SRS So I tried breaking up with my fiance

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by no lol today, Jan 21, 2009.

  1. no lol today

    no lol today Soy la bailarina de la muerta. OT Supporter

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    I hate doing this, but he drives me to that point.

    He & I love each other. Very much. But there are things that cause us to grow apart. We each, like everyone, have personal challenges though ours might be considerably different than most. I'm narcoleptic & he's a crazed lunatic. lol. He grew up in a nasty area where he had to avoid getting noticed to avoid getting into fights. He suppresses his emotions like crazy & then when he gets really agitated he responds by flipping the fuck out & usually breaks shit.

    Anyway. I have one friend that I keep in close contact with, but she's now living a lifestyle that has her in the US for only about 3 months out of the year. She & I have been friends since jr high. Last night was her last day in the country - she departed today.

    He doesn't have any friends that he's close to besides me. There are 2 other people he can relate to some, but he talks with them very rarely & sees one of 'em maybe once a month. The other is one of his brothers & they work together but they just talk about hiking & trails they'd like to hit. Not much talkative shit. He & his bro have similar problems.

    It's typical for him to text me like crazy whenever the rare occasion that I leave to hang out with family or a friend without him. Except when I'm with my grandma. Last night was no exception - he did okay for a bit, but then the texts start trickling in & I can tell just by knowing him so well that he's gradually moving toward full on freakout. It gets to the point where I can't even keep up with reading his texts because he sends so damn many. All wanting to know who I'm with, if anyone has tried talking to me, if there have been any hugs at all ...

    ugh.

    So I put my foot down. Again. I don't want to deal with this every time I have a rare social outing. He's not social himself, doesn't like meeting people out anywhere. Just wants to go hiking. Some of my health issues have lead me to pass out & injure myself so I'm not too keen on it until I can get some treatment that will keep me from busting my bones. I'd love to join in the activity, but it's not a social one. I neeeeeeeed more socialization & I neeeeeed him to be willing to calm himself & try to get out a little bit more often.

    He pleaded that I not decide to end things. He doesn't want to. I don't want him driving me away any more, or else we'll ultimately end up separated.

    I'm not wearing his ring until we go to some lame couples counciling & try to sort this out. Still not sure if it will work out.

    Oh, goodie. He's all pissed again. Reacting to things I think are normal and necessary. This is never going to stop. He uses crazy person logic.

    Gawd I wish he'd just go make some friends to hang out with. I don't think I can stand being his only friend for the rest of my life.
     
  2. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    I would definitely recommend that you put off getting married until you have these issues resolved. As for whether or not to break up, you two should seek counseling. You have needs/desires that he's not giving you, and I would venture a guess that the opposite is true as well. More than anything, it sounds like you two need to learn to communicate better
     
  3. no lol today

    no lol today Soy la bailarina de la muerta. OT Supporter

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    We have an apt for Thursday for counseling. Made it today. We want to work through this. I'm just not sure if we can ultimately make it work.

    :(

    Hopefully he makes some kind of breakthrough, because I've just been shutting down & avoiding him in order to cope with all my stress.

    Doesn't help that I'm excessively sleepy. Usually asleep when he'd like to be spending time together. I keep telling him that we need to make plans for me to commit to. I've planned for a dance class & some other appointments to keep to try to get myself committed to staying awake more. Need to see my doc again & get the stupid amphetamines. I haven't been properly addressing the fact that my sleep has been majorly impacting/limiting both of our lives.

    thanks for the response :hsd:
     
  4. Fiasco

    Fiasco New Member

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    Definitely get some sort of middle ground action before the marriage commitment. Like you say, you don't want to be each others only friends for the rest of your lives... it's boring and dull. Not to mention draining.

    Couples therapy is a good idea and a good start. When you get there full disclosure is the key. If you're not addressing your physical condition properly then hitting the doc is also wise. So is planning activities that involve you spending time together as well as being social.

    I'd also go another step and encourage him to pick up a sport or a hobby. Soccer, basketball... anything that gets him into an environment with a chance to talk to other people. He might be a social recluse, but he's got no right to expect you to want the same lifestyle.

    Ultimately it takes two to tango. If both of you make a real try you might be surprised... but if one of you let's the team down, look out for more problems ahead.

    Fuck I'm getting old. Opinions are like assholes... everybody has one.

    PS Try to address the issues he has with you being more social in the first place. Questioning how many hugs you've gotten? Red flag.
     
  5. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    your sleep could be indicative of a lot of emotional problems. In any event, if it's a solid relationship, where you can both trust eachother and are loyal to eachother, it's worth trying to work through your respective issues. If you already have trust/loyalty issues, then there probably isn't much point.
     
  6. no lol today

    no lol today Soy la bailarina de la muerta. OT Supporter

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    • Damn right.
    • Anticipating difficulty with him being able to disclose. Have been trying to get him to counseling for years, but he insists he thinks it's a bunch of bs.
    • He used to fight in martial arts tournaments. He's trying to keep up with training in prep to return to classes.
    • Big red flag. Major battleground. Drives a serious wedge.


    :ugh: narcolepsy.

    I do admit that it's all to easy to escape by sleeping. Far too easy. Problem is, it's impossible to actually distinguish normal symptoms from emotional ones. You will not be inclined to believe me, but I'm dead fucking serious. Any disruption to sleep whatsoever & I'm knocked out for days. Literally.
     
  7. Dahlia

    Dahlia Active Member

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    It seems like you are dating my ex... He was the exact same way. It finally got to be so emotionally draining because he would freak out about the little things and refuse to see the side of reason and break up with me, and then he would be begging to get back with me. It didn't help that I lived with him, and I had no where else to go to. I finally smarted up and left, and now that I look back on it, I was staying because I thought it was the best to do and that I really truly loved him. My face got to be a gross wreck(stress holds in my skin) and I was just unhappy all the time even though I didn't realize it. Now that I left, my skin has cleared up, and I am much much happier and couldn't believe I put myself through that.
     
  8. kiri

    kiri New Member

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    i dated a guy like that once... and vowed never to do it again.

    once you are single or in a healthy relationship you will feel so liberated and wonder why you ever let it drag on for so long.
     
  9. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    you need to fix YOU before a relationship could have a chance to work, even with a normal person. add in that he's crazy and you're already screwed.

    get away from him. fix yourself. tell him to fix himself. plan a date in 6 months and if you still want to go on that date in 6 months, go. but expect that you're going to feel relief when he's not near you and that you're not going to want to go.

    and change your number and don't give it to him. but also expect that getting away from a crazy person isn't going to be easy.
     
  10. Daria

    Daria New Member

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    I'm in a similar situation, but without all the craziness. I'm the one that doesn't like to go out alot and misses the SO when he goes out without me. But every time he goes out, he asks me to come with him. I decline most of the time, but I appreciate that he asks. Maybe you can invite him to your outings too, even if it's just for the sake of asking?

    What your fiance needs is some sort of outlet to keep him busy while you are away, aside from constant texting. From what you've said, it seems the paranoia is way too high. I have anxiety when my SO goes away without me, but I busy myself with studying, exercise, reading, and computer games. So long as I keep my brain occupied, I don't miss my SO so much.

    So that helps me with missing my SO, but the paranoia you are describing is something else altogether that you and your fiance need to get sorted out. I think the councelling you are going to take can help find out why he's so paranoid and what you / he need(s) to do about it.
     
  11. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    I have been on both sides of the spectrum, recently I find myself in your SO's position, all be it much more diluted. My girlfriend actually broke it off with me recently because of it.

    I think it started with me letting my insecurities and paranoia grab hold of me. Little by little I felt it getting worse... This is because I didn't do anything about it. My life took a few really large turns lately and I have been stressed, had tunnel vision and well stopped doing things for myself. My SO became my only outlet and I constantly felt like I needed more of her, and as if she was not there for me....

    This ended up hurting her, because my behavior changed. She wasn't happy anymore, nor was I... I did some things to hurt her.

    Then when it was too late, I begged and pleaded making a complete fool of myself. Now I am realizing where I went wrong, and picking myself up. Giving her space and myself time to heal and remember who I was and what I enjoy doing.

    I feel like I lost myself and in doing so tried to find myself through her, this is wrong and unhealthy. I ended up hurting her tremendously, but I've learned. I am going to changing and working on it now and we'll see what the future has in store... Bring it!

    The problem is, my girlfriend was very closed up and quite. She had great difficulty letting me know how she felt or what she thought. I had great difficulty being patient with her ... I had lost that patience. So while I was acting a fool she was holding it in, building resentment and growing distant. I was noticing her distance and this was only adding to my insecurity and paranoia and the vicious cycle continued.

    At any point she could have had a real talk with me, or I could have said RELAX to myself and given her the patience/warmth she needed. Instead we were both looking out for #1... it was no longer love, but selfish protection.

    It only takes one of you to BREAK the cycle, but it takes both of you to get it working again.

    My best advice for you, is you need to be open, honest with him about how you feel but most importantly WARM. You need to have a talk with him and say you understand how he feels and appreciate and love him, that you understand he must be having a difficult time right now and you honestly feel awful that you can't do for him what he wishes.

    Tell him you believe he needs time to rediscover himself and that you need time also now to recover, that you are hurting inside and you have built up some resentment.

    Always be honest and open and if its meant to be he will see it and it will work out.

    Remember, it takes two to tango and if both individuals can look at themselves and gain perspective its more conducive to positive change in the future.

    Good luck :)
     
  12. no lol today

    no lol today Soy la bailarina de la muerta. OT Supporter

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    This.

    We've been working toward the positive outcome, but the problems you laid out sound right in line with what we're going through. We each tend to focus on the other & he does a lot for me, which detracts from him focusing on himself. It also gives me incentive to isolate myself because I don't have to do things on top of the isolation that comes from avoiding his freakouts. That leaves me resenting him & feeling like he's trying to cut me off from what I need in life. In our discussions it seems that this is an inadvertent outcome & that he is just really scared & anxious for no reason.
     
  13. no lol today

    no lol today Soy la bailarina de la muerta. OT Supporter

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    These are the feelings that I'm struggling with. And, I look a fuckload older after going through all the shit we've been through. Early in our relationship, a couple months after we moved in together, he started to really get shocked by the change. He still has outbursts now, but NOTHING compared to then. He was fuuuuucked up & I was on the verge of having the crisis team haul his ass off for a while. He was becoming dangerous to himself & to other people.

    I'd rather dump the stress than dump him, but it may not be feasible.
     
  14. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :werd: I am so thankful I ended that relationship before it went on too long.
     
  15. no lol today

    no lol today Soy la bailarina de la muerta. OT Supporter

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    Hehehe. I dated a guy who made me TRULY miserable before. Looking back on it, part of that is because I was sent home from bootcamp, rejected by my family, overworking to get insurance for diagnosis ... anyway, there was a lot on my plate & that dude was the most selfish, unsupported jackass & if he ever tried to speak to me I'd clock his fucking prettyboy face.

    This situation, however stressful, isn't quite as bad. Oddly enough. I have a supportive companion who occaionally disappears & is replaced by a monster.

    I am craving that liberation, though ...
     
  16. no lol today

    no lol today Soy la bailarina de la muerta. OT Supporter

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    Wtf? Fix what? Narcolepsy has no cure, all treatments are symptomatic & don't target the cause ... I've tried nearly everything I can to no avail. Lifestyle change has had the biggest positive effect, and he's been the one helping me achieve that.

    In all honesty, I have to have SOME help to get the essentials of life handled & he's been the only one who cares enough about me to offer it.

    If I'm going to be really honest I have to admit to myself that he is holding me back from owning up to & facing new & important responsibilities. Given the stress I get from him, I'm way too freaked out to be taken seriously ... hmm ...
     
  17. no lol today

    no lol today Soy la bailarina de la muerta. OT Supporter

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    I don't really have outings ... My friend flew out yesterday & she's the only person I've been close enough to to chill w/regularly.

    I have friends who I WANT to hang out with, but he's all sketched out on them because he doesn't know them & some of them are dudes (He always asks if I've done anything weird with any of them ... answer is NOOO & I don't want to! They're just nice god damned people that I'd like to say hi to in person every now & again!!).

    I've gotten him to SAY he'd be willing to come hang out with people which is awesome. That would be good for both of us. But who knows if he'll actually calm the anxiety & break the ice. I get the feeling the only reason he'd go is to be on :rolleyes: hug patrol :rolleyes: & protect his own interests.

    His anxiety/paranoia is so high I can literally smell it (Not BO haha) on him. He can't hide it from me, but I now he tries ...
     
  18. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    I don't think 7960 meant your illness, rather that every person has their problems that get in the way in relationships
     
  19. no lol today

    no lol today Soy la bailarina de la muerta. OT Supporter

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    Well, that's just silly. There's nothing wrong with me ... :hsugh:
     
  20. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    thank you, yes.

    You have no friends, no social life, you talk about your personal challenges that are considerably different than most, you admit your fiance is holding you back.............everyone has problems. Just from reading this I picked out 4 pretty big ones as far as relationships go, and I'm not even mentioning the medical issue.

    That's what I meant when I said fix you first. Sorry for the confusion.
     
  21. Pwen

    Pwen Guest

    I had a friend that was like your fiancee, he was anti-social to the hilt and terrified of groups of people. He ain't like that anymore because I challenged him and would call him out on anything I thought was anti-social and I'd always drag him to the bar etc. I sense almost no fear in him when it comes to social situations nowadays.

    That's what you have to do your fiancee, you have to challenge his masculinity, that's the fastest way to get a guy to do anything. Tell him straight up that he's anti-social and you need a man who will accompany you out.

    Tell him you love him for helping you with your lifestyle change and narcolepsy but now it's his turn to be helped by you.

    *edit

    Lol, be like, "what if I fall asleep and start leaning into my spaghetti? who's gonna catch me".
     
  22. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    thread title says it all....

    you don't TRY to break up with someone, you just do it
     
  23. no lol today

    no lol today Soy la bailarina de la muerta. OT Supporter

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    Dang, guys, can't a girl drop a facetious comment & not have it taken so serious?

    This is very practical advice. Hehe. & I like the challenge suggestion. I tend to baby him in an effort to get him comfortable, but I think maybe I need to stimulate the manpower he already has ... without kicking it into overdrive.

    :)
     
  24. no lol today

    no lol today Soy la bailarina de la muerta. OT Supporter

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    Okay, I made an effort to break up with my fiance, but after deliberation felt there was a condition that may save the situation and plan to pursue it :rolleyes:

    I didn't think this would be a good thread title & felt the current one essentially carried a similar enough message.
     
  25. Pwen

    Pwen Guest

    If your going to break it off and haven't tried the direct approach, it's worth a shot.

    Tell him his anti-social behavior is a problem for you and more importantly him, it's a problem for him. He needs an outlet to curb his explosions and his breaking of shit. He needs friends that he can BS with etc.

    Tell him it ain't working with the explosions and the hawking when your out.
     

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