She sometimes thinks we're moving too fast?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Nev, Jul 26, 2009.

  1. Nev

    Nev OT Supporter

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    So my SO and I have been 'official' for about a month now. Recently, and only on some days i've noticed some small things being different so I kind of asked her what was up...had a little talk, and it basically came out that she sometimes thinks that we might be moving too fast and she pushes herself away. We work opposite schedules so we don't get to see each other often, but when we CAN see each other, we always do. We get along great, and this was just brought up last night and again today. She assures me that she really, really does want the relationship to work, but she needs to figure out what's causing the issue sometimes.

    Background: This girl and I started talking after my ex and I broke up. She was there from about the moment we broke up...trying to be a friend and help me through, but she was also obviously interested. Well, we hung out and talked for a few months but I was kind of shady/apprehensive and was hit and miss. She eventually didn't know what was going on, or if it was going to go anywhere and backed away. Not long after that, something clicked in my head and it made me realize how bad I was screwing things up with a great girl. I told her how I felt, apologized for what I did, etc. We got together like 1.5 weeks later.

    Fast forward to now, when we've been together for a month. For the most part things are great. We never fight, we get along super well, we're both pretty into each other. Just at times though, I can tell she'll get a little 'off'..probably just wtihin the last 2 weeks or so. She admits its that at times she wonders if we moved to fast (with the whole fact that she didnt know if it was going anywhere from my end, and then i came out with how I felt and we sort of just jumped into it), and other times she has no problem with how things are. To be fair, she's stressed as hell from work too...might lose her job, hates her traffic-filled 1.5hour commute, etc etc.

    Also, she said she's never had anyone like me before and it might just take getting used to. I treat her extremely well and apparently old boyfriends took advantage of how nice of a person she is.

    Basically, I don't know what my play is. She said backing off and not talking isn't really an option. She couldn't do it and knows she wants this to work...but she has to figure out what's making her think the way she does sometimes. She may even just be afraid of gettign close and getting hurt.

    Opinions? I typed this up quick bc my nerves are all shot, so if anything needs clarification let me know.
     
  2. Nev

    Nev OT Supporter

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    it's honestly nothing big at all, and probably stuff that most people wouldnt even notice. Just frequency that she'd call/text me, how she'd talk. Just all small things in tone, word usage, etc
     
  3. Nev

    Nev OT Supporter

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    Yeah, I just don't know how to go about it really. I mean the girl cares about me, and that part is obvious. I'd like to give her space, but I dont even know if she really wants that. She said she doesnt want things to be awkward, she just really wants to figure out what it is that is making her feel that way on occasion. It could be simply that she's stressed from work, afraid to commit and get hurt, etc. It could be something worse, I really have no idea. I just dont know how to approach it at all, because I really don't want to screw it up. This is a great girl.
     
  4. Nev

    Nev OT Supporter

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    No, we don't live together. We've only been dating for a month now, although we did talk for a couple months before that, it was rocky bc of me just getting out of a relationship and being apprehensive, on and off, and really just not myself. It went from that to me flipping a switch and being all about us/her. It really was like something clicked in my head too. I think that jolt has something to do with how she feels. It went from her not knowing wtf I was thinking to BAM i'm all about her. I guess I'll just try to keep being myself, and maybe give a little more distance without making it completely noticeable. Things like hang out with my guy friends a little more even on nights we both have off, so it doesnt seem like she's the only thing in my life.
     
  5. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    she may just be doing this, without knowing, out of fear that you will leave/ that she's a rebound.
     
  6. Nev

    Nev OT Supporter

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    She knows for sure that she's not a rebound, and so do I. I think that's part of why I acted real shady and was apprehensive for a while. I did it so that it wouldnt end up as a rebound. Albeit, its not the best way to go about doing it, but it was more subconcious.

    I just feel like it was almost a role reversal. At first, I felt like she was into me more than I was showing that I was into her. Now I feel like I'm into her more than she's showing she's into me.

    She'll go in spurts it seems like. Like she won't be clingy for a while, then for a bit she will be all over me and cuddly, then kinda distant, etc
     
  7. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    just sharing bc i went through something similar.

    me and my current gf of ~ 2 yrs started talking here and there about a year before we offically started dating. when we first met she really liked me but i told her that i was not looking for anything serious as i had just come out of a LTR. she was hurt. i explained to her that she was very sweet and that if i did date her it would not end well.
    a year later i was ready to be in a RS and we actually got closer while just friends. i was lucky and she still wanted to be with me.

    the first few months she was scared to get too close bc of what happened the first time. she did not understand how i didnt want a RS and then all of a sudden i wanted to be with her.

    sounds like your girl is going through the same thing.
     
  8. Nev

    Nev OT Supporter

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    It's just a situation that I don't really know how to go forward with fixing. I'm not even sure there's anything I can do.

    I told her it's liek she lost some excitement or something just isn't there like it was. I understand that stuff does wear off over time, but it's just become pretty noticeable. She used to get so excited to see me and text, etc like crazy when she knew we'd get to hang out.

    That's the small stuff I can tell that has changed a lot.
     
  9. Nev

    Nev OT Supporter

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    Well, the first time around, she just thought 'oh hell, this isn't going anywhere'. So she backed off and I could tell something was up. So after a couple weeks of that, it all just clicked or me and I basically apologized and told her exactly how I felt. We started working on things a bit and probably a week or so after that (probably too early, and a mistake) I asked her if we could be together. She said she wasnt expecting that at all and her respone was "I don't know" at the time. She went on later to explain that she definitely DID want to be together, but she didn't want to rush into things. I'm assuming mostly out of apprehension.

    After that we started hanging out a lot more again and things were good. We were out on the 4th of July, and nobody really 'asked' anyone anything, but she referred to herself as my girlfriend that night and I guess taht's when we became a unit. This was probably only another 1.5weeks after I had initially asked her. So, in essence, she rushed herself into it after saying she didnt want to.

    She's not unhappy in the relationship now, she just says she feels so bad and it's unfair that she gets those feelings sometimes of moving too fast. She actually started tearing up today just because she knew that hearing all of that upset me and she doesnt want to see me upset with her.

    I just don't know wtf to do in the situation. :hs: I want it all to work, and she says that she does too
     
  10. Nev

    Nev OT Supporter

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    Well, the first time around, she just thought 'oh hell, this isn't going anywhere'. So she backed off and I could tell something was up. So after a couple weeks of that, it all just clicked or me and I basically apologized and told her exactly how I felt. We started working on things a bit and probably a week or so after that (probably too early, and a mistake) I asked her if we could be together. She said she wasnt expecting that at all and her respone was "I don't know" at the time. She went on later to explain that she definitely DID want to be together, but she didn't want to rush into things. I'm assuming mostly out of apprehension/uncertainty taht she got before.

    After that we started hanging out a lot more again and things were good. We were out on the 4th of July, and nobody really 'asked' anyone anything, but she referred to herself as my girlfriend that night and I guess taht's when we became a unit. This was probably only another 1.5weeks after I had initially asked her. So, in essence, she rushed herself into it after saying she didnt want to.

    She's not unhappy in the relationship now, she just says she feels so bad and it's unfair that she gets those feelings sometimes of moving too fast. She actually started tearing up today just because she knew that hearing all of that upset me and she doesnt want to see me upset.

    I just don't know wtf to do in the situation. :hs: I want it all to work, and she says that she does too
     
  11. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    give her some time. i think deep down she is nervous bc of your sudden flipflop on being w. her.

    be there for her and show in actions that you do want to be w. her (not saying that you are not doing so).

    unless this goes on for a long time, to the point that you get annoyed, the only thing you can do is wait for this feeling to go away. if it gets old for you then only thing you can do is walk away.
     
  12. Nev

    Nev OT Supporter

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    I show her in actions and I've told her how I feel. I might be TOO nice to her, honestly. Ever since that flipflop though, I've been basically the nicest person ever...so her doubts really shouldnt be there.
     
  13. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    i understand what you're saying but it has not been that long. just bc you are being super nice doesnt mean its still not in the back of her head.
     
  14. Nev

    Nev OT Supporter

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    Yeah, and I'm sure it still is.

    I always have an anxiety/nerve problem when it comes to seeing stuff like this play out though. :hs:

    There's also always the possibility that she's just losing interest and thought she made a decision too quickly. :wtc:
     
  15. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    yeah waiting is not my forte either.

    yes, there is that possibility. do not over think it though. if you do and thats not at all what she is going through you may push her to leave you bc you seem insecure.

    its really up to you. decide how long you want to put up w. her being back and forth. either it fixes itself or once you get to the breaking point just leave her.
     
  16. Nev

    Nev OT Supporter

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    Tough time leaving such an awesome girl :hs:
     
  17. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    Sometimes, when she says "we're moving too fast" it really means that she is really starting to like you, but she's not sure that you really like her.

    "We're moving too fast" is a great phrase to toss out there to see just how interested the other person is. Why? Because it literally means you have to take no risk (you, after all, soundlike you are backing off) to see how the other person reacts to what you say. And she'll judge how much you like her by the way you react to her saying that.
     
  18. Nev

    Nev OT Supporter

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    That's not the case here. I make it pretty clear how I feel..she's more than aware
     
  19. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    Are you sure?

    Or do you make it pretty clear how you feel in a way that YOU think is clear, but to her it might not be so clear?
     
  20. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    I think this is the problem. It sounds like you turned into somewhat of a pussy once you guys got together. When she liked you before, you had a life of your own and weren't worried about whether or not you had her. Now you are so worried about losing her that you put on this overly fake-nice act, which just turns her off. Part of why she liked you before is that you weren't displaying the usual nice guy/doormat behaviors (in your case though you were too distant which is why she backed away). You need to find a good middle ground. She thinks you are moving too fast because you are. You've already neglected your own life and made things "all about us/her". She shouldn't be your whole world already.

    Btw, being nothing but super super nice to her all the time will kill her sexual attraction for you. It's fake and it makes you look desperate.


    You know that saying "how can i miss you if you won't go away"? :o That's why she lost excitement. You need time away to miss each other.
     
  21. Nev

    Nev OT Supporter

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    This is a lot along the lines of
    what I've been thinking...just ease inti getting more of my own life back outside of her. It just sucks bc we don't have much time to see each other as it is. Is this a point of no return or is it recoverable?
     
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2009
  22. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    What are your schedules exactly and when do you see each other? Do you constantly text/aim/talk on the phone when you aren't together?

    No, I think it's totally recoverable since it's been such a short time. Just slowly ease back into having your own life a bit more while still being with her. Try not to chat so much when you aren't together because then it feels like you're never really apart.

    Also, what do you guys do when you're together? Do you spend most of the time at home or do you go out and do things?
     
  23. Nev

    Nev OT Supporter

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    Still not completely sure how this one is going to turn out. I need a way to fire up sexual attraction again
     
  24. Nev

    Nev OT Supporter

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    She works a 9-6 schedule with weekends off and right now I'm working a retail schedule that has me not getting home until midnight most days including weekends. I have random weekdays off normally and my schedule always changes. We do talk a decent amount when we are both at work but I wouldn't call it constantly. We will send a couple texts back and forth and normally call for a little during break.

    We try to get out and do as much stuff as possible, especially if I manage to get a weekend day off. If it's during the week, he doesn't get home until 630 or so and has to wake up early so I usually just go to her house and we lay around watchig tv and she falls asleep. Neither of us have our own place which also sucks. We are both working on it and I've also been trying to find a new job but nothif seems promising at all.
     
  25. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    I'm just posting cause this isn't letting me go to page 2 for some reason, so if I reply, maybe it will. :dunno:
     

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