SO caught me snooping

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by ForgottenSpiral, Dec 8, 2008.

  1. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    Little background:
    SO and I had a rough start when we first got together. She wasn't 100% faithful to me, but didn't fuck anyone else. I found out by snooping. We talked about it, took some time to figure out what we wanted, then decided to move past it and rebuild our trust. We started seeing a counselor and things got better.

    To my knowledge, she has been faithful to me ever since. We've been having a rough time recently and so I start to get worried that she's going to be bad again. I don't think she would, but I decide it's easy to just check and make sure. Of course she caught me. She's upset and I feel like a douche. Thankfully we have an appointment with our counselor today at 4.

    I know how important trust is in a relationship. I guess I just have a hard time seeing snooping as a violation of trust. As far as I'm concerned she can look through my shit. I don't care. My ex and I had full access to each other's lives. So it's hard for me to comprehend why she would keep me from something if there is nothing to hide. Obviously I should just respect her views and trust her, and usually I do, but when things get rocky between us, I revert to my insecure self.

    Thoughts?
     
  2. yankeeschick14

    yankeeschick14 New Member

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    I have nothing to "hide" from my SO, but I would still be pissed if he was snooping through my stuff because its my private life and I don't want him to be rifling through it without permission. The very thought of it makes me uncomfortable. I don't snoop through his stuff, he shouldn't go through mine. It indicates a complete lack of trust.
     
  3. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    Ok...this part:

    made absolutely no sense to me.

    The reason it made no sense to me is because you had JUST gotten together. Why the fuck were you trying to salvage something you had literally nothing invested in? :hsugh:

    Counsellors are for people who are in long term relationships or marriages. They are not for people who are supposed to be in their honeymoon stage.

    Secondly, yes, the snooping is probably a sign that you are insecure. You should check into it. But more likely is that you recognize that once a cheating whore, always a cheating whore.
     
  4. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    I probably wasn't clear. The serious drama happened early in our relationship, but at this point we've been together for a couple years. We are thinking about getting married (not right now obviously), which is why we started going to the counselor. We wanted to smooth out the wrinkles before we made that kind of commitment. I know I'm insecure. I also know that despite our differences and recent conflicts, she has been honest with me for a long time now. So my breach of her trust is definitely more about me and how I feel about our relationship than her actions. Obviously her actions have an effect on how I feel about our relationship though. Anyway yeah I've been in therapy for years now and I'm on a couple different meds. Still can't seem to stop snooping though.
     
  5. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    Beer wondered why I snooped...

    Basically we've only been having sex once every 3 weeks since August (despite my efforts to change that in and out of therapy) and my SO tends to stop all communication with me when she gets mad at me- which happens about once a week and lasts for a couple days. Then the past month or so she has been particularly distant- saying "i love you" and "i miss you" significantly less than usual, etc.
     
  6. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Yeah, that's just not good...still doesn't justify snooping. If therapy isn't helping the two of you you might as well call it quits instead of hoping to find out she has been cheating so you can blame it on something :dunno: Just a thought. You guys aren't even married.
     
  7. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    I know the "dump her" nazis will hound me for this, but...

    Why exactly do you stay with her?

    1. You don't trust her (don't say you do, cause if you did you wouldn't snoop)
    2. She drops communication (like the MOST IMPORTANT THING IN A RELATIONSHIP) when she gets mad at you (THE MOST IMPORTANT TIME TO HAVE COMMUNICATION).
    3. You're not having sex hardly at all anymore (lack of intimacy)
    4. She's losing interest in you and is being distant. (that's about the number 1 sign that someone could be cheating, so I don't blame you for snooping)

    Why bother? You've already BEEN to a counsellor, and that obviously hasn't worked. Now you are talking about marriage? Why?
     
  8. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    Because I've never met anyone I was more compatable with. Maybe that sounds bad. I've had my fair share of girlfriends, I spent some time single and looking for "Ms. Right" and I've never met someone who fit better with me. Might sound ridiculous, but it's true.

    Edit: When you put all those points together like that it sounds really bad... I see your point. I just don't see finding anyone better and so I'd rather work on finding solutions with someone I love and already have a relationship with. Is that dumb (because it makes sense to me)?
     
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2008
  9. Vysion

    Vysion New Member

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    How can you be faithful by a percentage?

    You said she hasn't been 100% faithful to you... was she 50%? 80%? 99.9%?

    Either you're faithful or you're not. No percentages...
     
  10. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    So, basically, you are compatible with someone who not only cheats, but doesn't communicate when she has a problem and doesn't like having sex with you?

    What does that say about you?
     
  11. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    Well she was unfaithful. She just didn't hook up with anyone while we were together. People have varying opinions of cheating when there is no physical element involved. That's why I stated it the way I did. It was cheating as far as I'm concerned.
     
  12. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    I think it says my years in therapy haven't helped me as much as I would hope...

    Viper, you have a way of stating things that makes it sound so bad... :wtc:
     
  13. Vysion

    Vysion New Member

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    If you weren't together at the time, that's not cheating...

    Were you on a break or something?
     
  14. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    She went on a few scattered dates behind my back while we were in the first year of our relationship. Things have drastically changed since then though. That much I can assure you.
     
  15. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    :rofl:

    Sorry man, I'm not trying to be a dick to you or anything like that.

    Just trying to jar you out of la-la land here.

    Whatever you decide to do, you should definately put off getting married until you work out these issues. Whatever issues you have going INTO the marriage, immediately get compounded ten-fold.
     
  16. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    BTW, I wasn't trying to make YOU sound bad. I was trying to show you that your "compatibility" with this woman probably isn't as solid as you'd like to believe.
     
  17. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    I definitely appreciate it. I tend to be one of those people who sees other people's relationships very clearly, but I have difficulty seeing my own as easily.

    I moved across the country to be with this girl at the beginning of the summer and things were good until she started classes in August, which is when we started seeing a counselor. She took like 7 classes this semester and we don't live together so we really only see each other on the weekend. So it's easy to not have sex for a couple weeks when she goes out of town for a weekend or we're having a fight about something. So there is definitely another side to this story. But yeah, obviously we aren't ready to get married right now. I don't know. I have so much invested in this relationship that I think I would be devastated if things didn't work out.
     
  18. Vysion

    Vysion New Member

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    One of my ex-gf's was still sleeping with her ex when we had first started dating. We weren't exclusive then so I couldn't feel that betrayed. At least she was getting some until I gve it to her... :mamoru:
     
  19. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    Interesting choice of words.

    Look at it this way:

    For the past couple of months, people have been losing droves of money in the stock market. The numbers just keep dropping like there's no bottom.

    Basically, what you just said was that if you were an investor, and your stock has been losing consistently for a several months now, you feel like you should stick it out and KEEP investing money only to lose it. And your reasoning is that you've already invested so much in that one particular stock, that you'd hate to pull out now, even though you are throwing bad money after more bad money.

    The interesting thing I've found about investments is, that a lot of investors try to keep emotion out of it as much as possible. So, before they even throw out that first dollar, they set a point at which they WILL pull out of a bad stock BEFORE they invest. I've heard all kinds of ranges for that, but the smartest investors know to set that percentage beforehand so that when they're stock drops say, 5-10%, they KNOW to get out, despite how they FEEL about that stock.

    Relationships should be the exact same way, You need to set boundaries before you get into them, so that you KNOW the point at which you walk away before it gets to this point: the point where you feel like you have thrown so much of yourself into it that you gotta keep investing MORE of yourself to try and recoup that which you've lost, instead of actually sucking up your losses and moving onto a better relationship.
     
  20. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    every relationship i was in was a better relationship than the one prior. thats because i learned a little bit more each time and found someone a little bit more compatable each time. just because she is the best you have found so far does not mean she is right for you. you sound like you are settling, which you should never never do, especially if you are going to marry her. a relationship is supposed to be better than this

    the fact that you snooped is bad. the fact that you couldnt talk to her about what was going on between you two and instead had to go behind her back seeking the truth is bad. i think she has every right to be bothered by that.

    its good you are willing to work on things, but at some point, you have to decide you wont go any further. maybe you havent hit that point yet, but come up with something that is your bottom line. when she cheats? when you snoop again and find something suspicious? when she doesnt sleep with you for a month? what will it be
     
  21. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    Viper + vodka,
    Interesting idea about stating my limit ahead of time. I'll have to put some thought into this.

    Also I have talked to my SO about my feelings. She knows exactly how I feel about things actually. I think that is part of my problem with how things stand. There are things that I have vocally opposed, but she somehow ends up being more vocal and more opposing than myself. Heh.
     
  22. lauren

    lauren Active Member

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    how long have you guys been dating? and you've been in couples consoling for how long now?
     
  23. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    We've been dating since August of '06. We've been in counseling since August of this year. The first couple months of counseling we only went once every 2-3 weeks though. We've been going every week since October. Today's session will be the last we have before my SO goes out of town for a few weeks though.
     
  24. ripcurl

    ripcurl Member

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    sounds bad but what did you find while snooping?
     
  25. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    Pretty much what I expected... absolutely nothing. :o
     

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