So I was told that...

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by DSAzeppelin, Nov 11, 2006.

  1. DSAzeppelin

    DSAzeppelin New Member

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    I am marriage material...

    however that isn't what any of the girls want right now....especially at 20 years old.

    ***

    Obviously...I am not looking for marriage, not even close to that. I REALLY don't want anything remotely close to that...I have a career to have, and I need time to just be young and what not...

    I'm not even sure why I get tagged with that right away seeing as I'm not even really looking for a relationship...

    but it kind of sucks when a girl still doesn't want to get serious just based off of the fact that I'm "marriage material"

    I've been told that from about 6 of my friends who kind of confessed how much they liked me and how great I was once my GF was out of the picture...how much they wish they were going out with me or get married to a guy like me...etc.

    And even my ex GF told me that if she ever has a husband, she wants it to be me...

    however....a few girls actually hold that against me(like 2 or so). Obviously my friends don't since there isn't anything going on between us...however a couple times girls who had interest told me that, and aparently it scared them?


    So uhm...yeah...I don't get it. I'm thinking that it's a form of friendzoning me or something(because that seems to be the case after I hear this) :dunno:




    I don't really want to be hearing this while I'm 20 :rofl:
     
    Last edited: Nov 11, 2006
  2. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    I don't know why girls are saying this to you.

    Decide what you want from women and figure out how to go get it.

    If a girl said that to me I would take it to mean that I have the qualities she is looking for in a mate, except she doesn't feel a sexual attraction for me.

    What was the context when a girl told you she doesn't want to get serious because you are marriage material? Did you verbalize a desire to get serious with her?
     
  3. fray

    fray New Member

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    Marriage material may mean different things to different girls. So, this might not be a bad thing to everyone. Or, maybe you seem safe and like a good provider, but like Yail said...no real attraction.

    Could it be that you come on too strong, too fast, or too clingy? Like they know you'd never leave and would be loyal, etc., therefore a "good" husband (as in wouldn't cheat, not that clingy is good), but it's kind of annoying since you're new to them?
     
  4. DSAzeppelin

    DSAzeppelin New Member

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    Nah....I actually don't come on too strong or fast at all. I take things rather slowly to tell you the truth. I don't get clingy or attached because if I am going to get attached to a girl, a very long, strong foundation has to be built. I don't really just go and jump from girl to girl and push to get into relationships or to sleep around...etc. So I don't think that is it.

    I don't know if I can explain the context...because it's just rather weird. Like I met a girl and we were both kind of flirty, she was attracted to me(as I her) and actually asked me for my number. We talked for a while and hung out a bit, had fun(literal fun, not fun as in fooling around). Got pretty close after a while.

    But before anything progressed too far, the girl then told me that. The girl thinks I'm awesome, loves hanging out with me....thinks I'm good looking...however I have too good of values and morals. She expressed how I would make a perfect husband and wants a guy like me.

    Ssssoooo she wants a guy like me...but for some reason, I wouldn't make a good boyfriend(which isn't the truth obviously)???

    She still tries to talk to me a lot and hang out with me....she really seems to want me to be a part of her life and whatnot...but once we got a little close, she just kind took 30 steps backwards back into just friend territory.

    Thats what I don't get. I just think it is odd :dunno:


    ***
    I'm not really sweating it...just curious to what you guys think. I've had 2 girls do something similar...

    and like I said, after my GF was out of the picture, I had a lot of my friends come out and say the exact same thing confessed their feelings towards me(except for them...they were jealous of my GF and wished they were going out with me)...
     
  5. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    It's just another way of girls saying "you're a good friend, but I don't like you as anything more than that". Or it truly means that you have good qualities, but they are nothing like what girls want when they are in the party/experimental stage in college.

    My guess would be that these qualities in persons (I've heard this about me too) would be better recieved with older, more mature women.

    I'm gonna start looking for women 20 or older myself.
     
  6. DSAzeppelin

    DSAzeppelin New Member

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    That's what I was sorta thinking too.

    Even though I completely disagree with them if this is the case...

    I do have a lot more values than most of the kids my age, I like to have fun, but not party for the sake of partying all the time. Don't sleep around, drink a lot... do drugs... etc. I actually have priorities and goals so I'm not going to jeopardize those. And I just have a lot more respect for myself, women, relationship...etc.

    So I guess I don't really fit perfectly into that party/experimental stage to an extent.


    ***

    I kind of wish I was just young and dumb so I could fit in with people my age....because most girls my age are really just too immature...

    however I'm not young and dumb, young yes...but not dumb...so I'm kind of screwed.
     
  7. Kinks

    Kinks Sup. OT Supporter

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    Girls of that age do just want to jump into a relationship all hot and heavy and screw like rabbits. The long slow approach will serve you well later in life, which is what they mean. Expect success in your late 20's with that approach. Young women want enthusiasm and passion and don't care if it doesn't work because they can always break up and find someone else.
     
  8. DSAzeppelin

    DSAzeppelin New Member

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    I want to get all hot and heavy and screw like rabbits too...just because I have good qualities doesn't mean I don't want that :)


    just that I don't do it with random girls that don't mean anything to me...so that's probably the thing that kills me, eh? :hsd:
     
  9. ArthurPewty

    ArthurPewty New Member

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    My two cents.

    My ex said basically the same thing to me. That and that she'd never find a guy who would be a better father for her son. The problem for her was that I wasn't romantic enough, in the way she wanted me to be or when she wanted me to be. Basically, we didn't click on a personal level in many ways.

    DSA, what I'd interpret those statements to mean are that the girls you're talking to realize that you are responsible, goal oriented, and driven (maybe moreso than other guys around you). It may behoove you to find ways to "loosen up" or have more time for fun with women. If you are too goal oriented or too responsible that may be a bit of a turn off for young 20 something women who feel like they still have some partying left to do in their lives. Maybe. Otherwise, it could just be the FZ (couldn't spell it out, too scary).

    Wish you well. Being responsible and goal oriented is not, and should not be seen as, a bad thing. If you are more responsible than other guys your age, good for you.
     
  10. Riot

    Riot OT Supporter

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    i read the title and already knew they were politely saying you were a 'nice guy'


    what they really mean: you are a passive male and consequently i have no urge to mate with you; but i would consider marrying you so i that i could have an SO that i could control for the rest of his life.


    good luck with that
     
  11. Kinks

    Kinks Sup. OT Supporter

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    This is the other problem. Women (and many men!) want sparks and fireworks, rather than simply something stable and reasonably good like when you look at your parents (assuming they're still together).


    The WOW! factor is missing, really.
     
  12. enfiniti

    enfiniti How firm thy friendship ... OHIO!

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    all that statement means is that they think ur not out to fuck them and leave.
     
  13. DSAzeppelin

    DSAzeppelin New Member

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    nice guy yes...


    but controlling me....furthest thing from it.

    so sorry.
     
  14. DSAzeppelin

    DSAzeppelin New Member

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    I can understand that...if that happens to be the case.

    but like I said...I just don't get how she is the one who is nuts over me to begin with...and everything was going well....but then the tables instantly turn once the relationship starts to progress...

    just odd. Don't really understand that.

    And I can take responsibility for that.

    I grew up really fast...I was forced to start working in middle school to help put food on the table, so my whole mentality has always been towards higher goals....for instance, I graduated highschool and went to college, worked my ass off(18+ hour days, 7 days a week) and graduated right before I turned 20.

    I've always just worked and never really took time to have fun.

    So yes...I do need to loosen up... etc.

    However, you can ask my exGF about this...but even with me working so hard, I still made all the time to put that aside for her and us. We went out and had an absolute blast. While we were together, I was no longer 53...I was the 20 year old kid I am and we had a great time. We had those fireworks...whatever you want to call them. We had a long relationship and those sparks were still there through the end.

    So I am capable of it....its just that I don't really do so until I have a reason too. This I absolutely hate, but it's hard for me to take time for myself and to "loosen up"...I only do it for others. :dunno:

    thanks :hs:
     
  15. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    Simple. You're getting friendzoned, and "let down easy" to boot. Here's probably part of the reason why:

    Problem #1 - you are not making your intentions clear that you are an adult male and you want sex just as much as she does. By not making a move you're essentially telling her that she is not good enough for you (too ugly, too fat, too stupid, too something else that is wrong, or that you're gay or asexual.)

    That is what dating is for. You are going for the "anti-emotional" connection from the get-go, which signals a lack of maturity. You're protecting yourself and also not feeding any emotions into the relationship. Guess what? Women enjoy SOME emotions (but not too much!) that show you like them and want to be with them. Not being clingy, however, is a good thing. Being avoidant is bad.

    Yeah, you're asexual and they know it. What's in it for her? Everyone wants to get laid!

    She took control because you were too passive and efeminent to do it yourself. Most hot blooded adult males would have asked her for her number, not the other way around. When a woman makes a move on a man, I immediately assume the male is immature and she's more mature, acting like a child to a mother. That is the crux of being friendzoned in my experience. Never let a woman take control of the relationship and then just "slide along" letting her call all the shots. Women don't usually want that. Women want a man who is confident (enough to ask for a phone number), in control (of himself), and is a challenge (not clinging to her or desperate as you mentioned) and is also FUN (like a flirt.) If you don't make your intentions clear, then she assumes you're not into her.

    Then, as most women do, they compliment you to dump you. Ever heard something like this? "You're a great guy, I just don't want a boyfriend right now." "It's not you, it's me." "Marriage material" is saying "You're a great guy, but I want a fun guy." That's such bullshit. If you really WERE a great marriage material guy, you sure as shit would not be single. Marriage material guys, in my opinion, are all of that I mentioned above, plus a dash of "sexy" thrown in on the side. You, alas, appear to be immature and more like a dear sweet child to these mature women. And they are looking for virile mature men. MEN. Get it? You gotta be more mature and act more like an adult. Take care of yourself, don't fall for that BS, make a move, risk getting shot down, learn from your mistakes, move forward and never backwards. Stuff like that.

    So she said "You won't fuck me and I need an adult, sexual, mature man. You're a child. Bye bye."

    You're a child/girl to her, which is sexually incompatible with a husband.

    Good that you're picking up on it, now you can learn from your mistakes.

    As always, the hallmark of an immature guy is multiple women dumping him. Again, they are in control, he is not. This is not a huge problem, you just need to learn to act more like an adult male. It'll take some time, but think about your behaviors. Anything you do, you can say to yourself "Is this something an 8 year old would do, or a 38 year old would do?" I'm nearly 38, and I sure as shit would make a move on any woman who I was with. I would also get her phone number first, and would ask her on a "date" so she knew I was interested in getting to know her sexually. I likely would NOT sleep with her on the first date, to demonstrate self control, but you better believe I'd get her so worked up she'd have to exhibit self control herself. On the second date, *IF* there was a chance I really liked her, then I might progress further. If the chemistry wasn't there, *I* would be the one to friendzone her. See? I'm in control of what is going on. And you have to TRUST YOUR GUT. If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. Cover your ass as best you can.

    Again, women coming to you confessing their feelings. A woman who wants a relationship will stand across the room, stare at you for 5 seconds, smile, drop her head. She's going to dress up when she knows she'll see you. She'll "preen", and make herself available to be with you so YOU can ask her on a date.

    You, dear sir, need to start holding your head up, opening your eyes, looking around, and making the first move, and keep making the first move every time you are with your woman. Be the leader, not the follower.
     
  16. DSAzeppelin

    DSAzeppelin New Member

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    I'm not sure why you get the impression that I'm going for an "anti-emotional" connection...etc.

    The reason I don't jump into relationship to get sex or sleep around with random girls....is because I do value sex. I waited and actually turned down sex until I found the right girl...and I will continue to do so. I have no desire to just go around and get as much ass as I can get. That doesn't really appeal to me, I don't want random girls...and I do not want a relationship based on sex.

    Sex is important to a relationship, very much so...but being with the right girl is more important to me.

    Now...I can still put all this emotion into a relationship and I do make my intentions clear...and if the girl just wanted to have sex...then fine. If she doesn't want to build any type of relationship, she can turn me down and go find some other guy to sleep around with. If that's the case, then so be it.

    Not sure why my view on sex makes me "anti-emotional" and asexual and immature :dunno:

    Well lets see, in her case...we were talking for about 2 minutes while we were standing in line. She asked me for my number, we talked for another 5 or so minutes and parted ways.

    I could of very easily asked for her number, but she just beat me to the punch. Just because she does so, I'm immature and I'm acting like her child, and she my mother?

    I have no problems asking for numbers or taking a chance at that. I just used her as for one scenario.


    I agree, and once again, you're assuming that I am doing something that I'm not.

    I learned from my first real relationship about the whole "sliding along" thing. I still called some shots...but I recognize that I didn't quite fill my role completely. Too worried about working around her, etc.

    It was never a problem...however I did lower my role a bit too much now that I think back about it. I won't do that again, I never hurt myself or a relationship by doing it....but that doesn't mean I still can't learn from my past.


    once again you keep calling me immature and a child based off of incorrect assumptions.


    whole heartedly agreed.


    and just for the record...I don't have tons women dumping me, I've came out pretty dang well in that department. It's never been a problem, I've just heard this a few times from two girls, and a few of my friends once I became availible...and I was curious so I came here.

    so I'm not that little immature, man-child that you think I am. I'm young, I have a lot to learn....but I am more mature overall(obviously I do lack in some departments) than the majority of "men" my age...and that really is the truth.

    I know this doesn't mean shit, but I can't stand the majority of the kids my age due to their immaturity. I have more friends in their late 20's and early 30's...and even though I'm only 20, they completely accept me because I'm not some little kid.


    that's what I'm trying to do....learn. I have a lot to learn, hell I'm only 20 so I'm still pretty wet behind the ears.

    I do see what you are saying about me being in control though.

    Like I said, I have no problem calling the shots and stepping up into that role. So me doing that isn't a problem....but I aparently need to do this more-so.

    well....how am I expected to do so, when the entire time I knew these few women, I had a GF. And even if I didn't have a GF, most of them had some type of a BF?

    I do know what you're saying....just in this case, it's inapplicable due to outside circumstances.


    yessah!
     
  17. Mallix

    Mallix New Member

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    Being "Marriage Material" at a young age is a kiss of death. Young women are into exploring their sexuality. They are NOT looking to get married. They want a wild, "bad boy" type to go have fun with. Someone to "blame" when they are sexual promiscuous, but at the same time, someone to "learn" to be wild and crazy with.

    When they are done experimenting and had their fill of "Freaky and Fun", then they'll come look for you, Mr. Marriage Material.

    At your age, you need to go be a bad ass, bad boy, screw around, enjoy and live life. Get it out of your system, then when you are good and ready, THEN be Mr. Marriage Material.
     
  18. DSAzeppelin

    DSAzeppelin New Member

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    I recognize that...and I hate it :rofl:


    For me to be like that, I'd have to change a lot about myself, but I've actually been fighting myself over the whole thing. I don't want to kill my values and whatnot....however I'm only 20 years old and should atleast be young for a little while. I mean, already graduated college, working on my career...

    I think I'm moving too fast in general(not relationship wise) and should just act my age for once.

    I in no way want to be married(no way in hell, not for a long time), but I also don't want to date and sleep around...but do at the same time, have a lot to experience :o
     
    Last edited: Nov 15, 2006
  19. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    I should clarify, for reference, that I use the word "immature" with a different weight than I think you picked up on. I use that word to imply "inexperienced" and "passive." It's not that you're some complete idiot, just that you have a little to learn. Well, a lot to learn, as I have come to find over the years. Sit back and read that again with the idea that "immature" just means "unskilled" or "not practiced." I sure don't mean it as an insult! :big grin:

    I guess, in your case, I would say you are "slow to draw" which is a turn off for women. And I *totally* understand how you value sex and want to wait to find the right woman. Well, in that case, have you ever realized that you're basically announcing to women that they are not good enough for you? Your standards are very high, and usually someone with high standards does that as a compensation for not being able to pick up on women. It's hard to meet women, and it's hard to act aggressively or assertively, it's hard to ask for phone numbers. Welcome to the club.

    But to be so passive as to be called a nice guy AKA marriage material, you are being told you are asexual and female. You are being told you are unattractive to women. It's a big deal, in my opinion, and you should think about the long term implications. Women talk to each other, and if one of them tells the other that you're a "nice guy" she is saying you're boring. Women don't like boring anything. They do want to get out and have fun with a fun guy. And in this day and age sex is becoming more commonplace and more accepted. For you to be acting like it's something that you can wait on sends an odd signal to women. Sex, as mentioned, is VERY important in any relationship because it signals an emotional connection to women. If you won't have sex with them, you are not giving them a deep and profound method of emotional connection. I'm not saying fuck every woman you meet, but you do need to get SOME experience.

    Avoiding things is not learning and improving yourself. Only through experiences and mistakes do we grow and become mature adults. Anti-sex is just saying that you can't make a connection with women. It's not what most adult men do, and it's not what most adult women expect. It's more similar to what a child would do, in that it's asexual. And if you are child-like, women will like you for a friend which means no sex, no marriage, no emotional connection.

    Basically, you have to make your intentions clear from the start that you ARE a mature and sexual adult male. It's the sexual part that signals "Adult" because kids don't have sex. If you don't do SOMETHING sexual when you date (another BIG word) a woman, you're going to send signals to her that you're not really marriage material.

    By the way, if you were marriage material, you'd have women hanging all over you. (Not trying to be rude, just pointing out that women know what they need and would be competing to be with you.)

    There is so much detail that I am missing, and I wish I could sit down with you more, but just read between the lines. I really am not attacking you as a person, just your methods, in hopes that you'll read *something* and get an "aha!" moment. :wavey: It really sounds like to me that you're doing something wrong, if you've had two or more (as you mentioned) women bring this up. It's a polite brush off. Now if it were 10 or 17 (I've seen that!) women saying it, you'd need a lot more help.

    If I were you, I'd read up on dating advice web sites. I personally like www.askmen.com/dating/doclove and his articles (just Doc Love's stuff.) David DeAngelo has some good basic stuff at www.DoubleYourDating.com and I've even written quite a few articles over on my site www.Friendzoned.com. The bottom line is that you need to find out the problem, accept the reality of it, and then work on improving yourself so you are more "mature" in the eyes of a woman, in the sense that you are more like a true "partner" or adult, that kind of idea.

    And yes, you are right, I know TONS of men 20-30-40 even 50 years old who truly ARE immature in the normal sense of the word. They play video games non-stop, fart, burp, have no manners, and are generally apes. They then complain to me women don't like them. Yeah, no shit.

    My goal? To always have men act like true gentleMEN. Gentle but a MAN. Open doors, be charming and polite, be witty and fun to be with, but don't take shit from anyone either. Work hard, play hard.

    My role model, personally, is Cary Grant and the characters who he often played, such as the movie "An affair to remember." After all the learning I have done I now fully understand that almost everything he does and says in that movie is perfectly scripted to what an ideal gentleMAN should do. When I watch it with friends, I snicker outloud because the stuff he does is SO subtle and powerful, yet they don't get it at all.

    Just think big picture - who are you going to be when you meet the perfect woman, and will you be able to attract her TO YOU when you meet her? :big grin:
     
  20. DSAzeppelin

    DSAzeppelin New Member

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    If you meant the immature part as just being inexperienced....etc...like you said...then I more than agree with you :)

    Like I said, I'm young, I do have a lot to learn...and even though I origonally misinterpreted your words...it is good advice in general.

    ***

    the good thing is...is that I am not one of those actual immature guys. I was when I was 12....but I did grow up pretty dang fast. I am a gentleman(I was raised properly :p), and you can ask any of my friends(or GF's) that.....but I do need to tweak around my game a little bit....obviously. I am a polite guy...and I am fun to be with...but it is true that I am still pretty passive when it comes to some things, I do kind of hold myself back a little bit, which you have pointed out.

    I'll definately look into all of that, check out some Cary Grant movies and get the full taste of what you mean.

    Atleast I have a pretty good foundation to build off of. I'm pretty close to being there, just need to refine myself.


    :h5:
     
  21. DSAzeppelin

    DSAzeppelin New Member

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    oh one little thing, is that I have had times where women were hanging all over me. Obviously it's not like I have a sea of women hanging on me...however there is always a few standing there trying. However I have been in long term relationships during that phase.

    I had one in high school...so I never bothered with all the other HS girls who liked me. (we broke up since she moved across the state for college and I moved across the country for college).

    and

    While I went through college, I disconnected myself from everything so I could focus on school, but once I finished that up I found a great girl and we then had a great relationship. We eventually broke up because I had to come home and start my career, while she had 3 more years of schooling to focus on. But while I was with her, I had a good amount of girls who were all over me. A lot were our mutual friends, which obviously isn't a good thing IMO....and I instantly made my intentions and my relationship with my GF clear to them. I didn't do anything to lead on these girls, I didn't even flirt with them...I just had fun hanging out and acted like myself and was a good friend to them...yet for them, they wanted more. They saw my relationship with my GF and they said they wanted that and they actually told me that they were jealous of her(we did have a dang good relationship :hs: ). Thats why, after we broke up...I had a lot of my "friends" come out and pretty much confess all their feelings for me.

    I've never really had a window of opportunity to act upon starting anything with girls who actually like me. So...I've never really put myself out into the scene due to me either being in a relationship...or having a higher priority in college(I worked 18+ hour days the whole time...so yeah, no time for any fun). I am now done with school, I am no longer in a relationship and in a position to actually act now.

    I just moved back home a month ago, however it's basically a clean slate here. Most of my old friends are off to school or we've changed and moved on. I'm a new person since going off to college, having that long term relationship and growing up even more so. Even though I'm home, it is completely different. So I guess now is the best time to start with that whole gaining experience thing and becoming a better man...starting on a completely new foot.


    ***
    The point of that is...

    that all of those girls developed their feelings or whatever for me over a period of time. At first I was just a cool, nice guy who was going out with their friend. But after we hung out, then they saw more than just that. So aparently all of my good qualities only really shine after a period of time.

    It's just that I need to tweak that a bit obviously so I kind of shine right off the bat and really play up to my full potential.

    So I do have some of those flaws you were talking about, which obviously doesn't work all that great if its just teh short term dating game. :hs:
     
    Last edited: Nov 16, 2006
  22. DSAzeppelin

    DSAzeppelin New Member

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    in short....I am definately going to be more conscience of everything now. Like I said, I have a pretty good foundation...but there is still a lot of work to be done. So I'll pay attention to my flaws and hopefully work on them and improve.

    And I'll DEFINATELY make my intentions clear in the future so that doesn't bite me on the ass again :big grin:
     
  23. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    I think you're well on the correct path.

    Here's something to think about that may help, my old motto: Never be serious.

    When you're with women, being polite is boring and predictable. Be surprising and unpredictable (except when you are taking her out - let her know WHERE so she can dress appropriately.) Don't be the "spoiler" so to speak - the guy who spoils the movie or the book by giving away the ending. So many people are self-spoilers - they tell women EVERY thing about themselves. Don't give it all away! Have secrets, do surprisingly novel things, go out as much as you can (or at least once or twice a week) and do things that allow you to spend time together. Just remember to be FUN to be with.

    Some concepts to illustrate:

    Ask HER to buy YOU a drink.
    Make her guess your age. Lie and say you're 47. Or 15.
    Never give her a straight answer if you can avoid it.

    Tease, flirt, joke, play basically.

    Remember to also stand close to her. Be clean and smell good (brush those teeth and scrape that tongue!). Touch her, but not too much. Lots of stuff like that. And have a spine. In fact, I posted a great Craigslist personal ad on my site this afternoon, go check it out - read item #12. www.friendzoned.com is the site. This woman has some great advice. If I were single and younger, I'd be out on a date with her! :naughty:
     

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