She just wants to be "friends, for now.....

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by AaronJ, Oct 29, 2006.

  1. AaronJ

    AaronJ New Member

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    Background info:
    I just moved into college for my freshman year. I had been dating the same girl for the last 5 years of my life, and things began to change. About the time that our relationship started to weaken i met an awesome girl, who we will call Kendra. She is most definatly the coolest girl i have ever met, and we have so much stuff in common it is almost scary. I began hanging out with her quite a bit, and then me and my girlfriend broke up. We didn't break up due to Kendra, but i do admit that i was attracted to her in "that way" while me and my ex were still together.

    The more time i spent with kendra the more things started to progress. It wasn't uncommon for us to cuddle while watching movies, and i slept in her bed with her a couple nights. The feeling i get with this girl is amazing, and plus i haven't had something like this happen to me since i was like 14. It felt so good to actually have things not be so predictable as it was with my ex. I really started to think that we were going to end up in a relationship, but then we talked about it. Kendra brought it up and basically said "is it ok if we can just be friends..." I basically told her that i was really wanting to talk to her about this, and that i was seeing us going somewhere with our relationship. She basically goes on to say how i really don't want to date her right now, and that she thinks i need a little bit of time since i just got out of my long-term relationship. She also says she had definately thought about us being in a relationship, but that she thinks she has to many complications and problems that i would be stuck with if we started a relationship. So basically she said "I just want to be friends, at least for now"

    I am trying to understand what i should do now. I know most of you are gonna say that this is here easy way to say she doesn't want to date me...but the thing is I know she does. To be honest i am more hurt by this than i was when my 5 year relationship ended :rolleyes:. Things aren't awkward whatsoever, but i just don't know what my actions should be from here on out. We will definately stay good friends, but i eventually want to take it to that next step. I know she probably wants the same, but when do i know? I really don't want to be placed in her "friends" list and have her feelings change to just a friend, and then when the time comes that she wants a relationship again..she won't be into me anymore.
     
  2. Toda Party

    Toda Party .....

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    I think you're already aware that you're on her "friends list". If she were attracted to you, something would have happened when you slept in her bed. Why didn't you make some moves? Talking about having a relationship was a bad idea... relationships should just happen. Having a verbal agreement about it is not the way to go. That's just my two cents. I'm sure Poco will respond, break down all of the pieces and explain them.
     
  3. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Besides cuddling with her/sleeping in her bed, did you show any interest in her? Just feeling something isn't enough, the other person can't read your mind. You have to SHOW that you're interested.

    So you cuddled a lot...yes, that's nice and comfortable, but it can get boring after awhile. Did you ever ask her out? Ask her to go somewhere with you, to do something, go out to eat, etc?

    How were you thinking you were going to end up in a relationship? You weren't doing anything to further it, and neither was she. It doesnt just happen magically, someone has to take a risk to try to get it to go further.

    Basically, you had a chance...but you didn't make a move, and she gave up on you or got bored.

    You messed up and missed out. Learn from it, and move on.
     
  4. AaronJ

    AaronJ New Member

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    See the thing is that i couldn't really go any further, i was still dating my ex at the time...but other than that we took it as far as some good ol' arm around her, back massage, stuff like that...She definately knew i was interested in moving on into a relationship, and thats why she stopped and told me that she didn't want one now..as to not be leading me on.

    I did ask her out on several occasions, and she did the same for me....I am not debating about why she decided to not move into a relationship with me, i just want to know how i should go about doing things until that time comes.
     
  5. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Maybe she doesnt feel comfortable with being with someone who would pursue another woman while still in a relationship?

    She may have felt guilty or uncomfortable with herself for doing anything. The problem with entering a relationship in this manner is that the girl knows you have pursued at least one woman while still in a relationship...what's to say you wouldn't do the same thing while you were with her?

    Also, stop assuming that it WILL happen. If you do, you'll just set yourself up for a heartbreak. It might happen in the future, it might not. It's rather stupid, and the height of arrogance to assume that you KNOW that you will eventually get in a relationship with this woman.
     
  6. Genghis.Tron

    Genghis.Tron New Member

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    Now that she can have you she doesn't want you. Back off, do you things ans she might gain some interest back if you seem to lose interest.
     
  7. Socrates

    Socrates New Member

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    You know she wants to date you? If she really wanted to date you, she would be dating you. She made excuses to not date you. You're in denial my friend.

    You slept in her bed, but didn't do anything with her? You only cuddled with her, but never went further? You talked to her about wanting to be with her?

    Actions speak louder than words. In fact, actions do all the speaking. Words don't mean shit.

    You didn't take it to the next level when you needed to, and now you're friendzoned.

    Contrary to what most guys think, the friendzone isn't hard to get out of.

    If you ever want any chances with this girl, stop pursuing her. Date other women, and make it known to this girl (by her seeing them and meeting them, not by you telling her), and she'll come around, if you do things right.
     
  8. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Socrates, remember, he couldn't do anything at the time because he was still in a relationship with his old gf.

    I know I seem harsh and a bit negative about it, but if you're going to pursue another woman, I really think one should break up with the current gf first.

    And thing thing is...this girl knew he had a gf at the time, right?

    Wouldn't those actions also speak volumes?
     
  9. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    You got friendzoned here...

    Your mistake was talking about the relationship instead of making your intentions clear from the start by asking her on a date. You became friends instead of lovers, and since you did not make a move she felt no passion. The worst part of all this is now you're that much closer to her emotionally and she's that much further away.

    Next time, ask her on a date sooner rather than later, or never. Also avoid "talking about it" when you could be doing it, so to speak.

    She basically gave you 4 excuses in a row to try to get you to lose her trail, so to speak. If you really like her, walk away cold and see what happens.

    You're completely deluding yourself. If she wanted to date you, she never would have risked losing you by saying she just wanted to be friends. She basically said you're not masculine enough for her, which is practically an insult, yet you're still all gung-ho that she wants you.

    Exactly. And you shouldn't have invested so much emotions before knowing if she had any feelings for you. Again, a typical mistake.

    Actions? She friendzoned you and it's likely to be final, *especially* if you keep giving her attention. You are rewarding her for kicking you to the curb. If you had a little more self respect and walked away she'd see you're more mature than she thought and may be interested in you. The puppy-dog chase after her even though she's "kicked you" is unattractive to most women.

    She's already moved on. Seriously. You should, too.
     
  10. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    And this is exactly the correct solution.

    Do NOT talk to her like a "friend" (aka, "girl") about other women, who you are dating, or any of that other stuff. In fact, be too busy to hang out with her. Let it get back to her that you were out at a party last night and had a great time without her, talked to lots of people, and had fun.

    Friends with women means you're a "girl" to her, and women want a "man" for a partner. Stop acting like a girl, or a child to his mother (pursuing her) and she may change her mind. Maybe.
     
  11. Socrates

    Socrates New Member

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    But he was cuddling with her? Maybe i'm missing something here.

    From the timeline of his story, it sounds like he was cuddling with her after he broke up with his ex.

    Either way, at any point he was cuddling with her, he should have been doing a lot more than that.
     
  12. gkremian

    gkremian New Member

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    From what I gathered, he was cuddling while he was going out with his ex. I don't know entirely if she has lost interest, but it seems like you missed out on some chances. You may still be able to pull things together, but don't chase after her. You're only going to make things work if you find other things to occupy your time with and don't see her very much. Let her forget a little bit about what is going on right now.
     
  13. otherlank

    otherlank OT Supporter

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    maybe she just wants to make sure she isn't a rebound girl and is something truely special to you. That's what I get from the "You dont want to date me now" thing. She doesn't want to get into a relationship and get hurt if you realize that you just used her to get over the ex.
     
  14. AaronJ

    AaronJ New Member

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    I think that is what is going on right now. That and she is kind of going through some tough times right now, she has alot of stuff going on with college (considering dropping out, shit like that) and also some problems with her family.

    Thanks for all the input guys, what i will do will probably just try and get a little distance from her to get her to chase me a little...And i act like a guy that wants to date her, not a friend, trust me

    BTW-She was the one who initiated the conversation, as to not lead me on anymore, basically from what i understand is that she doesn't want a relationship with ANYBODY right now, but if she did I would be a great candidate...if that makes any sense...So i really am just trying to figure out how to not get friendzoned in the meantime...
     
  15. Socrates

    Socrates New Member

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    Dude, you already are friendzoned. The only advice you responded to is the one you wanted to hear, the one giving you quick hope.

    Poco can pick apart your last post and knock some sense into your head better than I can, so i'll let him do it.
     
  16. Toda Party

    Toda Party .....

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    I fully agree.
     
  17. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Shr gave you 4 excuses/reasons for why she doesn't want to date you right now. If she just wanted to make sure you weren't going to use her as a rebound girl, then she wouldn't have given 4 excuses.

    Give her some space, see other women, but lose the attitude of "I know we'll end up together, and that she really does want to date me". You're holding onto any shred of hope you can get, which reeks of desperation.

    The fact that you care so much about trying to get this girl to date you is going to show, and make you seem desperate and needy.

    There ARE other women out there.

    Edit: Just reread your post.

    "Thanks for all the input guys, what i will do will probably just try and get a little distance from her to get her to chase me a little...And i act like a guy that wants to date her, not a friend, trust me"

    So, you act like someone who wants to date her. She knows you want to date her. But she flat out told you, she just wants to be friends. She told you nicely, that she DOES NOT WANT TO DATE YOU!

    It's as simple as that.
     
    Last edited: Oct 30, 2006
  18. Two toys

    Two toys New Member

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    speaking from experience you lose. she doesnt want you, she's letting you down easy.
     
  19. AaronJ

    AaronJ New Member

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    Well thanks for all the feedback guys...damn some of you guys are really pessemistic..Well it may be true that she possibly never wants to date me, but thats all right, my life would go on. I will try my strategy and give it a little bit of time, and i will make myself less available to her. If i do end up in a relationship it would be awesome, and i will make a post at how i defied all ods of vag and poco, if not i will be stuck with a great friend!

    I'll try to keep everyone updated if i have time
     
  20. Socrates

    Socrates New Member

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    Being pessimistic about your situation doesn't help any of us.

    We are being realistic. I can't speak for everyone else, but i'm speaking from MUCH personal experience in this situation, and tons of experience of hearing people talk about the same situation you're in here on the vaginarium.

    Given the facts you have laid out, the outcome of these situations are almost always the same. Based on the things she has said to you, and the excuses she have gave you, I would say that girls have said that at least 90 bajillion times, and it ends up the same way 95% of the time.

    We're just trying to give you a realistic answer and not paint any pretty pictures for you. That's what your friends in real life are for. We are here to give you a real answer.
     
  21. Socrates

    Socrates New Member

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    You wouldn't be defying anyone man.

    The "odds" are based 100% on what you do.

    Poco agreed that there is a solution, which means he thinks you can still sleep with her.

    Now, if you sleep with her with your current "wussy" mindset (no offense, it's just terminology), and with your hoping she will eventually come around and like you anyways, then yes, you would have defied the odds.
     
  22. Two toys

    Two toys New Member

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    umm, good luck, im definately not here to bring you down, just from my life I know these signs and i've been in denial like you are, in the same boat you are. She said the same type of things. guess what, a week after she was dating some other guy.

    its not a matter of her not wanting a relationship. if she thought you were one in a million and everything she wants she wouldnt risk losing you. something you dont understand at all.
     
  23. Socrates

    Socrates New Member

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    The reason you probably think me, and other guys in this thread, may be being dicks is because we've seen it before.

    Me personally, this type of shit really does piss me off. This stuff made me miserable through middle school and high school.

    It took me going through dozens of girls, thinking I could logically talk them into liking me, to realize it.

    I know what the pain feels like, and the reason I am so adament about you coming to a realistic realization is because I hate thinking of other guys feeling the same way I did.

    It is so simple (Didn't say easy) once you understand everything, but it just takes a while to see the whole picture.

    The #1 reason I give advice on this thread is to keep situations like this from turning into a heartache for the guy or girl.
     
  24. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    Haven't had time to read the whole thread, or even your entire original post.

    But I do want to address the issue of cuddling.

    Cuddling fulfills her needs much moreso than yours. Not to say you don't enjoy it, but being comforted is an important need of hers.

    When you cuddle with her and it doesn't go any further, you have communicated to her that you are willing to fulfill her needs but that she doesn't have to worry about fulfilling yours.

    I made this mistake as a teenager a couple of times myself. You have to learn to not cuddle even though you want to be close to her. Save cuddling for a reward after SHE gives YOU what YOU want.
     
  25. AaronJ

    AaronJ New Member

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    Yeah i understand that you guys are being realistic, and i appreciate that...But i do try and look at it from a different perspective it IS possible that maybe she does just need some time right now, and that maybe she is just waiting it out to see if she isn't just a rebound gir (which she isn't). I don't find that to hard to believe, so that is why i am just going to give it some time and space, and then go from there.
     

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