SRS Sex Addict

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by PuppyCat, May 22, 2005.

  1. PuppyCat

    PuppyCat O.T. Mom

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    :wtc: Well it has happened, after 9 months, I got dumped. The guy I had been dating for 9 months admitted to me that he has been sleeping with other women the entire time we were dating. He says he is a "sex addict". He says he went and saw some type of psychologist last week and the psychologist said there was nothing they could do for him (what kind of crap is that?). So I saw the now ex-b/f this mroning for an exchange of stuff we had left at one another's house. It was brutual. We were in a cafe and I threw my coffee at him as he was leaving. (Better than punching him in the face, I suppose). I know it sounds pathetic, but I really loved him, and he was my focus for the past 9 months and now I am feeling very sad, angry, bitter and feel like I have been used (whored). How does one come to terms with being used? How does one come to terms with having their heart broken and soul shattered? When he told me we were through he was cold, unemtional and very arrogant. He kept saying he has to get his shit together. He did not show any remorse...nothing. He was almost proud of what he is what he said and everything. He said he has broken off with all the other women he had been seeing. He completely exorcized me from his life, giving me back everything I ever gave him. How can he be such a shit? Is he really a sex addict? I do not know. He is evil, that is what I think
    I am really messed up in my mind and I do not know quite what to do...sort of adrift... lost....:wtc:
     
  2. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    That bit about the psychologist, and "nothing can be done for him," is bullshit. He's a dog. He is a scared shitless kid, and not a man. Sorry honey... you chose poorly. All you can do is learn from this, and apply your knowledge (not paranoia) to future relationships. It will take time to heal, but you will.

    From his attitude, I would say that "sexual addict" is about as likely as "sweet gentleman." He's a young punk, who is too afraid of intimate sexuality to have sex without knowing that he is using and betraying the object of his desire. This is common. Choose carefully next time.

    Remember: it will all come out in the wash, and get tested for STDs immediately.
     
  3. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    He was pursuading sex and not love. If i where you i would try to hook up with a nice guy instead of dick heads. You know you can always check if a guy wants you just for sex , or really loves you. If you tell them that you would rather wait, and if he is willing to wait then he is probably worth it, and if he doesn't want to wait till you give sex, then he probably is only after your body. You might be a very beautifull woman ,and you deserve to be loved by a great guy. The problem of having a desirable body is that guys might desire your body and not your soul. And it is soul love which is the most important thing there is. Those cold harsh emotions that he showed towards you, was actually a revelation of his demonical nature, it shows only that appearances can be deceiving and that a lot of things that guy say, maby just are said to get you into bed and have sex with them. It could be that he is a sex addict, but it is irrellivant ,because he had you. It only shows that he had no love towards you, and didn't mind hurting your feelings. Love has to be a two way road, and you have to ensure yourself during the relationship that (besides the sex) that a guy would also be ready to spend quality romantic time with you. If you inform them about your needs, and if they have willingness to forfill them, and also your right to be loved , your relationship could be filled with light, love and forfillingness.

    Remember this valuable lesson, most people out there are only to forfill their own selfish desires, not many live to love and help others. You should try to be a loving and helpfull person, and how awfull this guy may have been, you should never take him back, but you have to try to forgive what he has done to you, and move on with your life. :hug: , i encourage you to try to seek a nice guy(not pretending to be) who could love you for who you are, and isn't just out towards your body.
     
  4. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    Do this immediately if you haven't already.

    The guy sounds like an ass. I don't know what he said specifically to bring on the coffee shower :mamoru: but it sounds like he actually deserved it. There are better men out there, and you can go get one. Get over him as soon as humanly possible because every minute you spend thinking about him is a waste of your time (unless it's benefiting you in some way). Also, make sure you have everything valuable - he didn't 'forget' anything, did he?
     
  5. PuppyCat

    PuppyCat O.T. Mom

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    He is evil and God may forgive him but I never will.
     
  6. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    In time you may come to peace with the situation... come to understand the flaws in his character that cause him to act in a selfish and even sadistic manner, and in a sense come to find forgiveness by condemning the "evil" traits, and not the tortured soul within. For all people who treat others so are terribly afflicted themselves. The thing to do is... to realize that you don't have to completely understand this thing, and especially not now. The worst thing that you can do is to rack your brain trying to understand him. At some point, "bad people" are just, "bad people," and if you would never behave that way then their behavior is to some extent incomprehensible.

    Instead of analyzing and analyzing, try instead to focus on the new, while you recover from your hurt and loss. Take up a new hobby, spend time with friends, exercise, go for a walk in the garden, the mountains, the beach, the woods, the plains, the desert. Whatever you have available to you. Enjoy nature. Create something. Sculpt, paint a picture, write a story, knit a sweater, sing a song. Replace the hurting emtpy place in your heart with the externalizations of your soul, your creations, so that your soul may see itself projected on the world around you and know that it is strong, even though you feel weak and alone.

    Trauma like this can make you a better person, and better able to be happy in a relationship in the future. Its all a matter of how you go about handling it. Its okay to be completely distaught. But try to channel your energies into positive things, and positive fruit they will bear.

    P.S. Its important to exercise, and fill your life with new things in the wake of a breakup, because not doing so, and focusing on the hurt and the past can put your brain at risk for depression. Exercise and positive creation are preventative medicine for mental illness during times of stress.

    P.P.S. I can't believe I can actually talk like this. All new age and semi-Dharma. India is getting to me. ;)
     
  7. PuppyCat

    PuppyCat O.T. Mom

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    Sometimes, and I do not why, perhaps it is Karma, I do not know, one's plate of "blues & unhappiness just becomes "overladen" with sad stuff. Since 1 April I have dealt with a life-long freind's successful and ghastly suicide; my very best friend died of cancer, the boyfriend dumpes me, I almost made it with a woman (that really messed up by mindset and values), I have been screwing up at work, and feel like I am in this little box and the box keeps getting smaller and smaller and I am unable to breathe. I keep waiting for the next round of bad stuff, I feel it coming, but I do not know freom where. I cry constantly and figure uh-oh, I am depressed. So, I have an appt to see a shrink on the 31st. I have to get my head together. Being strong right now is out of the question. I am not allowing, not really. It's just that I cannot seem to find that "spark" of hope that motivates a person. Maybe I need some bug juice, oir a swift kick in the ass. Something has to give. I do not want to be in this headspace. It's very dark.
     
  8. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    Okay: You're depressed. I can't say for certain, but you certainly have every right to be. And frankly, I think your X deserves a severe beating for pulling this shit after all the trauma that you've been through. That is my violent tendencies coming through though, so according to my therapy I must now condemn them ;)

    You need to have long talks with a pshrink about all this. You deserve a professional, caring ear. He may put you on pills. Don't feel bad about that. Put your trust in him, when he earns it, and follow the treatment plan that he/she outlines.

    You'll get through this with the help that you're going to get. I still stand by my initial advice, though: try to plug the holes in your soul by creating things. In my experience, its the only way to get over, and past trauma.
     
  9. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    I learned that we must love our enemies - let go of anger, hate, envy, bitterness, and the refusal to forgive. These things destroy the spirit. We will have to account for how we treat others.
     
  10. beanolo

    beanolo It does a body good!!!1

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    let go of your hate, anger, for that leads to the dark side..
     
  11. PuppyCat

    PuppyCat O.T. Mom

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    He cried and asked me for forgiveness for hurting me. He wrote me a poem that asked for forgiveness. I cannot find forgiveness within myself. I loved this man with every atom of my being; I trusted him; I wanted to wake up every morning for the rest of my days and beyond and see his smile. He betrayed me, broke my heart, shattered my soul and left me empty. He knew what he was doing, there is no excuse, whether or not he is indeed a "sex addict". I still love him and I still cry. I am hoping hate will come and make me stronger. I know it is a terrible way to feel. Hate is such a messy feeling. It is going to take me a very long time to come to terms with all of this. Perhaps someday I am hoping I will look back at this time and see the good, but for now I cannot. I am going to see a shrink and see if that will help. I was an idealist and thought that love answered all questions, now I know different and my world is upside down. The very thought now of loving any man terrifies me. How odd is that?
     
  12. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    Don't accept anymore letters from this person. Do not have any contact with him. Cut it off. You are only prolonging your suffering and letting a sick sadist enjoy manipulating you.

    CUT HIM OFF. NO MORE LETTERS. BURN THEM.
     
  13. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Sex addict huh. And then a nice poem huh.
    I guess guys will say anything to prolong their chance of scoring free nookie.

    You've been hurt, and only now do you realize how deeply. Hate is probably good for you right now. Cleansing.
    Just don't indulge in hate too long. It eats away at you if left too long. Then, you lose, again.

    Oh yeah, and follow the advice given immediately above ^^^. Down to a t.
     
  14. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    IF YOU SEE HIM, KICK HIM IN THE BALLS. Distract him by extending your left arm as if to touch his shoulder. Then kick with your right foot, bringing your shin up firmly in between his legs. Kick high, and follow through. Then run and scream rape. There is no way you will be prosecuted for this. Say he groped you.

    But be damned sure you never see him again.
     
  15. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

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    Give yourself time. Avoid that jackass at all costs.

    There are good guys out there, you will find him. But in the meantime, give yourself a break if you need to. Allow your mind and heart to reset itself ...it may take a few months but trust that it will heal.
     
  16. PuppyCat

    PuppyCat O.T. Mom

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    Is there such a thing as a "sex addict"? My jury is out on that one. I think he just used it as an excuse. Obviously he has issues, i knew that. He once told me that he was convinced there was a terrorist ship anchored in the harbor. I asked him what he did about it. He said he went home to his Mother and his Mother called his brother and sister and he was okay in a couple of days, and he would write reams and reams of stuff and then shred it in his shredder. He also was paranoid, and thought people were spying on him. I thought it odd, but then again we all melt once in awhile. I should have known then. Love makes one blind I guess.
    Peyomp, physical stuff is just so not me. I was very surprised that I threw 1/2 a cup of coffee all over him. He didn't react either. Just turned and walked out of the cafe.
    Absolutely no reaction. He always had the ability to be glacial. I wish I could be that way.
    Life is such a struggle sometimes in terms of sanity.
     
  17. KarmaPolice

    KarmaPolice Active Member

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    The best advice I can give for this (and i only give it cause it is what i did at that dark point in my life, it might not be the "clinically recommended" solution though) is that I retreated into myself for a while. I knew there was nothing wrong with me as a person, but at the same time i knew there was a lot about me i didn't know (i never thought i'd be the desperate clingy type after getting my heart ripped out, constantly trying to win her back) and i wanted to figure that stuff out.

    I guess the best way i can describe it is that i focused on myself for a solid year and a half after the breakup... i did some soul searching, a fair bit of traveling, and put aside all the caring and worrying i had done about other people's problems. I suppose it was kind of like an instinctual bomb shelter in that I had always been the one solving my friends problems, and now that i had to help myself and solve my own, I had to stop worrying about theirs, and so i did, i didn't stop listening (that would just be rude), but in many ways i stopped responding instead trying to focus on my own thoughts and situations.

    Since this whole self retreat i'm starting to get back to being myself again, i just got back from a semester in London where i made a whole bunch of new friends and it was reassuring in a way to see that i was still the polite gentleman that i try to be in their eyes. I guess the only way i can sum this all up is to say that you should focus on yourself for a while, go to a movie on your own, take a trip somewhere alone, figure out what it is you want and forget everyone else for a while (the ones who matter will still be there when you come back)...

    It sounds a bit strange to suggest breaking ties with the world for a while, but i highly recommend it, in my mind i've come back a stronger and more focused person. And i've even begun realizing that i now notice a lot of things around me that i had never previously paid attention to.

    hope this helps in some way. The guy was obviously more than a little fucked up in the head and you don't owe him any grief or sorrow. Don't forget him because he did mean a lot to you, but move on and put him out of your mind for now until you feel more focused. You've had a lot of loss and anyone would find that hard to cope with, you're not alone by any means.
     
  18. RyeBread

    RyeBread If you tell the truth you don't have to remember a

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    "treat other people nicely, not because they are nice, but because you are..."

    this applies to ex loves, ex friends in asmuch as it does to enemies.

    forgive does not mean forget by the way.
     
  19. Lokish

    Lokish New Member

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    Wow, this guys sounds like he likes to play some head games. The problem in life is that you can't avoid jerks like that forever...eventually one is going to worm their way into your life. :ugh2:

    I am sorry that he has messed your head up. Once upon a time ago, someone messed mine up too....I can tell you that with time, the pain goes away, the heartbreak stops, and your brain starts to get back to normal. But it can take a long time and sometimes it requires help from friends, family or even a new significant other to help heal all the wounds. Getting angry seems like a good idea cause you want to stop hurting, but if you give in to your anger you might find yourself becoming a bitter, repressed, loner in a great world full of future friends waiting to meet you. :noes:

    You need some time to figure out who you are, again. I am not saying you need to stay single but you need to take the focus off "having that other person in your life" be your life. You need to chill with your friends and start having a good time. I know it is hard to think of hanging out and laughing it up when you feel like you are breaking inside, but it does help. Helps you realize you aren't alone, people care, and this guy is just in general no good for you.

    So he wrote you a poem, while it was touching it really does not mean anymore then he is starting to feel bad he hurt someone...if it was not you then it would have been someone else. Words on paper are cheap and easy to come by. If he was really sorry he would change his dog ways. If he was really sorry, and really cared, he would not have broken your heart the way he did. You don't have to be angry with him to be strong. You have to distance your emotions from him (easier said then done, trust me I know). Fake it till you make it. If you put on the illusion that you are over him, eventually it will be a fact. The next time you see him, don't go out of your way to acknowledge he is there, let him make contact with you. It will show him that he is part of your past. Don't ignore him cause that allows him to see you are hurting, just be polite and don't go out of your way for him at all. If he wants to talk to you "alone" tell him maybe another time, you have places to see and people to do....err...I meant place to do and people to see....umm....you have places to be and people to see. :coolugh:

    It will get better. It always does...just at the moment it sucks so much monkey nuts it is unbelieveable that any god on earth should allow us to suffer like that for any amount of time. :sadwavey:
     
  20. He sounds like me, the only difference is I don't make exclusive commitments. I won't lie to a woman and tell her I have my shit together, or even pretend I'm a good guy. I'm not. I was hurt far too badly in a past relationships and simply can't feel anything now emotionally.

    I may have a problem with sex, but at least I'm honest with my partners. I also see my medical professionals on a regular basis, and I keep my medical history updated for everything - including STD's. I also practice safe sex.

    I can't judge this guy, but I can tell you that if he saw a psychologist, the statement made in your post is simply not what a psychologist would say - least not a good one.

    I am sorry that you were hurt. He sounds like he might not be a very healthy individual. Whether he knowingly intended to hurt you is another story, but I suspect the relationship is over regardless. You have a right to your feelings, whether you love and hate him at the same time. If so, you're normal like most of us.
     
  21. I'm not sure if that is this guys problem, but that is certainly mine. I'm just grateful that I can at least be bluntly honest with a woman before I sleep with her. I'd kill myself if my character was so low that I'd cheat or lie while at the same time using and betraying someone.
     
  22. Yes.
     
  23. RyeBread

    RyeBread If you tell the truth you don't have to remember a

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    been there done that. hope that the phase doesn't last as long, or go through as many women for you as it did for me. I didn't make exclusive statements either, but it still causes hurt, and it still means that one is acting in a capacity that they would normally condemn.

    someone once retorted to me, when I was stating that I was just being brutally honest, that I wasn't as interested in the honesty, as I was the brutality.

    it was humbling to admit that there was more than an ounce of truth in it.

    What helped me move on, was the realization that the ones who hurt me, and caused me such suffering were the people that I wanted to target my asshole behaviour at, and since I couldn't, I misdirected it at undeserving people.

    again, forgive does not mean forget - to forget would mean one learned nothing, and perhaps would allow the same exact circumstances to be repeated... I don't advocate forgetting at all. In fact, I don't advocate trying to obliterate the memory through any of a variety of "typical measures".

    I suffered alcohol poisoning, and even a mild jaundice episode... it's also a wonder that I didn't manage to get a STD, and I also sometimes wonder if/when I'll get a knock on the door and be filed with a summons for a paternity test, even now this many years later :hs:
     
  24. PuppyCat

    PuppyCat O.T. Mom

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    What "defines" a sex addiction/addict?
    Is it a "learned" addiction?
    Or just the latest catch phrase for "sleeping around"?
     
  25. Mars Princess

    Mars Princess They hatin'

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    I commend you for your inner journey and coming out the better and knowing more. This poster has the right idea. I don't know if it would be your style to totally withdraw from the world inside yourself, but you can draw back enough to assess your situation, instead of obsessing over the situation. When I say obsess, I mean going back over the particulars, trying to piece together all the hows and whys. Sometimes there is a single reason. Sometimes there are several reasons. Other times there is no plausible reason for why anyone would take your heart like he did and be cold in releasing it?

    his behavior , as you describe it, in the past and recently (with the letter), sounds odd, but he could have a sex addiction or he could be lying. He SAID he broke off his relationship with all the other women, but I would allow the guy to figure things out, whether it's from a starting over point or after he realizes that lies are for little boys and boys that THINK they are being men, by having more than one woman at a time

    I know it is hard to get back on your feet, but you are doing a good thing by wanting to see a therapist and get someone else's take on this. You want help and you want to live your life for the better. Half the battle is won. The other half will be grueling at first, to be sure, but you can do it girl :)!!!
     

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