SRS Should I attempt to have a relationshp with my Dad?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Socrates, Apr 15, 2008.

  1. Socrates

    Socrates New Member

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    Hey everybody :sadwavey:.

    I'll try to give you guys a quick recap of my whole life.

    My Mom and Dad were never married, and barely a couple. However, me, 21, and my brother, 23, were born. I think the most we ever saw my Dad was maybe 9 or 10 times when we went to his house to go hunting or to just spend the week with him. Up until about 4 years ago, he was raising 3 other boys with his wife.

    My brother and me went to see him for the first time in over 6 years about 4 months ago. We simply ate lunch with him, talked for a little while, and that was it. Not much contact since.

    I've always felt I have more in common with my dad than my mom. I've always really looked up to him and his accomplishments, especially his Ph.D. I am in my third year of college, majoring in English Education, and he is the superintendent of a school district. I'm sure it's obvious how I would look up to him.

    I don't know really. I know I'll be fine with or without him. Sure I have my anger and bitterness, but I could put it all aside. Should there be any reason to think that he would want to know me now, when he hasn't wanted to my whole life?

    I don't even know what having a Dad is like, so I don't know if it's worth it. This stuff never really bothers me until I go to church and hear about all the family values stuff or watch a movie that has a poignant father-son scene.
     
  2. pixing

    pixing New Member

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    You're looking for approval and acceptance (things that every child wants and needs) from a person who either doesn't want to or isn't capable of providing it. Are you prepared to drive the relationship and accept what he's willing to give without being hurt or disappointed?

    My father is distant and has always been (even though he lived with and was married to my mother.) After my mother passed away I sought the same relationship, but over time realized that my mom was the driver - and the family closeness was due to her diligence. I was terribly hurt that my dad didn't seem to want to be around us - until I realized that he never really was unless mom arranged it. Now I drive the relationship by calling him every week and arranging time for him to spend with us and our children. It bugs me some that he doesn't want to on his own (he says he does, but that is another thing) but I accept it especially now that he's an old guy and I want to keep track that he's doing OK. I disagree with his life choices but keep it positive between us on my terms.

    Here's what you can do: you can recognize the void that this has given you and resolve to be a better parent when it's your turn, you can ask him point blank if he'd like you to keep in touch and/or you can keep in touch anyway and realize that it's a one-way relationship and accept that for what it is.
     
  3. Ladybug

    Ladybug Guest

    Yes. Try. Talk to him. You just might regret it if you don't at least try.
     
  4. OhFourTwoThree

    OhFourTwoThree New Member

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    My boyfriend's parents divorced when he was very young. He didn't have much of a relationship with his dad but at 20-21, they started hanging out more often and getting to know each other better. Based on what my bf told me...his dad never wanted any kids and he was just a very selfish guy. It's hard to forgive and the rejection from his dad severely affected my bf as a child and even as an adult but at the end of the day, it's about the present and the future too. How would he feel if his dad died? If your dad is proactive and wants a relationship too, I think you should take the chance w/him. It's better to try than not to try at all.

    It's never too late but keep in mind that it takes TWO.
     
  5. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    I think since you have a 'sort' of contact at least, you should try.

    Ask him if he minds having you in his life and sort of pepping up the contact in doing things together more often.
     
  6. Dreams2Reality

    Dreams2Reality saywhat

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    I've never met my father in my life, I feel you, man.. I definitely know what you mean by the 'father-son' analogy.
     
  7. katt_85

    katt_85 OT Supporter

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    I've never met my father, either. I guess it makes things simple when you have no desire to. The only time it makes me uncomfortable is when people ask where my dad is and look scandalized when I tell them I don't have one.

    Invite him to do something like lunch with you, let him know a little of how you have been feeling and see if he'd like to spend time with you. Pick a mutually agreeable date for the future and plan something that you think he'd like to do. ie. If he likes golf, arrange a day at the course together.


    Don't expect to hop right on into their life, though. I don't know who he married, but theres always the possibility his wife may be uncomfortable being reminded your father had a life before her and her sons. Do your best to be respectful. I hope things work out for you.
     
  8. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    That must hurt a lot. I'd be very angry. It's sometimes worse to have that than to have never seen him at all.

    It's great you role model after the accomplishments, but are you modeling after him as a person? Because I'm not sure here, it appears to me you're looking for his approval? It's a normal thing to do, but is it in your best interest to do that under these circumstances?

    You don't know that he didn't want to. You must consider where he was coming from and find out from him, what he thought and felt about the events of his life before you, and after you were born. Also, it's ok to be angry and to be bitter, and it's ok to tell him how you feel. You don't have to yell or scream at him, you don't have to blame him and insult him, but you certainly cay say "You know dad, I feel really angry. I don't understand why you weren't in my life?"

    It's ok to say those things, and he won't likely get mad, because you're not blaming him.

    We all have a story, and most people aren't malicious, so try to suppress those assumptions.

    Everyone deserves to have a father. Having the person who gave you life acknowledge their decision as a good one, and that you are a good part of them, is a psychologically astounding support to the ego. It makes you feel that who you are is valid, is worthy.

    Now I'm not saying every father will give this to their child. Some simply aren't capable of doing it, for a variety of reasons, and some -- a very small percentage, just don't want to do it.

    Do what you think is right, you deserve to be happy, and that I think begins with finding out the truth about who this man is, and why he made the choices he has. The truth sets us free, whether we like what we hear or not.
     

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