SRS Relationship woes v. Long Distance

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Nev, May 15, 2008.

  1. Nev

    Nev OT Supporter

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    As many already know, I have a pretty rocky relationship. Me still being in it may be questionable, but I truly love this girl and I just want it all to work out in the end.

    Currently, She lives about 6 hrs away (I am in Pittsburgh, she is NJ). She has had problems in the past and racked up a good chunk of debt that she is now busting her ass to pay off. I'm recently graduated from college, do not have a job yet and pretty much am failing at life in general. When we are together we get along well, but we have been long distance for almost a year now and have had spans of 2 months where we didn't see each other, but still talked every day. It sucks.

    Obviously, being a long distance relationship, there are some issues. For a while, I was in a mode where I wasn't sure if it was worth it anymore to continue to try and work at something so hard. I came to the realization that, for me it was worth it. I truly love her.

    There are some trust issues as she had an issue with compulsive lying in the past. I don't believe she cheated on me or anything like that, but just everyday small stuff. I got to a point where I never knew what to believe about anything, even the smallest things. I began to question everything, basically interrogation at points. It still happens occasionally now, where I just try to dig for the truth, or I will ask for proof. Which I do not normally get.

    She's improved that aspect and she tells me she's getting better. I believe that she is improved, but not fixed. So I still have issues trusting, and my anxiety about losing her has made me become almost obsessive. I understand that that is pushing her away, and I jsut become more afraid of it all and it becomes a vicious cycle that is hurting things all around. I'm not strong enough to just stop calling even know I know thats what I need to do. I'm smothering her.

    Currently, things have been pretty bad. Ive been in a bad rut. Depression, extreme anxiety about everything, etc. She has seemed to sort of distance herself and become more independent. She used to be very dependent, obsessive, etc. Now I am the one who is seemingly obsessive as I feel it all sleeping through the cracks. I'm not so sure that she wants this relationship anymore. She tells me that she loves me, she tells me that she wants it to work, but at the same time, she will tell me that she is unsure about a few things. It eats at me and my anxiety and worries kick into full force. I call her way too much. I just always want to talk to her. I miss her. I freak out, I cry just thinking about it all not working. I act irrationally and I know it, but I'm not strong enough to stop.

    I rarely get to see her because she works too much. If I go out to her place, I am not completely comfortable staying at her parents house and things get a little awkward at times. SHe can't really come out to see me because she just works so often. If I go out there and get a hotel...well she works and I would just sit in a hotel all day by myself. It sucks. All I want to do is spend time with this girl, and make it all work out in the end.

    I could keep going on for a while but I will stop there and try to let people respond and I will answer with further explanations or things that need to be cleared up.
     
  2. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    So...I know you two say/think you love each other...but it's obviously not working.

    Sorry, but that's the way I see it.
     
  3. RedDawg

    RedDawg Well-Known Member

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    i was long-distance with my g/f for about a year and a half. Get webcams. That helped so much, we were able to see each other when we talked, leave each other little messages in email.

    and you need to have a plan that you will eventually be together and work towards that in a realistic timeframe.
     
  4. Nev

    Nev OT Supporter

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    It's so incredibly hard when you love someone and if you were near each other it would work :hs:
     
  5. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    So are you going to be near each other anytime soon on a permanent basis?

    You are obviously unhappy.

    I see you two have two choices: You two can stay together an be "in love' but not be happy.

    Or, you can end the relationship, be unhappy for awhile, get over each other, and find local people to be happy with.

    I firmly believe that the point of being in a relationship is to be happy.

    You're not happy now.
     
  6. Nev

    Nev OT Supporter

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    I do agree with that, but I think there is opportunity for me to be amazingly happy with someone that i DO love. That is her.

    Everything is just so hard right now. Especially since I am in a slump and very unsure about the future of things, and it just eats at me so bad, and turns into a bad cycle. This morning when I got up, I just tried to go back to sleep for hours. My mind is racing, all day, nonstop. My mind races, I overanalyze, Im anxious, my stomach hurts, I just feel like crying sometimes. It's a feeling of helplessness and I can't stand it. I just sit here and wait for her to call me all day.
     
  7. Nev

    Nev OT Supporter

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    She tells me that she loves me, wants to be with me...even in the future, but also says she is unsure if she can give me all of her. Especially dealing with this distance thing, because it is draining and requires a lot of energy. She is busy doing her own things I suppose.

    It is all just confusing and heartbreaking. I can't make my mind stop racing.
     
  8. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Translation: I can't commit fully to you, but I want to be nice and not hurt your feelings. Hopefully you'll get the hint and break up with me.

    But don't look too much at what she says...look at what she does.

    She can never find the time to come see you...you always have to go to her. If you do go to her, she often won't even make the time to see you. Come on man, how obvious do I have to make it.

    If she really wanted it to work, she could find/make the time to come see you (as in her coming to you), or at least make the time to see you when you go to her.

    6 hours apart and times where you won't see each other for two months? No wonder you're so torn up...you spend all your time dwelling on one girl you never see, when you could be out meeting women that you could see all the time.
     
  9. RedDawg

    RedDawg Well-Known Member

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    are there any plans to be together or is this going to be a perpetual long distance situation? What's keeping you from moving there to be with her?
     
  10. Nev

    Nev OT Supporter

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    It's very very expensive to live over there. And on top of that, it's a huge commitment and things are rocky right now.
     
  11. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    so basically...the relationship isn't going to go anywhere.

    I'm just gonna flat out tell you.

    This relationship is probably going to end. It's really just a matter of time.
     
  12. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

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    Having married the woman I had a long distance relationship for over 2 years with, I want to tell you positive remarks that this would work out.

    But some of the issues you recount here, everything from the trust issues, to your financial and working situations tells me that there's a lot going on between you two that goes beyond the physical distance. These issues are hard enough to address being in a regular relationship...

    As much as it might suck to think about, my recommendation is to cut it off. Work on your life, maybe date people closer to home....you know what they say, if this was meant to be, somehow it will work itself out in the end. In the meantime you can't suspend both of your lives just out of hope.
     
  13. Chelle

    Chelle New Member

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    My bf lives 8 hours away. He flies to see me and I fly to see him. We talk on the phone every single day. But I dont think we could maintain this long term. I know where you are coming from, its very hard. At the end of June I am packing up my whole life to go and live with him. Huge step but what we have is special and I think he is worth it. Basically it was move or nothing would work.
    When you are so far away,little issues become huge, everything is harder.
     
  14. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    definitely end it. LD relationships are extremely difficult when you have a healthy one. With the sort of relationship you just described, even if you lived together, I'd still recommend ending it. There's been too much irreparable damage done. Trust is never fully recoverable once it has been lost, and so you will never be able to fully trust her, and that lack of trust will destroy any faith she has in you.
     
  15. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    if you end it with her, and focus on getting your life back together, you will notice a remarkable improvement. Right now you're spending all your energy on fixing something which is dead already, and you're getting more and more depressed, because no matter how much effort you put in, it doesn't work, and so you think you're a failure because of it, and try harder.
     

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