SRS Severe depression...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Pen Is Mightier, Mar 13, 2009.

  1. Background info: http://forums.offtopic.com/showthread.php?t=3996376

    I've posted here in the past and have felt like crap a lot. It seems though things keep getting worse. basically I have stg 4 melanoma (cancer) and am on the downfall towards the inevitable. that alone is depressing and the main reason i'm currently so sad. but then other people are making it even harder. i asked my dad whom i rarely talk to to come visit a few weekends ago as i want to kind of settle our problems and his words were something of "no because you're nothing but a faggot and live with your boyfriend." that pretty much crushed me and spent that whole weekend depressed.

    as my body gets weaker and shit i just end up sleeping a lot or just laying in bed and i'm sure that isn't helping my morale. not sure what i can do about that though?

    invited both my parents up a few days ago, mom cancelled day of and my dad just never showed up. i'm just trying to be friendly and they keep shutting me out. :ugh: not to be a downer but i dont know how much longer i have and i want to spend it with family and friends but no one feels the same way towards me is i guess what i'm saying. any ideas on what i could do to hang out with them?

    then last night i woke up late (8PM? i dunno) and went to get a soda around midnight. i live in an apartment complex and theres a vending machine. i went to go get one and these drunkards started hollering down at me asking if my "roommate" and I were "gay for each other" and calling me a fag and stuff. I just kept walking though...I buy my shit and they end up coming down and just like fucking with me. walking up/down stairs is tiring enough for me, let alone fighting back...anyway long story short is a whole lot of verbal abuse, pushing me over and htting me a few times and then them leaving. basically it just sucks and now i feel like a piece of shit even more. i basically just hate life now. i cant do anything and it seems as if everyone hates me or doesnt know i exist.

    ugh, that was long, but just any help on not feeling so depressed? i take anti depressants already but they dont really help for stuff like this. i just want to be happier and enjoy my days/weeks/months/(year?) of life...all these fuckers are making that very hard to do though.

    /vent.
     
  2. fl0rine2

    fl0rine2 New Member

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    Sorry if this sounds too short to be profound, but I would suggest surrounding yourself with your friends and people who like you for who you are. I cannot relate to your specific situation with dealing with death and all, but whenever I'm depressed it makes it worse to sit inside and think about it all day.

    I know you may not have the energy to get out like you used to, but I'd try to hang out with your friends as much as possible to cheer you up. Nothing better than forgetting life and shooting the shit, laughing, etc. with people who care about you.

    :hug:
     
  3. Two toys

    Two toys New Member

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    is there anything you want to do before your time is up? you are young and don't really have anyone to leave bills to if you're gone where as someone who has a husband/wife/kids etc would leave any leftover debt on them. so maybe get some credit cards if possible and do the things you want to do, travel a bit with your boyfriend, get away from the hate and the negativity. i know if you are doing chemo or radiation you wont be able to get away for long but who cares.. or maybe do something positive for others with your time, i always feel much better after helping someone.
     
  4. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    It is Time to ask for Tarceva from your doctor if you haven't already.

    I've warned you before about hugging thornbushes and how you will not receive love back from your parents. Although i won't blame you because everyone wants love from their parents. You have to forgive your father and those attackers tho,because his lack of parenting skills along with those guys hitting you shows that in this imperfect world we can get really hit crushingly hard by those imperfect people who do not have the capacity,love,compassion nor understanding on how to deal nor accept people in a broader sense because their narrow minded world shows an image in which only a select amount of things are allowed into their world, the rest which is consider strange poses a threat to them and thus they want to eliminate or berid of that threat.

    Your father and all those other narrow minded people are just not 'readily' matured enough into understanding nor accepting and do not have the knowledge how to deal and accept a broader range of view into their world.

    It requires for them to have a wake up call. But in the meantime you get severely hurt by them.

    The keyword therefore = enviroment.

    You should surround yourself with a good enviroment , think about it. Why would you allow those people into your life that destroy you, while you know it will result in your getting destroyed.

    Although normally always but especially in this stage of your life you need to more then ever take care of yourself.

    Dealing with these kind of people like your father or those people who attacked you is simular like knowing how to deal and taming lions, its nothing less then an art.

    But you can't expose yourself to these kind of people if you don't know how to deal with them, you'll simply get 'eaten' by the lions and that's something i see happening to you over and over again, so for gods sake please stay away from those who hurt you, it might sound essensial but a first life lesson is that you try not to destroy yourself nor allow yourself to be destroyed by others whilst you are alive :S

    That being said , goto the hospital and ask for a Tarceva treatment.
     
  5. Genghis.Tron

    Genghis.Tron New Member

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    Isn't tarceva a treatment for cancer?
    I'm just suggesting the OP to try to find a way to get out a do stuff. That's what works about psychotherapy, doing stuff (although it's called behavioral activation, it sounds better :p). You have to find a way to get out and do something, even though you can't find the motivation, even though you don't enjoy it. That's what's in your control, and that's what you have to do even though I know it's hard.
     
  6. yeah thats the thing. i don't even want to go outside really, i dont even know what i'd go do. i do wish my friends would come over more though. it seems like all people ever want to do though is party and get drunk, two things i can't do. :squint: sometimes though people come over to visit and that is fun. maybe i'll try to ask them back over some night. :dunno: there's also another couple in the apartment complex (straight) that come over sometimes for dinner and that's fun...they're really cool. :)
     
  7. i dunno. i used to want to meet a famous bodybuilder (i was thinking ronnie coleman) but then realized that was kind of too hard to do. i also wanna go sky diving so maybe i could do that i dunno hah.

    the whole credit card thing seem immoral to me but i may do it just to have fun. :rofl: getting new clothes is always fun :big grin:
     
  8. @DarkEternal: Researching Tarceva now, not sure how effective it will be at my point, but doesn't hurt to ask. :)

    I understand what you mean by having a good environment...it's just hard for me to let go of my parents I guess. It makes me sad that they dont like me, but for some reason I still keep trying to be with them. :( Ugh...I do have my boyfriend here though and he cheers me up whenever we're together. :big grin:
     
  9. Deadhead9150

    Deadhead9150 Banned

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    :hs: Shit man, You should be IMing me or something! Maybe I'll have to get a plane ticket out to Cali and we'll chill.
     
  10. I'd like to do something beneficial for children with cancer. Not sure how I could do that though. Kids just make me smile :) and if I could make them happier and them smile too I think it'd be a fair trade. So far I just plan on having my car sold and the cash donated to Make-A-Wish (or similar) foundation. :big grin:
     
  11. We can party and eat weed brownies. :rofl:
     
  12. calisteph6

    calisteph6 Active Member

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    go on vacation with your boyfriend. hawaii or something is bomb in april.
     
  13. i dont even know if i would have fun though. i spend a good portion of the day sleeping and get exhausted pretty quickly after walking any where. like today we're going to the mall (i know typical :greddy:) and i know by the time we're done i'll probably just go home and sleep until dinner or later. ugh. fml.
     
  14. calisteph6

    calisteph6 Active Member

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    you would...it's relaxing to lie on the beach.
     
  15. That is true...maybe if it's nice out one of these days I'll go to Santa Cruz or something, it's not that far away and it's "free" (gas).
     
  16. my father is going through this same thing right now, and most of our family treats him the same way. i cant personally relate, but i see it firsthand. i know that with him it does help a bit to get out of the house, but within the limits of his energy...
    maybe something relaxing?
    beach, like you said.
    movie maybe?
    although times are tough, it helps to have some normalcy...

    also, i added u on aim. hit me up sometime, you have already made a difference in my life, i would like to do whatever i can to help in yours.
     
  17. tenxia

    tenxia OT Supporter

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    sorry to hear about the cancer man... :hs:
     
  18. The Great Deceiver

    The Great Deceiver 21st Century Schizoid Man

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    I don't know how stage 4 factors into this, but I heard somewhere that melanoma has like a 90% ten-year survival rate
     
  19. http://coloncancer.about.com/od/cancerstatistics/a/Stage4Melanoma.htm

     
  20. sorry to hear about your father. what kind of cancer does he have?

    thanks for the kind words though. what's your AIM? (PM me if you'd like0

    beach sounds fun to me if it's decently nice out this weekend, hopefuly we'll go. :bigthumb:
     
  21. just sent an email to my Mom and Dad asking if they wanted to hang out this weekend. :hs: Bad idea? :dunno: I realize i'm setting myself up for failure again but i want to give it one last try...i really miss them.
     
  22. kiri

    kiri New Member

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    how far away do they live? if they keep denying coming to visit you, would it be feasible for you to show up at their house? it would probably be harder for them to just turn a cold shoulder if they could see your face :hs:
     
  23. my mom lives about an hour away and so does my Dad just at different houses. this weekend is the start of spring break though so my BF & I might just both go home for break...not sure. he lives about 15 mins from my mom's house where I'd be staying, so then I guess I could see my mom and see how she's doing. :)
     
  24. RyRy

    RyRy Active Member

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    Holy fucking shit no way Pen :wtc: I didn't know this! Shit if I make it out to Cali like I'm trying to plan for I want to meet you! :hug:
     
  25. :wavey: @ RyRy :)

    Update:
    - stayed at my Mom's house for a few days, she was nice and it was good to see her. Brother was kind of shocked to see me like I am but still happy to see me too.
    - morphine ftw.
    - Dad came over to my Mom's house (they're divorced :ugh:) and we got into a fight like always and he hit me a couple of times. :(
    - Left last night because I was really depressed and went to my BF's house...now I'm back and am gonna get some clothes and shit and just go back to his place for a few days and then back to our apartment at school. :)

    I still don't know how to cope with my depression/thoughts though. Sometimes I'll feel fine/good enough and other times I just feel awful, crying, and just want to be dead. I guess thats bipolar? :dunno:

    FML.
     

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