SRS Sigh, drinking and that goes with it

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Salad, Oct 29, 2007.

  1. Salad

    Salad New Member

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    I'm an alcoholic. Especially after reading any of Coottie's posts, I truly knwo I am...not that I ever doubting I wasn't. I've been lurking in the RR forum for a couple of years now under my husband account. I finally decided to get my own account without him knowing because I don't know how to get us both to stop our alcohol problems. With the drinking comes the weed and as of last year, pills came into play.

    Being drunk together is all we've ever known and it's been over a decade of it. I've stopped smoking weed before and have been battling the pills, but have been doing well. But this darn drinking I can't let go of.

    4 years ago I was able to keep it to only weekends for about 2 months. This was a shining moment for me.

    The big problem is, it doesn't ruin my daily life (per say). I've never missed work, my family/friends would never suspect I drink EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. And have been doing so for 13 years. I look good, I work Mon-Fri, I have it all going for me....how do I stop.....especially with a drinking buddy for a husband that feels it's ok to be drinking every night.
     
  2. okietiger

    okietiger New Member

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    If you feel you have a problem I would suggest going to AA or NA. There are avenues out there to help you you just have to look for them. Good luck.
     
  3. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    I'm glad my posts have helped you identify with my experiences in regard to alcoholism and I want to assure you, there is a solution. However, I would suggest that you can't make anyone quit drinking. Could anyone make you quit?? If you're anything like me, and it sounds like you are, noone would make me quit. Sure I'd pass a test of theirs or I would easily "fade the heat" but I always knew I would go back to drinking eventually. Often I'd tell them to fuck off and mind their own business and wouldn't hang out with them anymore.

    So I would suggest you forget about the idea of helping your hubby get clean and sober and simply focus on you and your drinking. Save yourself first.
    Yes drinking is a difficult thing to lick alone. But there is help and I found help in the rooms of AA. I was also able, by using the principles of AA, to stay away from drugs, especially pot and ultimately I used the principles to kick a 10 year, 1 pack or more a day smoking habit.
    The big book of AA addresses this as follows in the chapter titled More About Alcoholism
    "The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death."

    There is a lot more in that chapter that directly addresses this part of your post further than what I typed above. So, I hope you'll read this chapter for yourself at the following link.
    http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/BigBook/pdf/BigBook_chapt3.pdf

    Yeah I think all of my friends and family were really surprised to hear just how far my drinking had progressed and that I was an alcoholic. Hell by my definition of an alcoholic, at the time I got to AA, was as follows:
    A homeless person
    No job
    No family would still help them or even talk to them
    No money
    No car
    Someone who drank alone and who was pretty much always drunk
    An older person....like I dunno...45-50....you know...older than me.

    So I wasn't all those things and I was 27 at the time so how could I possibly be an alcoholic?? Besides all of my friends drink and some are much worse than me....shouldn't they be in AA also??

    Well I had to focus on myself and as I started going to AA, working the steps and working with my sponsor, I discovered that my definition was just wrong and I needed to adjust that definition. I also needed help staying away from drinking.

    AA can help but first, you need to go to a meeting. Just go and be honest about where you are....even if you have to say it with a lot of tears. It's not easy to quit and we need help but you are not alone. If you don't know where to look for a meeting, look in your phone book for Alcoholics Anonymous then call....ask for a meeting close to you. Most meeting places usually have nightly meetings at 8pm.....so why not go tonight?
     
  4. i killed tupac

    i killed tupac New Member

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    Go to a meeting and ask about it! That's what we are here for, no one of had a single clue what the hell to do
     
  5. Salad

    Salad New Member

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    Wow thank you so much, I'm glad (even though you guys don't know who I am) I'm not being judged.

    Sounds silly but I have to take some serious antibiotics, starting Monday for a week. Alcohol cannot be mixed with them. I'm looking foward to this. With this, I hope my guts to get to a meeting follow...sigh. 4 glasses of wine and two joints last night...
     
  6. Colonel Panic

    Colonel Panic New Member

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    Your situation sounds much like mine. I never missed work, only drank after work and on weekends, and coworkers/family never suspected. Or so I thought.

    My wife, at half my size, would keep up with me drop for drop and alcohol was a major part of our entire married life. (She was a bartender when we met.)

    The beginning of the end came when a layoff put me on weekend mode every day. After six months I couldn't drink anymore and I couldn't stop. I checked myself into treatment on March 3rd, '06 and have been blessed with sobriety ever since.

    I was prepared for the marriage to fail because I knew I couldn't live with someone who maintained the lifestyle we had and I wouldn't demand that she change because I did. One of the biggest surprises has been that she stopped. I thought she was just like me but I was wrong.

    To say how much better life has been would take more pages than I have time to write. I still get a lot of curves thrown my way but can deal with life on life's terms now instead of trying to drink them away.

    Please keep us up to date. We will always be here for you.
     
  7. Salad

    Salad New Member

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    Colonel Panic you just brought tears to eyes. To even think of hope like this....

    One of the reasons I (think in my head) I can't stop, is I don't want to dissapoint my husband. He has zero inkling to stop his drinking and/or smoking up and/or the pills. But as I read all of this, I really do have to look after myself first and hope for a better life to follow me.

    I shall certainly keep you updated. With Monday comes my "forced" sobriety and I hope it will stick!
     
  8. Salad

    Salad New Member

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    Wow, well my Mom just called. After a mortifying Friday night with my entire family celebrating my Dad's 60th birthday and my husband getting falling on his butt drunk and offending a ton of people. She said he actually wrote my family an appology, as much as he doesn't remember most of the evening (always a convenient excuse for him) He felt bad for the things he was told he did. Although be it, he still feels stories were exagerated.

    I hope that because more and more people are confronting him with his actions, he too might want to get sober.
     
  9. i killed tupac

    i killed tupac New Member

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    when you have been sober a while, you will see the true insanity of that situation
     
  10. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    :werd:
    Yes, please do keep us updated....no matter how crazy your life becomes.

    RE: judgemental....One of the things I love about AA is their non-judgmental attitudes...well the vast majority of the people in AA anyways. I have run across some judgmental people but not many....I usually just steer clear of them.

    Having people that I could be 100% honest with and still not have them judge me was truly a blessing that I never thought was possible. I found that in AA and man....was a beautiful gift.
     
  11. Salad

    Salad New Member

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    Well last night I "only" drank two glasses of wine and two beers with half a joint. I know it's stupid to make a set date to quit, but Monday is it. Then as I stated, I'm going to try and get the guts to get to an AA meeting. But this little thread is helping me in the right direction.

    I almost feel that if I quit drinking I'll loose myself. All my friends just love "Drunk Salad". It's rare I get out of control, but man I'm buckets of fun when I drink. I'm not too sure what I'll be like sober. But I have let two of my closest friends know that I feel I'm an alcoholic and need to stop and they're in full support. So that's a relief.

    So this Saturday will be my last hurra (I know that's probably a bad idea to, but I need that last release to be able to let go).

    I'm not going to lie, I'm SCARED!!!!!!!!!!
     
  12. Colonel Panic

    Colonel Panic New Member

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    You will not loose yourself. You may loose the belief that you need a few drinks to feel "normal".

    If you're not sure what you will be like sober, read the AA Promises.
    Big Book page #83-84

    I'm glad to know that your closest friends are in full support. While I was in treatment I called a close friend that I had grown up with but only see a few times a year to wish him a happy birthday. When I told him where I was he said it was the best present that HE ever got. He said that he had known for a while but didn't know how to talk to me about it. I never suspected that he had any idea.

    It's ok to be scared when you face unfamiliar territory. Remember that at an AA meeting you will be with people who are just like you. You don't have to introduce yourself as an alcoholic, simply say, "I have a desire to stop drinking". Go with an open mind and get to know people. Gravitate to those who you most relate to and would like to be like.

    Finally, don't look at Saturday like a last hurrah. On Monday tell yourself that I'm not going to drink today. If that doesn't work, don't beat yourself up, just try again on Tuesday.

    Let us know how it goes. We'll still be here for you, regardless.

    http://forums.offtopic.com/showpost.php?p=66766699&postcount=23
     
  13. Salad

    Salad New Member

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    Again thank you so much.

    I don't ever think I'll reach that level in my life. But I do knwo that I have a very big problem....

    And I will take the advice Colonel Panic, to try this day by day. Thank you for your conctact info as well.
     
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2007
  14. Salad

    Salad New Member

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    Sorry for the long posting, I'll just post what I had written to my uncle in hopes of some guidance.

    "I’ve been drinking every single night of my life for the past 13 years. Not just one or two. Drunk, every single night. I went two months of only drinking on weekends for about 2 months...that was four years ago. During that time the cold sweats were unbelievable and leg shaking.

    Understand that my husband is my drinking buddy, so we enable each other. It’s never affected my daily life (per say). No one would ever think this of myself. I look good, I have a Mon-Fri professional job, I’m not in any major debt. But they are starting to suspect my husband. He has never had a want to ever cut back or quit.

    I just know I have to fix me...I truly love drinking, I mean LOVE it. I can’t wait to get home and start having some beverages. I used to try and wait till 6pm to make myself feel better about the drinking. But lately as soon as I get home, I have a glass of wine or beer waiting for me.

    I very rarely get out of control, but it’s a staple in my life. Just to read this back to myself...I’m ashamed, but can’t stop. Again, I love it.

    Last night I “only” had two glasses of wine, two beers and a joint. This is my life.

    I’ve done much research over the past few years on alcoholism. I just can’t ever see my life without getting drunk at night. I don’t mean to lay any of this on you. I just see my husband slowly destroying himself and I can’t go on that path with him. But it scares the poop out of me think of me never drinking again. But I know I can’t do just one or two drinks, I’ll always want more."
     
  15. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    This is absolutely 100% FALSE.

    You can get and stay sober while your significant other is still drinking. How do I know?? Hmm...let's see, well in my 13 years of continuous sobriety, I've met quite a few people that did just that. Yep, their spouse kept right on drinking and they got and stayed sober.

    So while you're uncle may not have been able to, that doesn't mean that you won't. You are a different person and your experience can be totally different than his. The big book of AA says, "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has throughly followed our path."

    Now notice 2 words, RARELY....sobriety is not a guarantee however, the good news is, it's vary rare for people to relapse if.......

    The second word is THROUGHLY....many people want to skip over this word, act like they are working the program, then curse AA when it doesn't work for them.

    So it's up to you to do your part. If you choose to do it throughly then you will have a much better chance of getting and staying sober.....regardless of what your husband decides to do about his drinking.
    I call these things "I NEVERS" and I had a lot of these when I got to AA. That's what I listed in a previous post:
    I never lost my house due to my drinking, I never lost my girlfriend due to my drinking, I never lost my job due to my drinking, and on and on and on.

    Alcoholism is a progressive disease...meaning that if I continue to drink, more of those I nevers will become realities in my life. Looking back over my drinking career, I can see where I had more of these I nevers...but they started going away. Thankfully I was able to get help before I reached the point where more of them became reality.

    However, the only difference between me and that person on the street that I described earlier.....I stopped drinking earlier. Thankfully.
    :werd:
    That is excellent advice indeed. It's the only way I've been able to string together 13 years....just handling my life one day at a time. Sometimes for me tho, 1 day was simply too long. There were times, especially early on in my sobriety when it would be literally moment by moment.

    I wanted a drink so badly that I didn't care what happened. During those times I just said well, I'm not going to drink for the next 5 minutes....then I got busy doing something else....like cleaning up the dishes, going to meetings, talking to my sponsor....and many other things.

    I know you're scared to go to meetings....that's really natural and I was terrified of going. But I did....it's only 1 hour and like CP said, you don't have to declare yourself alcoholic....you can simply say you have a desire not to drink.....even if that desire comes and goes.
     
  16. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    This is hard to give advice about because it's very situational and there's a great deal of room for misinterpretation in a forum such as this. Advice might very well come across as judgmental or controlling and there's a lot to discuss about the communications between you and your uncle. I could literally write pages and pages.....yeah....I like to talk also. :)

    I would suggest you find someone in AA to discuss this issue with. WHen I got to AA I looked for someone with over 10 years of sobriety to be my sponsor. Why?? Because I thought damn...if someone can get 10 years, SOMETHING is obviously working in their life and I think they can teach me that something.

    I can't throughly learn AA from someone that hasn't throughly learned it themselves.

    I can totally relate to your response tho. Alcohol was my best friend in life and I really enjoyed drinking for many, many years. And yes, I was still enjoying drinking when I got to AA so there were times when I really didn't want to quit. I just knew that something had to change because I simply couldn't keep going like I had been.

    It was like I'd take 1 step forward in life and have to take 3 steps backwards to pick up all the pieces I dropped. I was mess and was barely keeping up the facade that I could handle my drinking.

    So, my suggestion about your response...well I would suggest you simply say, "Thanks for your feedback. I'll keep you advised." It's short and to the point and doesn't get into all of your issues.

    You seem to want help and that's great but my experience has been that I'm much happier when that help comes from someone that isn't related to me. I did get help from loved ones but very often their advice affected our family relationship in a negative way.

    Then my suggestion would be to please, go to a meeting. Most places meet at 8pm every night. There's no reason to wait till Monday...you could go tonight. And please remember, you are not a bad person, you are a good person suffering from a bad disease.
    :hug:
     
  17. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    Pardon my being dense, but if you keep it on the down-low and it isn't ruining your life, why do you care to stop? What is it that you're afraid of, if it isn't the inability to do things properly and/or making an ass of yourself in public?

    If you can define that, then you at least know what to work towards. Having a goal for the sake of having a goal only works for certain kinds of people, and it sounds like you aren't one of them. That's not to say you can't stop drinking just to stop drinking, but having something where you can say "I want to stop drinking so I can..." will help you stay committed.

    (I have my own conclusion based on something you said, but I want to see what you come up with.)
     
  18. Salad

    Salad New Member

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    Thank you once again Cootie :)

    And deusexaethera, very good question indeed!

    I want to stop drinking so I'm not passed out on the couch at 7:30pm, not able to visit my family or friends or even have a phone conversation because I'm too drunk or stoned.

    I want to be able to go to family/friend functions and not leave early because I want to go home and get drunk. I want to eat a huge Christmas dinner and not worry my tummy will be too full to get me drunk.

    I am ashamed to admit though, I also want to stop, so my hubby will slow it down.

    We did E, Speed, K, G, Coke cocktails every weekend last year for about 6 months. It almost over took both of us. I snapped out of it. He started doing speed at work. Soooo I stoped all pills, I'm proud to say he's "pretty" much stopped as well.

    We do feed off of each other.

    Mainly though I want my life back...what ever the heck that means since it's been 13 years of drunken nights.

    I don't want to the answering machine to pick up because I'm too slurred to do it myself.

    I know I want to get sober for good and bad reasons, I truly do. but for the most part, I want my health, my family, my friends, my husband back. Befor I do hit bottom, as I do see my husband progressing there sooner then myself.

    BTW, no alcohol last night, half a joint.
     
  19. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    Ah, so it IS affecting your life.

    It's interesting that you say your friends think you're "buckets of fun" when you're drunk, yet you don't seem to think you are. Or is there a distinction between a couple of drinks with friends, and an entire box of wine by yourself, at play here?
     
  20. Salad

    Salad New Member

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    For the most part, I don't like to get out of control in front of friends or family. Much like Cootie it's almost a game. I concentrate very hard on just having one or two or just getting tipsy. I truly am fun when I've a had some bevies in me and as I stated, my acquaintences even dub me "drunk Salad" and cheer when they see me with a drink in my hand as they know what fun will ensue. But as soon as I get home, wether it be 9pm or 4am, I'll keep pounding them back with the hubby until we get completely smashed.

    I just know I can be fun without it, but can't let go. It's my vail if you will, that really big comfy sweat shirt that hides any flaws on a body.

    Not sure if what I'm saying is coming out right, as this is the first time I ever try to admit such things to myself, let alone other people.
     
  21. Salad

    Salad New Member

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    I know it's super lame to keep thanking everyone, but honestly I can take good coments with bad, they will all open my eyes and help.

    It's very indearing that people would share like this even if it is anonyms .
     
  22. i killed tupac

    i killed tupac New Member

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    if you think the forum is nice-try a meeting!
     
  23. Salad

    Salad New Member

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    I cerainly will have to!:wiggle:

    Colonel Panic...or anyone else for that matter, how did you brace the issue of telling your spouses you wanted to stop drinking, drugs, what ever the case may be. One of the things that worries me more then anything about going to meetings, is ..How do I tell him I'm going. What will he say? Of course I want him to hop on board, but am sure he won't.
     
  24. Colonel Panic

    Colonel Panic New Member

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    I would just tell him, since you want to dry out while you're on the antibiotics, that you want to check it out. No one else needs to know yet. Are you afraid that he will be more concerned at how it will affect him rather than what's best for you?

    You can always go back to doing what you're doing. You're not joining the Foriegn Legion.

    Lead by example.
     
  25. Salad

    Salad New Member

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    :mamoru:Very true! Everything is just very foreign to me. Even not drinking last night was a battle for me mentally, as well as seeing dissapointment in my husband's eyes. But that in it self was a very sad expirience to be a part of.
     

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