relationship problem

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by tehshift, Jul 14, 2006.

  1. tehshift

    tehshift Member

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    I've upset my gf and don't know what to do.

    I have now been with my gf for over 4.5 years. The other day her grandmother passed away. over the next couple of days she seemed to not be upset about the situation, as it was unexpected. I attended the funeral w/ her and was a pallbearer. During all this she still had not shown any signs of being upset. Today at dinner i noticed she was not eating, and told me she had not eaten much over the last few days. when i tried to find out more about why she said we would talk about it later. so in the car i asked her what was going on, and i asked if it had to do with her grandmother. and she said it was. after that she started telling me about how she felt i wasn't there for her when she needed me and she felt like i didn't care much. i tried to explain myself but all i could say is that i just didn't realize she was upset. somehow we ended up getting in an argument and now i feel like i really fucked something up. as soon as we got home we both just said bye and went seperate ways. right after she left i got a text message saying that she was confused and didn't want to talk right now. i messaged her a few times back and every response had something to do with how she did not feel like talking right now. I really want to apologize to her, but i want to do it in person. we live in the same apartment complex so it would be just walking distance away and i could leave right after. i don't know if i should though, considering she said she did not want to talk.

    cliffs: gf feels i wasnt supportive enough after her grandmother dies.

    should i go over there anyways? or should i just wait until she calls me and then go over there before we start too much conversation over the phone?

    im really worried because i dont want to lose her, and i dont know what to do. this is the first time shes ever been this upset with me. in the 4.5 years we have never really had any big fights.
     
  2. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    OK, remember, her grandma just died. She is going to be going through a difficult process for who knows how long (seriously, its a process, there's no set time on how long it takes). The best thing that you can do is to be supportive in the best way you know how. Do what feels "right" for you to show your support. She will at least subconsciously know you are there for her.

    For now, it's gonna be hard for her...and I don't really think she will feel like she has "enough" support from you at first. (My thinking there is that 1000% support would involve making the pain go completely away, which is impossible).

    Hang in there, and good luck. It's gonna be tough for a while.
     
  3. jmezz

    jmezz layin in bed stretchin my pumped quads for hours

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    I might send her a text saying something along the lines of "Hey I'm sorry you got the impression that I don't care and that I'm not there for you. I'm going to give you the space you want and if you want to talk then I will be here for you anytime you need me."

    Then I would just wait until she initiates contact with you. You definitely don't want to be too pushy right now.
     
  4. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    As someone who has lost several relatives in my short lifetime (including my father unexpectedly when I was 14) I can tell you that she PROBABLY doesn't mean what she's saying to you.

    Especially when a death isn't expected and there is no time to prepare for it, grief-driven anger is a very normal response to have. She's probably scared, confused, and angry at the situation right now, thinking that if her grandma could suddenly be gone, it could happen to anyone else close to her at any time, too... and believe that it isn't fair or right.

    So who does she take it out on, and what does she do? Those closest to her get the brunt of her reaction, as she pushes people away because she is scared to let herself to be close to anyone: thinking that if she gets too close to anyone, they'll die too, leaving her alone and hurt even more than she already is.

    Believe me, I know how that goes..... I've had that same kind of mindset in the past, too. Eventually, she'll start to realize that the people around her are something she wants and needs, and get over it. The best thing you can do is let her come to terms with her feelings in her own way, on her own time, and be there when she starts letting her loved ones back into her life. Just keep in mind while you wait, that even she doesn't know what she really wants or needs just yet. Let HER be the one to tell you what she wants, and when she wants it, and things will adjust themselves back to normal slowly but surely.

    Good luck! :hs:
     
  5. :smile:

    :smile: New Member

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    i would go over there if you don't hear anything from her soon, if she asked you to leave tell her you're sorry & you're there for her. if she lets you stay, just stay with her & hold her, she'll probably start crying in your arms & let everything out
     
  6. niquesuave06

    niquesuave06 New Member

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    If she's going through a difficult time, don't make it seem like she took your attitude the wrong way. Just take the fall and apologize, say something like "I know it must have seemed like I wasn't there for you" blah blah blah. You can't win a fight with someone that is emotional like that, so if you really care about her and want to be there for her just take the hit so you can be there.
     
  7. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    Go over there. Hug her. Tell her you are there for her. Tell her you understand she's upset and it's okay to let it out. Do whatever it takes to get her to cry and acknowledge the death of her grandmother. Hold her tight and be VERY calm, mature, etc.,

    This is not about you, unless you let her make it about you. If she "points the finger" at you just let it slide and get back on track about her mourning.

    Your job is to take care of her like a father would a daughter. Make her dinner. Make her eat. Help her get to sleep. Be kind to her like a care-taker would be.

    And by all means, get the fuck off texting her - go see her in person. While *I* would not apologize, I would tell her something like "Hey, I feel bad for not being there for you. I am here for you now, and always will be."
     
  8. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    Absolutely, postitively, undoubtedly NO, dude. You couldn't be more wrong. :nono:

    You don't force that shit on someone who is grieving. Just because it's what YOU would expect to happen, or what YOU yourself would do, doesn't mean it's what everyone does, or should do. Everyone is different in the way they grieve; and if you force her to conform to what YOU expect her to do, you're only making things harder on her than they already are. If she wants to cry to you, she'll do it. Otherwise, leave her the fuck alone.

    Personally, I've lost several family members who I was VERY close to, and the only one I cried about was my father. And even then, I cried about 5 minutes after it happened, and I didn't again after that AT ALL. And yet, here I am six years later and perfectly healthy. If someone had tried forcing me to cry, I would've resented it deeply, and it may very well have affected me to the point that I might not be able to get over it MY way.

    The point is, don't "do what it takes to make her cry," just do what it takes to be there for whatever it is she needs, whenever she needs it. Like I said, let her deal ON HER OWN TERMS.
     
  9. niquesuave06

    niquesuave06 New Member

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    Wouldn't that be apologizing?. . .
     
  10. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    Nah, that's just "I feel bad about how I acted, but I'm not sorry I acted that way."
     
  11. Riot

    Riot OT Supporter

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    all you can do is weather the storm until she starts becomes more rational
     

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