small town blues (hanging out with ex)

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by jackjohnson, Aug 4, 2009.

  1. jackjohnson

    jackjohnson simple as something nobody knows OT Supporter

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    Ok we all know rule #1 when it comes to hanging out with the EX– if you want to get over her then cut off all contact. I tried that and actually followed through with it and it helped. I was out of town for 3 months and made lots of good progress and it all went out the window the day I came back.

    We were only together for a month or so and both agreed to end it due to religious differences because we know it'll never work out in the end. It was definitely not what either of us wanted. We both live in a small town so it's really hard to get away from each other especially since we have the same circle of friends.

    It feels like in general we try to stay away from each other but once a week we'll hang out and it seems like we just torture ourselves. The chemistry is so good between us and it's killing me. I've never really brought it up directly but we seem to drop hints here and there.

    Aside from one of us moving away there just doesn't seem to be too many options. I feel like I should be mature enough to just be friends with someone. How can I handle this? Should I talk to her about it?

    flame on.. just had to get it off my chest :mad:
     
  2. OhHai

    OhHai New Member

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    You were only together for a month, get over it :squint:
     
  3. jackjohnson

    jackjohnson simple as something nobody knows OT Supporter

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    iknowrite.... well we talked for a couple of months prior as well. I think in this case it just unwillingly ended abruptly leaving me wanting alot more
     
  4. MCohen

    MCohen #NotMyPresident #AmericaIsAlreadyGreat #GoSolar OT Supporter

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    Date her and let it fail on its own if it does.

    When you end a relationship and it hasn't failed on its own, you'll always want to be with that person. Well not always, but you know what I mean.
     
  5. giz

    giz Active Member

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    when you say you both agreed to end it, is that really true? is she having a hard of a time dealing with seeing you as you are with her? have you talked about that?

    I think to move away would be overdoing it. With time, you'll be able to see her without it being painful, trust me. I run into my ex every few weeks and with each time it becomes less and less of a deal... but at first I obsessed over her.

    the best you can do is continue to try and avoid her (be honest with yourself, are you truly making your best attempt to stay away from her?) and occupy yourself with other people.
     
  6. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    So when you stopped talking to her things went well, but now that you're talking to her again you are having a hard time? Huh. I WONDER WHAT YOU SHOULD DO.
     
  7. MossMan813

    MossMan813 New Member

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    Probably keep hanging out with her, since the benefits of that far outweigh the negatives, no?
     
  8. jackjohnson

    jackjohnson simple as something nobody knows OT Supporter

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    Like I said it would be great if I could completely avoid her and not see her but that's not possible (or mature imo). I decided to stop deliberately hanging out with her alone because I admit that that's probably the main problem. We have the same circle of friends, live in a small town, and ALWAYS run into each other.
     
  9. jackjohnson

    jackjohnson simple as something nobody knows OT Supporter

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    eh... I brought it up. I told her that if the religious difference is a huge problem for her (wasn't for me) then it should end then and not 6 months, 6 years, etc later. She thought about it and decided to end it. I agreed.

    I've never talked to her about it but I can tell she may be having a difficult time with it and at times I'm sure she's trying to avoid me as well. The last time we hung out (20 mile hike, so we did a lot of talking) she kept bringing up when we first met, and giving me compliments about how we get a long so well. I guess I can just casually ask her how she's feeling about the whole situation.
     
  10. controvert

    controvert OT Supporter

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    Cliffs on your religion and hers?
     
  11. saosko

    saosko OT Supporter

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    I don't even read posts like this anymore and I've only been here ~2 months.
     
  12. jackjohnson

    jackjohnson simple as something nobody knows OT Supporter

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    I'm a buddhist, she's a protestant christian. I couldn't care less about the differences but for her it was a big deal. She brought up the whole kids thing because as I've learned she's at the age where she needs to get the family show on the road (something I'm trying to delay as long as I can).

    For her it was very important that her kids be born Christian as well.

    Both religions are "universal" but Christianity still has some roots with the Old testament and the whole social engineering aspect of keeping the religion alive.

    Anyways my head was spinning and I knew deep down inside that it wouldn't work out in the end... But as a Buddhist it was really hard to say screw it and just live in the moment :big grin:
     
  13. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    Fuck religion. :mamoru:
     
  14. saosko

    saosko OT Supporter

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    :werd:
     
  15. XxvODvxX

    XxvODvxX New Member

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    i'm almost curious as to how old you two are.. i feel from being a child to now i don't have the same beliefs as i once did and my perspective on religion has changed a lot... If you two are still young this whole religion issue maybe be something that will end up being left behind as you get older...

    Aside from that, why are you still hanging out with her alone?:slap:

    granted you have the same circle of friends but honestly i make it through entire parties with ex-gf and never once even talk to them... Heck i don't even look at them when their talking...

    I don't really feel as though your distancing yourself enough and will ultimately try to get back with her....

    just my 2cents..

    /rant
     
  16. jackjohnson

    jackjohnson simple as something nobody knows OT Supporter

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    I'm 26, she's 25. I was raised Catholic but by High school wasn't interested at all. Was an atheist up until very recently. I started getting interested in Buddhism about a year ago (6 months before I started talking to her). My perspective on religion changed a lot and now I really don't mind dating a religious person as long as they are more spiritual and open to what I believe in.

    I hang out with her alone because I get bored easily or simply miss hanging out with her. There is so much good chemistry it's unreal. She openly admits it as well. But yeah it's like a drug and I decided that I'm cutting out the alone time and seeing if that'll help.
     
  17. alkaline

    alkaline New Member

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    haven't read this thread, but one or both of you obviously need to chill with the religious fanaticism if you can't have a relationship purely on those grounds when you have "good chemistry"
     
  18. XxvODvxX

    XxvODvxX New Member

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    Good place to start.
     
  19. jackjohnson

    jackjohnson simple as something nobody knows OT Supporter

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    update

    ok well I never learn or listen :o :doh:

    So pretty much after I decided not to hang out with her alone I did a few days later. It was the perseids meteor shower and we hiked four miles up and camped on top of a local peak cuddling and looking at the shooting stars. slept in the tent together, no kissing or hooking up.

    a couple of days go by and we go on a hike. we talk about relationship history (randomly) and I asked her if it was still weird when we hung out. She said kind of and that she finds herself liking me from time to time.

    so later on that night we text back and forth and she said "we got some issues". So we talked last night and I told her how I felt about the whole situation. She said what happened under the stars was weird... get this... because she's talking to another guy and feels bad! :Owned:

    So I'm pretty taken back and surprised and then we keep talking and I found out she talked to this guy last year up until november then "she kind of gave up". And then he "rekindled everything in feb", and that she still isn't clear on what's going on between them because it's long distance, etc. We were talking/together from november to february and this explains so much :rofl: :doh:

    anyway I'm pretty butt hurt about the whole thing. she kept giving me the "you're such a good friend" spiel and I just tried to keep some dignity and tried my hardest to not sound so damn pathetic :hs:




    cliffs on thread:
    was hung up on ex because I kept hanging out with her
    OT: run, run and don't look back
    I didn't run
    find out she's been talking to another guy
    I'm such a good friend though don't playa hate
    :Owned:
     
  20. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    The question is- what are you gonna do about it?
     
  21. jackjohnson

    jackjohnson simple as something nobody knows OT Supporter

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    I pretty much told her that we shouldn't hang out alone anymore and that should help. I told her I feel like an idiot because she's hanging out with me thinking we're friends and I have all these underlying motives/mind games going on it's not fair for her and it's not who I want to be. Also I guess it's not right to be the guy that cuddles with her in a tent while she's talking to someone else whom she's obviously more interested.

    I'm pretty jealous but that will go away. It hurts a lot but a lot but that goes away in time and others have gone through far worse. I just feel really stupid about the whole situation and can't help but laugh at myself now. I have plenty of other hobbies and work to focus on anyway.

    The other hard part is I'll be around her a lot through our friends, acquaintances, family, etc.
     
  22. jeffswain

    jeffswain OT Supporter

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    i am so mad for u right now
     
  23. notsousual

    notsousual New Member

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    We've heard this before from you. Hope you stick to it this time, as you should have then. I'd say what will really help you is cutting ties with her altogether. I understand it's a small town and you're bound to see each other, but act as if you're nothing more than acquaintances. At most casually say hi, ask how she's doing, and move on. No further conversation is necessary or very healthy right now for you. It takes time to be able to be friends with exes, and you're obviously not there yet. :hs:
     
  24. jeffswain

    jeffswain OT Supporter

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    i have to keep reminding myself that right now too
     
  25. F8Lstang

    F8Lstang in savasana

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    bring a hotter chick around her, I bet she'll be pissed and you will see her far more rarely
     

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