When I was younger all I can remember was wanting to be liked by people. I changed a lot of things to make people like me, the way I looked, my accent, the way I acted and so many stupid things. In the end I was always made fun of or I found out the people I thought were my friends really weren’t and that hurts. I can remember the sick feeling in my stomach it kept giving me. Moving around as much as I was did not really help either by losing the people I knew and trying to make new friends. In some strange way I thought it was a bliss though, I felt like I could try again from a blank page.. but like I said before it always ended the same. I would be made fun of, bullied or played around with. So I think that changed me a lot and I grew up. I’m older now, 25 year old woman. People say I am quiet, shy, sincere and funny. That is what everyone says about me. That is just my shell and it is as close as I will let people get to know me. Because I know once I let them in closer, they will find out I am not interesting or something.. and hurt me in some way. At work, at training, the few friends/aqauintances I have.. they all encourage me to be more open and social.. like they can see what I am doing, that I am trying to not draw attention to myself . It is really annoying. Because I know when if I do this what they say people will back away from me again. And it is going to hurt because I can’t lie to myself about it then. I have been fine with being like this but I don’t want to be made fun of. Once every so often.. I will meet a friend I can really be friends with. And we are wonderful friends and this friend brings out the best in me and I feel like they help me grow and help my confidence. My last friend like this I have not spoken to in 2 years.. because.. I let them in too close and when they see how pathetic and fragile I really am I can’t take it so I have to push them away. I did this a lot to this friend. I would disappear and hide in a cave then come back after awhile. I have been disappeared for 2 years now. I really miss my friend. I don’t know why I do this so I don’t know what to say to them. Sigh. The real relationships I have been in has not been that good either. The last one almost destroyed me. That was 3 years ago.. and I still feel like I don’t want to get into another one from bad memories. I’m so sick of being alone. Being like this and unable to change. Because I don’t really have any real friends or no good family, I get really involved in whatever I’m doing like spend time on my computer or read books or my training. I let myself get lost in it. Training is the only thing that makes me feel good. I like playing videogames but it makes me feel rotten so I go to training to lift my spirit. On the outside I’m always positive, can make a joke or two and never complain but inside I am so sad of life.