"Relationships take work..."

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by fray, Feb 5, 2009.

  1. fray

    fray New Member

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    You know, you hear that all the time. But, what does that really mean? I feel like I've been in a lot of relationships where "work" may have kept it going longer, but in actuality, it required work because there was something fundamentally wrong. What kind of work are we really talking about? How do you know when it's worth it and when you're just ready to cash out? I guess if you're thinking it's not worth it, then it isn't worth it.

    Does that make sense the way I asked it? I'd love to get some opinions from all of you on this.
     
  2. snoodles

    snoodles New Member

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    that's a good question. my only advice would be to use you're own judgement on it.

    there are so many variables and each relationship is unique that i don't there can be a formula that says "leave when this happens", ya know?

    sorry if that doesn't really help :(
     
  3. fray

    fray New Member

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    I agree. I think it is very situationally dependent.

    I will list my most recent as an example (sorry if you are reading this, maybe it will be "interesting" or insightful). We dated for 2.5 years. Lived together. Had some issues - communication, attention, passion, etc. I think some fundamental issues as well, just with how we communicate, express affection, and things like that. Sometimes it felt like we were like the opposite ends of magnets - always trying to approach the same things, but pushing each other away in opposite directions.

    By the time it came to 'stick-it-out or breakup', I had to consider "is this just a relationships take work" situation, or is this just fundamentally wrong. Needless to say, we (I) ended it. Was this the right choice? Or if I ever expect to have a lasting relationship, is that the point where I need to decide that I just have to put forth the work? I think it was the right choice. I think the work that relationships take is different. Not so fundamental. But, who's to say I'm right. I'm sure he doesn't think I'm right.
     
  4. Hahawhat?

    Hahawhat? New Member

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    Its work as in you can't just take it for granted and if you have a poblem you solve it unless it is too great of a problem (cheating or shit like that). My SO and I have been on and off for the last 6+ years and the longer we date the more we love each other but also find small little things that need to be talked about. Example, after 6 years the same vagaina disease starts to kick in and sex life really takes a hit so in our situation we both worked together to think of new ideas to help solve the problem so both of us could be happy. That to me is work but it is worth it. Now if we had pity stupid fights all the time and nothing got resolved I don't think it would be worth it.
     
  5. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    if anyone wants to search, i started this exact thread and it went some interesting places
     
  6. fray

    fray New Member

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    really? I must've missed that. I will look for it. Time frame??
     
  7. fray

    fray New Member

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  8. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    if it took work for someone to be happy spending time with me i would want them out of my life.

    i think maybe bad relationships take work.

    well no that's not true. i think each person is different. but it's true for me: in my case, only bad relationships take work.

    ...then again, maybe i'm just being polite when i say it is only true "in my case."

    because i really cannot fathom people who think you can churn out more love by putting in more effort.

    it's not like people mean "driving to see each other," when they refer to work. whenever people i hear say relationships take work they mean actual work. they mean that part of the relationship is genuinely a chore. sounds great for them :ugh:

    i would prefer a woman who walked out on me to a woman who worked to be with me, and that is certainly how i'd behave.
     
  9. fray

    fray New Member

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    that's kind of how I feel, but at that same token, there's always going to be some kind of work involved...even if it's just that you don't want to do the same thing they do, but you're going along with it because you care for them, etc. But, I guess that generally doesn't actually feel like work.
     
  10. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    exactly. if it feels like work ... then by definition... you should not be doing it. if she sees a movie with me that she's not interested in, then i HOPE it is because she gets more pleasure out of watching me enjoy myself than pain from seeing a bad movie.

    in other words if her joining me at the movie theater isn't a selfish act then i don't want it.

    each person is only there insofar as they want to be and no more. at all times. no chores. no work.

    the stupidity of conventional wisdom strikes again with this "work" maxim.
     
  11. fray

    fray New Member

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    I think I agree with you here. I just get caught up in the societal rules and second guess my instincts... well, not really second guess, because I did what I felt I needed to, but not without much inflection and self-doubt along the way.
     
  12. Joshua

    Joshua ambition over everything OT Supporter

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    I think I understand where the meaning comes from. If you're waiting for the one where it is peaches and cream all the time, keep waiting it out. It ain't coming. I think what they mean is battling through the hard times so you can share what takes up the majority of the rest of the time - the good times.
     
  13. fray

    fray New Member

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    yeah, but that's my question. how do you know when a hard time is worth battling through?
     
  14. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    lol. peaches and cream? you are taking what, basically, Good Relationships are. and then making them out to be some absurd, naive, ideal from fantasyland.

    no offense, but it sounds like you are settling.
     
  15. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    there have been a small handful of times in my experience with my current lover, where there was this weird sense between us... a sense of distance, i guess.

    after the first experience with this, we referred to it as "static."

    it's very jarring because there is this palpable, almost physically painful sense of disconnection from each other. and the few times this happened we couldn't usually explain it right away, which made things worse because maybe it would stay... for all we knew... and if it stayed, then that disconnection would be a horrible loss.

    we both reacted the same way during these times; we gave a little bit of space, but mostly just floated around each other and waited to see what would happen. eventually it would go away and/or we'd figure out where it came from.

    for some people, staying together during such moments would have been Work.

    for me, work would have been leaving.
     
  16. fray

    fray New Member

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    I'm leaning more toward this as my experience grows.
     
  17. Joshua

    Joshua ambition over everything OT Supporter

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    I'm settling to be alone then as I'm single. And I can understand your perspective of why you'd think that and I take no offense to it. I don't know anyone who has had a relationship from my parents 30 year marriage to friends with 8 year relationships at my age. There will always at some point be a struggle of some sort. You just don't say 'oh, here is an issue, this isn't perfect, I'd be settling to work this out, I quit'.

    Maybe I am naive or maybe I have a different idea of what 'work' is in a relationship. Either way, I don't think people are settling if they're in a relationship that they've had to put 'work' into.

    Or of course, we have a miscommunication of points between us.
     
  18. KindlyCuddly

    KindlyCuddly Irina Lazareanu

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    relationships as practiced these days seem like a highly artificial construct, so of course problems erupt. in my opinion, the two person monogamous relationship unit isn't designed to meet the needs/desires we have as humans, so if you want to maintain one it will require work. whether or not the work is worth it is up to you.
     
  19. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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  20. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    I wish I could tell you but I've never once followed that idea and my relaionship has never ever seemed like work.
     
  21. 1979TA

    1979TA OT Supporter

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    I think work is the wrong word. I think the right word is that relationships require caring.

    Sometimes when you get home from a long hard day at work and all your girl really wants is a nice evening spent alone with you and all you want to do is curl into a ball and sleep. Do you not care what she wants, or do you?

    Your girl wants to go to a show that you could care less about and you have to wear nice clothes. Do you tell her to go herself, or do you go?

    I think THAT is what is meant by "work"
     
  22. ww_Crimson

    ww_Crimson New Member

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    If you have to work to get along all the time, and you have to work to keep each other happy, and you have to work to get your SO to love you, then it's not working. If I wanted a second job I'd get one. A relationship that needs to be worked on all the time isn't a strong one IMO. This doesn't mean there will never be an argument or problem, but it should never feel like work.
     
  23. formul8

    formul8 New Member

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    You are taking the term "work" as a negative thing.

    Relationships are a give and take. Resisting temptation. Comprimising. Taking care of each other. Loving each other. Making sacrifices for each other. Resolving problems as they come about. Respecting each other.

    Taking advantage or taking for granted is too easy and all of the above take maturity, which takes work to achieve. Maturing just doesn't "happen".

    I was married for 4 years. That is the hardest job there is next to raising children. ;)
     
  24. Alaya

    Alaya Active Member

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  25. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    Ah this question has been a theme in my life for way too long now. I think normal couples have battles from time to time, but once it starts to feel like a war, it's probably time to move on. As someone said in another thread a while back: Relationships require work, but they should not be work. I think ultimately it comes down to whether the good outweighs the bad. And for that you have to listen to your gut- and by listen, I mean actually follow it and not just hear it and ignore it. Then again I'm the guy who is still in a relationship that is long past it's expiration date. So what do I know?
     

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