SRS Robot

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by no lol today, Jul 18, 2009.

  1. no lol today

    no lol today Soy la bailarina de la muerta. OT Supporter

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    I've started to realize that I've been putting up a facade. I don't like it.

    If anyone reading this read the last post I made, they'd know that my mom recently made a suicide attempt. I've been learning little bits of information - not much - but little bits that have allowed for me to understand her better. For instance, I've discovered more about how she treated my dad, more about her childhood, more about my grandparents & how they relate to my mom, my aunt & my uncle.

    When describing her typical personality to my own therapist (Unable to deal with/talk about emotions, hostile toward me while babying my sister, inability to reason hypothetically or use imagination ...) he suggested I look up Alexithymia.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexithymia

    Alexithymic personalities are interesting. Very interesting. I just wish I didn't know so much about it first hand. I've understood that my mother's "way" was distinctly different from how other people behave & have been coping with the implications since childhood. Well, infancy really. If you read into it, normal cues for infants to associate facial expressions with emotions. That's just a starting point, but there is a huge list of details ... Things I feel I've missed out on, things I've been deprived of, accused of, held accountable for ... All of it because of her extreme visceral nature & inability to separate self from others.

    So now I feel like I'm putting up a facade. I've always had to formulate a plan for my actions based on the hurdles my mom would throw up. For the most part they were 100% irrational & controlling, so I got in the habit of shutting down. It's like there's no me. I just go through the motions, deal with what I have to deal with & nothing else. Very little identity.

    For a period of 6 years or so I developed some connections that gave me more of a sense of self - gave me the opportunity to discover that it was possible for my existence to be under my own control. That time has come & gone. I've had to relinquish continued achievement to the process of coping with chronic health issues. I've been desperate to reclaim those things I feel I've lost, but there is little likelihood that I'm ever going to be able to achieve anything at that level again. I continue to push toward it ... It's just such a slow, slow process.

    I feel like there is a me that I project out of necessity or inadverdently, even. Yeah, just like everyone else. But it's not me at all. I'm nice. I'm compassionate. I'm eccentric. I'm pretty depressed & am frequently in pain but never give up. On the inside I'm very hostile. I'm angry. Hateful. I want nothing more than to find a really go reason to give up & die. Emphasis on the hate. I hate all of the time. Every little bit of me feels it. I just don't permit myself to express it. I have no idea what would be an acceptable way to do it. I think the only time I really do is when my mom & I fight. I don't blame her for what's gone on in my life but I do blame her for the things she's done to make it more difficult - to the point where things seem impossible.

    I'm angry. Always. I just shove it away. I've been trying to address the problem for over a year now & don't even know how to touch it. Talking with my mom won't do a damn bit of good, either. She's a fucking Alexithymic. She's probably going to try to kill herself again, anyway. I hate the example she's been my whole life. It's pathetic. I can hardly believe I'm getting married. This isn't who I am, where I see myself in my mind's eye ... but what I see for myself is not exactly good. Getting married to a man who appreciates me & makes me feel worthwhile is not a part of the self image I feel is right. I don't really even want to say where I see myself. Independence is definitely a big part of it, though. I see myself alone and making my own life. I can't see how marriage under the current circumstances can deliver that.

    fuck. I'm done for now.

    Cliffs: Unavailable. Too much rambling bs. Sorry asylum. This is a bunch of crud
     
  2. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    The only thing that's ever really worked for me was to reprimand myself, literally saying "No Shawn, stop it" under my breath, every time I caught myself acting according to behaviors that I knew were outdated and not useful.

    As for the thing about no identity -- I'm sure there's one there, but you haven't had the reason or opportunity to isolate and study it yet. If you can stand the boredom and lack of attention, I know from experience that living by yourself with no friends anywhere nearby is a good way to find out who you are.
     
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2009
  3. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    Hmm.

    :noes:

    I explain things to people in my dreams. I have dreams about going to work and working on things that I have to do in real life. (yes, I do occasionally have a sex dream or something, but still.) Sometimes they are so convincing that I wake up late for work because I thought I was already at work.
     
  4. no lol today

    no lol today Soy la bailarina de la muerta. OT Supporter

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    That phenomenon also seems to be rather typical of hypnapompic hallucinations ... at least for me. I get sleep paralysis & conscious awareness during the hypnogogic hallucinations but the hypnapombics tend to follow the course of action I had laid out for myself when I first started to fall asleep. Frequently believing I had completed homework for school or believing I already had my teeth brushed & was leaving to go to work were typical until the mind woke up and the current state of reality outside mismatched the reality I had acknowledged inside. Very confusing moments!

    About the identity thing ... I had it for a while! I knew who I was & what my strengths were but since illness took over I can't connect with that identity any more. I want to grow away from the state I'm in now ... but I'm not sure there is feasible way to maintain that growth. No matter how much I want to achieve my goals I have to acknowledge that I'm a sick/disabled person and I hate that. If it didn't interfere with anything at all I could get past it, but my health is heavily implicated in everything I do. Haven't been able to find any activities that it doesn't have impact on. I want consistency from myself & I can't have it. I'm not content with what I am. I don't want to be this, I want to be THAT ... that which I used to be :( ... or someone new with the qualities that would give me improved self respect ...
     
  5. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    First off all, you are yourself and no one else.

    But you have copied (since your mother is a rolemodel) your mothers behaviour and are making your heart a murderhole as well. What you have my dear is called STRESS. People are like a kettle they sometimes need to release steam, otherwhise they explode.

    My advice to you is to buy a punching bag, and let all your stress out on it, whenever you feel it is necessery. If you do not have a punching bag, then lean against a wall in a small angle, and press with two fingers(both left and right hand) all your stress into the wall. Just press all the tension that you have into your body into the wall. And do this daily until you are stress free, but also remove the sources of your stress from your life.
     
  6. no lol today

    no lol today Soy la bailarina de la muerta. OT Supporter

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    This is an interesting tactic I haven't heard of or tried before. I'll have to give it a shot.

    Not feasible. I have a long term illness that bars me from most outlets I prefer. I want very much to separate myself from everything that is familiar & strike out my own path but I know that I would still be unfulfilled & miss out on my fiance - the only person who has ever valued me or made me feel worthwhile. I could cut ties with all stressors, by my internal problems are ever present. I've been trying to address them, but ... haven't yet succeeded.

    I kinda got really upset last night. My fiance periodically gets upset at my lack of emotion or from periods of morose behavior. He wants to help and wants us to try more activities but understands that I only have so much energy to spend each day. If I overdraw I'm unconscious for days or weeks. If I get insomnia for any reason, I'm literally a zombie. If I have too much fun, become emotionally overexcited, if my heart rate jumps too quickly ... the catatonia starts interfering or I go completely catatonic (Cataplexy.).

    There's no escaping it. :squint:
     

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