SRS Seeking an ltr with a girl already in an ltr

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by zooski, Nov 16, 2008.

  1. zooski

    zooski New Member

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    There is so much to this situation, but I'm going to try to include as many details and keep it as clear as possible.

    First of all, I'm currently studying abroad in Europe. I've been here for about 2.5 months now and here I met this girl, "Ashley" who is in my program. Ashley has had a boyfriend "Bill" for a few years now. Bill came along with her to study abroad, even though he's not in our program, and they live together in his uncle's house here. Well for the past 2 months we've been doing a lot of playful flirting and honestly I never expected anything serious to come of it.

    Fast forward to last week and we have a weeklong study trip to the Baltic states. Bill's not in the program, so he can't go. The week starts off with the playful flirting still, we sit next to each other on our overnight bus rides, make jokes, chit-chat, etc. Our second night of the trip we have a few drinks and I end up spending the night with her (no sex or anything, just making out). From there, we realized that both of our playful flirting had really been more.

    So now, we kinda have a pseudo-relationship going on under the radar and not only do I feel bad for Bill, but I'm not up for being 1 of 2. We hooked up consistently throughout the week, but we never had sex, which I feel is for the better at this point. We've both discussed our feelings for each other and I'm not really expecting her to make a decision at this point, but I've never been in this situation and I don't know what I'm doing. When I finally cracked her somewhat about her plans she just says she's scared because she really doesn't know what she wants. Basically she's scared to move on with me because she's worried about the consequences, plus she doesn't feel she knows me enough to make a decision like that yet. I really get the feeling she's more comfortable than happy.

    Here's where I'm having a hard time, I don't know what my objective at this point is. I've never come to the asylum for help, but I'm hoping someone can shine some light on this for me because right now it seems like a huge mess and my head is spinning from all of it. It's just too much to absorb in such a little time.
     
  2. chica&buddies

    chica&buddies Active Member

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    :uh: seriously.

    for starters, "if she does it with you, she'll do it to you."

    why in the hell you would be considering a relationship with a woman who cheated on her long term boyfriend with you is beyond me.

    i hope you realize that she's more than likely not going to break up with her boyfriend for you, a guy that's she's known for 2.5 months. this situation is working for her. she's still got the boyfriend, which equals stability. she's got you, and you're the fun, exciting, new toy.

    imo, you should've approached this in an entirely different way. if you were interested in her, you should've told her flat out. if she told you she had a boyfriend, then she becomes off limits. if she was that interested in you, she would've done what it would take to be with you, which would have included breaking up with the long term boyfriend.

    at this point, i really see only two options:

    1... continue the way things are going, and be happy being number 2 of 2 in the "relationship"
    2... tell her you want more [which, imo, is foolish of you]. if she says anything other than making a decision to break up with her bf, tell her it's over. i wish people would realize that not making a decision is, in fact, a decision.
     
  3. zooski

    zooski New Member

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    I've considered this
    thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it
     
  4. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :uh: Not gonna happen man. Or it could happen but it will never last.

    I hope you feel good about yourself BTW, knowingly getting with a chick who has an unsuspecting loving bf. If she does this to him it shows a lot about her character and she will (or could) easily do the same to her. She's just running off the impulse of this new excited feeling that everyone gets when someone new likes them.

    So what happens now? Leave her alone, stop sneaking around with her. She has to want to have you over her boyfriend. If you push her to dump him or choose you you will ultimately end in fail because she needs to want to be with you and only you to survive. Not to mention you'll most likely just be her rebound and when things aren't so new and fresh with you she'll ultimately turn to the long term comfortable relationship she had with Bill.

    But this is all a risk I guess you are willing to take? I mean WTF happens when your studying abroad ends? You go back home and then what?
     
  5. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Answer is right there. Your brain is telling you the right/smart thing to do, you just need a little help seeing it. No worries, cause we've all been in situations where this happens.

    The short answer is: It's not worth it.
     
  6. zooski

    zooski New Member

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    This all makes sense, I think I was just getting wrapped up a bit too much. But we're both from Chicago, so we're going home to the same place.
     
  7. zooski

    zooski New Member

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    ugh, this thread is depressingly grounding :(
     
  8. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    It's very easy to get wrapped up in impulse emotions, the problem in situations like yours is that almost always (I see this thread topic daily in the Vag) after those initial fun sparks subside the girl almost always finds herself right back in the arms of the guy she dumped you for. It's one thing when the girl is single, but it's much easier to fail when a girl is not over an ex, let alone still WITH a boyfriend.
     
  9. zooski

    zooski New Member

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    Today I told her to make sure if she's planning on making a move, it's because she doesn't want to be with him and not because she wants to be with me. Also, make sure it's not some fairy tale, excitement while abroad thing.

    She also told me today she's been begging him to propose to her for a long time and he's had a ring now for 9 months and hasn't done so. She said 2 weeks ago, she would've said absolutely yes if he'd asked, but after we had our time together, she doesnt want to anymore. She also said she's never cheated on him before, let alone considered it in all 3 years they've been together.
     
  10. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    stay away from her. this is something about her that guys rarely get to see before they start seriously dating a girl. why has he waited 9 months? im betting there is something more going on (possibly knows about her cheating?) and that is why he has not made that next step forward. her begging him to do it anyway means she is turning a blind eye to the problem and just wanting to skip over it

    i would stay away. this situation cant end well
     
  11. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :rofl: ABORT ABORT! Never ever get with a chick who willingly admits she's after a ring.

    She's full of shit BTW. If her bf asked her right now to get engaged she'd forget about you in a heartbeat and say yes to him. It's very obvious now she's using you to try and get over him. You will seriously regret this most likely later if you continue with her.
     
  12. zooski

    zooski New Member

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    she's the stranger's #1 fan
     
  13. zooski

    zooski New Member

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    She didn't make it a point for that to be known, it kinda just came out in conversation, but I understand what you're saying. It's hard to capture the complete relationship in a thread, but it really doesn't seem like she's crazy.

    I'm not expecting anything to happen really, just open to the possibility. I'm just sitting back prepared for either outcome really.
     
  14. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Oh I never meant she is "crazy," but there is something very characteristically wrong with a girl who seeks out a ring. They are the kind of girls who view marriage as a finish line. I've been with my bf over 2 years and I'm in no hurry whatsoever to get a ring or even a marriage. We are just having a great time and going with the flow. If he proposes in 2 years from now I'd still be chill :dunno: That's all I'm tying to say.

    Even if she didn't bring it up as a conversation starter it's on her mind enough to bring it up and it's totally inappropriate to say to you, she mentioned it for a reason. This probably means that subconsciously she's thinking about it, angry that he still hasn't proposed and then thinking "well good, I'll get my revenge by hooking up with this nice new guy who makes me feel special."


    The point I'm trying to make is she's still technically using you for your attention and if you were in it just for sex I'd say knock youself out, but you've made it known you'd like something more and based on her curent situation I'd bet a lot of money it wont pan out like a fairytale for you.


    proto, I will go read your thread now ;)
     
  15. zooski

    zooski New Member

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    We've been together for a year now and it's been the best, healthiest relationship I've ever been in. :love: :bowdown:
     
  16. BoomBoomBoy

    BoomBoomBoy Guest

    My best advice to you is leave it alone. Be her classmate, and find someone unattached.
     
  17. Doflamingo

    Doflamingo Freedom is not enough.

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    :eek3: Details!
     
  18. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

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    damn proved everyone here wrong :rofl:

    but need some more details scottwax :squint:
     
  19. zooski

    zooski New Member

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    I don't know what kind of details to provide exactly. She broke up with her boyfriend while we were still there and we started dating when we got back which was last December.

    I stayed with her all summer in Chicago and now I'm back at school which is 2 hours south of there. I'm still head over heels in love with this girl and she feels the same way. We've done a semi-long distance thing for a while now and I only get to see her every 2 weeks or so when school is in session. It's tough, but it hasn't caused any major problems. We hardly ever fight about anything and neither of us have trust issues or insecurities which seems to be the root cause of all relationships I know outside of mine. Life is good and I'm pretty sure I'm going to marry this girl someday :love:
     
  20. Toxica

    Toxica New Member

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    Well wait until you move in together. Then you'll have your fights/issues. :rofl:

    But, seriously, that's pretty awesome. Looks like it turned out well for you. Hopefully she won't do to you what she did to her last boyfriend though, when problems do start to rise. :mamoru:
     
  21. zooski

    zooski New Member

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    We lived together for 4 months this summer. It wasn't half bad. We've had serious conversations about her past relationship and I think I'll be ok. She met him when she was young and then became comfortable. She realized after she met me that she was unhappy and their relationship wasn't based on much substance.

    I think she's just as likely to become unhappy in our relationship as I am or anyone else in a relationship is. If it's meant to be it will work out. Now that I know her much better I can say that what she did to her exboyfriend was not characteristic of her. She's a very good girl. It's weird to look back at what happened now that I know her on a much deeper level.
     

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