SRS Searching for an Renewed Interest in Life

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Bojamin, Sep 30, 2009.

  1. Bojamin

    Bojamin New Member

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    Where to Begin? It's tough trying to sum up a mental struggle that I have been in that even with hours of contemplation, I still have no answers.

    The best way to do this would be start with where I am now... Today has been a rather typical day at University over the past year now. Another day where I sit in my room not doing anything in particular, but not really wanting to do anything in particular. If I do finally decide to go out and do something 9 times out 10 it is a struggle with myself forcing myself to do it. Forcing myself to go to class, forcing myself to hang out with people, forcing myself to party. I will generally enjoy myself, but it is always a struggle to find any desire to do anything.

    Even with the year I took off before university, I now find myself in a major (economics) that I have little desire to pursue life long or even finish as a degree. Maybe I should say fuck it, get the degree, and just force myself through it (I know I am capable of it); get beyond my whole lack of any interest and appreciate the opportunities that have came to me and that can come. Or maybe I should say fuck school right now; get beyond the feelings of obligation/feeling like a shit drop out and figure myself out a little more. I forced myself to do well in my first year, but ended up just coasting into this ignoring registration and payment deadlines, but still ending up back at University.

    Why don't I just switch my major? I would love to if I had any hope that I could pick something that wouldn't just lead to another dead end. In my first year, I did the "try as many different courses as possible" route to see If I could finally find something that dragged me in--nothing did, so I did nothing, and ended where I am now. I tried to say to myself as I came into this year it might be different... but the same complacency has followed me into this year, but now I am wondering if it's even worth the effort to force myself to get the work done.

    These degree/life direction issues came in conjunction with my own life-long social struggle that followed me into university. In my first year, I entered hoping I could get beyond many of social anxieties that had plagued me for the first 19 years. That's why I chose to immerse in a completely different setting by moving across the country. I thought it would force me to open up because that would be my only option. The truth was that opening up wasn't my only option because I closed myself in.

    My single room was a refuge from the opportunities that lay outside. That's not to say I didn't meet some good people or party, but I certainly had to force myself to do it. A lot of the time I would have fun when I would go out of my refuge, and sometimes it would be complete shit (or that's how I would percieve of it). Part of the problem was, and still is, my constant rumination or over thinking of my actions (which I something I know I want get beyond to some extent). I was never really depressed over my actions, it was (and is) more like my actions would then lead to inaction. I would not want to do anything. I would want to sit in my room and do nothing. And much of my time first year was spent doing nothing. Admittedly, the winter semester was better, but by no means was I happy where I was.

    Summer came and a chance to go back home where my close friends, which was great. It was certainly a lot better to be back home where I could be with people I wanted to be with and do things I wanted do. But still, I was becoming more aware of social issues as esteem problems (not being confident in myself). So then I wondered why I was not confident in myself... and in reflection I think that I know why that is: it's because I do not know what I want. I do not know what I want in life. It's even simpler than not knowing what I want in life. I do not know what I want day to day. I spend days here back in university just sitting my bed either doing absolutely nothing or trying to figure what it is that I want and still having no answers. I'm at the point where I really don't have any defined interests or passions and really don't know where to look in hopes of finding any. I am trying to begin by looking inside myself, but it feels as though I have done that for too long with no answers.

    I guess the other side of it is I could just be a naive 20 year old... but that thought really doesn't provide anywhere to build off.

    To be honest I don't even expect/need any responses to this post. Part of this thread is just an opportunity to finally consolidate and organize some of thoughts that have been running through my mind--I have never done that before.
     
  2. Bojamin

    Bojamin New Member

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    Fuck, That's an impressive wall of text.
     
  3. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    The basic gist is indeed that you need to force yourself to do things that are important first. You are indeed the driving force behind your life and if you don't force yourself to do something then nothing gets done. Many people are lazy procastinators , but that's not why you are doing effort. Its like this, life sucks wether you live the high life or the low life, the only difference is that the low life sucks a lot more then living the high life, and this is why people continuesly do effort , in order to escape from the black hole of misery and despair that lies beneath them. This is why you do effort to get to a higher position. You must therefore always grab towards a higher position in life, you do not have to experience the black hole, you simply know that it sucks and that you don't want to be there.

    The true meaning of life is to love and help other people,while taking good care of yourself and protecting yourself. love is the only thing that fills in the hole in your soul. So whatever job you get, make sure it is one in which you can help people with and get good salary.
     
  4. OniMinion

    OniMinion ...recalls when this forum was actually about cars OT Supporter

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    Sounds religious. Not bad. Not a bad thing. A bit dark in the beginning, but not eternally.

    I agree, "life is to love" is a perfect statement.
     
  5. TopDawg

    TopDawg New Member

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    With a perfect hindsight, I wish I had enjoyed my college years more.

    Like you, I am prone to over-rumination, especially during college. I got the whole sentimental poet thing going. For me, it was easy to hide in my artistic cocoon, instead of trying to make new friends and meet people. I ended up barely enjoying all the possibilities and opportunities that college affords me. What saw me through those four years was that I had some close friends that I stuck with. I was never the Mr. Popular, frat boy, or involved with school's student body, or anything. I just hung out with my friends at their apartment, did next to nothing exciting the whole time.

    Now, it seems that you DO realize that these four years have the potential to be the BEST years of your life. It's up to you to put yourself in motion. Trust me, after moving back from college, it SUCKS to be back home, away from all the friends and just work, sleep, work, sleep, ad nauseam. It plain sucks to know that you have just drifted through those most exciting years of your life. Keep that in mind.

    Sure, everyone has certain propensity to be either extroverted or introverted. You don't have to be extreme, just keep doing what you doing. Go to parties, meet people. If you think those crowds aren't the type that you fit in, get in other crowds. Do you have small discussion sessions? There you will surely meet some smart and interesting people, not just frat boys and drunkards. Trust me, your chance of meeting new people after college dwindles exponentially. If you don't meet people much now, you never will after college.

    About your major. Well, obviously, do what interests you the most, BUT make sure that you can make a career out of it. Sure, anthropology sounds so romantic and passionate. But how many people actually become anthropologists after four years of college are over? I went the whole English and writing thing, and I did VERY LITTLE to prepare myself for a successful career. I regret that I took my "interest" too seriously, in lieu of a more pragmatic BUT somewhat interesting major. Since you are still in your second year, think HARD what you WANT to do in life, FOR LIFE. If econ sounds like it is, then explore the career options NOW, and get internships NOW. Work experience is soooo much more important than mere grades and degree. Even if your true interest is art, go after it with a realistic career goal. Don't just drift through your college years only to find that you are about to move back to your parents' home and be unemployed.

    All in all, live up your college years! Life afterward can be infinitely worse than it is now. Figure out your career goal and WORK for it. Having that drive will most likely dispel your feeling of angst.
     

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