kids with me, and not her husband.

    I heard her husband is gay... i dont know if it is true, but he doesnt have much interest in her romantically (this girl is absolutely gorgeous by the way). lately he has told her not to hang around with me and a friend of mine so much, so she is kinda on lockdown a bit, we still email and talk as much as we can.
    there are no kids involved but I also dont want to be 'that guy' I already fucked around with a married woman before and it didnt end up very well... kinda feel like an idiot for not learning my lesson... wasnt really planning on this happening though... think im developing pretty strong feelings for this girl and I could see myself with her in the future. i know she is torn between what she has and what could be i guess
    i read a few articles about dating married women, and none of them say anything good about the outcome... but a close friend of mine says his brother in law went through almost the same situation and everything worked out.

    so... just wondering what I should do I guess... do i give it a certain time before saying "see ya"
    do i say fuckit and break it off?
    keep being there for her and wait and see what happens?
    back off a bit?

    is there any hope?

    dunno... guess im looking for some more opinions here... theres a lot more to it, but i guess that is the gyst, i will answer any questions if there are any
     
  2. LikkleBaer

    LikkleBaer New Member

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    You have to accept that she'll probably never leave her husband, and even if she does, she needs to leave him and have space on her own before she enters any other relationships. No matter how shitty the marriage, most women feel tremendous guilt for cheating, and you could end up being the one that's left feeling used.

    Be her friend, but be very careful about offering more until you know what she expects long-term. Two months is not a long time to know someone.
     
  3. scrotomus

    scrotomus you're a scumbag

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    she said that if(when) she leaves her husband she will get a place of her own, she still has tremendous respect for the marriage, so that is why we arent having sex i guess
     
  4. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Meh...break it off now. As Dr. Phil says, Anything they'll do WITH you, they will do TO you.

    You are obviously attracted to married women. And don't give me this crap about...it just sorta happens. It happens cuz you put yourself in these situations so when you start developing feelings, you can say you aren't consciously stalking another mans wife. Grow up and take responsibility for your actions!! You are making a conscious choice to persue another man's wife! Go find your own wife and stop pursuing other men's wives.

    When I find myself in similar situations (and I have...many, many times) I make a conscious choice to END THE RELATIONSHIP ASAP. No matter what...I never let it progress to the level you have allowed it to go. I tell the woman, when you're single, call me...untill then, don't!!! Not under any circumstances.

    EVERYTHING about their relationship is irrelevant except for the fact that they ARE MARRIED. End of story, leave married women alone.....find your own single woman.
     
  5. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Be a friend, but that's it. Also, it sounds like you're pushing the limits of a friendship with all the time you spend with her...back off a little.

    Don't hold out any hope, because it's probably not worth it in the long run. The whole "she'll break up with him eventually and come to you" line... how often have you heard a woman saying that about when she is having an affair with a married man? How often does it actually happen?

    I suggest breaking it off, or at least long enough for you to get your feelings under control. Realistically, she probably won't end the marriage for you. If you keep this up, it will only hurt you...she will be splitting up the benefits of a good relationship between two people. She'll be getting financial and other tangible support from her husband, while getting emotional support from you. She probably already has a lot invested in this marriage.

    My advice in a nutshell. Very rarely have I heard of a marriage truly being ended so one of the partners can move on to someone else. Accept that it isn't going to happen, and move on before you get yourself in a non-win situation (although it sounds like you might already be there).

    Oh, and some of what you may be feeling might be you wanting to rescue her from a bad marriage. Ask yourself: What would you do if she got divorced? Where would the relationship go? What is it you are expecting/wanting from her?

    Oh, and from your last post...she's pretty much using you for everytthing she's not gettting from her husband.

    Cliffs: Bad idea, it will go nowhere, you will just be hurt. Back off now.
     
  6. LikkleBaer

    LikkleBaer New Member

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    Mmm, if she's serious about leaving her husband then she'll respect you more for refusing to take it to that level while she's with him.

    Ask yourself if you're happy to be her secret affair?

    And like Coottie said, maybe you like these sort of hopeless relationships. You need to ask yourself why you're attracted to women you can't have.
     
  7. scrotomus

    scrotomus you're a scumbag

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    naaa not into married women... the first time i was absolutely smashed and one thing lead to anoher and i just didnt know how to bail


    this time, well... i was just friends with her and the flirting started so i guess it has escalated too much now

    i think i dont have enough respect for marriage if anything
     
  8. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    I don't think you have enough respect for yourself either.
     
  9. LikkleBaer

    LikkleBaer New Member

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    Could be her marriage is just going through a bad patch... might be wise to back off if you really like her as a friend. Once you cross the line it's harder to go back, and it sounds like her husband is suspicious.

    Be supportive but don't set yourself up for heartache. Just because she wants you doesn't mean that you'll end up together or even that you'd be good for each other.
     
  10. scrotomus

    scrotomus you're a scumbag

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    you sound pretty bitter, did your wife cheat on you?
     
  11. JustaMeThang

    JustaMeThang New Member

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    In many aspects an emotional affair is just as disrespectful as a sexual affair. Id tell her that you are not comfortable having an emotional affair with a married woman. Tell her when and if she decides to leave her husband, then anything is possible, but until then, karma is a bitch and she is still married for a reason.
     
  12. scrotomus

    scrotomus you're a scumbag

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    yeah it is definitely more of an emotional affair than a physical one... but i know things would escalate, however we have made a conscious effort not to see each other as much as possible when there are not other people around.. especially at my house because we know where its going to end up...
    we both have tried to step away and back off, but its so fucking hard for both of us
     
  13. doix

    doix New Member

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    Run. Don't look back. Trust Me.
     
  14. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Not bitter at all....just being honest with you.

    IMO, you can't respect yourself and allow this type of relationship to develop. Saying it just happens is IMO complete BS and very similar to someone that has a victim mentality.
     
  15. scrotomus

    scrotomus you're a scumbag

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    i accept full responsibility, if she wasnt so damn hot it wouldnt have happened :o
     
  16. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Get over that. There are tons of hot women out in the world. Do you develop feelings for every hot woman you see? No? Then it's not just the hotness.

    I agree with the above posters. At some point, you can realize that you are developing feelings for someone. At that point, it's up to you to decide whether it would be best to act on those feelings, ignore them, or do something to minimize those feelings.
     
  17. scrotomus

    scrotomus you're a scumbag

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    Yeah I know... this was a shitty choice :sad2:
     
  18. PostingWorld

    PostingWorld Da Man with da plan

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    agreeded, break it off. if she happens to divorce or split then you can start talking, other wise just back off.
     
  19. scrotomus

    scrotomus you're a scumbag

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    yikes... i dont want to end up like this

    http://www.topdatingtips.com/married-affairs.htm

    If I had to get on my knees to beg you not to do one thing in your life it would be this - dating a married person. In the USA 44% of married men have an extramarital affair and 32% of married women follow suit. In the USA almost 50% of all marriages fail. In the UK that figure is around 33%. So from square one, marriage requires one's utmost attention to sustain it. Messing about with a third party is not going to help. Speaking from experience, having an affair with a married person is the single most stupid thing you will ever do. Period. If you want to lose all the dignity you ever had, lose your self-worth and wreck people's lives on top of your own then please go ahead.

    I will be brutal here; You are stupid if you do. Affairs with married people often happen due to purely selfish desire and due to sheer boredom and it will hurt you. You will not come out of it well. An opportunity is presented to you and you are too greedy to say no. Sex with a married person is dramatic, open, stimulating and very exciting. For the married person it is all these things plus a release from the mundane situation they find themselves in; a release from the boring sex and drudgery of daily life. And none of it will last.

    The problem with dating a married person when you are single is that you remain single throughout the affair. You are not a couple so don't fool yourself. Sure you may act like a couple when you are together, but you aren't. In the very beginning you will see quite a lot of your new lover. Secret dates will be established and the excitement will make you feel alive. But as soon as the guilt sets in for your married lover, excuses will develop and you will be kept hanging on, but ever available just in case they can make it. It is a subtle process and by the time you realize, it's often too late to save your heart.

    Oh yes, you will never be without a phone on the off chance that your lover will call. They want to see you but you must be understanding that its not easy for them. Indeed you will be praised for just how understanding you are. You have just become a saint and a martyr. In the meantime they will be tucked up in bed with their other half trying to fix things. They won't tell you that of course, because they don't want to hurt you. You will have to endure endless months of discussing what it will be like when you are together (which you probably never will) and you will face comparisons with their spouse at every turn, even if they never vocalize it.

    You will be expected to be available just in case because one can never tell when your crutch-like strength will be required and you will be thankful for any small morsel of time you are given. They will insist that the evening you had a week last Tuesday was a great deal for them to arrange so be grateful and that you should just hang on for them if you love them. And so it goes on, month after month. Of course the key thing that makes your affair different from everyone else's is that it is 'different'. Your passion and love is almost unique and you know they are in a terrible marriage and they made a mistake and you will be perfect together. In other words, you will make excuses whenever possible to justify the situation - just a little more time and things will be fantastic.

    No one else can possibly understand what you both are going through and so you will withdraw from some of your friends. Partly because they strongly disapprove of what you are doing. Your weekends will be wasted as will vacations because whilst you are alone waiting at home for the phone to ring, they will be at social functions and parties and all kinds of domestic events that you would die to have but are never afforded the opportunity of having. You trust your lover implicitly. After all you are in this together. The thing is your entire relationship is already founded on deceit. And if they can do it to their husband or wife they can also do it to you. And they will. Eventually!

    You see, if your lover was going to leave their partner they would have to leave for themselves and not for you. If they are going to do it for themselves it will be much sooner rather than later. If they haven't become single within 12 weeks they probably never will. They must leave not for you but for their own reasons. If they leave for you, you will be held silently accountable in future every time life is not perfect. And for all you know, they may always be looking backwards with a half-glance and all that they left behind.

    If children are involved in the marriage then although you may not be able to fix their marriage, you are contributing to destroy it and with it, the children's stability. Walk away as fast as possible in the opposite direction and keep walking. Never fool yourself here, dating a married person is a complete waste of time in 99% of cases. A very few do make it through but almost all don't. You will have absolutely no idea as to what your married lover is going through and you will be nothing more than light relief to something far more serious.

    You will lose self respect because you are sharing your lover, you are falling in love with someone you cannot have, you are second best most of the time and you will be extremely lonely. Most of the evenings will not be with your loved one so your relationship cannot grow, much of what you do will be based around sex not love. Your relationship will be extremely intense but will be sporadic and unfulfilling. As a woman you will be made to feel cheap and may even fall pregnant in which case your situation has just become highly complex.

    The thing I cannot stress enough is how much you will be lied to. The person you love will be telling you lies almost constantly. It is not that they are essentially bad, it is that they will over time get used to lying to spare feelings whilst protecting themselves. And do remember that in the midst of such emotional turmoil, they will have no option but to start considering only themselves. In the end they will find lying to everyone second nature, even though it may be cutting them up emotionally. A married lover simply wants to sit on the fence and never make a decision. They want you to decide for them which of course you cannot. You could demand that they leave their partner for you once and for all, but in doing so you are now standing in the firing line.

    Finally, they will see you as part of the turmoil of their life and they will ditch you, just like their spouse. You get tarnished with the same brush. That's how it works.

    The simple question I will ask is that if you really do value yourself and understand yourself and if you truly believe that there are some truly great single people out there, why would you waste your life on dating a married person. For all these words, people will continue to learn from their own mistakes and in doing so pass on their valuable lessons to others. But for the sake of some short term passionate sex, you truly could be risking everything. Let us hope that you have the wisdom to walk away and not look back.

    If you really want to remind yourself of what life and love is about, watch the video to the song by Air called All I Need. The girl sums it up perfectly in the first 60 seconds. You won't find it in an affair.
     
  20. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Awesome stuff, and so true
     
  21. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    You suck at life. I didn't even read your post because I'm sure it's nothing but you trying to rationalize your actions even though you know what you are doing is wrong.
    Ditch the married woman and find someone who is available.
     
  22. skitcy

    skitcy uhm title! ok

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    ok lets define some stuff

    a couple dating are two single people that involve themselves in a relationship correct?

    marriage is a vow to someone to be faithful to them as long as you live ( or lasts now days )

    You: Single
    Her: Married

    what else needs to be explained then GET THE FUCK OUT!?
     
  23. Bruticus

    Bruticus half dead OT Supporter

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    Blunt, but well put. If it isn't an open marriage then there is no sane reason for you to be involved, particularly if you have feelings. If you are just wanting to have sex and you are an ass who doesn't care about anyone else, then I guess a married person is fair game, but otherwise don't even fucking think about it.

    Seriously, just about every relationship situation that can pop up is under your control to some degree, saying stuff just happens and you can't do anything about it is crap. You've made your own choices, now make some right ones.
     
  24. scrotomus

    scrotomus you're a scumbag

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    you guys are a bunch of pessimists :mamoru:
     
  25. Jennipher

    Jennipher Dontcha know OT Supporter

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    I'm never a fan of hooking up with someone who is married, even if the marriage is a rocky one. They both made a commitment to stay with each other through thick and thin, and I think so many people these days don't really understand what that means.

    You two are having an "emotional affair" which is how most sexual affairs begin. You begin confiding in one another, discuss very personal aspects of your life, find yourself wanting to be more than just friends.

    Obviously, the decision is yours. If she is truly unhappy, she should get a divorce, and then perhaps you two can date. But there is probably hope the marriage could work out if they tried. You coming in and having an affair with her pretty much destroys that possibility.
     

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