SRS rinse, repeat, fail

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by eljefedetonto, Aug 24, 2009.

  1. eljefedetonto

    eljefedetonto OT Supporter

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    I thought this might be a good place to organize the mess of thoughts that have been bogging me down this weekend, and probably will continue to for another week or two. Bear with me.

    I think I have a recurring problem. It always involves a girl, and goes something like this:

    Meet a cute girl. Realize she's interested in me. Do the cool and confident thing, have a little fun, enjoy the ride. Then we have a first date. And in one way or another, it goes well.

    Then everything goes south. It's like I revert to a clingy, confused 14-year-old. I turn impatient, a little needy, and overall act like a little bitch.

    Take the girl that inspired this blossoming rant of self-loathing. Without revealing too much about myself, I'll say we're in the same major, of which there are maybe 30 people. Met at a class gathering. She told funny stories, and I thought she was cute. So I spend the next couple of weeks pondering whether to go for it. She posts something on facebook about how shitty her birthday was, and I leap.

    That's the start of two months of us talking more and more, just getting to know each other. I could've just left it at that and stayed friends with her. I was enjoying the little thing we had going on. But instead, I decided to take a risk and ask her out to coffee.

    And that takes us to early last week. It ended up being a lot more than coffee, in fact, it was probably the best first date I've ever had (once we sorted out whether it was a date or not). So things couldn't go south from here, right?

    This is where it -always- goes south. And where my train of thought gets muddled. And it usually involves the girl becoming distant (in this case, reverse of the dynamic we had going on), and me becoming impatient and saying really stupid shit. She was getting ready to head back to school (we're obviously at the same school) and was seeing friends before she headed back. So for the first couple of days after it was pretty quiet, just a few back and forth texts. I asked her if she wanted to hang out tonight (thought it might be nice, since we both start classes tomorrow). She was going to see a friend she hadn't seen in a few weeks. So whatever, that's cool. I throw out Wednesday and get a resounding "possibly, if I'm not bogged down in hw"

    Then, last night around 1am while participating in something called the "joose challenge" she texts me back about something from earlier that night. The conversation starts off fine, but then the whole thing devolves with two texts.

    I ask her if she wants to hang out monday or tuesday instead. she says she's not sure, she'll have to see how tired she is and what's going on after class. I say something like "well I'm not trying to pressure you but I'd love to hang out again". she says she'll let me know. I tell her sweet, and I can help her with her homework (since I'm a year ahead). then, somewhere in my drunkenness, I squeeze out a "I guess I'm just confused on where we're at?"

    We went out once, why did that even pop out from under my stubby little thumbs? Anyway, she said "Idk" and I left it at that. Then I apologized sometime after I woke up this morning (that probably made it worse) and haven't heard a peep out of my phone all day.

    I'd love to say this was a freak incident but this kind of thing always happens after a first date, regardless of how well it went (actually, worse if it went well). I go from being fairly indifferent to... whatever this shit is. And I never catch myself until the damage is done. I even swore to myself when I got home from said date that I wouldn't do what I just did.

    And here we are.

    I don't even know where I was going with this, I guess I just wanted to get it out so I could go to bed. Clinics at 7:30am :ugh:.
     
  2. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    My take on it is that you should re-adapt a new strategy, reading the don juan bible will do you good on that .http://www.jbspencer.com/djb/
     
  3. jim1234664

    jim1234664 New Member

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    dont get drunk if thats what you do.... pretty easy to figure out
     
  4. eljefedetonto

    eljefedetonto OT Supporter

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    I'm normally a pretty chill drunk. But I, like a few of my other friends, have sworn off the 'joose challenge' forever.

    Anyway, writing about it was a great way to get my thoughts out and put me to sleep. I think I'm now a little more concerned by the fact that I got hit by a car on my bike coming from classes.
     
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2009
  5. Spaceering

    Spaceering I bite.

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    you need to read some of the stuff dark suggested. I was once a super desperate lonely person. I guess the lonely part of me wanted to date girls and find a girl, but at the same time another part wanted nothing to do with the girls I happened to meet, so I ended up screwing myself over at that time. So looking back now, I am still lonely, but I am not going to try to pursue someone just to fill the loneliness. At this point in time, I convince myself that someday I am going to run into the absolute perfect girl, and until I do, there is no reason to try so hard. I have realized that the only way that someday is going to come is by getting out into the world and interacting with real people at real places. Before I relied on the internet, and for my personality it just did not work out :uh:


    things will turn out, they always do. Just sit down and try to reflect upon the past and be open to trying new ways to approach the world.
     
  6. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    are you sure your dates are going as well as you think?

    if a date goes extremely well for both parties the girl will want to hang out again.

    homework and all that other busy bullshit would not come up if she really liked you. its normally just used as an easy let down.
    i dont care if you are in med school. if you like someone enough you can take a few hours out of a week to hang out.
     
  7. eljefedetonto

    eljefedetonto OT Supporter

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    I typically don't go hunting around. This girl was an exception to my norm, in the last year it seems like they'd come find me.

    that was my hunch.

    but if the date ends in making out I take it as a good sign. plus there were plenty of indicators that it went well. but I guess we'll see how the next week or two goes.
     
  8. blackbirdbeatle

    blackbirdbeatle New Member

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    You need to get more hobbies and activities. Work out and maybe volunteer or something. I don't know how to not be needy (I'm certainly not looking for the one at my age) but when you fill your life with interesting things, then everything usually works out. You get more confident, you genuinely have other options to fill your time instead of worrying if the girl likes you. And, like everyone says, the more you have going on and the less you need to hang out with that girl, the more she'll like you. It's the same with mates, friends, products, experiences, etc...

    So if you have to call the girl right away, make sure that there's something cool that you have going on that she might be interested in. Which you know if the conversation went well on the first date. If she can come, then great, if not, then that's cool too. You'll set something up later. The key to constant contact to work at first is to invite her into your busy life, and if she doesn't come, then she's missing out and you'll continue with what you have planned.

    And yes, if someone likes you enough, they'll make time for you. But if you come on too strong it might erase some of those feelings towards you. I used to live with 4 girls and I would see time and time again them raving about a great first date or two and then the guy blowing it because he wanted to hang out all the time and too soon. And it wasn't fun options like he knew a popular band that is in town or he got tickets to a new art opening, but they just wanted to hang out.
     
  9. Lazy D.

    Lazy D. Active Member

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    if you see a pattern in your behavior what stops you from changing it ?
     
  10. Riconosuave

    Riconosuave New Member

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    Yeah, you sound clingy and needy, which is a big turn off. Fastest way to scare women off. First thing is never ponder for weeks about asking a girl out. If you're interested, ask her out sooner than later. If you are interested, you should never talk to the girl for months before making a move .... best way to get friendzoned. One date is nothing. Hell, I've been going out with someone for 2 months now. Been intimate with her, and we still sometimes don't talk or text for a few days. Get a hold of yourself. You don't ask where you stand after ONE date. You don't stand anywhere. Of course her long time friends are going to be more important at this point. After asking, you should never have apologized for saying what you feel. You just need to relax and let things proceed at their own pace. Worrying about it or trying to push things never helps. Work on you game. Also, it doesn't sound like she is all that interested. If a girl is interested, she will schedule a time to be with you. You've asked several times, and she's been flaky each time. Either step back a lot and see how things go, or just forget about her and move on to the next woman/target. Making out once doesn't mean jack. You've probably scared her away.
     
  11. eljefedetonto

    eljefedetonto OT Supporter

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    I keep plenty busy and work out 4-5 days a week. For any other scenario, I'm stellar. But after this little disaster, I noticed I tend to slip off the horse in this type of situation.

    Yeah, I caught my mistakes after the fact. It's probably too late to fix this one, but now that I realize it's been a recurring problem, I'll learn from this.

    Believe me, you're all telling me things I know. And probably 50 weeks out of the year, I stick right with it. In any case, I don't expect myself to fall off the horse again.
     

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