So I blew it.... now what?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by whunpac, Jun 28, 2006.

  1. whunpac

    whunpac New Member

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    I met this girl and we hit it off instantly, hooked up that night. I told her I wanted to take is slow, but she kept calling me everyday. This is in a small ski resort town so it's not like she had a lot of other people to hang out with.

    I saw her pretty much every day for the next 2 months, spending the night with her most of the time. My lease was up at the end of the next month and I was having trouble finding a place to live, she said I could move in with her (it would help out with her $900 a month rent). She was really into me, and I was scared at how quickly things were moving. I became distant. She got closer to me. She was making me dinner, buying me gifts, etc., and I wasn't doing a whole lot in return. Then I got really drunk the night before a big day and slept in, she called me very anrgy and in my incorherent state I just didn't really care, and I didn't bother calling her all day (I slept all day). So the next she says it's over, I apolozige and get emotional, I wasn't crying but I got shaky and welled up. She says OK we'll just take a break. Then I left flowers at her house before she got home that night. Then I called her a couple of times over the next few days, saying things like "I really like you" "I didn't know what I had until it was gone", "I was a complete asshole", etc. Thanks, but I still think we should take a break she said. I ended up hanging out with her just as friends but with other people a couple times soon after that, which was awkward but seemed to go well (I got charm). Finally I couldn't take it anymore and I demanded an answer from her, are we seeing other people or not? And she said well I still care about you but... (pause). And I said, spare my feelings - you're not attracted to me anymore? She said yes. And so we ended it. But we both agreed to still be friends. So it's been a month and we talk every now and then, maybe once a week for 15 minutes or so.

    What I would like to know is:

    Was it a complete mistake to get emotional, buy her flowers, and call her saying things like "I really like you" etc.? What is the best way to handle a situation like that?

    How can I tell if she still has feelings for me? She still calls me, but maybe she just feels 'bad' because I was so hurt by the whole thing.

    What should I do, or not do, to increase my chances of getting back together with her in the future? I ended up moving back to my home town for unrelated reasons, which she happens to be from as well (coincedence). She will be living there for another year to finish up school and then moving back here. She will be visting here (family) frequently in the mean time. I will probably be visting there (to ski) as well.

    Thanks to anyone who has the patience to read this.
     
  2. whunpac

    whunpac New Member

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    True, I didn't want someone to be attatched.

    Maybe I just want to get back with her so bad because I am cocky and I want what I can't have. When I was with her I would always worry about getting in too deep and then having a nasty breakup. Women always seem to get attatched to me and I'm too empathetic to just treat them like objects. I didn't want to hurt her feelings. But then I grew to actually like her and she hurt my feelings when she ended it. It was the complete oppisite of the way I expected it to end. And that made me realize that she's smarter than I thought, which made me more attracted, but it was too late at that point. Intelligence, or lack of ignorance more specifically, is the number one thing that attracts me to a woman. It's like she passed the test by not putting up with my crap, but for me to realize that the relationship had to end. It's almost a catch-22.

    The problem with that situation is I didn't have a lot of options. The place where I was living had a guy to girl ratio of like 5 : 1. All the decent chicks had boyfriends, and the only girls left were scum (not trying to be harsh, just to lazy to think of a better word) - I have very high standards. I happened to meet this girl through a mutual long time friend who thought we would make a good couple, and this girl is really picky so she hadn't found a guy yet. The week I broke up with her she had 10 guys asking her for dates. It's a competitive environment for sure.

    At the time I met her she said there was another guy she was kind of interested in, but that she picked me instead. The last time I talked to her, she called me back when she was at home midday (I had called her earlier to give information about a job and she didn't answer) and during the conversation I heard her talking to someone else. Who's that I asked casually and she said it was that guy. Sounds like she's trying to make me jealous, or maybe just sublty hinting that she is over me and with this dude now.
     
  3. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    Yes. No doubt about it.

    Don't get emotional, buy her flowers, and call her saying things like "I really like you" etc.

    Cut off all contact with her. Nothing skyrockets a woman's interest like refusing to have anything to do with her.

    In my opinion, its over, and its your fault. You verbalized that you wanted the relationship to progress slowly, but then you allowed it to get too close too soon because you were weak and gave in to her. Then you slept in and she got pissed and instead of blowing it off and letting her come back to you, you went to her with an apology and all these feelings and you basically handed her your nutsack. So even if you get back with her, she now has your nutsack and all the power in the relationship. In my opinion, you had hand in the beginning and she was wrapped around your little finger, but now its fucked unless you want a girlfriend to run your life which I'm sure she will be happy to do.

    And learn to read signs of interest. Her calling you all the time in the beginning isn't because she was bored, it was because her interest level was very high. When interest is high, you have the advantage. By giving her so much of your time and then supplicating to her when she got mad, you gave her what you thought she wanted, but in reality what you gave her lowered her interest in you. You have to be strong enough to set limits in the beginning and always follow through on what you say you will do.

    Telling her "we are going to take it slow" means she is going to test you to see if you will stick to what you said, and you failed the test. Her getting mad about you sleeping in was also a test that you failed. Its your right to sleep in all you want, and if she gets mad thats her problem not yours. As a sidenote, if you make a committment to her and you don't follow through, she has every right to be mad. So don't make committments unless you know you will follow through.

    What you should have done in the beginning is limit the time she was able to see you, not move in with her, and basically just chill and live your separate life, but when you do spend time with her make it quality time that she enjoys and thats all that you have to do (other than hit it out of the park in bed, of course). Everything else we do in relationships is extra bullshit that can only cause problems. If you see a woman once or twice a week and don't live with her, you can easily keep her interest very high for an extended period of time.
     
    Last edited: Jun 29, 2006
  4. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    Yeah, Shibster and Yail both have it nailed. When you came crawling back, it was unattracttive to her. She enjoyed when you were more independant, more mature, and more of a challenge.

    Notice how you said she had ten guys ask her for dates right afterwards? That's what she's used to. When you *didn't* ask her out, didn't smother her like most other guys, it made you stand out from the crowd. For once, you were the guy who was not kissing up to her.

    When she said it was over, that would have been an opportunity for you to realize that it was a test. You could have handled it in a number of different ways, but not by chasing after her. If anything, you could have flirted with her, joked with her, etc., and basically been the same guy you had been.
     
  5. bandwagon

    bandwagon Copy/Paste

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    The best way to handle a breakup is "Hey, thanks for all the wonderful memories" and then cut off all contact.
     
  6. whunpac

    whunpac New Member

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    No, she isn't crazy. Trust me, that crossed my mind. I am always weary of getting involved in a relationship with a crazy girl. I think she got as attatched as she did because I am attractive as is and I played my cards right. I am tall, farily good looking, in good shape, very intelligent and knowledgable, and great with people (guys and girls). To top if off I have spent a good amount of time studying theories of attraction. I definately had the control.

    It wasn't so much that I was weak and gave into her, it was (A) she was by far the best option around at the time (remember, this is a small town with an extremely lopsided ratio), so what was I going to do, go to he bar and hang out with ugly chicks / losers / girls who are taken, when I know I could go get laid by a girl who is attractive all around (if this had happened in the city I would have never allowed things to escalate so quickly) and (B) the more I got to really know her, the more I started to actually fall for her (as opposed to just being attracted). I told myself in the beginning that I wouldn't let that happen, but I stopped caring because I began to realize that we compliment each other very well. I was a good catch for her and she was a good catch for me. We are both very balanced people - both smart/nerdy types going to college with drive to be very successful in the future, but also very social people who like to party, we have very compatible senses of humor, both love skiing and living in the mountains but are city dwellers at heart, both have very high standards when in comes to significant others but in general as well, etc. - there is a lot in common. I tend to take things to the extreme and she tends to be more reasonable, practical, and reserved. So she was good for me becuase she helped me quit smoking ciggarettes, and stopped me from basically partying my life away, etc. I was good for her becuase I helped her get out more, and basically enjoy life more. As far as I could see we went together very well, well enough that I actually considered her wife material. So when I said I wanted to take things slow it was because I just wanted a fuck buddy, not a girlfriend, but slowly I realized that she was more than that.

    And in that sense I'm glad we broke up becuase I'm 21 and that was my first real relationship - not because I have trouble with girls, but because I have very high standards and up until her I had never met a girl I would want anything beyond a casual/sexual relationship with - and if I ever do get married it definately isn't going to be soon. You're probably thinking I'm just young, inexperienced, and naive which is true to an extent, but, I am very mature for my age and I am a people watcher - I know people very well. I am a very social person and I see my friends go in and of relationships a lot, and I am always making note of why things didn't work out. Many of my friends are seeing several girls at once, casually. But that just doesn't seem to be my style. I do however want to do a lot more exploring before settling down.

    Basically I would like to at least have her as an option in the future, and it seems like cutting off ALL contact with her would really decrease the chance of seeing her again.

    I should have gone with my gut instinct in the way I handled the 'fight'. I wasn't going to buy hew flowers, and call and say all that stuff but I took the advice of a female friend, the one who hooked us up, and I told her the way I felt and she said I should call her and tell her that. So I reluctantly did and I knew it was a mistake after I did, but then I wasn't sure. I guess it is usually a bad idea to take advice from a female on how to handle a situation like that (the girl who gave me advice is very needy herself).

    It didn't help that I had gone from smoking marijauna several times per day, everyday, to quitting cold turkey right after she broke up with me (I had been wanting to quit or at least seriously cut back for a while). I don't know if you guys have ever done that but marijauna withdrawal - I was smoking a gram of the chronic to the head per day, that's a lot - can be very difficult, it put me in a very vulnerable state of mind (depressed, irritable, trouble sleeping, lack of appetite, lack of motivation, ect.), and it basically threw me uncontrollably into depression. If I hadn't been dealing with serious marijuana and alcohol abuse (I also quit drinking at the same time, when I had been drinking a lot as well). I probably wouldn't have reacted in such a "wussy" way. That's not me, I am always the most emotionally stable guy around.

    Yeah she has a lot of choices for dates right now, most of them are duche bags, there are a couple of decent guys. But I know that I am the best choice for her, she is going to date other people and get some fullfillment out of it, but I think deep down in her heart she will know I am the better man. When she moves back to the city it's more likely she'll meet someone comparable to me. If I cut all contact with her then she isn't going to come crawling back, because she is strong and independent and she knows that life is too short too be desperate. So I think I will let us grow more distant, but still stay in SOME concact with her, maybe once every few months.

    I would love to hear any other comments/suggestions. Thanks for all the input so far! I will try to give back to this community with input in other threads - it feels really good knowing I have a place to get advice from people who are interested and (at least seem to be) knowledgeable.
     
  7. huntz0r

    huntz0r New Member

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    You guess correctly. But don't beat yourself up too much over it, just make sure not to repeat your mistakes.

    So she'll come back but she won't come back? Is something going to stop her from calling if it dawns on her after 6 months that she still loves you?

    Sorry man, but most likely it isn't going to happen. I know it isn't what you want to hear. But, not to put too fine a point on it, you screwed the pooch and lowered her interest level - probably to less than 50% from the sound of it, since she is pushing you away. And once it dips below 50% it never comes back.

    My advice is write her off and go find someone new. You gotta stop rationalizing from your own desire, deep-six your ONEitis for this chick, and keep moving.. If she wants back in, she'll come to you, but don't hold your breath.
     
  8. whunpac

    whunpac New Member

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    Well it's not like I am not seeking other women. I want to explore my options as much as I can, but out of the hundreds of women I've met and gotten to know, this is the only women I've ever wanted to be in a long-term relationship with, and it seems like it would be silly to just completely forget about her when she seems to be somewhat interested still. She said that she hasn't ruled me out for the future. She calls me every now and then just to talk, but I keep the conversations short (I'm not much of a phone talker). I don't think she would do this just because she feels bad for hurting my feelings, I think she still had feelings for me.
     
  9. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    I'd recommend that the next time she calls you tell her that you have plans and can't talk, but then set up a time to see each other *in person* instead. You need to get back in front of her face.

    Talking on the phone is friendzone, in my opinion. It kills 90% of the way humans communicate (body language, etc.) so there is a chance for mis-interpretations. Just tell her "Hey, we should grab a coffee and catch up. How about Tuesday, 7:30, at Starbucks?" If she says no, then tell her that you don't have any other time free, and maybe you'll catch her some other time. I wouldn't cut her off, but I wouldn't be so available either.

    Be yourself, be a tease (my favorite thing to do), and just enjoy her company. I am thinking that some of David DeAngelo's stuff might help you (at www.DoubleYourDating.com - free email subscription thing there) because it's just so poking fun at her, which might help. Basically, be confident, maybe a little arrogant, but in a FUNNY way so you have a good time when you are together.

    I would not make any jokes about getting back together, your feelings for her, or even extreme topic variants (like pretending to get married, stalking her, etc.) but just avoid the topic altogether. Go out, have a drink, and then cut it short (like 30-45 minutes) because you "have plans." Leave right in the middle of things being going great, and leave first.

    You could potentially save this by psuedo-dating another woman who slightly out-classes her. It says "I have standards [as you mentioned] and can do better." Or at least being seen with her where you know she will find out (if the town is that small.) Just be busy, be yourself as you described at the beginning, and let her come to you. The trick is to attract her TO you. It's like the string and a kitten - you have to dangle the string and let her chase you. To that end, you don't want to disappear, you need to get right in front of her face, and then - as mentioned - have to cut things short.

    Be a gentleman at all costs. Not an ass kisser, but polite. In control of yourself. And as David DeAngelo would say - tease her like your bratty little 9-year old sister. Don't let her get away with ANYTHING.

    Basically, be the adult male partner she is looking for. It occurs to me that this could be somewhat of a test - if she likes you as much as you like her, then maybe you should come to her and basically tell her "Hey, you know you can't do much better than me, so let's stop all this BS and get together." Notice, however, that I said "She can't do better than YOU" so to speak. Don't tell her how great she is, tell her how great you are - with some modesty, of course. It's hard to say if that would work though, as there is not enough information here to say one way or the other.

    I think it's okay to occasionally (like after a major fuck-up) chase a woman and let her know you screwed up. But only like once every few years, and only if it's major. You can't go doing that all the time (and you can't go and fuck up things all the time either! :slap: )

    Call her, set up a coffee date, and just talk - have a good time - go easy on the flirting - don't profess your undying love for her - and then leave when it's going really good. Make her wonder what's going on. Tease her mercilessly. Be a gentleMAN and attract her to you.
     

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