SRS Should I be worried? Need OT's men and women's thoughts

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Lucifer, Sep 22, 2006.

  1. Lucifer

    Lucifer New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2006
    Messages:
    5,799
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Plano, TX
    My girlfriend and I have been together for a year and a few months. Everythings been great, I'm truely in love with her and her me.

    Some major things have happened in her family over the past week (Father had a heart attack) and things are getting back to normal now.

    She had mentioned that she had sent out a big email to all of her friends informing them of what had happened. While telling me about this she mentions that one of our friends had already replied and passed along her best wishes, etc.

    This morning my girl got called into work and I just got up. I get on my girl's computer, her email comes up (It's web based and her homepage) and there's our friends reply. I figure "what the hell" and click on it to see what she (Friend) had said. Read it over, it's very nice and heart felt. Now I'm left wondering what my girl had sent out to everyone so I click on her Sent folder.

    The mass email is there about her father and one other. I read her mass email and go back to the Sent folder. This other email has a name that catches something in my memory. It's a guy she used to date 2 years ago while she was living in a different state. She's told me about him and made him out to be a strange guy and that's why she left him.

    I knew I shouldn't click it but I did. It was an email updating him about the major going ons in her life which normally wouldn't bother me but there were some other lines that kind of have me :noes::

    "Hello stranger....

    I have missed you so much and wanted to fill you in on things happening around here.

    (Info on things in her life)

    I miss you (name).....I know you will probably never speak with me again....but I still miss you. We had some great times together. I am sorry that it didn't work for us.

    I hope you and your family are doing great. Please.....if you ever have some extra time to write and let me know how you are doing, I would really appreciate it.

    Love,"

    Now as far as what I've been told, there really shouldn't be any reason for her to be missing him, but this email makes me wonder.

    I'm not worried that she's going to run away and be with this guy, he's 1200 miles away and she can't just up and move, but I still don't like that she sent the email.

    There was no mention of us and the great times we've had.

    My question to the women of OT is, do you ever have feelings for your old flings even when you're in a great relationship years later? Why is she still upset that things didn't work out for them when she's in a perfectly good relationship now?

    Am I over reacting or am I kind of in the right to be upset? We talk about everything but of course there's no way I could bring this up to her.

    Give me some insight. :sadwavey:
     
  2. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2006
    Messages:
    65,506
    Likes Received:
    1
    I was gonna ask if she mentioned you at all, but you said that she didn't.

    That's weird.

    As a guy, have YOU ever had feelings for an old fling?

    I dated a girl for 3.5 years. She is married now. I was the one who ended it. We had a lot of good times and I do miss them, and I would probably tell her that if I talked to her. It doesn't mean I want to get back with her or I'm still in love with her, it just means that she has a fond place in my heart.

    Now, that being said, I am a guy, and therefore logical, and therefore I know what I want. Seeing as how that email came from a woman, she probably doesn't know what she wants, and it's probably not as cut and dry as the info I just gave about the girl I used to date.

    That part is suspect. I don't think I would say that to my ex.

    It's possible that she still has feelings or something, but because this guy lives so far away, she doesn't feel it's a threat to mention them. I'm sure she's perfectly happy with you, too.

    Now, you can't really bring this up to her without mentioning that you were reading her emails, so you're kind of screwed. If it fits your personality type, you might want to monitor her email for a while and see if there is any more communication between the two for a while. It's possible he thinks she's a nutcase and won't ever reply. Remember that if she told you about their relationship, you only got HER side of the story.

    Then again, I really have no idea, so:

    in for info.
     
  3. Lucifer

    Lucifer New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2006
    Messages:
    5,799
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Plano, TX
    Thanks for the reply. You hit on all the things that got my mind running.

    I have had feelings for women in my past but I would never email them and say things like "I miss you so much" and "I am sorry that it didn't work for us." Especially not now with my current relationship.

    Being a guy, I still think about the what ifs and could have beens. Just the other day I was joking with a guy I used to work with about one of our female coworkers from back in the day and how I wished I had taken the flirting to the next level. Be this as it may, I'm not about to email her and say anything.

    While I'd like to follow her email and see if he replies, I can't. Her email doesn't always keep the cookie and most of the time it promps for her password. Her email seems to point to the fact that she doesn't think this guy will reply anyway. I wasn't too worried about that, it's the fact that she even sent the email that has my mind running.

    In for female advice.
     
  4. Ford4Life

    Ford4Life Guest

    She could be all emo because of her dad and is reachinig out to make peace with issues in her past. Some people do that when they are faced with the issue of their own mortality.

    Based on the email, this guy hasn't spoken to her in a long time, so it's not like they have regular contact. For now I'd chalk it up to not much, but keep your eyes open.
     
  5. Lucifer

    Lucifer New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2006
    Messages:
    5,799
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Plano, TX
    I've got to get out of the house. Sitting here and running this email through my head is making me to go out of my mind. :wtc:

    Before today, I thought everything was perfect. We're always happy, never fight, I've been more than supportive this week to her and her family, going so far as to skip a day of work to be with them. Hell, she kissed me goodbye today and said "Thanks for being here for me" with a tear in her eye.

    To add to the backstory, we've both been a little stressed. I had been unemployeed for 3 months without any good leads and she just started nursing school a month ago. I've now been employeed for 2 weeks and already have an intracompany interview on Monday for a promotion. :cool: Things seemed to be getting right back to normal until this.

    I guess the next plan of action would be to just sit her down and ask if everything is OK with us. I'd love to get a straight answer as to why she sent the email but that'll never happen. I can't tell her that I saw it, true mistake or not.

    Still waiting on some female insight on this:

    Do women have feelings like this from time to time and it'll pass or is it a true sign that something is wrong in our relationship?

    Am I reading too much into this and it's just her having some old feelings for a man she once loved coming out due to the emotional stress of this past week?



    She'll be home in 2 hours, I'm going to hit the big box electronic stores till then to help clear my mind. :wtc: :wtc: :wtc:

    We have a nice weekend planned (by her on Monday) complete with some tickets for collage football, dinner at an expensive Italian place and 2 bottles of fine Chardonnay at home. If I can't stop thinking about this, the weekend will be moot. :noes:
     
  6. johan

    johan Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2003
    Messages:
    5,123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sahasrara; magnetic violet infinite
    I agree.


    To the OP:

    The worst thing you can do now is to stew and (even if only in your heart) turn against your girl.

    Be there, be present and support her, love her and stop with the silent recriminations.

    You think you deserve to be with her and to have her love and attention? SHOW IT.
     
  7. teo

    teo . => ? => !

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2004
    Messages:
    3,094
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Eh?
    I don't think you have anything to worry about. If anything, it sounds like she needs some closure because of some unfinished business ("I know you will probably never speak with me again...", etc.). This may have been exacerbated by her recent emotional trauma.

    The tone of her writing sounds nostalgic for some good times, which she surely would have thought about with said emotional upheaval. Men may not feel the need to share emotionally like that, but many women wouldn't think twice about it. Her writing this and not mentioning you doesn't mean that you're not important or that she doesn't appreciate the good times you guys have shared, and it doesn't mean that she thinks the times with him were better, either. Depending on the nature of that breakup, she might not have felt it appropriate to bring you up in the context of the email. If anything, it sounds like she wanted to let him know that he was loved, as she likely wanted to let her father know he was loved when he was in danger of dying.

    I'd let it go as her needing to find vents and that being one of them, seeing as you haven't mentioned anything else that would indicate otherwise.

    Edit: Yes, women do have passing feelings like this from time to time. Here's your female insight.
     
  8. Lucifer

    Lucifer New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2006
    Messages:
    5,799
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Plano, TX
    Thanks ladies. I've cooled down since earlier. I did some small things to let her know that I love her. Went by and left a sticky note on her mirror and a single rose on her bed.

    I did somewhat get caught though. When I shut her computer down, some program got hung up and prompted to send an error message, only problem is that I hit the monitor off as soon as I clicked Turn Off. She called the thank me for the rose and then asked if I had used her computer this morning. I said that I had surfed a few sites before leaving. Once I came over tonight we were talking and she mentioned that she had heard back from some people that she didn't think she would. This of course leads me to beleive that this guy emailed her back.

    She's asleep on the couch so I just came in to check.....she's emptied her trash and sent mail. No signs of an email. Guess I'll never know, but then again, I'm not too worried.
     
  9. johan

    johan Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2003
    Messages:
    5,123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sahasrara; magnetic violet infinite
    I think a healthy relationship allows both partners some space to make mistakes, and forgiveness afterwards.

    Reading email is a no-no, but automatic grounds for breakup? Seems a bit harsh.

    The OP has learned something, and reapplied it to his relationship. He's a better man than he was when he started this, and the relationship is stronger because of it.

    The journey of self-discovery has many missteps. Don't be so quick to deal out judgement to those you supposedly love and cherish.
     
  10. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2006
    Messages:
    65,506
    Likes Received:
    1
    And what about people who snoop and find concrete evidence that there is cheating? Would you still say it was a bad idea in those cases?
     
  11. infinite loop

    infinite loop Statistically speaking, the Yankees do indeed suck

    Joined:
    Feb 13, 2001
    Messages:
    25,275
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    La Crescenta, CA
    1) never ever read an SO's emails. nothing could could possibly come of it.

    2) you should keep your eyes wide fucking open and be ready for her to bolt. yes, she might be emo given the circumstances, but at the same time, it shows that she may not take you or your relationship as seriously as you may like. be very careful how you proceed with her. your lack of trust and respect for her privacy is also troubling.
     
  12. nish81

    nish81 OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jul 6, 2006
    Messages:
    11,182
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    london
    What about a situation where the SO has left her email inbox open on the screen, and you see a read email with the subject of "i love you" or something that implies betrayal of trust? would you be justified in opening it?
     
  13. infinite loop

    infinite loop Statistically speaking, the Yankees do indeed suck

    Joined:
    Feb 13, 2001
    Messages:
    25,275
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    La Crescenta, CA
    i'd say "so i saw your inbox was open and i saw an email in there that said 'i love you'.. what's going on?"

    edit: i made the mistake of spying on an SO's email once. i speak from personal experience when i tell you nothing good can possibly come of it.
     
  14. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2006
    Messages:
    65,506
    Likes Received:
    1
    So you'd rather be left in the dark for the duration of a relationship? If your gf was bonking some other guy, wouldn't you want to know sooner rather than later before you catch the STDs?
     
  15. Stilgar1973

    Stilgar1973 New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2006
    Messages:
    8,533
    Likes Received:
    0
    That is the answer you are looking for.

    I read your story and I understand your concern. You are not acting stupid. But my gut says that this is a much, much smaller thing then it looks.

    Then I read Ford's post and I thought, 'Boy nailed it.'.
     
  16. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

    Joined:
    May 29, 2000
    Messages:
    49,189
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    San Diego, CA
    I've only had feelings like that when things weren't going well in the current relationship. And I would never tell an ex that I missed him so much and wished things had worked out between us. Her deleting all those emails is pretty suspicious though, most people would keep emails like the ones she sent out to her friends unless she was trying to hide something. I'd keep an eye on her and see if anything else seems strange.
     
  17. calisteph6

    calisteph6 Active Member

    Joined:
    May 5, 2005
    Messages:
    16,537
    Likes Received:
    5
    Location:
    KRAPROOM
    I really didn't read the replies to this thread, but to answer the OP I will say that how the relationship ended is important. When something ends bad, especially with me being a jerk, I usually feel guilty and try to get back in contact with the person and "make-up." Maybe that was just her way of doing that.
     

Share This Page