She wants to get married...

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Hahawhat?, Feb 11, 2009.

  1. Hahawhat?

    Hahawhat? New Member

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    So my SO and I have been dating for over 6 years (both 22 now) and she has been pushing getting married really bad the last few years and it is starting to bug the hell out of me. Personally I don't want to get married because I am a broke college student who lives with his parents and if we get married we would still live with my parents till college is over, now I think if someone is married they shouldn't live with their parents or anything like that.

    I am perfectly fine with waiting till college is over and getting married but she wants to do it ASAP, I understand that we have been dating on and off for a long time but am I being stupid for wanting to wait till college is over before I get married? I just don't think I am at the point in my life where I am ready to get married and make that commitment, all I am focusing on is graduation in 2 years and working so I can save up now for a house in the future.

    Cliffs: SO wants to get married because we have been together for 6 years (both 22) and I want to wait another 2 years till we are done with college. Am I being stupid?
     
  2. Joshua

    Joshua ambition over everything OT Supporter

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    No. You're not.
     
  3. Ford4Life

    Ford4Life Guest

    You aren't being stupid. Finish school, get your career established, then talk about marriage.
     
  4. Coco Monkey

    Coco Monkey OT Supporter

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    6 years is a long time granted. If you two were out of college I'd say there's no point in waiting another two. But the whole college situation validates your reasoning.

    Reassure her that you two will get married when things settle down more and you two get your lives on track more.

    I'm getting married this fall, but we're both 27. Those years after college getting a career in line and started makes the difference.
     
  5. D7

    D7 OT Supporter

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    Definitely wait. You have your whole life ahead of you.
     
  6. Hahawhat?

    Hahawhat? New Member

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    I guess she just wants our adulthood to hit faster because she wants to have children and get a house as soon as we finish school. I told her it would be best to get a house and married then wait 2-3 years to build some income then have children but she is a women who loves children (wants to be a kinder garden teacher). We have talked about this issus probably once a week for the last two years and I was thinking I was being stupid because everyone says we should be married or askes when it is going to happen. We really have the Boy Meets World relationship like Corey and Topanga had.
     
  7. radfad88

    radfad88 The Batman-O-Lantern

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    I understand your wanting to wait until you're settled financially but this statement scares me (and is probably what scares her about your reasoning not to get married now): "I just don't think I am at the point in my life where I am ready to get married and make that commitment, all I am focusing on is graduation in 2 years and working so I can save up now for a house in the future."

    Basically, if I was with a guy for 1/4 of my life and when asked about marrying me he said he wasn't sure if he was ready to make a commitment then I'd probably be out the door finding a man who will. She probably just wants to know that you're on the same page as her about wanting to spend your lives together.
     
  8. D7

    D7 OT Supporter

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    You and your gf are the only ones who get a vote in that
     
  9. Hahawhat?

    Hahawhat? New Member

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    She knows I love her and that eventually we will most likely get married. Around the 3rd year she asked about the married thing and I told her then and everytime that if we are still dating and happy when college is done that we will get married.

    I am just a weird person and I don't want to think about getting married till I feel I am stable enough (financially really). Mentally if we had money and lived on our own I am 100% sure we would be married already but since I come from a poor family (parents made 30K last year) and her family doesn't help too much, we can't afford to live on our own and not get into debt. Both of us are paying college out of our pocket and plan on having no debt when we graduate. If you can't tell I pan on being a triple major with finance, economics, and general business management so I could talk money for hours.
     
  10. Hahawhat?

    Hahawhat? New Member

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    Thanks for the pm and advice, I appreciate it.
     
  11. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    that statement worries me too. shes probably grasping because shes scared to loose you and its smothering and annoying because you are not there yet

    1. dont get married if you are not ready. you are not doing her any favors by marrying her just because she wants it and wont shut up about it. its a big deal, and you should be ready and willing when you make that commitment

    2. you have a perfectly logical explanation on why you should wait. you guys need to finish college, you need money for a ring and you need money to live on your own. what is her response when you tell her this?

    3. you guys should spend a few years married before you jump into having kids. i dont care if you guys have been together 6 years, marriage is different than bf/gf and you guys need some quality time solidifying your relationship before you throw kids into the mix. i personally really really REALLY want kids right now, but i know the right thing to do is wait a few years, so we are.

    in short, you are not being stupid, you are being smart by waiting. hopefully you can have a logical conversation with her about this so she can see your side of it too
     
  12. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    No, you're thinking logically and she in thinking insecurely.

    Stick to your guns. I could totally understand why her persistance would turn you off, I think you are thinking with your head.

    You two don't even live together and that change alone should be discovered before you marry! Sounds like she's just scared you wont ever want to marry her so now she's pushing it more and more to see that you still feel the same. I'm going to assume you've explained to her all the reasons why you don't want to get married yet to her, right? If so, the next time she brings it up you need to have a SERIOUS talk with her that you are tired of her pushing you.

    Has she seen the move "He's Just Not That Into You" by any chance recently?????
     
  13. Alaya

    Alaya Active Member

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    If she's convinced enough she's going to spend the rest of her life with you, then why rush it :dunno: Just reassure her, that's all you can really do because 6 years is a long time, but you're not being stupid in the least. I couldn't even fathom getting married that young/in the midst of all that stuff. It's silly, and also why a lot of marriages fail when people get married young.
     
  14. Vysion

    Vysion New Member

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    THIS. ^

    Everyone will call me cynical, but a woman will not wait for a man to make a commitment, no matter how much she loves him or he loves her. She has her mind set on being married and starting a family. If she doesn't get this soon, she will start looking for a man that will give this to her.

    I'm not telling you to run out and get married. If you're not ready to get married then I suggest that you stick to your decision. But, the reality is that you can't expect her to wait until you are ready. Not since you've been together for 6 years. To a guy it makes sense to say "Let's wait until we're done with school and more financially stable", but to a woman that's like you saying you don't want to marry her.
     
  15. radfad88

    radfad88 The Batman-O-Lantern

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    I agree with his financial reasonings, but saying that he's not ready to think about the commitment is a red flag for me. You should be fine with the commitment part after 6 years, if you're not then I'd think there was something majorly wrong. All I'm saying is that I would leave that part out completely when talking to your gf about not wanting to get married, stick to just the financial reasons.
     
  16. skych

    skych New Member

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    just wait, there should never be a rush for that kinda stuff. if you're gonna be together then you're gonna be together
     
  17. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    So..my thoughts:

    If you're not ready to get married, you're not ready to get married. However...if she's been with you for 6 years, and has been binging it up over the last year or two...don't expect her to sit around and wait for you to be ready.

    Tell her you're not ready, but in your mind, be ready for the relationship to end over this issue.

    You both have to do what is right for each of you.
     
  18. Alaya

    Alaya Active Member

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    then they're better off breaking up if that's the case then to be pressured into marriage when they're 22 ffs, and not 6 years straight but "off & on"
     
  19. m3m750

    m3m750 Kickin' it old school

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    Where's the "Off and on" come from? All I saw was 6 years and that they're still on college. OP is smart to wait until they are in a position to get married before rushing in. That gives a much better chance of the marriage actually working.
     
  20. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

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    I think on a purely logical level you are being smart. You two are not in a position to get married, plan a wedding, and start married life together.

    You say you don't want to get married, is it purely because of where you both are in life or is it because you don't see yourself married any time soon (regardless of who to)?

    You need to sit her down and tell you how you feel, why you think the way you do, and how you explain it to yourself. Then ask her to repeat back what you just told her to make sure she heard it right.
    If you want to be with her and want to make a commitment, then you could always get engaged and just have a long engagement.

    But you should never ever propose to a woman because she wants you to. You should propose to a woman because you want to make a commitment with her and marry her.

    If she is that desperate to get married, why hasn't she bothered to propose to you?

    My post is all over the shop because I am not sure of your feelings on the matter. If it is just school that is preventing you or it is just a good excuse
     
  21. Hahawhat?

    Hahawhat? New Member

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    I do love her and will want to marry her eventually but right now in my life I don't feel ready for it if that makes sense and last night before bed we somewhat talked about it and I asked her if she wants to get married so badly why doesn't she propose to me, her response was "because I know you would say no." I told her for now I don't want to be but let me graduate and we can get married. I also told her that if she is ready to get married now then by all means find another guy who is willing to marry you (I know I'm an ass but this convo is annoying after we have it like once a week).

    I truely believe she just wants to get engaged now and married when we graduate and I am on the fence with that. Would that be a good idea because I plan on down the road getting married but just not now? Anyone have advice for that or any experience?
     
  22. T-R-T

    T-R-T New Member

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    No. Don't let her pressure you into doing anything now.
     
  23. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

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    To be honest, she sounds fixed on the idea of a wedding. She has you, you have told her you are committed to her and you do want to marry her. So it isn't as if you have told her never, no, we will never be that serious.

    I was with my husband for 6 years before we got married. We always saw ourselves getting married and neither of us wanted to be with other people but for a long time we just weren't ready for marriage and what it meant. Being together for ever doesn't equal marriage. What does marriage mean to her? What experiences has she had with it? Are her parents divorced? Being married to someone doesn't guarantee that they won't run away.

    I would sit down with her and make a timeline. Plan out the next 10 years of your lives and each of you mark down house, marriage, kids, etc. See where they match and where they don't and explain each others reasoning's for putting them there.

    My husband and I had children before we got married. My husband said no children until 2009. However I was able to ask him his fears and concerns about having children and did my best to eliminate them. His issues were security and money. I did up budget's to show him costs and that if we did x, y, z that we could afford to have me at home with a baby and we wouldn't lose our house. So because I was able to accept, support and rectify his fears surrounding having children we had one years earlier than planned - and then another :big grin:

    I understand the longing and the desire to have something happen, but I really do think she needs to understand that your lack of interest in marriage is temporary and not long term.

    And no, don't propose just because you think that is what she wants. You propose because YOU want to and because of what it means to YOU
     
  24. uneek

    uneek OT Supporter

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    why is waiting until you graduate such a big deal? ok, so you would have to live with your parents... so what? I'm not saying you should change your mind but I'd think long and hard about whether this means so much to you so as to risk losing this girl.

    theoretically, if living with your folks is such a problem, why not get married & remain living separately? just tossing out ideas here...
     
  25. copperkali

    copperkali Mrs. Nicklk

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    Why not just get engaged now and have a longer engagement? If you want to marry her and intend to, that may appease (sp) her for now.
     

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