So I went on a date v.I turn a short post into a long emo rant

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Falconer, Apr 22, 2010.

  1. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    So I went on a date v.I can turn a short post into a long emo rant

    Went karaoking with my sister and her friends cuz I'd never been karaoking before and wanted to try it. I didn't know anyone other than my sister. One of my sister's friends brought her friend along who also didn't know anyone other than her friend, so we had in common that we didn't know anyone in the group so we decided to have our own "cool person" conversation off to the side.

    She was super cute and looked like Carmen Lopez (from the George Lopez show) except had bigger boobs (ironic cuz I'm not even really a boob guy). She was smart, funny, etc. She even made a reference of "back when the Simpsons were actually funny" which got bonus points. And she said her favorite band ever is Led Zepplin (hooray, a hot chick who isn't into radio pop crap). Whatever. Anyway karaoking is cool but it's no date, so we agreed to go out to sushi (a few days later).

    So during sushi she's cool and all but there's no spark, altho she was fun to talk to. I get a goodbye hug way off to the side (subcommunicating definitely don't try to kiss me :rofl: ) and haven't heard from her since.

    I come to find out later she only went out with me "cuz it might be fun but wasn't expecting fireworks."

    Pros:
    - slight confidence boost from getting a date with a very attractive chick

    Cons:
    - I alluded to this in another thread, but I still don't understand the point of even going on a date with someone with whom you aren't "expecting fireworks." I date people cuz I see potential, not because I want something to do.

    In related news, a huge part of my identity has come from being in LTRs. Being single FUCKING SUCKS ASS. "Hey, it's Falconer, that guy is awesome. He always has good relationships with cool women." It's part of who I was. I didn't have to deal with the bullshit of dating because for some reason I was also "above" that. I always had someone to do things with (concerts, museums, weddings, dates, movies, cooking dinner, snuggling, sex, lounging around all day doing nothing but loving each other's company, etc.) and that was SO FUCKING COMFORTING but not from the perspective of being needy, but from the perspective of building a life with someone.

    It's like crazy binary. When I'm in a LTR, I'm massively "on", which stems from the confidence of being on the path I want to be on in life and the joy of having someone to share things with. Confidence and mood and motivation improve. If this feeling was replicable with a pill I would be on it 24/7 and would be CEO of Earth by now. When I'm single, it sucks. Right now my business is kicking fucking ass and I don't even care. I have to force myself to do work every day. The only thing I enjoy at the moment is taking my dog for a walk every evening.

    I know most guys are like "DOOD BE SINGLE IT RULES YOU CAN DO WHATEVER AND FUCK WHOEVER AND [verb] WHATEVER" but that's not how I roll.

    I go back and forth throughout the day between feeling ok and being massively fucking emo about my breakup. During those emo periods I alternate between a) feeling responsible, like I fucked it up, like I caused her pain, and b) being annoyed with thoughts of like "for someone who loved me sooooo much, she sure did give up easily. It's mostly a).

    I have identified the cause of those feelings, too: scarcity. I know it's normal to feel that way at this point, but I feel like I won't ever find someone again who: loves me in spite of my insecurities (like literally did not care about any of the stuff I don't like about myself), has everything in common, same sense of humor, who didn't have the constant need to go do shit in order to not be bored (I'm quite the homebody myself, quite honestly), who is gorgeous, who is super sexually compatible, who always wanted to make me happy, who I always wanted to make happy, whose every little quirk filled me with even more adoration, etc. I saw phenomenal potential there. It was like, everything that I hate about most hot women, she was the opposite. She wasn't pretentious, didn't like guidos, wasn't a golddigger, wasn't stupid, etc.

    In the past I've had some of those things with some women, and others with other women, but never all at once.

    So when I have thoughts of "yeah, I fucked that up" it really, really sucks. So I try to convince myself that it wasn't me who fucked it up. She has bad communication skills (altho I feel like she did try) and wasn't willing to stick with me through absolute thick and thin.

    Notice I didn't mention even one PUA term in this post, despite the fact that I'm 99.9% sure that everything can be summed up in one sentence: "Her interest level dropped and that's why we broke up." 99.9% sure because 0.1% of the time it's actually something like the chick legitimately being afraid of things not working out, but 99% of the time that line is bullshit because if the chick really felt that way, she would try super fucking hard to make things work, not withdraw.

    You know what's ironic? It's ironic that in the 2.5 years we were together she was always afraid I was going to dump her. Even when we got back together last year, she was still afraid of that. One time she even said she thought I wanted to get back together just so that I could be the one to dump her :rofl: :wtf: It's ironic that she is the one who ended up dumping me. Twice.

    Cliffs:
    - I'm emo because I can't imagine myself being as happy and comfortable with anyone else as I was with her. It's different from when you get out of a relationship that you knew wasn't gonna work and you're like "alright, this sucks, but that's cool... I knew she wasn't right for me anyway."

    FUCK.
     
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2010
  2. Genghis.Tron

    Genghis.Tron New Member

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    I empathize about the single stuff :hs:

    The thing about PUA though is that it assumes that you can reduce someone's behavior to level of interest without even taking into account their level of anxiety + how they cope with that anxiety. Avoidance is a way to cope with something that produces a great deal of stress.


    I guess it was hard not to talk about PUA stuff :p
     
  3. Genghis.Tron

    Genghis.Tron New Member

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    This supports the idea that she was stressed about something (fear of abandonment).
    This also resembles a self-fulfilling prophecy. She is so afraid of the relationship going sour that she acts in a way (avoidance, lack of communcation) that destroys the relationship. Some people have problems realizing that what happens to them is partially caused by the way they act with others (Viper's thread is an example of how one's belief's might influence his behaviors/choice which ended up influencing his environment).
     
  4. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    I think it would do your ass some good to go out and do some casual dating.

    Meeting and getting to know new people is awesome dude. Get outside your fucking head a bit and bust out of your comfort zone.
     
  5. BlackIce72

    BlackIce72 New Member

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    She wasn't SUBcommunicating "dont kiss me"... she was just communicating it.

    You may not have used PUA terms but it seems like you still refer to a lot to the concepts.
     
  6. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    :eek3:

    True, I do it a lot :mamoru: But I wonder how that compares against fear of loss. I get very stressed out over money, but that is dwarfed by a fear of being poor. I get stressed out over relationships sometimes, but that is dwarfed by a fear of losing it.


    :rofl:

    Here are my expected replies:

    IWYWB: "damn Falconer you are so codependent. Get a therapist. Oh PS, you love Mystery."

    john law: "bitches is crazy. go fuck ten other women. Being single rules."

    abomb: "dude, your ex sucked at communicating. You are better off without her even if everything else was awesome."

    wsm: "lol whatever stop making stuff up you virgin. Penny pics of you and your ex or your [sic] a virgin!"

    Viper: ":empathy: embrace this change and learn from it. Don't be so negative and hateful"

    Aronomy: "LOL MEN ARE HERE TO PAY FOR DATES"

    Apologies to anyone I left out :mamoru:
     
  7. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Viper who is in your av, she is cute!
     
  8. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    You could be right :eek3:

    Could be. I need to get out of this thread now before I go crazy asking myself "what if I had done x differently..."
     
  9. Spaceering

    Spaceering I bite.

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    i may not read this all, but i will definitely be here to post when this thing is 36 pages :wiggle:
     
  10. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    I'm actually saying to stop being such an assfuck and go meet some people. There's value in the experience without leading it in any particular direction.
     
  11. Aronomy

    Aronomy Get your COME ON!

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    Did you end up paying for the sushi? Just curious.
     
  12. Ago816

    Ago816 New Member

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    Some people just can't be single. Others enjoy it. Hang in there man.
     
  13. RichieHemingway

    RichieHemingway New Member

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    These things are so good I'd assume they weren't true.

    Like it was just a cliche thing to say.
     
  14. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:
     
  15. Genghis.Tron

    Genghis.Tron New Member

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    I would say that you cope with stress/fear (which are pretty related) by confronting those fears.
    It's funny how avoidance of stresses actually perpetuates those stresses. This is way the only way to deal with simple phobias (spider and so on) is desensitization (confronting those fears). Some kinds of fear never go away though but confronting those fears is still a better option if we think about a person's adjustment.

    And I just remembered that there was the issue that she didn't want to talk about something that bothered her (it was along the lines of her father or something, can't remember). This would also support the idea that she copes with stress with cognitive avoidance. Trying not to think about something is an effective way of dealing with the stress in the short term but it's pretty useless in the long term.

    I would also point out that a pattern of parent-child relationship is avoidant. By that I mean that all the issues that are emotionally demanding with regards to the relationship are actually avoided. It's useful in that it can help the mother cope with a certain anxiety. Those relationships are often oriented toward cognitive development of the child at the expense of emotional closeness.
     
  16. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    no :rofl:

    she insisted she pay which meant she got bonus points. we got the bill and she goes "lets go see if they can split it."
     
  17. Spaceering

    Spaceering I bite.

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    wow i read that, maybe i can keep up this time


    interesting how you still are having the same dilemmas (expecting other people to think exactly like you do)


    just wondering, do you think you will ever find someone that thinks exactly like you do? you keep "falling" into this trend (quoted b/c it is not intended to be negative, yet still portrays the truth)
     
  18. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    im too drunk to follow your post. ill post tomorrow..... for the time being....

    :hug:
     
  19. Diesel66

    Diesel66 My standards for women is like rent-a-centers stan OT Supporter

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    sometimes it's just fun to meet someone new.
    sometimes it leads to sex/casual dating
    sometimes it might lead to relationship but you don't really know yet.


    or some girls are just looking for free meals.
     
  20. radfad88

    radfad88 The Batman-O-Lantern

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    :rofl:
     
  21. DTR rex

    DTR rex New Member

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    Being single can be rough. I'm finding myself newly single as well after years in an LTR. It's the standard "the grass is always greener" thing. When I was in an LTR I missed the excitement of the chase, the mystery, uncertainty of it all... and now that I'm single I find myself too lazy and not caring enough to give a chase.

    I figure that will pass with time.

    Funny thing is, I'm the opposite. I am MORE confident when single. My ex was A LOT more humble than me and she always tried to keep my in check. Every decision I made, I had to second-guess and evaluate because of how it may affect "us". When I'm single, I don't give a damn about anything. I spend more time in the gym than usual (because now I have more time) and that just boosts the ego, I worry mostly about myself instead of a S/O, and find myself constantly rating and evaluating women :rofl:

    When I was last single a few years back coming out of an LTR it was the same exact way. I became an asshole who was totally confident in every decision he made... and I was getting numbers left and right, lol. I'm typically a confident person, but the problem is when I become single it tends to border on egotistical. Something I am working on at the moment.


    Either way though, I think you need to give yourself more time. Hanging out with chicks is fine... and probably good for you. But your problem is you're too co-dependent (I know how you feel, I used to be as well), and you're going to get too attached the first girl that gives you the time of day.
    You're still really into your ex. Normally I say people should see other women asap to get their confidence up and mind straight... but for you, I think you're better off just being with friends and better yourself personally... focusing on growth, confidence, reducing stress, and eliminating the triggers that make you so co-dependent.
     
  22. Spaceering

    Spaceering I bite.

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    hey penny pincher, being single will cost you less (you should like that right, because you talk about clipping coupons out and how you save a lot of money)


    just adding some optimism here :o
     
  23. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    I don't expect other people only to go on dates when they think it might be serious, I just said that's how I do it.

    Yeah. I've dated two women who were very close. My most recent ex even told me in the beginning that she doesn't waste time in relationships so she's like "I wouldn't be dating you if I didn't see longterm future potential." I was like :h5:

    That's fine with me. I'd rather be single than date a chick expects me to pay.

    On a related note, this chick was 23. I'm 29. I actually wouldn't have minded paying (on this particular date, not in all future dates) due to that disparity between incomes. That being said, I felt kinda weird dating someone that young. I would see that as a large obstacle to overcome as typically I would be at "settling down" age and she would be at "just graduated college, gotta find myself and do all this shit" age (unless she's from Texas and wants to get married at 22, which is not the case :mamoru: ).

    Then again my recent ex was 23 when we started dating I think. I was 27. No wait I was 26 cuz it was the end of 2007. And she's about to turn 26 next month. I didn't think that age difference was too weird. Indeed, I was comfortable with it, and actually liked it a bit.

    :h5:

    I've never missed "the chase." Then again I have a hard on for stability. I've never once thought to myself "gee I wish I wasn't in a relationship right now."

    I will admit, in my last "single" period, I did some huge personal growth. I had just gotten out of a bad relationship, but I recognized the fact that the woman I was with at the time wasn't long term potential, so even tho it sucked (bad) when we finally broke up, deep down inside I knew it was for the best, and that made every passing day easier. I knew in the back of my mind, even when I was with her, that the answer to "could I marry this woman?" was "no." There were some big red flags. So aside from the withdrawal, I was happy when that relationship ended.

    I don't have that this time. I was going to marry this one.

    Anyway, I did a lot of personal growth, and started to work on my confidence which had always been lacking. (warning, PUA reference coming up) RSD's "Foundations" literally transformed my way of thinking (PUA reference over). So did "No More Mr. Nice Guy." So did realizing what a manipulative bitch my psycho ex was. She was a crash course in relationship games, and I think I overcompensated in my most recent relationship as a result :hs: My psycho ex would do her manipulative shit and I would get needy as a result (I had no idea this was a bad reaction at the time) and that would exponentially increase the amount of drama. In this recent relationship, on the other hand, I literally wasn't "needy" enough. I was so afraid that being "needy" would fuck things up, but what was actually the case was that my psycho ex was a manipulative cunt bitch and my recent ex was the sweetest girl ever. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't like cold or anything. You all know I'm super emo. Just looking back I wish I had done more stuff to let her know how much I appreciated her.

    Yeah, well generally speaking it costs about the same to be in a relationship vs. to not be in a relationship, because you still have to pay for the things you do (altho not paying for the other person). However, I tend to do more things in a relationship so doing things vs. not doing things costs more money. Altho after living with a gf and splitting the rent (awesome), being single is going to cost more. Just saying.

    Now I have to remember how to jump start my social life :hs:
     
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2010
  24. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    :werd: posting in my threads takes my mind off being sad for a short while. It's therapeutic. Except for when it gets to be so "therapeutic" that I go "oops, I should have done x instead of y" and then I get more sad :rofl: :hs:
     
  25. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    single done right cost a fortune.

    dates during the week and chasing tail all weekend gets hurtful
     

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