SRS relationships and money

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by WGD87, Jul 4, 2008.

  1. WGD87

    WGD87 New Member

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    I am under a ton of financial strain right now. I am funding my way through college and living in a family with an unemployed member who at one time was the provider for all of us. Now all the debt is kind of dispersed between us all and it is stressing us all out.
    So I used to be supplemented so to speak by my ex with the money thing. He would buy me things I couldn't afford but wanted or needed although that was all voluntary or like, gifts. I never asked him to buy me anything. He would also pay for anything and everything basically when we went out and he would basically drive. If we went out of town or something and I drove he would pay for all of my gas. My boyfriend before him was the same way but I would often insist on paying because at that time my part time job was basically my spending money seeing as I didn't have many bills.
    So here is the point I guess. I've never been in a relationship where my boyfriend wasn't making significantly more than me. In other words he is unable to pay for food every time or get both movie tickets. I don't know how to justify who pays what because, right or wrong, I have an old fashioned view of this. I feel kind of like the guy should pay more often. I understand also the guy can't always do this.
    When those in here, still in the dating game, go out, how much do you pay for or how do you judge who should pay?
    I plan on talking about this with my boyfriend because it has become a problem in my mind and also I am being put under more financial strain from my family. I guess I just want to have the right mindset when I decide to say something about it. No matter how equal or unequal it is, something has to change because I don't have the money. I just kinda gotta work it all out and it would be nice to have other peoples views on it, or maybe even suggestions on how to deal with issues like this.
     
  2. Ideotique

    Ideotique Drinking on monday nights does not make me an alco

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    Don't go on dates which cost money all the time.

    I used to be a poor student and just did the picnic in the park/markets/free gigs kind of thing. In a lot of ways it's actually more fun.

    Now I'm earning a decent amount it depends on the girl. When I was dating someone on a similar/better wage we just shared. One person would pay for one thing, the other person another thing and it all worked out. When I was dating a student I paid for most things because I had far more disposable income. Depends on the circumstances

    But if you are judging someone/a relationship on whether they can by you trinkets then you have a serious problem imo
     
  3. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    I don't see how you don't already get this.

    If you can't afford to go out to eat or go to the movies, don't go out!

    This has nothing to do with an old fashioned view that the guy needs to pay more often...it has EVERYTHING to do with the fact that you are upset that you don't have someone to pay for you every time.

    You['re on a budget, realize it, accept it, and for the love of god, stop expecting people to pay for you. Movies and eating out are non-essential...if you want to do those things, re evaluate your budget, or find other sources of income.

    But don't fucking expect us to tell you that your bf needs to pay for you.

    And for how to bring it up...be honest. Simply say "Hey, I am on a budget, I simply don't have the money to do this all the time. Can we find something else to do?" If someone can't respect that, they are not worth your time.
     
  4. WGD87

    WGD87 New Member

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    This isn't about me expecting him to buy me things or pay for me. You are right, I am now, officially in the position where I am going to have to say I don't have the money. The point is I wasn't in that spot before. Money was tight but not to that level and that is what worries me.
    I don't know what is or isn't wrong to assume he should cover. I'm not saying he should or shouldn't cover ANYTHING if that logically is how it is but lets be honest. I worked two extra shifts at work to be able to take him out for a nice meal on his birthday. People do that when they care about someone. So then to say it is illogical for him to pay for me sometimes isn't right in my mind.
    I know I spend more money on us than he does. I was okay with this before. I always drive and gas is expensive. I would offer to get his food sometimes and I didn't always see that back. Now that I can't really do that anymore we need to talk about it because I don't think he understands it. I think he will if I say something. I know if he took his money and said I am going to spend X amount of dollars on going out with my friends and X amount on bills and so on and so forth and he knew I was broke he could pick up my food once and a while or something. I have a pretty good grasp on what he can and can't spend but I have no control on how he does it and I don't think that is my place.
    The question isn't about how much to spend or if I can spend it. I just want to know what other peoples logic is on how that is handled. I know myself and I try to give more than I really can and I am getting better about it.
    I feel like I just got attacked because I'm not being taken care of anymore or something.... I don't want to be taken care of anymore. I just don't want to take care of someone else either. Everyone has to at some point learn a lesson in life about money management and I am just stepping foot into combining that and a relationship. Cut me a little slack here for not being positive what is right or wrong for me to expect out of each of us and give me some credit for trying to think it through. Watch Judge Judy sometime and see what kind of fucked up situations come out of money and relationships with young couples. I would never get that far into it but I mean those people probably didn't think about it.

    Thank-you Ideo for the useful advice. I am not judging him based of what he can give me or pay for me. It is a big change being with him because it does make me think about money and the future but it also makes me that more aware of him as a person. He can't dazzle me with pretty things like other boyfriends could but he can with words and gestures and how he treats me. I think sometimes I was more dazzled by stuff in the past than I should have been.
    There is a lot to this all. I just don't want to end up blinded by love and working my ass off to pay for things and not seeing it back. I understand it doesn't have to be equal. I understand it doesn't have to cost money but even a picnic costs something.
    There isn't even a big problem. I just realized today I don't know what wiggle room is acceptable and what isn't. I got yelled at for how much gas I am using to always drive but his car isn't that good. It made me question if what little more I spend on him is okay or if I should really question it with him. No one can answer that for me I just wanted to kind of see what other people considered "even".
     
  5. wethilio

    wethilio New Member

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    If you're getting yelled out for using gas you definately need to cut back, and if he's not driving because his car isn't that good he should be spending less so that he can improve/repair his car. I personally think the man should pay for everything. If you don't agree with this thats fine, but to me it seems obvious that you both need to cut back on spending. In my opinion you should just be direct with him about your monentary situation and his monetary situation. You should probably be as direct as possible.
     
  6. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    It's fine if you think the man should pay for everything, but then you have to be fair about it...in your mind, what does the woman do that is equal to the man paying for everything?
     
  7. UNvisible

    UNvisible New Member

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    You sound exactly like the type of girl i try to avoid at all costs.

    This isnt 1900, you women want equal rights in government, relationships, and day to day activities? Then expect to share those rights and responsibilities equally with men... If i start dating a girl that doesnt even offer to pay, even if it's something small, she will get dropped faster than you can say cheap money grubbing whore.
     
  8. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    .

    Good dates don't have to cost money. Material gifts and items don't=love.
     
  9. asynonymforme

    asynonymforme New Member

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    If you were fine before and aren't now, how would he suddenly know unless you say something? If you are getting upset, subtle and obvious hints won't always (tempted to say usually won't) do the trick. You need to say how you feel.

    The easiest way to make sure that you are both putting "equal" money into your relationship (which sounds funny typing it) is to just pay for yourself. That way you both won't spend more than you can afford. And if you do anything extra, like spend money on the other for a birthday, because you WANT to then it's your choice. You just can't expect it.

    But seriously, just tell him how you feel. Just don't do it in a make-him-feel-like-a-cheap-useless-bastard type of way. (Not saying you would, just be thoughtful about how you approach it. Money is a very sensitive issue for a lot of people.) Good luck!
     
  10. PureEnergy

    PureEnergy New Member

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    Would you go out with a guy that is also in a tough financial situation just like you?
     
  11. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    it is wrong to assume he will cover anything. just because he is a guy does not mean it is his job to pay for it all

    before my SO and i moved in together, we always split our nights out. I would pay one night, he would pay the next. If my night was twice as expensive, he would pay for the next two. we only did things that we both could afford. i was making more money at the time, but we stuck to what his budget was.

    now that we live together, we still split things evenly, but now in a different way.

    however, if i want us to go out to dinner when we have food at home, i pay. if he wants us to go to a concert of his favorite band, he pays, etc

    basically, your bf should not be paying for you to do anything you want to do. you should
     
  12. UNvisible

    UNvisible New Member

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    i cant believe there are still idiot women out there that think that a man should pay for everything :ugh:
     
  13. Marmitha

    Marmitha Milk ftw

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    i really thnk its unfair you feel that the guy has to make and spend all the money, not only are you making other women that live independantly and provide for themselves look bad, but youre also over using the whole chivalry aspect of a bf. i say you either stop going out so much, spending money on useless/unecessary things, or you start to feel some level of compassion for the guy too, he might be in some financial strain as well, its not always completly one sided. i mean sure once in a while its nice to have the guy pay for things, but from the sounds of it, youre going to the extremes. pick yourself up and learn some financial responsibility.
     
  14. eljefedetonto

    eljefedetonto OT Supporter

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  15. bimmer318

    bimmer318 I'm out of applesauce

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    I hate women like you. I currently am 22, live by myself and pay for my car, rent and food. I sure as hell don't want to pay for another leech, no matter how cute it was or how good the sex was.
     
  16. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    I don't think the OP is coming back
     
  17. Ideotique

    Ideotique Drinking on monday nights does not make me an alco

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    I had 2 dates with a girl like that. No more

    She was 24, earning 80k a year, I'm 23 earning 60k a year and she wanted me to pay for everything. Ummm, Well, you are earning 20k extra a year than me and still live at home. Lets face it your disposable income is a shitload higher than mine.

    That attitude really annoys me, especially as it is usually followed by the whole "equal pay for equal work/fair splitting of household chores" etc etc. Things I have no problem with (I usually do the cooking as I'm a better cook, do the washing etc etc) but it does work both ways
     
  18. chica&buddies

    chica&buddies Active Member

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    :rolleyes: whoa, it seems as though everyone forgot that minor statement.

    i think she's being honest in that she doesn't expect a guy to pay for her. she's always had a man that made more money than her and was more financially stable. i don't think that she feels bad about paying for more, except for the fact that now the issue is that she cannot afford to.

    i understand that she is having a hard time in broaching the subject. hell, we all agree that money is a tough thing to discuss, especially in a romantic relationship. i think that it's probably even harder because she's been taken care of before, and more than likely wants to do the same now, but unfortunately cannot do it anymore.

    my 0.02?

    just sit your SO down and discuss things. if you don't feel comfortable bringing the subject up on a whim, then you have communication issues [to say the least :o]. if that's the case though, then wait for a time when he asks to go out with you and bring it up then. make sure you let him know that you have no problems helping out, but that it's getting out of hand at the moment. you both simply need to take a step back and reevaluate/budget where all the money is going.

    also... i'm a bit confused. is the unemployed member your bf? :rolleyes: i'm not gonna go out and say, "get a damn job :rant2:" because i definitely feel his pain. i've been there, and i can totally understand how hard it is to find a decent job. from my experience, keep his spirits high because being jobless has a major negative effect on one's self esteem/attitude.

    good luck :)
     
  19. UNvisible

    UNvisible New Member

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    all of this being said, i took a girl out last night, spent $100 on dinner (40 dollar bottle of wine :coolugh:) and I dont regret it in the least. :wiggle:
     
  20. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    casual date, or one with a serious gf?
     
  21. KDubb

    KDubb everyday I'm hustlin'

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  22. coldstone

    coldstone New Member

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    This thread is a mess! I don't wanna say anything to hurt the OP's feelings, but wow.
     
  23. WGD87

    WGD87 New Member

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    Thank you for pointing out that I said that.. If people read that right, I pay for more stuff this time around. You are right, it just so HAPPENED that before it was never an issue because my ex b/f's had a lot more money than me and expected themselves to pay. I would offer but they said no. I am kind of sorry I asked to be honest but I am glad you could help me out. I am working on it. I would pay for everything if I had the money. I want to make him happy and I mean, I know that doesn't equal happiness but I dunno. But I can't and I realize that so I need to work the talk in some way...

    PureEnergy - that is the issue.. I AM dating someone in a similar situation but....... I dunno who is any better off.. Its just that.. all these plans keep getting decided on and it never feels equal to me. With money tight I need to start saying something.
     
  24. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    There's your answer. Now speak up.
     

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