SRS So, I look at my dad in a different light now, and I don't want anything to do w/ him

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Dorn, Mar 9, 2007.

  1. Dorn

    Dorn New Member

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    As some of you may remember, I was going through a lot of shit a few weeks ago, with the whole break-up/stop talking thing with my ex. I took the liberty of buying a few books written about anger and after reading them, I've realized a lot about myself.

    However, because of them, I look at my dad in a much, much different light than I used to. I know he was never really there for me as a father, but I never realized how much it affected me until I read these two books.

    As a kid, he was there for my sports games when he had the time. It was great, I loved him being there. However, when I wanted to do something with him, it seemed like he always had something else going on that was more important, such as sitting on the couch watching TV or sitting on the computer. When we had plans to do something, it seemed like something else came up, like taking a nap. There were a few times where we did go do something, but looking back, those were few and far between. Even going into my junior high days and high school days, and even now, whenever I ask him to do something he doesn't want to. Whether that's going to get a beer or going to play golf or going to baseball game, he doesn't want. He'd rather just sit at home instead, and it bugs the hell out of me. I'm to the point now where I just don't ask him because I know the answer.

    He never really was there as emotional support like a parent should be either. When something was bothering me as a kid, he always gave me the "just get over it" attitude. He never sat down with me and talked about things, discussed it and helped me get through it. Just got somewhat angry and told me to get over it. Because of this, I felt I had to trap in my feelings when I was at home, and I've continued to do that around everyone else because it made me feel better most of the time.

    I've always looked up to my father. He was a police officer when I was a kid, so I naturally looked up to him. He went through a lot to change careers, and I admired him for it. I know he was never there for me like I wanted him to be, but I didn't think about it all that much. I even remember him coming into my room one day after I got off school and he had gotten off work. He was crying and said "Sorry I never was the greatest dad" and went into his room. Nothing was ever said after that or tried after that by him to change.

    I can't look at him in the same light anymore. After reading these books, I've made it where I pretty much stay away from him. I don't eat dinner with the family anymore because I don't want to sit there and talk with him about things. When he's home for lunch and I'm in between classes, I come in my room and shut my door until he leaves, then I'll go out to eat something for lunch.

    The other problem is that, like I told my sister last week, I don't feel comfortable telling him while I'm living in the same house as him. I'm here for another 3-4 months or so. I don't want to tell him and make things even worse between us, but I hate living like this. It sucks looking down on him like this, but I guess that's life?
     
  2. 0zymandias

    0zymandias Despair!

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    Obviously I haven't been in the exact same kind of situation as you, but I had an emotionally distant father as well. He would be gone constantly, traveling to places around the world, and his way of "being a dad" was to get me stuff from the different countries. It wasn't until high school that I realized that he never really spent time with me or was interested in what I was like. Sure, he went to stuff I did (sports event and such), but there was no personal connection.

    The real change happened when I started confronting him on a daily basis. Nothing too major, just talking and a few (verbal) fights, but it really showed over the course of about a year.

    I don't know if it will help, but patience and perseverance seem like they should help. I hope everything turns out ok.
     
  3. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    They say a father is a stranger that happens to be related by blood to you.

    Its an unfortunate truth, but guess what you can actually make a change. You see , im in the same boat, i can only remember 1 thing of doing together with my dad, and that was when we once played a game of football together, those 10 minutes where the only one of my entire youth that id actually did something together with just me and my dad.

    I develloped a grudge ,But then you come to realise that there's more to it then just the 2 books you read, you see its not just your dad who isn't out there for you. Its practically everyone who isn't out there for you, we all try to make ourselves happy and we become miserable in the process. But guess what you can do something. You can be there for your dad.

    My relationship with my father was terrible, that was 'until' we got a simular interest namely computers, then suddenly we had wonderfull conversations, and we could communicate.

    So take the initiative and keep taking the initiative to be on the same frequency with your dad, on a thing that interests both of you, and you'd be amazed how much your relationship could improve.
     
  4. ChaCha

    ChaCha Active Member

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    Daddy Daddy wasn't there
    Daddy Daddy wasn't there to take me to the fair
    It seems he doesn't care
    Daddy wasn't there

    Daddy Daddy wasn't there to change my underwear
    It seems he doesn't care
    Daddy wasn't there
     
  5. Nanook

    Nanook New Member

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    My father was also minimally involed in my life, and it took me a few years after my older brother moved out of the house to realize that no matter how much it bothered me, I couldn't change my father.

    At that point I realized that he did teach me a valuable lesson; how NOT to be a father should that day ever come upon me. I also knew at that point that I had to become the main male figure in my 3 younger brothers lives and do what my Father couldn't. They may not understand it completely, but I give them a lot of advice and guidance I wish my father would have given me. :dunno:

    What i'm getting at here is that if you have grown up to be a competant and good individual in life, you shouldn't hold it against your father. When he came into your room crying about not being the greatest father, he demonstrated that he acknowledges his own fault and it sounds like he had (or has) trouble communicating any more then that to you. You can't chanage your Father, so at least take what you can from him and become a better individual then he was.

    Could you elaborate more on how you feel towards him now? Not speaking to him stems from what? Anger, resentment, dusguist?
     
  6. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    I think many of our fathers aren't really involved in our lives, I know my father for the greatest part surely wasn't, he was also very critical of me no matter what I did, it wasn't up to standard... you know what, soon you must realize that it all starts and ends with the self, that although we can blame anyone and everyone on our emotions and our downfalls it is still our responsibility, how we perceive, react to things its all us... we're all different beings, there shouldn't be a sense of duty between us, true love renders love unto others...
    So let it start from the self, begin to realize you have the power, to do what you will and to change how you desire.
     
  7. kpop

    kpop New Member

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    just think of him as a guy that doesnt like you

    he doesnt hate anything in particular about you, but you know how there are some people where you just plain dont like them nor want to get to know them ?

    thats probably how your father feels about you. just move on really and dont get stuck on the topic

    you most likely dont need your fathers support but are just longing from it after seeing so many movies where the father is perfect compared to yours
     
  8. darnit

    darnit New Member

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    get over it.. He is who he is. Maybe he did the best he knew how.
    I had the same thing, an emotionally distant dad.. OH well. He also was my step dad and treated my brother, his real son better.. so what.. Yes I held anger towards him.. I grew up though.
    His background only allowed him to have certain emotions/reactions. But it could have been worse.
    I think to place YOUR values on his actions is a selfish move. We all do it.. place our values on others and then get disappointed when they dont live up to our expectations.
    Did he sexually abuse you?
    Did he beat you?
    Did he beat your family?
    Did you live out of a car?
    Did you starve for days on end?

    If not.. GREAT.. so he wasn't what you felt you deserved as a kid.. oh well.
    Im not saying your wrong for feelings of anger. But get over it, dont blame him for doing what was probably the best he knew.

    I took the good qualities from my dad and used those as a model for my life and took the things I felt should have been different and used those as well of a model of what not to do.

    Cliffs:
    Move on.. stop blaming him for his mistakes,he can do that himself. Love him for who he is, not what you want him to be.
    And be thankful you even have a father.
     
  9. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    ^:werd:

    If the only problem was that he wasn't "there for you" enough then you're doing pretty good. I don't think men were expected to show emotion as much back then. Their job was to take care of the family by working to provide the things you need. No one ever teaches people how to be parents either, you are expected to just fend for yourself and learn things as you go. He's already told you that he was sorry for not being a great dad so he does realize that he wasn't perfect. He's not going to be able to just suddenly change out of nowhere unless he sees a therapist. There's no reason for you to not want to talk to him now, that's really immature. If anything, at least sit down with him and talk to him about how you feel.
     
  10. Dorn

    Dorn New Member

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    I dunno. I just don't have the urge to talk to him right now, or do anything with him.

    I take after him a lot in personality as far as dealing with stress and any problems that arise. I let my anger and stress get to me and deal with it negatively. Whenever there was a time of bickering between my mom and him, he would yell, say things under his breath, talk down to her, etc. I saw that and it never clicked to me that that was the wrong way to act. You watch your dad do things, and you internalize them as being taught that something. I hate what he did to my mom, I hate what he did to this family a lot, and I hate what he did to me a lot.

    I mean, it's my dad. I can't just stop talking to him like I could with another friend that I realized had a negative affect on me. He's my dad, he gave me life, I do love him, but I just don't want anything to do with him right now. It feels weird.
     
  11. Dorn

    Dorn New Member

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    Not speaking to him stems from pretty much those three. Disgust and resentment with how he's treated myself and the rest of my family, and anger looking at what I've learned from him and how I take after him.
     
  12. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    So you've come to the realization that your father was imperfect and wasn't always there for you, and you've decided you want nothing to do with him

    sounds like you still have anger issues
     
  13. Dorn

    Dorn New Member

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    Right now I don't, no, not really. Even now, he doesn't do anything bug agitate me, and it makes me feel worse.
     
  14. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    :dunno: you're obviously angry with him over the past, and it also seems like you're blaming him for who you are today.
     

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