Sexually upfront

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by runawaycamel, Jul 3, 2008.

  1. runawaycamel

    runawaycamel New Member

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    So I'd like to hear some opinions. I've always been very open about sexual topics and comfortable with my body, etc. I don't sleep around with just anyone, but I will fool around with someone here and there and I'm not afraid to just be naked in front of someone. No big deal. Ok..onwards..

    Anyways, lets say you go on a date with a girl (i'm a girl, but Im thinking from a guy's perspective), no kiss or anything happens, then the second date you makeout, and the third you don't have sex, but you do some oral and the like. This seems to me like a pretty typical progression, but I have always had insecurities about seeming too upfront and too willing to have sex and fool around. I'm now going out with this guy, we still haven't had sex, but I've made it clear that I want to.

    As much as I'd like to say I have no insecurities, I really do. Even when there is nothing to worry about, I do. I've been cheated on in the past and I've had guys say they 'love me' and then disappear a week later. So around him I'm really trying my hardest to appear unclingy and confident, etc.
    But I still am afraid he's just going to become totally turned off and one day I won't hear from him again. There is no reason why I should feel like this. All of his words AND...actions...speak positively. It's just inside I'm this neurotic, paranoid mess.

    So, anyways, back to my initial question and concern...the fact that I'm appearing so open about sexual topics and not afraid to put myself out there like that (we are going out, mind you) ...that's not a reason for a guy to be put off, right?
    I wouldn't think so, but I'd like to hear what other people think.
     
  2. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    It's like everything else. Some guys will like it, some won't. If it's part of who you are, and they don't like it, then you know they aren't compatible with you.

    It's just that simple.
     
  3. sapient

    sapient New Member

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    No, a guy is not going to be turned off by sexual desire for him. He'll be turned off by neurotically needing him around at all times for emotional fulfillment. It's fine to want us, but don't make us feel like we're required for you to enjoy your life, or that we're some definite prerequisite for you to be happy.

    Sexual want and passion, and desire to be around someone is very good.
    Clingy desperation for happiness which generates a need to be around someone - which is to say they aren't happy with themselves - is very bad.

    It's desire vs. need at play here, and it seems you're well within the bounds of desire. You're fine.
     
  4. BlackIce72

    BlackIce72 New Member

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    A crazy amount of guys have sexual anxiety, which leads to them 'believing' that being open about sex is 'not them'.

    When in reality they routinely jerk off like 3 times a day.

    I see a lot of hypocrisy there. The issue is that this is sooooo ingrained in them as an excuse it is pretty much believed as the truth.

    Yet, come 1 AM, they open 'New Folder' and commence the whack
     
  5. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Other than that-just do what you want to do. Never fool around or sleep with someone unless it's what you want and are ready for.

    I'm probably too open about sex right from the start, maybe because I hang out with so many men, I don't really know or care...some guys in my past loved it and others wanted the passive girl and had a Madonna complex.

    It more sounds like you are just insecure and unsure abohut where you are with some new guy you are dating. Would talking to him about how you feel be so bad?
     
  6. runawaycamel

    runawaycamel New Member

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    I've done the talking about my insecurities to guys thing before...no good has ever really come from it. It just brings that insecurity to the forefront and I never felt thattt...much better from that. I do think it's something I have to deal with on my own.
     
  7. chica&buddies

    chica&buddies Active Member

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    the only reason i think that guys would have any sort of reservation about being with you is if you are very explicit with your details on said sexual topics.

    a lot of guys aren't comfortable with a woman being with a lot of men, which is sort of self explanatory [i guess], but on the flip side, the illusion that a woman has been with many guys is somewhat a turn off as well.

    so, if when you're describing sexual topics, you're discussing him [the guy you're currently dating] and what you'd like to do to him :naughty:, then i think you're okay. if you're mentioning past experiences, it's a :nono:

    :dunno: i think that i'm pretty open about sexual topics, but i make it perfectly clear to the guy that i don't initiate taking it to the sex [actual intercourse] level. for some reason, i've never been comfortable doing that. however, i'm like you. i'll let them know that i'm interested in going further with them. i, however, have a very different outlook on how fast to move a relationship.

    :hs: i'm a little :sad2: after reading this part. i honestly think this progression may be a little forward, but then again, one also needs to take into account the time between dates and communication had with the person during that time. is it 2 days? a week? 2 weeks? :dunno:

    just be aware that some guys think once they have sex with someone, there's really nothing else to discover. that's :rolleyes: imo. there's this whole person with a personality to get to know! i think you should let them get to know that side of you [and you get to know him] before you go to that level.

    because, and correct me if i'm wrong, i'm getting the vibe that you're having sex with the person within the first month of dating, if not sooner. is that right or have you waited longer?
     
  8. runawaycamel

    runawaycamel New Member

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    I haven't actually had sex with him yet, but we've been close. It is about the first month of dating and we just hit it off much better then I could have ever imagined. We've hung out about...6 or 7 times. Not during all of those times have we just made out and such. We do actually 'hang out,' too, so we are getting to know each other in other ways. He tried initiating sex the first time, but I said no, the second time I hinted at it, but it didn't really work out. *shrug*
     
  9. runawaycamel

    runawaycamel New Member

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    Oh, and perhaps I should add...I will be leaving for New York in a couple of days and will be gone about a month and a half, so there has been this kind of ...'farewell' week going on as well. I don't know if that would change things up a bit.
     
  10. uwofrost

    uwofrost New Denver Crew

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    If i was in the position of your "SO" i would have taken the hints to make a move and done so around date 3 maybe 2 depends on how the chemistry was.

    Not everyone is secure with themselves and their game.
     
  11. Alaya

    Alaya Active Member

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    .

    And also, if you're asking an internet message board about the timing of when you guys should first have sex - you probably aren't ready to have sex with him.

    If you're still thinking in terms of "I'm afraid to give it up because I may never here from him again," you, again, probably aren't ready. When you decide to have sex with someone is when it's right for you, and also when you can handle all the possible consequences - which includes someone dropping off the face of the earth like you said has happened.

    This isn't something we can answer, as it's so catered to every single individual situation :dunno:

    You may be secure with your body and all that jazz, but it doesn't actually seem like you're all that secure with your own sexuality.
     
  12. uwofrost

    uwofrost New Denver Crew

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    .
     
  13. chica&buddies

    chica&buddies Active Member

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    absolutely. i would not have sex with him before this trip... if you want him to be around when you come back.

    i'm not saying he will leave, but there's a better chance he'll still be around if he's waiting to get in your pants.
     
  14. XaPU!M

    XaPU!M Active Member

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    Obviously everyone is different, but I would be more willing to "wait" for a girl that left with a proper goodbye :)idhitit:) then one who didn't give it up. Rock his world and he'll count the days till she came back.
     
  15. chica&buddies

    chica&buddies Active Member

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    but she said 1st month of dating.

    :dunno: maybe i'm just paranoid, and i think that every guy is going to use me for sex. :o i like to keep hold of the goods. :hs:
     
  16. Bruticus

    Bruticus half dead OT Supporter

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    Having sex after one month isn't overly fast? I'd say that's pretty normal, leaning towards a bit late actually.

    I have to agree with XaPU!M here, I'd be more likely to hang around if we had a proper "goodbye". If I met someone in that month and a half away I'd be more likely to be interested in them if nothing had happened in the other relationship.

    You are somewhat paranoid :eek3: Guys obviously want sex (I assume you do as well) and I guess you could call that "using" you for sex. But that doesn't mean that they don't actually want to date you, with sex being a by-product, or that they are going to dump you as soon as you do have sex.

    You may be running off some good guys by "holding onto the goods" for too long a period and they just get frustrated and think you don't feel the same way or are being a tease :dunno:
     
  17. chica&buddies

    chica&buddies Active Member

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    interesting thoughts, to say the least :eek3:
     
  18. fray

    fray New Member

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    Do you really want him around if he's just waiting so he can get in your pants though??
     
  19. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    Like MattThomas said, it just depends on the guy.

    From your post, Chica, it doesn't sound to me like you have a lot of experience fucking men early on in the dating cycle. So would you really know the consequences?

    The girl I first fell in love with slept with me on the second date after the 10th hour or so.

    The girl I could never love - slept with me only after we had broken up and she wanted me back.

    In both cases, the WHEN of the sleeping with me had NOTHING to do with the loving. It was the connection, the sex was a natural extension of that and it came when it did.

    This is all silly though because not all guys are like me and it just depends on the person.

    There is also the factor of how confident you (the girl) are and how strong your frame control is. Frame control is what sets the rules of the interaction and the presumptions and values in the interaction. If your frame control is strong enough and you personally do not believe in the madonna/whore dichotomy, you will elicit the "Omg, I never thought I would be okay with / into / interested in XYZ type of girl," reaction, even from guys who aren't secure. I've seen this time and again with my lover Emily, and my sister, and basically any self-assured woman who was quite quite quite quite certain in her world-view.

    Stick it to the man... or don't. It depends on the guy and it depends on your own confidence/frame control. Maybe lots of trial and error is the only real answer to this so you can prove to yourself that not all guys are insecure about the fact that women have sex with men.
     
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2008
  20. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    :bowrofl:
     
  21. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    :squint:

    how did you know the title of that folder
     
  22. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    i think i just felt a wave of feminism wash over my psyche, reacting against your posts.

    try "i like to own my sex"

    jesus christ. take a female sexuality workshop or something

    it's not the sex. it's the connection, stoopid.
     
  23. Tard Carnival

    Tard Carnival New Member

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    You're probably right, but it's not from what you think.

    Know what men fear more than a clingy insecure girl? One who's really clingy and insecure but good at hiding it.

    Eventually he's going to figure out what you really are like as a person, and he's going to realize you've been trying to hide it the entire time. He'll begin wondering what else you've been dishonest about. He'll decide it's better off to cut his losses and try to find someone else who's a little more up front about who she is than what she wants inside her.

    Be more of yourself and you can focus more on finding someone who likes your personality traits and put less effort on hiding them.
     
  24. Kinks

    Kinks Sup. OT Supporter

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    Mine's called "Income Tax Notes"




    :eek3: just realised why my accountant looked at me strangely last financial year..



    :mamoru:
     
  25. hsugh knight

    hsugh knight Guest

    Self-respect comes before self-esteem. :hs:
     

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