Sexual compatibility issues

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by ForgottenSpiral, Dec 10, 2008.

  1. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    I love sex. If it were up to me I'd have sex once or twice a day. I understand that isn't realistic though. Most people seem to be content with around 3-4 times a week. I would be content with that. Below that and I start to get pissy like when you're hungry. The longer it goes, the worse my mood gets.

    My girlfriend sees sex as something special. If it were up to her, she'd only have sex when the mood struck her, which would be once every couple weeks. She recognizes that is below normal and so she's comfortable with twice a week. Beyond and she starts to have issues with it.

    So it seems like 3 times a week would be fair for us, right? I think she and I probably agree on that in theory. The problem is, due to our living situations and lives (which will not change until May), we usually only see each other Friday through Sunday, roughly 2-3 times a month. I feel like that's plenty of time for 2-3 sex sessions. My SO doesn't want to have sex every day she's with me.

    She can commit to once for each weekend we're together. That means around 3 times a month. That makes for a pissy ForgottenSpiral. She isn't comfortable with any more than that. I'm not happy with that little. So do I put up with being sexually frustrated for 6 more months? Do we break up because our needs don't match? Is there some other way to compromise?

    I've bargained with naughty pics to hold me over or saying we didn't have to have sex if she would just be with me when I take care of myself, but both of these ideas made her uncomfortable. It's all sex to her and if she isn't comfortable with sex, she isn't comfortable with anything involving sex.

    Now I just moved up here 6 months ago to be with this girl. Over the summer when our living situation was different, everything was fine. 3 times a week more or less. We were both happy with it. We've been in counseling for the past few months and we've made a commitment to work on things, this obviously being one of them.

    The problem is right now neither of us are happy with the situation. I feel like my needs aren't being met and she feels like she's not good enough. Neither one of us wants to break up, but we also don't want to be in a relationship that makes us feel like crap. What are the options here, vag? Is it really a tough it out and see if things improve later or break up situation? Is there anything else that can be done to find a compromise?

    I know I'm not the first person to be in this position, so I'm hoping some of you have some strength, experience and hope to share.
     
  2. MCohen

    MCohen #NotMyPresident #AmericaIsAlreadyGreat #GoSolar OT Supporter

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    Find another girl to help you out. Before everyone jumps down my throat about this: Look at the strain it will take off the relationship. Look what these 2 have been through and something like sex is about to end their relationship.
     
  3. Alaya

    Alaya Active Member

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    Was her sex drive always like this? If you asked her, would she say she's always had a somewhat lower than normal sex-drive? Or, was there a change somewhere down the road?

    I wouldn't jump ship yet, I'd try to get at the root of her low sex-drive. Is it arousal? Is it birth control? Has she started any new medications? On any medications period, even if it didn't affect her sex drive at first it may now... etc. etc.
     
  4. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    Her sex drive has always been where it is. She isn't on medication and has no known medical conditions. She was abused when she was a child, but has been through extensive therapy for it.
     
  5. Torzilla

    Torzilla New Member

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    She doesnt want to have sex with you EVERY day shes with you. I think thats normal. Basically what I'm reading is that since you dont see each other for 4days a week that she has to make up those days because you agreed to 3 times a week? I may misunderstand that but its my interpretation at the moment. The way I'd compromise is that 3/7 days you'd both be content with sex right?. That could be 3/7 days that you ACTUALLY see each other. 1 day out of 3 most of the time.. 2 days on occasion.
    You said everything was working out when your living situations were different. Why did that change and will it be changing back?
     
  6. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Will she give you head on days she doesn't want to have intercourse?

    That's usually a good compromise.
     
  7. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    Rationally I understand the situation. Once a weekend sounds fair. The problem is, I'm simply not satisfied with 3 times a month. So while that might be enough for her, it isn't for me.

    The living situation is due to her being in school, which will only be until May.
     
  8. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    Haha. In my dreams, but only there I'm afraid. Anything sexual is sex to her so if she only wants it once a weekend, that includes anything like that.
     
  9. TheRemains

    TheRemains If I sound disrespectful, it's only because you're

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    I've been there before. Created lots of tension in the relationship and eventually led to our breakup. I couldn't get her to change. I think it's a personality thing. Certain women just don't see sex as a fun activity. They see it as "scratching an itch." so to speak. They have no desire to have sex just for the fun of it, they see it as something that their body, every once in a while, asks them to do. They scratch the itch, and away it goes until their hormones build up again.

    I'm guessing there's never been a situation where she's initiated sex. it's always felt like something you're doing to her, and she's just kinda going along with it?
     
  10. KrissyKrass

    KrissyKrass New Member

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    I would try to work on it. There has to be a compromise somewhere. But if you are not happy with her drive now you probably won’t be down the road either. Unless there is some kind of medical problem that can be treated…it probably won’t change.

    Definitely discuss it first. Could be that she just doesn’t feel comfortable or is needed something from you to make her more into it.
    Worth a shot. Good luck.
     
  11. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    She has initiated sex before, but it is so rare that I almost want to say she hasn't. I would say that most times we have sex she is comfortable with it and enjoys it, but not necessarily wants it. If that makes any sense.


    This is a good way to sum up exactly how I feel right now. I feel like there has to be a solution, but I fear that I'll never really be satisfied.

    This definitely plays a part. There are definitely some trust issues between us, which makes intimacy a little harder to maintain. At the same time, we both have issues from the past that play into this as well.

    We've been together for a little more than 2 years now.

    No. In fact, the reason she isn't is because she doesn't want to compound these problems by adding something like BC into the mix.

    This is our ultimate fear. I truly hope we can find a temporary solution until May and then things come to a mutually agreeable balance.
     
  12. Alaya

    Alaya Active Member

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    Are you happy with the 'quality' of the sex when you do have it, even though not the quantity?
     
  13. Alaya

    Alaya Active Member

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    If they were seeing each other frequently, sure. But when they're only seeing each other a few times a month, then that's a whole different scenario.
     
  14. TheRemains

    TheRemains If I sound disrespectful, it's only because you're

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    Yea, my ex was the same way. You want it more, but she could care less. The more you push it, the more she treats it like sexual assault, she'll get weird about it and push you away more and more. Finding ways to avoid situations in which you'll try to have sex with her, and rejecting your advances, which will make you feel inadequate and before you know it she'll have your balls in her change purse (and not figuratively)
     
  15. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    there are two things you can do: compromise or break up. sounds like right now you are trying to compromise, but you are getting the short end of the stick.

    a question then, how do you stay with this girl long term if she is uncomfortable about sexual things around you? i understand that she was abused in the past, but so was i, and i still understand the need that my husband has, even if i'm not in the mood. its part of loving and taking care of each other. would she be like this if you married her?

    sex is important to be compatible on. if you are not compatible on this, it leads to other problems in the relationship (perhaps your snooping steamed from this partly?)

    you both need to give a little more and you both need to understand where the other is coming from. it sounds like you are doing both, but i'm not sure she is
     
  16. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    I'm definitely happy with the quality. Some things I'd like to do she isn't currently (and may never be) comfortable with, but so far that hasn't really been an issue. Our sex is fantastic and though there are things she isn't comfortable with, we still have plenty of other avenues to explore. I love having sex with her. :)
     
  17. Drifter87

    Drifter87 Yippi-kay-ay, Motherfucker

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    I would find another girl, because in most relationships, the longer you have been together, the less sex you have per week. So really it is all down hill from here.

    Yes, from my personal experience I have dumped a girl because she could not meet my sexual needs. Her idea of sex is, only when I was a "good" boy would we have sex. That meant I had to buy her a gift or take her out to a fancy dinner.

    Now I date a girl who will walk in my apartment and rip my pants off, and she rarely says no to my hyper sex drive.
     
  18. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    Yeah. There are definitely some similarities between what you are saying and my relationship. It can be frustrating at times, but we've made a lot of progress in this area. Things are still imbalanced though.
     
  19. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    I do feel like I am getting the short end of the stick and neither she nor I want me to feel that way. I don't know how things will play out once we are living together, which is a concern of mine. I do think my snooping stems in part from this. Along with regular sexual frustration, the situation also makes me feel distant from her, which my insecurities feed off of.
     
  20. Vysion

    Vysion New Member

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    Can you still be with this girl if she never wanted to have sex ever again?
     
  21. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    When things get rough between my SO and I, I definitely think about this. I mean I'd love to have a girl that had as high a sex drive as me. I've had one before and loved it. Unfortunately those girls and I weren't compatable in ways that were higher priority to me.

    Absolutely not. I couldn't be with anyone that never wanted sex. I have seen how I feel with and without sex in my life and I don't want to live a life without sex.
     
  22. TheRemains

    TheRemains If I sound disrespectful, it's only because you're

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    The problem with this situation, and what you'd need to work on, is that in her mind it doesn't matter what you want. In her mind, you'll just have to keep it in your pants because she's the gatekeeper. I guess what she'll need to understand is that your desires and wants are valid and if she cares about you and your well being then she will make sacrifices to keep you happy. Right now, she could care less about your needs.
     
  23. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    She needs more therapy. This is the whole issue here. If she is uncomfortable even being near you while you masturbate then she definitely has more issues that need to be worked out. This isn't something that can be solved through compromise, she needs help dealing with this and it's not something you can help her with.
     
  24. Savage5point0

    Savage5point0 Im an asshole.

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    Just cheat. :dunno:
     
  25. Vysion

    Vysion New Member

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    Then sex will always be the biggest issue in your relationship. There will be one day in your relationship that she will tell you that she doesn't want to have sex with you anymore.

    I've been thru this with my first girlfriend. Sex was regular from the time we started dating our senior year of high school up until about 2-3 months after we moved in together about 1.5 years later. Then she started becoming less interested until we sat down and she told me she hated sex and didn't want to have sex again. I delt with it for a while but then when we broke up she went off and started fucking a guy 13 years older than her. Even called me one time to brag about it.

    I guess she didn't really hate sex as much as she said she did. Now that I am older and wiser, I look back on it and I realize now that she didn't hate sex but she wasn't getting pleasure from it and she had lost attraction for me, so she just didn't want to have sex with me anymore because it probably seemed like a chore or a waste of time to her. I can't blame her because I was young and inexperienced in pleasuring a woman. Breaking up with her saved myself years of unhappiness.
     

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