Where to Begin? It's tough trying to sum up a mental struggle that I have been in that even with hours of contemplation, I still have no answers. The best way to do this would be start with where I am now... Today has been a rather typical day at University over the past year now. Another day where I sit in my room not doing anything in particular, but not really wanting to do anything in particular. If I do finally decide to go out and do something 9 times out 10 it is a struggle with myself forcing myself to do it. Forcing myself to go to class, forcing myself to hang out with people, forcing myself to party. I will generally enjoy myself, but it is always a struggle to find any desire to do anything. Even with the year I took off before university, I now find myself in a major (economics) that I have little desire to pursue life long or even finish as a degree. Maybe I should say fuck it, get the degree, and just force myself through it (I know I am capable of it); get beyond my whole lack of any interest and appreciate the opportunities that have came to me and that can come. Or maybe I should say fuck school right now; get beyond the feelings of obligation/feeling like a shit drop out and figure myself out a little more. I forced myself to do well in my first year, but ended up just coasting into this ignoring registration and payment deadlines, but still ending up back at University. Why don't I just switch my major? I would love to if I had any hope that I could pick something that wouldn't just lead to another dead end. In my first year, I did the "try as many different courses as possible" route to see If I could finally find something that dragged me in--nothing did, so I did nothing, and ended where I am now. I tried to say to myself as I came into this year it might be different... but the same complacency has followed me into this year, but now I am wondering if it's even worth the effort to force myself to get the work done. These degree/life direction issues came in conjunction with my own life-long social struggle that followed me into university. In my first year, I entered hoping I could get beyond many of social anxieties that had plagued me for the first 19 years. That's why I chose to immerse in a completely different setting by moving across the country. I thought it would force me to open up because that would be my only option. The truth was that opening up wasn't my only option because I closed myself in. My single room was a refuge from the opportunities that lay outside. That's not to say I didn't meet some good people or party, but I certainly had to force myself to do it. A lot of the time I would have fun when I would go out of my refuge, and sometimes it would be complete shit (or that's how I would percieve of it). Part of the problem was, and still is, my constant rumination or over thinking of my actions (which I something I know I want get beyond to some extent). I was never really depressed over my actions, it was (and is) more like my actions would then lead to inaction. I would not want to do anything. I would want to sit in my room and do nothing. And much of my time first year was spent doing nothing. Admittedly, the winter semester was better, but by no means was I happy where I was. Summer came and a chance to go back home where my close friends, which was great. It was certainly a lot better to be back home where I could be with people I wanted to be with and do things I wanted do. But still, I was becoming more aware of social issues as esteem problems (not being confident in myself). So then I wondered why I was not confident in myself... and in reflection I think that I know why that is: it's because I do not know what I want. I do not know what I want in life. It's even simpler than not knowing what I want in life. I do not know what I want day to day. I spend days here back in university just sitting my bed either doing absolutely nothing or trying to figure what it is that I want and still having no answers. I'm at the point where I really don't have any defined interests or passions and really don't know where to look in hopes of finding any. I am trying to begin by looking inside myself, but it feels as though I have done that for too long with no answers. I guess the other side of it is I could just be a naive 20 year old... but that thought really doesn't provide anywhere to build off. To be honest I don't even expect/need any responses to this post. Part of this thread is just an opportunity to finally consolidate and organize some of thoughts that have been running through my mind--I have never done that before.