So I just split up with my fiancee of 3 years..

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by ZiRo, May 25, 2008.

  1. ZiRo

    ZiRo fail

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    I'm 20, I lived with her and her parents for the past 2 and a half years.

    I have split up with her because we weren't enjoying the relationship. She said I didn't make her happy, She doesn't really make me happy.

    She suffers from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and doesn't get out much or enjoy doing things a typical young adult does. She does not work because her illness is unpredictable, therefore cannot keep set hours. However on the flip side she does not like doing things spontaneously outside of her comfort zone, where she feels out of control and worries about becoming ill in an unfamiliar situation.

    Last year I got my first salaried job. I have made new friends and want to do social activities with them, drinking, clubbing, etc etc My fiancee does not approve too much - she lets me go 50% of the time and I am not trusted to stay at someone's house (I typically socialise a good 25 minutes away, or a £50($100) taxi ride). Not being funny, but I feel I shouldn't be told what I can and can't do.

    I have recently started to consider life without my fiancee - I was living with her and her parents, rent was good, everything was catered for. I was comfortable. I have no family in the area, a small catalogue of work colleagues/friends but thats it. I've never moved out of "home" before - I don't class moving from my Mums to my fiancees as moving out - it was home away from home.

    I'm staying with a work mate at the moment, It's not ideal but I can't afford to rent a whole house. I'm going to keep with it - I want to be more agile. I want to be happy and I wasn't happy in the relationship. She doesn't seem interested in keeping the relationship alive under these circumstances anyway.

    I feel so guilty that I was unhappy in the relationship entirely due to the results of her illness and sheltered day-to-day life.

    CLIFFS: Fiancee ill, homebound, doesn't get out much, tells me i'm not mean't to have a social life, moved out on my own for the first time, I feel bad for leaving her due to her illness/sheltered living.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 25, 2008
  2. Skeletor

    Skeletor Guest

    I think you possess a terribly poor understanding of how the "cliffs" system is to be properly utilized.




    That minor detail aside, I'd say you've made the right decision. She sounds controlling and, granted it's out of her fear of losing you and not because she's some evil person, that is not beneficial to you at all. You're only 20 and you need to live your life, so personally I think you made the right decision. I mean if you guys got engaged at 17 it's pretty obvious that there is something off about the relationship and both of you (or maybe just her) wanting to commit too soon.

    To me it seems logical that she has been afraid from the get-go that her condition will render her unable to meet guys, because once you came along she clung on as tight as she could and that's why you've been so restricted. It's selfish but you can't really blame a person in that position for acting that way. I would try to remain on good terms with her but definitely keep enough of a distance that you can meet new people and live a life that is not limited by someone else's illness.


    Lastly, I think that by leaving her you are doing more good than harm. Not only are you freeing yourself of a major burden (regardless of how much you love her, from an outside perspective this relationship is a burden on you) but you are putting her in a position where she has to sink or swim. If she wants to meet more guys she will have to combat her illness and find a way into the real world where she can do that. By remaining in her life as a partner you only free her from that need, and eventually if you guys stay together she will wind up old, sheltered, and helpless. Since she is still young she has the best chance of overcoming her illness and making a life for herself as best she can.


    I'm sure there are other perspectives on this, but that's mine.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 25, 2008
  3. djshotglass

    djshotglass New Member

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    I just looked up chronic fatigue syndrome and it sounds like a load of BS to me. Anything could be a cause of fatigue such as diet, lack of exercise, etc. To me it just sounds like they're just looking for something to blame it on. But I have no idea what's happening to her so of course I could be completely wrong.

    And yeah good plan ditching that mess.
     
  4. ZiRo

    ZiRo fail

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    Linky? :sadwavey:

    It's been a while since I've been around - early 2005 I think. I've always used it as a quick summary in emoty-posts so people don't have to read all my bollocks.

    Thanks for your perspective, very swiftly concluded and explained, cheers.
     
  5. djshotglass

    djshotglass New Member

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    cliffs is short for cliffnotes and is meant to summarize your post in a sentence or two. Maybe you were using it right but it looks like you weren't because cliffs usually goes at the top or bottom and it looks like your whole post was cliffs :p
     
  6. ZiRo

    ZiRo fail

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    Phrases like 'terribly poor' suggests to me that I was way off. If you're correct, I was only lacking placement and grammar.
     
  7. ZiRo

    ZiRo fail

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    CFS is really an illness you have to live with and see on a daily basis to understand that it obviously affects people. It's the perfect 'excuse' illness - I'll grant you that. My ex-fiancee was at a top performing arts school over here in the UK when she was diagnosed with it. She had to leave a ~£8,000 ($16,000) per year school and potentially a career because of this thing.
     
  8. fray

    fray New Member

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    He cliffed first, so you could stop reading, instead of at the end, I think.

    Edit: which I now see someone above has already pointed out...
     
  9. fray

    fray New Member

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    I don't think it's your job to stay and take care of her if you are unhappy. That is what her family is for, and that is what they are doing. It's hard not feel guilty, but you are really not leaving her because she got sick. You are leaving because you are unhappy with how controlling she is - that's her personality, not her illness.
     
  10. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    that alone was reason enough to break up with her if she seriously meant it.

    But yeah, you did the right thing. She seems way too controlling and insecure to be in a healthy relationship...and I'd love to know how she thought she could get away with telling you what you could and could not do.
     
  11. ZiRo

    ZiRo fail

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    Because if I defied her and we split up, I would have lost my home.. I lived under her roof. That is why I have gotten out - so I know that I'm not just staying there out of habit/comfort.

    She has said the following recently, almost word for word:
    • You never used to like going out, so why do you now?
    • You never used to drink vodka + redbull, you used to dislike it so why do you drink it
    • Going out clubbing is what single people do

    I don't think she's in touch with the real world. People change a lot between the age of 17 and 20, I've got a job, I've got different mates etc.
     
  12. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    wow, she is a whack job. I mean, in some part she's going to be super controlling and insecure because she doesn't have confidence in herself to keep a bf.

    How did you end up living with her in the first place?

    And I assume from your post that you're only 20? Why on God's green earth would you get engaged so early? You say you've changed a lot since 17...you'll change a lot more until you hit about 25.

    Hell man, the sheer fact that you hadn't been out in the world on your own would be enough to tell you you weren't ready to get married.

    Oy, glad to see you got your head together and ended that relationship. Get your own place (or with roommates, but someone you're not romantically involved with), live the single life for a while, and for the love of god, don't be in any hurry to get married.

    I'm 24, and have no desire to get married or engaged at this point.
     
  13. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    CFS is no joke.

    I believe it's related to Fibromyalgia, which someone in my family has, and that is no joke either. It sucks ass.
     
  14. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Good. I mean come on...who the fuck is engaged for 3 years and lives with their fiancee's parents...at 20 years old!? :ugh:

    You are young and you did the right think before it was shit got even more complicated. I mean, where the hell were you guys even planning on going in your life? Did you even have a wedding date set? Once you tied the know would you continue to live at her parents house :hsugh:

    You need to experience life for yourself, this girl wasn't growing with you in the relationship, she was holding you back and keeping you restricted.

    Move the hell out of her folks house now and get your own place. Experience life because you've got many years to go.
     
  15. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    i agree with the idea that 20 is too young to be engaged
     
  16. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    so you have changed, thats what is to be expected in life, especially between 17 and 20.

    if you are not happy with her, then you owe it to yourself and her to break it off. dont feel like you must stay with her just because she has an illness. the illness has a negative effect on her personality and on the relationship. you want more from the person you are with, and eventually, married to, so go out and find the person who is able to give that to you

    you are young and still growing up. while i am sure you two felt like you were in love when you first were engaged, things have obviously changed and she doesnt sound like a good choice for you anymore.

    while she might not be able to go out or do new things, that in no way means she should not be supportive of you living your life.

    good luck finding your new place to live and moving out on your own for the first time. and enjoy it :)
     
  17. ZiRo

    ZiRo fail

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    Just a quick update.

    I went to see her yesterday with a view to sorting things out. I think we both impressed each other with our willingness to sort problems out that we had.

    Basically it became clear that we had just stopped talking to each other about our problems we had with each other.. We found we could suggest simple solutions to the problems and vowed to tackle problems by talking in the future. I actually enjoyed talking to her, we were having a conversation about the stuff that we found difficult about each other and it was great.

    That's not to say it's all fixed - far from it. There is a lot of work still to do, but my plans to completely disappear are on hold at least until we've given it a go. I think it's worth trying to sort things out but at least the episode has given me the confidence to up sticks and move out if needed, so I never feel trapped with nowhere to go. I'm staying away until Friday still.

    I'm not saying I've completely gone against all the advice here, which incidentally was the same advice I was getting in Real Life(tm) - I've just given ourselves a chance to sort things out. I missed her, I did, which I think is a positive thing. If i'd gone round and felt nothing, there wouldn't have been a future for our relationship.

    Anyway, we'll see how things go and I'll let you know. Thanks for all your advice, regardless of what happens in the future.
     
  18. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Even if you do stay together...call off the engagement, and do not even think about marriage for a few years. Don't worry about it until you guys get to the point where you have your own living arrangement, away from her parents.
     
  19. yankeeschick14

    yankeeschick14 New Member

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    I'm glad you two talked. Just so long as the lines of communication are open, and you're both being allowed to grow freely and experience new things together and alone, the relationship can work.

    I would advise against taking the easy route out and just walking off when things get difficult. If you're seriously considering marrying this girl, you need to have better communication skills than you both do now. You cant just want out on a marriage so easily.

    Did you two even have a wedding date planned? or was this just some open-ended thing
     
  20. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    If she's not satisfying you in your relationship there is no reason to stay. If you have tried talking to her and nothing has helped, then I suggest you move on, better now than later when it would be much more difficult.
     
  21. ZiRo

    ZiRo fail

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    We've been back living together for a week now. Things are positive, we're much happier now we're talking to eachother a bit better. Obviously it's not completely sorted over night - we're working at it.

    I'm really enjoying being happy with her. We're both much better off for our time apart and improved communication.
     

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