SRS shitty family situation

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by mishka, Jul 28, 2008.

  1. mishka

    mishka Practically perfect in every way :)

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    so, this past january my younger brother (he's 17, i'm 21) committed suicide, but my mom found him and called EMS and they got a heartbeat going again in the ambulance. he hanged himself in the garage and his brain went without oxygen for about 15 minutes or so, so he has very extensive brain damage. needless to say this has dramatically altered my family life. my mom (and her mom and her sister) are all really high strung, and she always was a little partial to my brother, so now she's REALLY messed up. which is understandable.

    the problem is, she pretty much refuses to even try to deal with the situation and instead spends almost all her time at the rehab center with my brother, and if she isn't there my dad, aunt, or other family friends are. all so my mom can have peace of mind. i understand she's gone through the absolute worst thing a parent could imagine, but at the same time, i'm her child too and she ignores all aspects of her life but watching my brother, including her relationship with my dad. she doesn't see her friends anymore, she isn't sure she can even go back to teaching in the fall.

    so tonight i was at my parents house and my grandparents were there (my mother's parents) and my mom and grandma were guilt tripping me for not spending more time with my mom and brother at the rehab center. and i told her it's really hard for me, and it's hard because i'm tired from work already, i don't want to go see my brother like that all the time. and they think i'm just selfish and uncaring. i told them i want her to try to feel better and move on with her life (if she doesn't return to teaching in the fall she can't get insurance anymore, which is what's paying for my brother) so she really HAS to, not only for her own good. but they think what's best is for her to spend her time with him until he gets better... which isn't really going to happen.

    i don't know what i'm asking for here, i just wanted to vent mostly. but am i being a selfish brat, or is my family being ridiculous?
    :sadwavey:
     
  2. CorpseStreet

    CorpseStreet New Member

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    Your family is being ridiculous.
     
  3. Anticipate

    Anticipate New Member

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    Firstly, Mishka, I am really sorry to hear about your brother and your family situation, that must be a very upsetting situation for you to go through and I seriously cannot imagine what it must be like. In my opinion, you are absolutely not being selfish. I can tell from your post that you really do seem to care about your brother, but it seems like you feel that your mother is completely consumed by the situation and you are worried to become absorbed by it yourself. Although it may seem like your mother is going overboard, I suppose the experience of having this happen to a child is different for the mother than it is for a sibling, and you may not be able to relate to what she is going through emotionally. That said, it is probably not the best idea for her to guilt trip you into spending more time at the rehab center if you do not feel comfortable with it (in my opinion). Perhaps you can make an effort to see him at regular times and/or activities, such as every other Sunday for dinner, or go and watch a sports game with him?
    As for the insurance situation, is it possible for your brother to get insurance from your father if your mother decides not to return to work?
    At the risk of sounding corny, do you have a therapist/psychologist that you and/or your family is working with? A good therapist could probably help you and your family figure out priorities and help every one work together through a difficult and tragic situation.
     
  4. danceswdevils

    danceswdevils New Member

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    C. Neither of the above?

    This is a horrible situation for all concerned. But she isn't being ridiculous, and you are certainly not being a brat. Your grief, loss, and sense of abandonment are legitimate. It isn't fair to be accused of being selfish, but you really CAN'T talk about it with your family right now. It's just too raw. Suicide in particular sparks so much guilt and anger that it's just overwhelming.

    Maybe you can set up a schedule to sort of "relieve" her 2 or 3 times a week, so that she can take some time away from it? I know it hurts to see your brother like that. But it would allow you to be alone with him and reassure your mom that she doesn't have to "do it all" by herself. She's probably feeling so guilty, angry, and overwhelmed at this point.

    Mom really cannot support you through this, it's going to have to work the other way for now. If you need to talk to other friends and even a suicide grief self-help group, please do. Your family isn't likely to accept your feelings right now, but you need to be able to share them without criticism.
     
  5. mishka

    mishka Practically perfect in every way :)

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    i don't know what my dad's insurance situation is, but he's the one who told me that my brother needs to stay on my mom's so i'm going to trust him on that one. and the problem with spending time with him is that it's not only painful to see him like this, but usually when i'm there he's asleep or just out of it. his therapists are there on weekdays while i'm at work, and the rest of the time he's pretty out of it. he has a trach in, so he can't talk even if he had the ability to. it takes a lot to even get him to answer you by raising his arm or something, and even then it's only if you're asking him very, very basic questions. the doctors and nurses are unsure of how much he understands, and think he can't see. so "quality time" is very one-sided and difficult, especially since even when he was alive and normal we didn't get along well. he pretty much just lays there and drools and coughs some.
    but, i think you hit the nail on the head with me being afraid to get as absorbed with my brother as my mom is. i only have a year left in school and i need to work and stay focused on my own future, i can't let my family hold me back any more than they already have.
     
  6. mishka

    mishka Practically perfect in every way :)

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    she's being "relieved" by everyone, and she gets plenty of time at home. it's up to her to acknowledge that we aren't changing anything by being there, and take control of her life again.
     
  7. mishka

    mishka Practically perfect in every way :)

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    the problem is i might as well have lost him, he's just a shell of a person who can't control his body and can somewhat answer questions every now and then. it would've been better if he had died and we could mourn him, instead of just going through the loss every day.
     
  8. Ideotique

    Ideotique Drinking on monday nights does not make me an alco

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    After seeing a family member going through a similar thing (not suicide, but stroke) I agree. Often just forcing someone to be alive is the height of selfishness - I don't want to see this person dead so I'm going to keep them alive as a shell.

    Sorry to hear about it all though. Death is sometimes preferrable to a life with no quality.
     
  9. mishka

    mishka Practically perfect in every way :)

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    yeah, exactly. he has the same symptoms as someone who had a serious stroke.
     
  10. Ideotique

    Ideotique Drinking on monday nights does not make me an alco

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    :hug:

    Know how hard it is mate. Same situation for me 3 months ago. I work long hours, and after 70 hours a week the last thing you want to do is sit in a dark room watching someone you love in that situation.

    Thing to remember is different people respond in different ways. Some peope thrive on the grief and being there, others respond differently and need some separation. Neither is right or wrong.

    But spend some time with him, aven half an hour a couple of times a week. It's what I did. But I have to tell you, it was a relief when the person for me finally passed on. I knew her. She was active. She would not want to be dependant on everyone for her very life.
     
  11. Anticipate

    Anticipate New Member

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    It does sound like logically your mother should go back to work, however, this is a tragic situation that could make someone stop being logical.
    You mentioned his therapists, but I think it's important that you see your own therapist, to help you deal with your own feelings about this. Other types of therapy that could be helpful could be family therapy, especially with your mother, to deal with her pressuring you to see your brother more, or as was previously mentioned, going to a support group with other people/families in similar situations.
    I think that it's important to be concerned about your future, and to take care of yourself, however, it should not completely take you away from visits to see your brother, and spending time with your family as they cope with the situation.
    Two other things:
    1. Do you have any other siblings?
    2. Do you have a supportive friend or relative (distant- such as a cousin) who could accompany you to the rehab when you go, to help give you emotional support?
     
  12. OhFourTwoThree

    OhFourTwoThree New Member

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    Your mom needs to wake up and get her life together but it's not an excuse for you not to visit your mom/brother and provide some support. I know it's tough for you but you need to stop being selfish. You need to realize that as hard as it is for you to see your brother in such a condition, it is 1,000,000x harder for your mom so if you being there would make her feel better, you need to just s.uck it up and do it. I swear..what happened to family values?
     
  13. mishka

    mishka Practically perfect in every way :)

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    his therapists are occupational/speech therapists. but yes, i'm looking for one. and no i have no other siblings, and i feel bad asking people to go out there with me.
     
  14. mishka

    mishka Practically perfect in every way :)

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    i do realize how hard this is on my mom, and i do just "suck it up and do it." and i don't think you know enough about my family to comment on my family values, thanks.
     
  15. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    You are in an extremely difficult situation. You know everyone needs attention, and if the attention from your mom only goes to your brother you will start to feel bitter and angry towards your brother for what you feel as a person who is stealing attention away that should have been directed towards you.

    The best thing you can do, even tho your extremely tired is to help your mom out here for 3 reasons. 1. if you help your brother, then you won't feel selfish anymore. 2. Your family won't put you under stress for what they feel that you are being selfish. 3. you will help your mom to move on.

    Your brother has created a terrible disasterous situation for the whole family. Its up to you to turn this disaster into a virtue.

    My advice is to help along, and take your brother to the rehab center, that way your mom can have some free time feeling reassured that he's with you, not only for just doing that but also because im sure she would be happy to feel that the two of you are getting along together in a nice manner.

    I know its sucks x infinite, but when you look back on your life trust me when i say that you rather do it in a way where you know you helped your family out, rather then leaving them to rot and die.
     
  16. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    i have to agree. i know its hard going to see a loved one in that condition, but its not about you at that moment, its about them. my mom was in the hospital hooked up to a trach for 3 months and she couldnt speak to us at all, but we went and held her hand and told her what was going on, that we loved her, etc, and that made her happy. i dont care what type of relationship you had with your brother prior to this, all that kind of stuff goes out the window when your family needs you, and he needs you right now. the more you go, the easier it will get.

    as for your mom, she is probably being excessive with how her entire life is focused on him right now, but im not sure i can blame her. i think you both need some counseling to help you get through this time

    and dont forget to support each other. family is all you have. you sound very selfish when you say that this situation is holding you back from your life, when in reality, that shouldnt matter at all. if something happened with any of my family members, i would drop anything and everything to help them
     
  17. djshotglass

    djshotglass New Member

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    Not being able to speak temporarily is different than permanent brain damage. He doesn't want to see his brother like that. I wouldn't either. It's not like he never visits him at all. If I tried to commit suicide the last thing I would want is to be interrupted mid death and forced to live as a vegetable for the rest of my life.

    Threadstarter: I think your mother needs to realize that her life isn't over and she can't expect you to grieve like she does.
     
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2008
  18. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    my mother was never able to speak again. she passed away at the end of the 3 months in the hospital. it was hard then, but after she passed, i was happy i had gone to the hospital and had spent time with her. SHE appreciated it, all i'm saying is that the TS brother might too

    just cause he tried to commite suicide does not mean that he should live the rest of his life miserable in the hospital. it might not be ideal, but he is there and he probably needs all the happiness he can get, which would be visits from loved ones
     
  19. Maximumjmz

    Maximumjmz New Member

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    Your brother almost lost his life and is in a bad condition and you have the nerve to say your too tire to visit him. You seem like your not grateful that your brother is still alive and that your making excuses not to visit him. Why not take a day off?
     
  20. tenxia

    tenxia OT Supporter

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    Shit...sorry to hear about your bro and family situation. :hug:
     

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