SRS Relationships since rape

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by emy2005, Apr 3, 2006.

  1. emy2005

    emy2005 New Member

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    It’s almost been two years since I was raped by my best friend in the world. His name was Geoff and for four years of my life he was a father figure. I felt the need for him and Frank in my life due to a weak relationship with my mum. Geoff was in his late 40’s when he raped me and Frank is now 51 (although Frank never did anything).
    10 days after the rape I got with one of my friends, Rob. We started seeing each other before hand so really it was all happening all the time we were together. I was on my way to see Rob when Geoff raped me down a dirt track. Rob and I were together for almost 2 years, he went through everything with me. This included police, threatening voicemails, a court case held on the other side of the country (which he attended for emotional support), sentencing plus a letter from prison. He also backed me up on my counselling appointments and psychology appointments. This isn’t to forget the emotional support and the sexual side of things. We broke up nearly 2 months ago; after I found out he had been cheating on me for 4 months. Since then we haven’t even spoken, not even when we have both been online. After he knows so much about me, I’m scared of how much he knows. But I don’t know exactly know what I’m scared of. May be its just that Geoff knew a lot about me but it could be something else.
    The fact Rob cheated on me, just makes it worse because he is another one who has betrayed me. I put so much trust in him and it was so hard to trust him to begin with after what Geoff did. It just kicked my doubts in the male species further.
    As far as sex goes after the rape, Rob and I were together 9 months before we ended up having sex. No matter how we did it, flashbacks still appeared. Even when we just kissed, Geoff’s face still appeared. Even a hug or holding hands Geoff appeared in my mind, or I could feel Geoff’s touch or even feel him pumping in and out of me.
    For a week I was devastated about Rob and me, but things began to get into place. Things improved with my family and my family relationships seemed to kind of come together. My counsellors and psychologist saw a definite difference in me. They said they have never seen me so radiant when they had felt all their work would have gone to waste as I crawled back to step one after I had lost the biggest rock of support.
    A week after I went to a party and met a guy called Dave. I have only had one source of male attention since the rape which was rob. But we were dancing in a group and suddenly I had his arms round my waist but the weird thing was for the first time since the rape, I could let a guy put his arms round me without feeling Geoff with his arm round me. I could get close to him without feeling dirty.
    That night I slept with him on the sofa and he held me all night. He didn’t try anything on and respected me as a person. This gave me a boost of confidence as far as males are concerned. During the time Rob had been cheating on me with his ginger tart, he still requested that I had sex with him, even though he knew how hard it was for me. Don’t get me wrong Rob never pressurised me into sex in fact he was extremely patient. But I felt it was something I needed to do to show him how much I loved him. Every time I kissed Rob, every hug, every kiss, every hand touch, every sexual thing all came back to him (Geoff). Every day there were flashbacks of that end of April lunchtime.
    The first time Dave and I kissed, not a single thought of Geoff came into my mind. In fact I only thought about it afterwards, the fact that I hadn’t thought about it during it. It was like the whole world just stopped while we kissed and there wasn’t a room full of people dancing. Dave and I started seeing each other and we’ve been together just over a week. Rob got with his ginger tart 4 days after our intimate two year relationship was over! At the party I didn’t want someone new, I didn’t want a new relationship, it just happened, it all happened so naturally!
    One thing that was strange in Rob and my relationship was that we never went out… I think we went out 4 times in the 2 years we were together and twice I paid for him for the cinema. Not once did he take me out or make me feel special. We stayed in and 90% of the time talked about what happened to me, Geoff and what he did to others. I think this was what created my depression the fact I only saw 2 lots of four walls with Rob and I was stuck there! The fact all that was ever discussed was how I was feeling or what he put me through. As soon as Rob and I were over I felt a lot freer. I could go out and enjoy myself without feeling I was the belongings of someone else. Everyone remarked on how much better I looked and I felt much better too.
    I wondered if other rape victims felt the need to be with someone because 10 days after the rape I got with Rob and probably didn’t give myself enough time to get over what had actually happened to me. Then 5 weeks after Rob and I broke up I got with Dave… seems to be a pattern and just wondered if anyone else has experienced it and weather anyone knows why I do this.
    Also last Saturday Dave and I slept together (as in sleeping next to each other) for like the 4th time. But this time was different we were a couple and I don’t know things seemed right, nothing much happened. He felt me up and I felt him up, I stroked him through his boxers and he stroked me through my knickers. I lay on top of him and kissed him a lot; it felt good because I was in control. In my relationship with Rob I never wanted to do the sexy stuff but now it seems it’s what I really want to do when it used to be something I loathed. Why is that do you think? Should I wait a while or should that not affect the way he thinks about me?
    I have to admit I had a flashback and I asked him if he were okay and he said yeah then he asked me if I were okay and I didn’t answer. He said tell me what’s wrong and I didn’t answer but it was good because he didn’t pressurise me into saying what’s wrong and left it there. I am in two minds about the whole thing firstly do I tell him so he understands if I freeze during sexy stuff and so he understands what I went through. After all it has been a big part of my life and almost feels like I’m hiding a major part of my life. Or secondly do I not tell him so I can have a fresh sheet and so I don’t have to explain what happened to someone new. Our relationship is in early days but I can see it being a winner but do I tell him and if I do how and when do I tell him? What do I tell him? Can anyone give me advice on this? I know it all depends on how I feel and depends on the individual etc but I could really do with some help on this.
     
  2. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    My husband knew about my rape. It took me a really long time to be able to perform certain sexual acts due to it. It took him being VERY understanding and supportive of that before I could get past it.
    Good for you for taking it through the courts!
    How long have you been in this relationship with Dave? If it is something that you still have issues with and you two are serious, then it's something that is going to need to be discussed (IMO). Or after reading back maybe I should say if you think your relationship will move on to a more sexual level it should probably be discussed beforehand. Just my opinion though.
    Can I ask how old you are?
     
  3. emy2005

    emy2005 New Member

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    i am 18 years old and we have probs been together about a month. but we have started getting a bit sexual.
     
  4. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    :wavey: Its wonderfull to see you.Much Love Emy :love:
     
  5. It's so great that you've been able to move past this and be normal again. I think you had problems with Rob because he wanted to talk about it all the time. Perhaps he seemed a bit sick and twisted? Maybe he reminded you of Geoff a bit. I'm sort of going through a rape problem but as a guy. It's definitely messed up.
     
  6. beanolo

    beanolo It does a body good!!!1

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    Please get this logic out of your head. Its not something to be treated as a requirement but more of something that feels natural that you want to be a part of as well.

    I'm glad things are getting better, it sounds like Dave is nice person. But I would definitely move forward cautiously, as you know what it is like when you put all your trust into one person and count on them for happiness.

    Find happiness within yourself, do not put it all into another, as when or if something happens, your entire life crumbles once again. If you build happiness within yourself, and just have a relationship as an added bonus, you will have the best of both worlds.

    As far as telling Dave about the rape. It IS a part of your life, but you have your reasons for hiding it... you don't tell every friend you meet about it right off the bat. You know that eventually you will have to disclose this, but I would wait till the time is right, when that is, is when you feel comfortable that he would understand. I would wait till you get to know his personality a bit more, its hard to give a definite as I don't know Dave. Or his personality or how he would take it.
     
  7. lauren

    lauren Active Member

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    i cant stress this enough.

    as for telling dave, personaly, i wouldnt, at least not for a long time. :o
    as your comfort level with him gets better, the flashbacks will fade. just take it slow.
     
  8. kristaliah

    kristaliah New Member

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    I agree with the other posters about how you shouldnt need to feel like you have to 'prove your love' through sex acts and you also shouldn't have to compensate by telling him about your history of sexual abuse. I told my boyfriend about my past with sexual abuse from day number one but the comfort level was there and I knew that I had nothing to prove with him. Plus, I had gotten past the situations and dealt with it already.

    The statement about needing to find happiness is something that you should really take to heart. You don't want to be stuck playing the role of a victim your whole life. Take the path of a survivor and be strong.
     
  9. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    You were on the way to see Rob when Geoff raped you. Therefore it is not surprising that it was harder to get over the rape while you were with Rob. He was associated, in your mind, with the rape. Which would be why you had flashbacks. And though the relationship wasn't working out, you stayed, and both of you focused on your being raped as the only cause of the problems you were having: but it wasn't. It certainly was a terrible trauma for you to undergo, but in the end you and Rob weren't right for one another. So once that ends, you stop focusing on the rape. And you feel free. And now the real healing can begin.

    As to the serial monogamy... its common, and it does sound like you have codependancy issues. My advice would be to take it real slow here and maintain your independance for as long as possible. You need to be able to stand on your own two feet. Now is the time for you to shine, again, on your own. And keep working with your psychologist, keep them filled on what is going on.

    As to the 'sexy stuff,' it needs to be pointed out that you shouldn't have been having sex with Rob, at 16 (when you got together?), having suffered such trauma, period. Teenagers aren't emotionally prepared for sex in the first place, and when you add a violation like the one you've had to deal with, sex at that age is totally inappropriate. You're 18. You've got 50 more years to have sex. Don't rush anything. Take your time.
     

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