SRS So I told my last LTR ex to never contact me again

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Falconer, Sep 11, 2007.

  1. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Background:

    Dated this girl for 1.5 years, spent about 5 days a week together for the last 6 of those months (we were practically living together). We talked about marriage, etc. We had never met anyone else who we got along with so well and were so perfectly on the same wavelength. When I had my list of "things I want in a GF," this girl fit like 99% of them (gorgeous, amazing in bed, same sense of humor, same taste in music, style, finance, food, movies, TV, same core values in life, same goals, etc.), except she was kind of nuts (as you'll see).

    Cliff's

    - We broke up in the first half of 07 and didn't talk for a few months. I was doing pretty ok

    - She called me like a month ago to ask me a computer question, and we ended up talking for like 2 hours (we have awesome chemistry and were always on the same wavelength). We ended up hooking that night. Bad idea. Wait, no. It was awesome, but it brought all the old feelings back, which sucked really bad for me.

    - We continue to talk occasionally online, but I realize that I don't like doing it.

    - Last Saturday she calls me (from a different number, otherwise I wouldn't have answered it) and asks me a cell phone question. She tells me about this guy she's seeing and I'm like "wtf, I don't want to hear this." Then she starts telling me how everything about me is better than with him and etc. Eventually the conversation turns to us. She starts crying and telling me how much she loves me and misses me and etc. She tells me to come spend the night with her. This breaks my heart, but...

    - I'm like "yeah right. I got burned last time, and you just finished telling me about this guy you're seeing." Besides, I already had plans with my friends.

    - Then Monday morning I get some txts from her saying how she really likes this guy and she's moving on and he makes her happy and stuff. I reply that I knew she really liked him on the phone on Sat, and that's why I didn't come over. Then I tell her to please never email, IM, call, or txt me again. I said if in the future I feel that we can be friends, I will let you know, but now I can't.

    - I get an IM from her that evening saying that she got my texts and this will be our last communication, but she said that once I buy a place I'm welcome to take her cat if I want (if you guys remember the cat drama from before). But for some fucked up reason, we end up chatting over AIM for like two more hours, reminiscing and stuff.

    - Strangely enough, as we're saying our goodbyes, my internet connection gets dropped. She calls me, crying her eyes out and apologizing for everything. She tells me how everything she does and everywhere she goes reminds her of me, how much she misses me, how she's still in love with me, etc. I say me too, and I wish things worked out differently. She said all she ever wanted was for us to be happy, and how ever since we broke up, every time her phone rang she hoped it was me, etc.

    - I remind her that she's dating a new guy, now, and he probably wouldn't want her calling her ex and confessing her love for him. I tell her she needs to figure out what she wants in life and to do what will make her happy. We wish each other well. I tell her to please respect my wishes and not contact me at all. And we finally say goodbye.




    I know it's kind of normal, but I hate myself for being so affected by her. I've been a mess ever since our phone call on Saturday. Imagine the girl you're still in love with calling you in tears and telling you how she's not over you and she loves you and misses you and thinks about you every day (basically the same things that happen to you), but at the same time, you know you can't be together. That fucks with your mind. It's like why? Why are you telling me this? If the next thing out of your mouth isn't "I realized I can't live without you and I would do anything, absolutely anything in the world to make it work between us," then stop telling me all this stuff that's just going to fuck with my emotions.

    I even told her when we were together that if we broke up that we couldn't be friends. We were too serious.

    So yeah, I have oneitis. And with good reason. It's very rare that you meet someone with whom you have such a perfect connection. It's not like "omg a girl talked to me, I have oneitis." It's oneitis based on statistical data. I'm scared of not finding someone else with whom I have that kind of connection (and who is really hot, haha).

    :hs: :wtc: :hs:
     
  2. Gibles

    Gibles the funny thing about my back is....

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    so why did you break up in the first place if everything was so good?
     
  3. verdiocchi

    verdiocchi Oh snap!

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    My thoughts exactly. If you both feel this way, what happened that you know it won't work out?
     
  4. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    We would fight a lot. So I know that, by definition, that means that everything was NOT so good.

    Plus, I honestly think she has some issues that she needs to work out. Maybe she has BPD. She would literally go from "I love you so much, I can't imagine not being with you" to "I'm not sure I want to be in a relationship right now" to "baby, I think you should move in with me."

    So when I say I loved everything about her, I'm referring to her traits, the everything that we had in common, and not to the dynamics of our relationship, if that makes any sense.
     
  5. verdiocchi

    verdiocchi Oh snap!

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    Gotcha.

    How old are you guys?
     
  6. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    I'm 26 she's 27.
     
  7. ///M Pilot

    ///M Pilot New Member

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    Your relationship sounds a lot like my last(current?) one.

    With one exception -- it was me that was up and down all the time. We were living together for almost 2 years. I finally attributed it to two things -- our relationship being amazing, and commitment issues. It was everything I ever wanted, but I wasn't ready for it. My relationship prior to that was horrendous, and really screwed me up for a long time afterward. It really sucks because now that I'm ready for it, I've done a lot of damage that I'm working to try and repair.

    Maybe after some time apart you will be ok.. never know.
     
  8. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Yeah. I had thought about that. But I don't want to feel like she's out "trying out" all these other guys, and then when she realizes I'm better than all of them, she comes back to me.

    That's probably coming from a place of insecurity, which I can admit, but that would still be a shitty feeling.

    It's like "yeah, what we had was the best thing ever... but just to convince myself of that, I had to go date/fuck a bunch of other guys... and now I'm sure that... no one compares to you, I'm ready to be with you."

    Fuck that.
     
  9. keysmachine

    keysmachine New Member

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    Cut the shit let me guess just the way she could move her tongue would have you pulling the bed sheets outta your ass. And she just could talk for hours and hours without ever stopping and all that good shit.

    And now you feel that she's the one, that this is it and all that other stuff I've heard SO MANY TIMES

    if I had a dollar for every guy that said "I think she's the one we get along like gears in a watch" or some other stupid analogy of how well things move together. I'm cashing my check and buying a spot on the moon and my own private island!

    You are fabricating things in your head due to your lack of options I've done it, other men have done it WE'VE ALL DONE IT. once you pick up speed and start to talk to more women all that "closeness" will go away. and you'll come to find that same connection in other women.

    Just admit it man, that's the reason why.. you don't have many if ANY other girls that your having fun with, talking to, just generally enjoying time with. Its ok to admit and its easy to fix you just gotta put yourself on that path.

    that's like when people drink beer, and they've only had a miller light and say this beer is my favorite. HOW DO YOU KNOW its your favorite unless you've tried them all. Sheesh its simple psychology

    EDIT : Or you can just do what i used to do when i was baby stepping myself out of my shell. Use her as a saftey zone while your sargeing other women. that way even if you get rejected you know her fake emotions and "fluff talk" will put your ego at ease and your ready to go again ;)
     
  10. calisteph6

    calisteph6 Active Member

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    The thing is that a person isn't perfect for you if they have that many issues and aren't as 100% that you are perfect for each other. So, you wern't perfect for each other. You have to cut off the communication (you did, but you have to stick to it) to get over them. I've been through it a few times and it sucks, but gets easier. Plus, for her age I'm surprised she's throwing out so much immaturity as to tell you about her new guy...that is super lame.
     
  11. verdiocchi

    verdiocchi Oh snap!

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    That's why I asked how old they are. Sounds like she's relatively immature so an adult relationship is probably out of the question for her completely, with the OP or anyone else.
     
  12. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    By saying the stuff she did, I wonder if she was trying to mess with me or what.

    For example, 4 years ago when I broke up with a gf of 3.5 years, I didn't say anything like "I wish he had worked out," or "I'm still in love with you," or "I wish things could be different and we were still happy together," or "I've never loved anyone as much as I loved you." I didn't say anything like that at all.

    So it's just hard for me because I wouldn't actually say anything like that unless I actually still wanted to be with the person. So when she says it, it makes it sound to me like she still wants to be with me, and that makes it 10 times harder to let go. And I wonder if she's saying it because it's true and she's confused, or if she's just playing one final game with me.

    That being said, she wouldn't be dating some other guy if she wanted to be with me. Amirite? And she wouldn't be txting me to tell me how much she likes him. Wouldn't she be busting ass trying to come up with some way for us to work things out? Actions speak louder than words. It makes no sense to cry on the phone with me for an hour, telling me how much she loves me, and specifically telling me that she knows that things won't be as good with this new guy as they were with me, only to go and date some other guy over me.

    That's basically like saying "I like you more than this other person, but I'm going to date them instead." What the fuck? WHY would you say that?

    So therefore she obviously can't decide what she wants, and should therefore by disqualified on principle alone, right?
     
    Last edited: Sep 11, 2007
  13. calisteph6

    calisteph6 Active Member

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    Of course she's trying to mess with you. She's a woman and she wants attention. Getting it from multiple guys is feeding her ego and making her feel good. Who doesn't like it when people of the opposite sex like them? You're feeding right into her BS by talking to her anymore.

    and remember, actions>words. She can say whatever she wants, doesn't mean it's true. She may not be trying to lie, just trying to say what she thinks you want to hear.
     
  14. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    I appreciate hearing that from a girl.

    Thanks.
     
  15. calisteph6

    calisteph6 Active Member

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    No problem...I went through a similar problem recently, so don't mind if my bitterness shines through my advice. :big grin:
     
  16. ///M Pilot

    ///M Pilot New Member

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    She's dating the new guy because she can't have you, and doesn't want to be alone.

    She's rubbing it in your face because she wants you back.

    Yes, she's messing with you.
     
  17. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    No dude, she could have me if she wanted, and she knows it.
     
  18. ///M Pilot

    ///M Pilot New Member

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    Well, in that case, she's just plain retarded, and you were justified in telling her to go away.

    Too much drama ftl. Sorry, man.
     
  19. keysmachine

    keysmachine New Member

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    wow honest and straight up i loves it.
     
  20. calisteph6

    calisteph6 Active Member

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    I don't think it's this at all and I think this is bad to even tell him. She doesn't know what the fuck she wants, but it isn't him.
     
  21. bowrofl

    bowrofl New Member

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    troof. i've been in a situation like this, and when it comes down to it... actions > words. let her talk all she wants, she's just trying to justify her actions to herself in some weird way.

    you're doing the right thing.
     
  22. Boosh Dag

    Boosh Dag Guest

    Damn Strait! I just recently got dicked around really bad by a girl I was head over heals for, everytime shes down she likes to call me and make herself feel better, but she'll never actually hang out. Don't believe a word an ex says, actions are everything.


    Thankfully I ignore her every attempt to speak to me now. :bigthumb:.....:hsd:
     
  23. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Yeah. When I read that post I was like "fuck... did I mess this up?" But then I thought about things and realized that there is no doubt in my mind that she knew exactly where I stood and what I wanted.

    I'm sure she's probably playing some kind of game. However, I'm also sure that pretty much all the stuff she said to me was true. I was with this girl for 1.5 years and you can't fake being head over heels in love with someone.

    That being said, all her LTRs before me cheated on her, and she had difficulty trusting people. I'm sure that's the source of some of her "issues." Since we were so on the same wavelength, things progressed really, really fast with us. I think that freaked her out. Things would be going well and she would just close off and be like "I don't think I want to be in a relationship right now..." and then the next day she would call me in tears about how much she missed me and wanted to be with me. At first I was like "wtf, nutcase" but then she told me how she was afraid to be hurt again, etc., and I tried to be more understanding.

    So anyway, she really did/does love me with all her heart. But there's also only so much I can put up with in a relationship, and dating another guy while she sorts out her feelings for me is more than I can deal with, even if it's because she's so crazy about me that she's afraid of being hurt. I deserve better.

    So toward the end of our conversation on the phone, I told her that she had to decide now. If we were meant to be together, she would know in her heart, and there would be no hesitation. Outside of the fighting and arguing and troubles that we had, there would still be the underlying, undeniable belief that we are "supposed to be together." I told her that if she had any doubt about that at all, that we were not meant to be together. She asked if she had to decide now. I told her yes, because she shouldn't need time to decide. I told her I wasn't going to wait around while she dates some other guy just to see if she really wants to be with me.

    I told her that, as a friend, I would encourage her to follow her heart.

    I told her that, as someone who is in love with her, I would hope that she would want to be with me.

    And I told that as someone who loves her, I want her to pick what makes her happy because I want her to be happy.

    She said she didn't know what she wanted.

    I told her I had my answer.

    We wished each other well and said goodbye.




    Just as a side note, was part of that AFCish? Definitely. Were there opportunities to use PUA tactics to shift things into my favor? Yes. But I made the decision before I even talked to her that I was not going to use any PUA stuff because if I have a loving, LTR, I wanted it to be because I'm acting like myself, and not because I'm doing specific things to bring about specific results.
     
  24. calisteph6

    calisteph6 Active Member

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    Honestly, you feed right into her ego and it was really fucking stupid. I really wish you had more self-esteem/pride than that. You deserve more than some girl who is going to jerk you around and I wish you would realize that. :hug:
     

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