Initial background: I am a 21 year old in the army. I have no real perception of love, relating with my family, maintaining relationships/friendships, but I have a happy demeanor. I have no sense of identity or perception of reality. I have never been in a relationship. All I know is succeeding and doing my best with my job. In a sense, I'm the best fake person you will ever meet. Ok, so now I have that out of the way. I came home from Iraq sometime in July 2008 and I seriously feel lost. I saw no combat in Iraq and I feel the 13 months that I spent there were lost for nothing. I feel that I have no right being in the United States. I should still be downrange. I didn't help the Iraqis at all. I have no friends in my hometown anymore and I don't relate with my family. I do not consider anyone that I work with to be my friend either. In short - I am not able to relate with anybody. Sometimes I'll drive around for hours going nowhere in particular. I feel so fucking lost that it's not funny. My old hobbies (drawing, writing, etc.) have gone down the tube and I have lost my sense of creativity. Nothing seems challenging to me anymore. I find myself wondering what my life really has in store. I think the only thing I have left is determination. I can leave this army next year, finish school, and become a successful citizen in the US. It's too easy. The American dream, you know - achieve an education, build a family, work in a successful career, and then eventually die. I find myself asking what the exact purpose in this is. What good will I serve the world by serving only myself? But another part of me wants to reclass my job to explosive ordnance disposal (EOD) and take apart explosives until I fucking die. I want to help as many people as possible, because I feel like I've done nothing. I want to die as a blank name, someone who never existed in the first place. A part of me wants to join the french foreign legion and leave everybody I know. I want to be a despised, blank person. I just want the fucking satisfaction of knowing I did something right in my life. I don't mind getting killed or maimed for it. I think I'm a lost soul. I feel sick sometimes. I'm definitely in deep depression. Maybe someone can read all of this bullshit and make some sort of sense of it. Maybe this depression will steer me in the right direction.