SRS So I have trouble fitting in(anonymous thread)

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Darketernal, Jul 17, 2009.

  1. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    When I was younger all I can remember was wanting to be liked by people. I changed a lot of things to make people like me, the way I looked, my accent, the way I acted and so many stupid things. In the end I was always made fun of or I found out the people I thought were my friends really weren’t and that hurts. I can remember the sick feeling in my stomach it kept giving me. Moving around as much as I was did not really help either by losing the people I knew and trying to make new friends. In some strange way I thought it was a bliss though, I felt like I could try again from a blank page.. but like I said before it always ended the same. I would be made fun of, bullied or played around with.

    So I think that changed me a lot and I grew up. I’m older now, 25 year old woman. People say I am quiet, shy, sincere and funny. That is what everyone says about me. That is just my shell and it is as close as I will let people get to know me. Because I know once I let them in closer, they will find out I am not interesting or something.. and hurt me in some way. At work, at training, the few friends/aqauintances I have.. they all encourage me to be more open and social.. like they can see what I am doing, that I am trying to not draw attention to myself . It is really annoying. Because I know when if I do this what they say people will back away from me again. And it is going to hurt because I can’t lie to myself about it then. I have been fine with being like this but I don’t want to be made fun of.

    Once every so often.. I will meet a friend I can really be friends with. And we are wonderful friends and this friend brings out the best in me and I feel like they help me grow and help my confidence. My last friend like this I have not spoken to in 2 years.. because.. I let them in too close and when they see how pathetic and fragile I really am I can’t take it so I have to push them away. I did this a lot to this friend. I would disappear and hide in a cave then come back after awhile. I have been disappeared for 2 years now. I really miss my friend. I don’t know why I do this so I don’t know what to say to them. Sigh. The real relationships I have been in has not been that good either. The last one almost destroyed me. That was 3 years ago.. and I still feel like I don’t want to get into another one from bad memories.

    I’m so sick of being alone. Being like this and unable to change. Because I don’t really have any real friends or no good family, I get really involved in whatever I’m doing like spend time on my computer or read books or my training. I let myself get lost in it. Training is the only thing that makes me feel good. I like playing videogames but it makes me feel rotten so I go to training to lift my spirit. On the outside I’m always positive, can make a joke or two and never complain but inside I am so sad of life.
     
  2. GFlem

    GFlem New Member

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    You're not sick of being alone; you're thriving on it masochistically. The fact that you say you're unable to change is proof.

    Else you'd be taking steps that didn't involve the internet to fix it.

    Go see a psychologist. Print this thread out and show it to them if you're "not comfortable letting him/her in."

    Then listen to exactly what they say and follow it to the letter.

    Also - stop doing this:

    Until you stop wallowing in this depression that you've created for yourself, you'll never get better.
     
  3. Deepsouthwrx

    Deepsouthwrx If in doubt, flat out!

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    I'm kinda the same way, I stay at home, read books, don't play as many video games as I used to but I every now and then. I just turned 24 and look back at the last 4 years or so and see how much I turtled myself in, once I realized how unhealthy and depressing it was for me I started venturing out of my comfort zone and doing things I hadn't done before. I have few friends but the ones I do have know most things about me, but not all. I've never had a friend I could honestly tell everything too, I don't know how many people do.

    If you would like some other opinions/thoughts you can PM me and I'll go into more detail.
     
  4. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

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    You spend most of your life trying to play a part. Then when you find yourself in a position to find out who you actually are all you can be bothered doing is wallowing in self pity.

    You need an identity and you need to be comfortable with it, before anyone else can
     

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