SRS So... I'm just going to type.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Julius, Jun 26, 2009.

  1. Julius

    Julius Guest

    Initial background: I am a 21 year old in the army. I have no real perception of love, relating with my family, maintaining relationships/friendships, but I have a happy demeanor. I have no sense of identity or perception of reality. I have never been in a relationship. All I know is succeeding and doing my best with my job. In a sense, I'm the best fake person you will ever meet.

    Ok, so now I have that out of the way. I came home from Iraq sometime in July 2008 and I seriously feel lost. I saw no combat in Iraq and I feel the 13 months that I spent there were lost for nothing. I feel that I have no right being in the United States. I should still be downrange. I didn't help the Iraqis at all. I have no friends in my hometown anymore and I don't relate with my family. I do not consider anyone that I work with to be my friend either. In short - I am not able to relate with anybody.

    Sometimes I'll drive around for hours going nowhere in particular. I feel so fucking lost that it's not funny. My old hobbies (drawing, writing, etc.) have gone down the tube and I have lost my sense of creativity. Nothing seems challenging to me anymore. I find myself wondering what my life really has in store.

    I think the only thing I have left is determination. I can leave this army next year, finish school, and become a successful citizen in the US. It's too easy. The American dream, you know - achieve an education, build a family, work in a successful career, and then eventually die. I find myself asking what the exact purpose in this is. What good will I serve the world by serving only myself?

    But another part of me wants to reclass my job to explosive ordnance disposal (EOD) and take apart explosives until I fucking die. I want to help as many people as possible, because I feel like I've done nothing. I want to die as a blank name, someone who never existed in the first place. A part of me wants to join the french foreign legion and leave everybody I know. I want to be a despised, blank person. I just want the fucking satisfaction of knowing I did something right in my life. I don't mind getting killed or maimed for it.

    I think I'm a lost soul. I feel sick sometimes. I'm definitely in deep depression. Maybe someone can read all of this bullshit and make some sort of sense of it. Maybe this depression will steer me in the right direction.
     
  2. kylio27

    kylio27 New Member

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    become a buddhist
     
  3. Julius

    Julius Guest

    no, i'm good.
     
  4. kylio27

    kylio27 New Member

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    try to get your childhood mindset and creativity back, do some of the things you use to love doing. I suggest you go out to a really quiet place late at night when it is really dark, lay on the ground and look up at the stars.

    life is a long road, just put the brakes on once and awhile.
     
  5. failmode

    failmode New Member

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    Become a high school teacher. I don't know about where you live but here, when I was in school there was an excessive amount of bad teachers. I ran into about four good teachers that kept me motivated. They made me want to succeed. If you really want to help you should check out that career path.
     
  6. kylio27

    kylio27 New Member

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    yah that is a good one, i feel the same way.
     
  7. cerberus

    cerberus New Member

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    you could become a paramedic or something, save lives everyday and make a difference
     
  8. kylio27

    kylio27 New Member

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    eat an apple everyday and watch the film 2001: A Space Odyssey

    it will change the way you look at life
     
  9. saosko

    saosko OT Supporter

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    great strip club in tampa fl.
     
  10. Julius

    Julius Guest

    Been thinking about this too. I can see myself teaching.
     
  11. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    Serving yourself is better than being a disservice to others. There is nothing wrong with a little self indulgence as long as you are not holding others down.

    You could always go take out a convicted sex offender or something? No, seriously man. Why not be a cop? Get into Law Enforcement. You have a military background. That should help.

    Life is full of bullshit. Life is full of struggle. Life if full of confusion and hardship. That's life. I personally would much rather live it than not live at all. There is still so much beauty and so many amazing things. I love getting lost in reading upon the Universe, how big it is, how many amazing things are out there like Quasars, Nebula's, Black Holes, etc. Things so massive and powerful that it makes us all feel so insignificant and yet blessed to have been able to learn about it. I sometimes think of all of the people who came before us who never got to learn that such things exist out there. Amazing stuff.

    You need a hobby to become passionate about. Certainly there are things you like. What are they?
     
  12. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    Go visit your parents and spend a few days playing with the toys you played with as a kid. They'll remind you of what your inherent interests and talents are, and you can rebuild from there. It won't take as long the second time around.
     
  13. Godspeed

    Godspeed New Member

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    Read "All Quiet on the Western Front"

    Understand that you're not alone in what you're feeling.

    Make a conscience effort to repair/regain your former motivation/creativity by working on it little by little everyday.

    Profit.
     
  14. Pepe

    Pepe New Member

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    dude honestly, i don't know what you did over in iraq while deployed, but the simple fact that you were man enough to sign up and go over there is enough to earn my respect. you don't have to win medals or kill so many insurgents to have made a difference. to me it sounds like you have two problems.

    1. you are too hard on yourself
    2. you just need a good friend

    you need to be proud of yourself for what you have done, because i'm sure it is a hell of a lot more than most people today. check out some local groups or community service efforts (such as habitat for humanity). even though you are hard on yourself, helping in these will give you a sense or worth, and will also allow you to meet people who like you want to make a difference. i think once you begin to enjoy your life a little more things will turn around. thanks for serving as you have my respect and appreciation. keep your head up
     
  15. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Travel to other countries when you're back in civilian life. If you stay in America chasing what you see as someone else's dream, you won't gain perspective on your own.
     
  16. no lol today

    no lol today Soy la bailarina de la muerta. OT Supporter

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    At least you sound conscientious. Keep seeking a connection. If you don't find it, seek again.
     
  17. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    being well-adjusted to a sick world is no measure of health

    and the opposite is true as well imo
     
  18. OniMinion

    OniMinion ...recalls when this forum was actually about cars OT Supporter

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    Well, get yourself your retirement and take care of your own expenses and you won't be a burden on society. That is of great service to the world!


    Teaching isn't something you find yourself in on just a whim. Go volunteer at schools/churches/youth programs. You need to find out if you actually do enjoy teaching. I am a mathematics teacher myself, and I have seen many teachers come and go because they "thought" they'd like it. Find out ahead of time before 4 years of school.
     
  19. Kafka

    Kafka New Member

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    Unfortunately, most soldiers haven't helped the Iraqis. You're not alone in that sense, but you're the first one who's actually mentioned the issue of helping Iraqis at all. Trust me in that you're far more sane than half the people in this world.
     
  20. Julius

    Julius Guest

    I seriously appreciate the responses, guys. I'll take everything that has been written here into account.

    Ultimately, I think my best bet is to leave this organization.

    I just want to touch on this.

    There are still a lot of personnel who put in their time, blood, relationships, birthdays, holidays, lives, extremities, sanity, sweat, and tears for the good of those people.

    But, of course, corporate america and ignorance has to fuck up the military's agenda. When I came home, it blew my mind how people asked me stuff like:

    1. did you kill anyone?
    2. was it hot?
    3. did you drink water?
    4. do the kids throw rocks?

    Such dull, mundane, and intellectually void questions soured my views on americans actually giving a shit about foreign affairs. Nobody asked me about KBR/Halliburton and their bullshit projects. Nobody asked me about PMCs taking the work away from the military. Nobody asked me how the lives were for people - children - that live in such a fucked up country. Nobody asked me what poverty really looks like. Nobody asked me why KBR DFAC managers treated our filipino cooks like slaves. Nobody asked me how someone acts when their friend gets mauled by an indiscriminately placed IED/EFP by some fuckhead insurgent.

    I'm just going to forget that I even went.
     

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